Holiday Gift Giving Guilde

T-minus 3 days until Christmas. If you're anywhere near as lazy as I am (which I doubt because I'm off the charts lazy, like so lazy sometimes I wonder if my roommate can just shower for me), you have not completed your Christmas shopping, or hell even started it. I thought I'd go ahead and compile a nice little list of gifts with which you can delight your family on Christmas morning requiring little to no effort.
1. For your far less stylish niece, give her items of clothing from your closet that no are no longer useful to you (ie: they involve dry-cleaning, ironing, or they are a size 2-- get over it, you'll never be back there again)
2. For your parents, a picture. Chances are one of them took this picture and they probably already have a copy, but maybe throw in that frame your boss gave you at the gift exchange, who cares if it says "gIrLfRiEnDs" in glitter? Its the thought that counts right??
3. For your uncle, that bottle of Skol Vodka you opened last night. Unless you've really mastered torturing your liver, there is NO way you finished the whole handle (every thrifty drunk knows it's much more cost effective to buy in bulk). To cover your tracks, fill the empty portion with water.
4. For the babies in the family (God forbid you have any yourself, I know you're not responsible enough to brush your teeth every night let alone feed a baby more than once a week), I suggest knives. I know this sounds risky, but might as well get them stared cutting the limes for your vodka soda early right? What else are babies good for except servantry?
4. Grandparents. This is where things get tricky. If you cross any sort of line you could be out of the will and let me tell you, Grandpa's decanter? You're going to want that. And his money. I would just draw them a picture. Use lots of glitter and macaroni. Hopefully they will mistake it as a gift from one of the kids in the family and be so moved by the thoughtfulness, or the bourbon, that they forget you were even there.
5. If you have a real drunk in your family (the kind of drunk like you who is also reading this list) just don't get them anything. Everyone knows they would rather be drinking cocktails watching the twinkle lights on the house across the street with rapt attention yelling "HEY IS THAT A DOG OR A REINDEER??" or "Question, are you Santa, pregnant, or just fat? If you're Santa bring me some fucking whiskey!!" at passersby.

Not Really Gone

Just wanted to let everyone know that I created a new blog for myself. Here it is. If you don't like it, I don't want to hear about it.

That is all.

Ask and You Shall Receive

Everything has been going my way today. Somedays are just like that. Usually I bitch and moan on here about things that bug me. But not today!

Woke up incredibly hungover from a night out with Our Next Door Neighbor, his roommate, Canadian Guinea Pig, her hot tall friend from Canadia, One of the Vandy Boys and his two coworkers. All I wanted to do this morning was go back to sleep. And I did. So I was 45 minutes late to work. When I got in, no one was around to see me come in then. Perfection!

Still hungover, I get to my desk thinking how much I need some coffee to make it through the day. I look down and some magical Christmas fairy had placed a starbucks giftcard on my desk! My head thanks you whoever you are. I still don't know who gave it to me.

Feeling a little better I get into my email, hoping I don't have a bunch of work to do. I have three emails from my boss, and they take 5 minutes total. Piece of cake!

We had gotten an email yesterday that today during lunch the whole office was going to be decorating the Christmas tree. Cute, sure. But I wasn't really up for it. Luckily my boss who is in hearings in Chicago called and needed a bunch of stuff done, so we worked through lunch. Got me out of mingling with coworkers. Thanks!

But then because I worked through lunch I was trying to figure out what I was going to eat now. Then I overhear that one of our other bosses just ordered pizza for the whole office. My day just kept getting better. Free lunch!

Got my pizza, and was just finishing at my desk when my thought became "Man, it would be nice to have dessert...I don't really think a granola bar from the snack bowl is going to cut it." Then I hear our receptionist heading my way, and she delivers the tiff's treats that my contact at our copy place sent me. Sugar cookies with peppermint chunks. Copy man, I love you.

Work has been pretty hectic today though, one of those days that make you think "I could use a drink." Well lucky for me, our office is having a happy hour mixer with the other company on our floor at 4:15 in our lobby. So I am totally set. I just have to make sure I can drive home to get to our party tonight. But if a cab pulls up to me as I am headed to my car after work and offers me a free ride home then I will know that today really is my lucky day.

Please don't let today be my only lucky day. If I could get a lucky weekend the 13th-15th, that would be great. Thanks.

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells

The holidays are here. You know how I know? Their events have taken over my calendar.

Tonight - Dallas Bar Construction Law Section Christmas Party. Thanks Marketing Girl at my office for not telling me about it until today, especially when it starts at 5:30. Do you think I pack a party dress in my purse? But I won't be able to go anyway because I got an email from my boss saying "I am going to be working on stuff late, and I need your help on it." So no party for me.

Tomorrow night - Tree Decorating Party at The Brothel. Shoulders and I thought about stringing popcorn to hang on the tree, but then we remembered the dogs would eat it. We thought about having people make ornamnets at the party, but then realized they would all end up looking like penises because thats what our friends do (namely one Vandy Boy).

Saturday night - Bar Crawl for Venus' Birthday organized by Venus' coworker. Not particularly a holiday party, but its cold outside, and in Texas that makes me think holiday. I will be drinking festively, and thats good enough for me.

Sunday night - Office Christmas Party. Seriously Office? A Sunday? Plan on getting no work out of me on Monday. You only have yourself to blame. Newly named Tech Guy is coming with me to the party. There will be a white elephant type gift exchange. My office is pretty unconservative, but I don't know if I can go with the 6X lace thong I took to a white elephant party last year. That may rub some of the larger coworkers the wrong way. Especially if they opened that bad boy up..how ironic would that be!

Monday night - Young Republican Christmas Party with Nouns and a friend of mine, Torchness, who used to work at my aforementioned office, and is now a fancy lawyer with an office with a window and everything. The last and first event we went to with this group was their monthly happy hour. Torchness scored a cute guy, I am hoping to acheive similar results at the Christmas Party. (Isn't that usually my mission for most things I do??) But on the fourth night of parties after three nights of heavy drinking, I don't like my chances.

Friday night - Texas Exes Board Christmas Party for which I got invited to after only having been on the board two weeks. Sweet deal. I also found out that our Christmas present is a case of beer for every member! Yeah, that's how we do it at Texas. So you know I won't be missing that party.


Robin laid an egg...

A Little Trip Down Memory Lane

Here is some dumb shit I did as a child and totally forgot about until my mother was so kind as to bring it all up in front of the entire family.

-1986 I was born. On accident. This is something she'll never let me forget. Every now and then she says "I only had one child because I got it right the first time" but that is a lie. She only had one because she meant to have none and OOPS!

-1989 I put pennies in an electrical socket because my nightlight stopped working. I thought if i paid the socket it would work for me. Instead it singed my eyebrows, broke up the party my mom was attempting to have downstairs, and prompted the fire department's first visit to our house on my behalf.

-1990 Stole every goodie bag from the birthday party of a neighborhood kid I didn't like by stuffing them all in a knee brace and running. Fast. Fortunately, her parents didn't press Grand Theft charges. Unfortuantely, I didn't get to keep any of my loot.

-1992 I tried to stab my piano teacher. I know this sounds violent, but hear me out. It was with a plastic spoon and she was trying to slip me pills that would "make my fingers limber" by hiding them in a snickers bar. She threatened to press charges against my parents (I guess I drew blood when I bit her finger, my bad.)

-1993 I caught the bathroom on fire by trying to "put out the candles like they do at church" except with paper cups. Trip number 2 from the fire department.

-1994 I called my Grandma to tell on my mom for saying "Shit." This same year I also gave the cat a bath and tried to put her in the dryer.

-1995 I called my stepdad a bastard at the dinner table. In front of his parents. The first time we met them.

-1996 I refused to move off the boys baseball team. Other parents were very mean to my parents and threatened them. Apparently, I was not very good.

-1998 I put a frozen burrito in the microwave for 20 minutes instead of 2. Then I went swimming. Both things I was not allowed to do when my parents weren't home. The fire department was alerted (for the third time) and our house smelled AWFUL for about 6 months.

-1999 I quit school. I decided I was way to fucking smart for those people so I quit going. This lasted for 6 weeks until the district threatened legal action on my parents.

I have done MANY MANY more stupid things, however she quit paying attention to me when I could make my own macaroni and cheese and we moved to house where I could walk to school.

To the Gorgeous Man on the 39th Floor

I saw you two consecutive mornings last week. You are gorgeous, and both of those days were better for having shared 15 seconds in the elevator with you. I vowed that if I saw you again I would tell you that I want to make out with your face and you would instantly realize that you would like me to have your babies.
Well, coming back from lunch, there you were standing in our elevator bank. However, I was with Stand Up Sid and a recruit, and you were with 5 other coworkers. So I didn't feel that I could profess my love for you in an elevator packed with seven other men.
Hopefully, some day soon, we can ride the elevator alone. Let's hope we don't have security cameras in our elevators because I don't think I will be able to contain myself.
Here's Hoping,
Your Schoolgirl Crush on the 36th Floor

Actual Text Message From My Acutal Inbox

November 14, 2008 3:25:20 AM

Please foot forget to call of u endu of here taking granandes.