When I was in elementary school, we never participated in fund raisers because I went to private school (that's right public school kids, suck it - not only am I smarter than you, I am infinitely more socially awkward).
Today my Boss (who is coincidentally my Step-MILF) came in and set down a rather large catalogue of what looked like crap to me. Then she said "OK, Aunt Shoulders, you have to buy SOMETHING."
It dawned on me that I had just gotten roped into some kind of PTA fundraiser for my Niece. It also dawned on me that I needed a drink.
I immediately began to feel nauseous. As I thumbed through the catalogue I realized that it was comprised of four categories:
1) Christmas Wrapping Paper
2) Things that will make me fat
3) Useless crap that no-one needs
4) Overpriced useless crap that no-one needs
Despite the fact that I am one of the least decisive people that I know, I begin to search desperately for something to buy so that I could get this thing out of my life. This is made increasingly difficult because:
1) I hate Christmas
2) I am already fat(ish) and do not wish to become more so
3) I have way too much useless crap
4) I have no money
Throughout the catalogue there are helpful hints from "Sally." I have no idea who "Sally" is but I hate her guts.
She suggests wrapping tiny jewelry boxes in Christmas paper and adding them to a wreath for a decorative touch. Hey Sally - NO ONE GIVES ME JEWELRY AND I AM TOO POOR TO BUY IT FOR MYSELF THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN, BITCH.
She later suggests that I reuse old Christmas bows by making them into a miniature tree using a wooden dowel and a coffee can as the base. Sally, that is just tacky. That will look like shit, and I will not do it.
Long story short, my decision process consisted of closing my eyes and pointing at something then opening them to find that I was the proud owner of a set of 6 "stylish" votive candles for the low low price of $15.50.
I completely plan on playing this up in order to skip out early on the kids soccer games
which i have to attend
at 9 am
ON SATURDAY
UPDATE: I just walked into my brother's office and told him I purchased the aforementioned candles. His response: "If you are telling me this so that you don't have to come to soccer on Saturday, you are shit out of luck."
I am now convinced that my brother has some sort of program installed on my computer that lets him see what I am doing on the internet. I'm doomed.
UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: I was informed that BOTH of my nieces are participating so I have to buy TWO things. I caved and got snickerdoodles and m&m cookies. I hope someone will still love me when I look like Kirstie Alley.
Also, the other girl who works in my office brought in her kids fund raiser. Apparently I have "pushover" written in my file or something. The sad thing is, I'm totally going to buy something.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Like McGyver but With Booze
Yesterday at work I made the decision to treat myself to a pedicure after I got off. So I called up the nail salon I go to, and made an appointment with my girl. This nail salon is great. The girl I get speaks amazing english ( I swear when I talk to her on the phone you can't tell she is Asian at all), they give a really good pedicure, and they serve booze. Now that's my kind of place!
One problem - I was feeling really cheap, and their wine is, at a minimum, $6 a glass. When I am already paying $30 for a pedicure, I don't want to pay $6 more if I can help it.
So I come up with a genius idea - bring my own wine! I remembered I had 3/4 of a bottle of reisling left over in the fridge. Usually, I would just throw my bootlegged drink in a Ozarka bottle, seeing as how my usual vodka soda is clear. But that just won't work for wine. I decided to empty one of the Fresca's I have at the house and then I will pour it in there and take it with me. Genius!
So all day long at work I had been looking forward to my relaxing pedicure and can o' wine I was going to sneak in. I run home after work to change quickly and grab the booze. That's when I open the refirgerator and see -
THE WINE IS GONE!!!
I go to Nouns' room to inquire if she knows where my wine is. But she is passed out in her bed for her usual after work nap. I have to hurry and make my appointment, so I have no time to deal with waking her up.
I can't cry over missing wine, so I move on and figure out how to get booze into my pedicure another way.
Head to the lime bowl - they are all old - Vodka soda is out
Remember the Fresca I had planned to pour down the sink - Vodka Fresda it is!
Like Shoulders texted me earlier - You are like McGyver but with booze. It kind of has a ring to it.
So I make it to my appointment a few minutes late with a big glass of Vodka Fresca on ice with a straw of course. And my nail girl was none the wiser. Ha. I win!
Side note:
I found out later when I got home that the roommates had assumed Boat Party had left the wine from when she stayed with us for a couple of weeks. So they drank it while I was over at Mr. Wonderful's place eating the dinner he cooked for me and him. They promised to repay for the damage they caused by replacing the bottle for me. So we're all good, and the mystery was solved. And not to worry, Nouns and Shoulders, my Vodka Fresca worked out just fine!
One problem - I was feeling really cheap, and their wine is, at a minimum, $6 a glass. When I am already paying $30 for a pedicure, I don't want to pay $6 more if I can help it.
So I come up with a genius idea - bring my own wine! I remembered I had 3/4 of a bottle of reisling left over in the fridge. Usually, I would just throw my bootlegged drink in a Ozarka bottle, seeing as how my usual vodka soda is clear. But that just won't work for wine. I decided to empty one of the Fresca's I have at the house and then I will pour it in there and take it with me. Genius!
So all day long at work I had been looking forward to my relaxing pedicure and can o' wine I was going to sneak in. I run home after work to change quickly and grab the booze. That's when I open the refirgerator and see -
THE WINE IS GONE!!!
I go to Nouns' room to inquire if she knows where my wine is. But she is passed out in her bed for her usual after work nap. I have to hurry and make my appointment, so I have no time to deal with waking her up.
I can't cry over missing wine, so I move on and figure out how to get booze into my pedicure another way.
Head to the lime bowl - they are all old - Vodka soda is out
Remember the Fresca I had planned to pour down the sink - Vodka Fresda it is!
Like Shoulders texted me earlier - You are like McGyver but with booze. It kind of has a ring to it.
So I make it to my appointment a few minutes late with a big glass of Vodka Fresca on ice with a straw of course. And my nail girl was none the wiser. Ha. I win!
Side note:
I found out later when I got home that the roommates had assumed Boat Party had left the wine from when she stayed with us for a couple of weeks. So they drank it while I was over at Mr. Wonderful's place eating the dinner he cooked for me and him. They promised to repay for the damage they caused by replacing the bottle for me. So we're all good, and the mystery was solved. And not to worry, Nouns and Shoulders, my Vodka Fresca worked out just fine!
office memo.
dear coworkers,
despite having worked here for nearly a month, i have no FUCKING clue about how to do anything, or even what my job entails. as far as i'm concerned, i was hired to read blogs, gchat, guzzle coffee and stare at the clock until 4:30 pm. speaking of coffee, whoever walked off with the creamer has a world of pain coming to them, black coffee with 3 splendas just isn't satisfying.
that being said, do not ask me questions like "what does this mean?" and "did you do that?" because theres a 100% chance i don't know the answer. however, if you would like to hear a silly story about me sleeping on the bathroom floor or getting lost on the 6 block trek back to my apartment, i'd be happy to help you. until then, i will plotting a way to build a fort around my cubicle rendering me invisible so that i can both take a nap undermy desk and avoid your nonsense.
thanks,
nouns.
despite having worked here for nearly a month, i have no FUCKING clue about how to do anything, or even what my job entails. as far as i'm concerned, i was hired to read blogs, gchat, guzzle coffee and stare at the clock until 4:30 pm. speaking of coffee, whoever walked off with the creamer has a world of pain coming to them, black coffee with 3 splendas just isn't satisfying.
that being said, do not ask me questions like "what does this mean?" and "did you do that?" because theres a 100% chance i don't know the answer. however, if you would like to hear a silly story about me sleeping on the bathroom floor or getting lost on the 6 block trek back to my apartment, i'd be happy to help you. until then, i will plotting a way to build a fort around my cubicle rendering me invisible so that i can both take a nap undermy desk and avoid your nonsense.
thanks,
nouns.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Pity Me.
I have officially decided that I have shrunk all of my clothes in the dryer.
Why you ask?
Because this conclusion is far less painful than admitting that I am getting fat.
le sigh.
Why you ask?
Because this conclusion is far less painful than admitting that I am getting fat.
le sigh.
fuck you crackberry.
dear blackberry,
YOU SOLD ME FAULTY GOODS! actually, that is a lie. travis, the nice man in your tech support department has informed me that you designed your phone to automatically delete the call and text message log ON PURPOSE! now at first i liked that feature bc living through "the shame" of seeing who i drunk dialed and texted is usually pretty painful. however, today i found it to be a real fucking inconvenience.
i left work at 4:30 today. somewhere between the drive home and my nap (afterall, i did sleep on the bathroom floor) someone called me! (WHICH NEVER FUKCING HAPPENS since calling me is openning a HUGE can of worms, i will totally talk your ear off). anyways, by the time i finally decided to look at my phone, the peice of shit also deleted said call. this call could have been:
A) a hot man who wants to take me to a nice dinner
B) someone calling bc i owe them money
C) someone calling about a happy hour
D) my mom calling to tell me she bought the dog a sweater
aside from B i would have wanted to know about ALL of those calls. tomorrow i'm totally marching into verizon and demanding a refund.
no love bc you are retarded,
nouns
ps: person who called between 4:30 and 6, i am not ignoring you. or at least i'm probably not ignoring you.
YOU SOLD ME FAULTY GOODS! actually, that is a lie. travis, the nice man in your tech support department has informed me that you designed your phone to automatically delete the call and text message log ON PURPOSE! now at first i liked that feature bc living through "the shame" of seeing who i drunk dialed and texted is usually pretty painful. however, today i found it to be a real fucking inconvenience.
i left work at 4:30 today. somewhere between the drive home and my nap (afterall, i did sleep on the bathroom floor) someone called me! (WHICH NEVER FUKCING HAPPENS since calling me is openning a HUGE can of worms, i will totally talk your ear off). anyways, by the time i finally decided to look at my phone, the peice of shit also deleted said call. this call could have been:
A) a hot man who wants to take me to a nice dinner
B) someone calling bc i owe them money
C) someone calling about a happy hour
D) my mom calling to tell me she bought the dog a sweater
aside from B i would have wanted to know about ALL of those calls. tomorrow i'm totally marching into verizon and demanding a refund.
no love bc you are retarded,
nouns
ps: person who called between 4:30 and 6, i am not ignoring you. or at least i'm probably not ignoring you.
Its True, She Does.
Nouns -
I can attest to that. I got up to wash my face at 2:15 after watching half of a Harry Potter movie in bed (because sleeping in your make-up is bad for you apparently, and I'm trying to break the habit). However the door was stopped by something. I pushed on through to find that that "something" was your leg.
You were asleep on the bathroom floor, and you looked so peaceful that I couldn't dream of waking you. Also I am selfish and lazy and knew that waking you would lead to pouring you into your bed. So instead I maniacally giggled, and shut the door again.
Score:
Bad Habits: 1
Good Habits: 0
Although to be fair, I too drank a bottle of wine and 2 screw drivers, gossiped, and cursed like a sailor. So upon further review:
Bad Habits: 4
Good Habits: 0
I can attest to that. I got up to wash my face at 2:15 after watching half of a Harry Potter movie in bed (because sleeping in your make-up is bad for you apparently, and I'm trying to break the habit). However the door was stopped by something. I pushed on through to find that that "something" was your leg.
You were asleep on the bathroom floor, and you looked so peaceful that I couldn't dream of waking you. Also I am selfish and lazy and knew that waking you would lead to pouring you into your bed. So instead I maniacally giggled, and shut the door again.
Score:
Bad Habits: 1
Good Habits: 0
Although to be fair, I too drank a bottle of wine and 2 screw drivers, gossiped, and cursed like a sailor. So upon further review:
Bad Habits: 4
Good Habits: 0
Back With a PSA
I know, its been like forever since I posted...but in my defense I just got done with a huge report at work blah blah blah...you don't care, and really neither do I.
Well last week at work, our marketing girl grabs me and takes me to this Bar Association Law lunch thing. Initially I think...score! Hot lawyer dudes and a free lunch on work? I am in!
We get there, and it is nothing like I imagined, they are all old. There is one decent guy at our table, but he has a wedding ring on - strike one. He brings a plate mounded high of like 8 enchiladas to the table and then cleans his plate - strike two. I don't really know what strike three was, I guess I just wasn't in the mood to give him another one. Its kind of like IM softball when you start 1-1.
Then this awful dude comes in late. He is the epitome of white trash and his greasy mulletted light denim wearing ass decides to pick the one open seat at our table next to me instead of many other open tables. He sits down and our marketing girl quickly scoots her chair over as far as possible to help me move away from him. After I have scooted over so far we are basically sharing a chair, I look over at his plate. Its just a plateful of fajita beef drown in salsa. No rice, No beans, no salad. Just meat and salsa. Sir, you sicken me.
Once I got through judging everyone at our table, I began looking around the room to judge others. Thats when I get to the point of this story which is my PSA.
Well last week at work, our marketing girl grabs me and takes me to this Bar Association Law lunch thing. Initially I think...score! Hot lawyer dudes and a free lunch on work? I am in!
We get there, and it is nothing like I imagined, they are all old. There is one decent guy at our table, but he has a wedding ring on - strike one. He brings a plate mounded high of like 8 enchiladas to the table and then cleans his plate - strike two. I don't really know what strike three was, I guess I just wasn't in the mood to give him another one. Its kind of like IM softball when you start 1-1.
Then this awful dude comes in late. He is the epitome of white trash and his greasy mulletted light denim wearing ass decides to pick the one open seat at our table next to me instead of many other open tables. He sits down and our marketing girl quickly scoots her chair over as far as possible to help me move away from him. After I have scooted over so far we are basically sharing a chair, I look over at his plate. Its just a plateful of fajita beef drown in salsa. No rice, No beans, no salad. Just meat and salsa. Sir, you sicken me.
Once I got through judging everyone at our table, I began looking around the room to judge others. Thats when I get to the point of this story which is my PSA.
It is no longer acceptable to wear claw clips! I just want to make everyone aware of this because construction lawyers in the Dallas area are not. Once I got over the abhorrant man next to me I found 5 women, in a room with 8 of which the marketing girl and I are two, who had their hair up with claw clips. It was amazing and disturbing all at the same time. I just couldn't believe it. These women make plenty of money. Why would they need a 50 cent hair accessory?
The marketing girl and I had to leave early to get back to the office, which rules my life, so I didn't get a chance to tell each and every one of those women the damage they were doing to themselves before I left.
That's why I am reaching out to all of you. Hopefully with some awareness we can put an end to the claw clip once and for all.
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