sometimes i drink

i had a bottle of wine and 2 screw drivers for dinner. the pillow on my bathroom floor tells me i tried to sleep there.

two posts. one day.

ha. i am tickled pink with my "pop culture" reference that no one else will find funny. (no i have not and will not watch the video in question). anyways, i'm being extremely productive at work,(read: restarting my computer 95 times and sitting on the phone with tech support until they tell me i cant do anything for 2 days. UGH) so i'm blogging again because i'm just as annoying and talkative in real life. people hate me.

i digress.


i'm totally bringing back asshat of the week.

MTV: you are officially on notice. last night i made the mistake of staying up to watch the VMA's. i really only wanted to see some kickass dance moves from chris brown, some funny commentary from the host (whoever that guy was), some eye candy in the form of justin timberlake, and brit brit make a fool of her self.

NONE OF THESE THINGS HAPPENED. (well they might have, but i was so turned off by that british guy that i couldn't understand and the fact that britney didn't perform that i didn't tune in for more that ohhhh 4 minutes and 23 seconds.) i mean watching her regurgitate some poorly written lines in a feeble attempt to resuscitate her career is... heartwarming? but id much rather watch a panty-less trainwreck. (i have no soul)

last night was my last ditch effort to remain a part of your "demographic". FAIL. instead i watched 3 tivoed episodes of john and kate plus 8, ate half an apple, and cried during the christian the lion youtube video. i believe that puts me in the same demographic as... my mom? SICK. i'm checking out of work early to have a vodka soda and go to the gym. yes, in that order. don't judge.

it is 1 pm, that is neat.

6:00 am- my alarm goes off

6:10 am- again.

6:15 am- i set my alarm for 6:45

6:45 am- i am halfway through my bowl of grits and beef jerky (judge me.)

6:46 am- i realize it is actually 7:46 am.

7:48 am- i run out the door whilst still putting on my shirt.

8:13 am- late for work. CRAP

8:14 am- the lights are off in my office, no one else is here yet. SCORE! there is already a pot of coffee made... weird but DOUBLE SCORE! and i somehow have the will power to walk past a table of donuts and kolaches... we'll see how long that lasts.

9:00 am- i give in to the kolache temptation

9:10 am- someone who i incorrectly assume has a better knowledge of computers than i do comes to install my dual monitors (so now i can read celeb gossip and check my personal email at the same time)

9:25 am- i sit in a meeting i know nothing about.

11:00 am- tech lady is missing. i have no monitors.

11:15 am- i give into the kolaches... again.

11:30 am- tech lady returns, asks me how to install the software for the video card... why are we paying her $75 bucks an hour?

12:00 noon- finally she finishes and asks to use the fax machine, i politely point it out to her and tell her dial 9 assuming all other functions of a fax are pretty standard.

12:15 pm- she is still standing at the fax talking really loudly about how she knows nothing about computers or printers (obvi.)

12:25pm- i hear her yell "OOHHHH you have to put them face down?!?! the girl that works here didn't mention they had a WEIRD fax machine." how is this my fault?

12:40 pm- i finally get to do some "work" i change the date on an entry in the database. i have no idea what this means.

12:45 pm- everyone goes to lunch. i am full from the 2 kolaches i gobbled earlier so i sit at my computer and read the company bitch.

and here we stand. these people pay me. they are silly.

There Are Now Two Phases of Your Life...

Ok, first things first. I realize I haven't blogged since Michael Jackson was the same color as LaToya. I was in a bit of a funk. But ladies and gentlemen. Let me introduce you to the object that has changed my life:

That is the French Connection Denim Romper.

After a sort of lack luster Friday night, I am awakened by a call from my brother. He informs me that we are having lunch together, he will be at my apartment in 20 minutes.

I cannot currently see the floor of my bedroom, our chalk board coffee table is covered in lovingly drawn pictures of penises and empty beer cans from the night before.

Agenda:

1. Put on clothes that you did not wear to bars the night before.

2. Remove raccoon-like circles under eyes.

3. Wipe off coffee table and place all beer cans in trash receptacle.

4. Throw everything on my floor in my bedroom into the closet and PRAY that my sister in law does not want to see how big it is.

We had a leisurely lunch and I had promised to help a friend go shopping for business attire as his first day of work is today. What he did not realize at the time was that my idea of "helping" a guy shop is acting like a petulant child, saying vulgar things just loud enough to make salesmen really uncomfortable, and pointing out how much said shopper needs things like a black and white checked blazer or a seersucker suit all while demanding that we get a Starbucks every 5 minutes.

Luckily Venus came along and is an experienced shopper as she has outfitted her younger brother for most of his life. Once we finished shopping I hijacked Venus and forced her to do, what else, more shopping. We had a religious experience at Sephora and then headed to Dillards for the sheer fact that we had never been to the Dillards in that mall.

The paycheck that I get at the first of the month is used mainly for rent, so my spending room is really pretty limited. However, when I saw this romper, I knew it was destiny. (I had previously been seeking out a white romper to wear to an all white party to be hosted by Nouns and I - but this one was SO much better). We were also planning to attend a country concert and I could NOT resist. Oh yeah, and then I spent even more money that I don't have on some new MAC eyeshadow that I bought from what was certainly a Tranny.

I headed back to Venus's apartment and took a shower. When I got out, I wasn't going to put on my old clothes. So I dawned the Romper. A LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE. As soon as I had it on, I knew I could flirt better, drink more, and be more ridiculous in general. In short, it made me rowdy.

So we all meet back at our apartment and pile into one car and head to this concert. Copious amounts of beer are had. We are the only people dancing through most of the concert, and when I say dancing, I mean twirling around like small children. Everyone is so annoyed with us.

Venus has slipped some Vodka in between her beers and is starting to get a little out of hand. I can tell that she is about 1 sip away from turning into a mean drunk, so I implore our DD to babysit her. I turn to say something to someone else, turn back, and now Venus has two beers in her hands. There is only one thing to do. Chug and reload.

I kindly inform Venus that we have plans when we get back to pour her into bed, then go out. Mainly because I felt bad for the DD who I don't think ended up having a great time anyway. The Romper has given me a renewed confidence, so upon the first meeting of a man we get the initial "I work in finance, you are a consultant" bs out of the way. I cut him off in mid sentence to discuss this with him.

Dude: "So basically I just tell businesses what..."

Me: "I'm bored of this. If someone invented a way to travel instantaneously from point a to point b but it would take two years off your life, would you do it?"

Dude (a little bewildered): "can I go anywhere"

Me: "Sure"

Dude: "Like from here to the bathroom"

Me: "Yeah, why not"

Dude: "Absolutely"

We chatted for awhile, I gave him a business card. He said "Maybe I'll give you a call sometime." No sir, you absolutely will not.

So its about 1:45 and I send some precarious text messages. Nouns, Boat Party and I begin the trip home. All the while I am yelling obscene things. For instance a car honked at us and I retorted "come back and rip this romper right off me." You get the picture. Nouns and I hatch a plan to go to the Spearmint Rhino. It is really the best idea I have heard. By the time we get home I am over the moon.

At about 2:15 I get a text message. A return from the precarious texts earlier. Somebody is taking the bait. That's right ladies and gentlemen, Thing Two is back on the scene. He informs me via text that Spearmint Rhino closes at 2:00. Nouns and I experience simultaneous breaking of the heart. I decide now is a good time to drive to Thing Two's apartment for a late night make-out.

When I leave in the morning, he is still sleeping and right after I close his door he wakes up and yells "Hey." He comes to the door and says:

T2: "Are you leaving"

Me: "Yeah"

T2: "Oh, I thought I heard something"

Me: "Yeah, you did, me. Getting up. And leaving"

I then proceded to slap him on the ass and stroll out of his apartment still wearing the Romper and my cowboy boots. Normal people doing normal things on the street were staring at me like I was a prostitute.

When I got home and relayed this information to Nouns and Venus, Nouns had the clarity to say.

"Wow, its like there were two phases of your life. Pre-romper, and Post-romper."

I think shes right. And I think I like it.

also.

watch out fiends (typo, i'm not fixing it.) feels like a celeb when he gets mentioned in the blog, so let it be known hes way jealous of our almost stripclub tryst.

forgive me. i am drunk.

the scene: my living room. post booze fest at a concert. i have already been told my left breast is entirely exposed and i totally want whataburger.

the facts
- i lied about my name to 85% of the people i met
-shoulders needs a man to rip her denim romper off her nubile body
-i am texting people to accompany me to a strip club
-everyone else is passed out

k bye.

Nouns and Boat Party do Austin.

First things first... some stage directions to set the scene. The crew minus a few (most importantly lyrical cabbage) have moved to the big D. Boat party and i took a trip back for a little walk down debauchery lane.

Picture it: Labor Day 2008, college football opening weekend.
Act one, Scene one: Upon our arrival in austin, we meet up with Lyrical cabbage at her new "adult" apartment and immediately head out for Mexican Martinis. After a round of drinks and a huge bowl of queso, we get in a cab (which i clumisly cut my foot on) and head straight for "our bar."
Act one, Scene two: we are immediately greeted with a free round of vodka sodas the familiar sound of the DJ creepily saying "JEENNNYY" (nope not my real name... he just thinks it is) as i prance up the bar. the next few hours are a blur "omg how are yous" and "UGHHH theres that girl i hate". we head to the big beer bar to end the night and i could not be more pleased. some nice man places a glass of the colorado koolaid in my hands and i'm set. i'm catching up with old friends when i turn and see him. the ex. i have yet to name this creature, soo i guess that will be his name. hes there with his new girlfriend (they met when she was sleeping with his roommate, classy i know). luckily its close to closing i pound a couple of beers and me, boat party, lc, next door neighbor, and his military friend pour ourselves in cab.
Act one, Scene three: now this where the night gets REALLY blurry. i dont know how it happened, but lc gets offended by something ndn does... at first i think shes crazy. later i found out he said "bitch money and shit to me" and threw money in her face (no wonder she was pissed). LC is so angry she leaves her new phone in the cab. these are my people.

Act two, Scene one: we spend the next day tailgating and head to a bar (since they don't sell the hooch at the stadium) to watch to watch UT beat the shit out of some no talent assclowns.
Act two, Scene two: we head down town where we meet up with watch out friends, bdv and crew who after one round of drinks decide to go to the campus bar instead. i should have just lit money on fire, it would have been a better investment.
Act two, Scene three: boat party and i essentially babysit a table while the boys booze like crazy. cut to the end of the night. its 1:55 and WOF has 5 shots lined up and 2 beers in his hand. BDV is asleep at the table (after he fell over backwards in his chair) and boat party and i are trying fruitlessly to round the troops. we finally get them in the car and head home. at the destination WOF decides getting out of the car is an AWFUL idea.
Act two, Scene four: he comes with us to taco cabana. i am a shit talker. i love to heckle and make outlandish claims of my awesomeness. so is WOF.we begin arguing about who can drink more and as hes listing all the things he can beat me at he yells "I WILL EAT YOU OUT". silence followed by GUTTERAL laughter. inside taco cabana there is a newly wed couple. like just wed 20 minutes ago at the local community center. maybe their backyard. WOF proposes a polygamous relationship (which is why i suppose we are supposed to watch out??) we inhale some tacos and head back to LC's to pass out on the floor. as soon as i park the car WOF gets out and voms ALL over a tree. after trying to deny his trail of booze clues, we get him up stairs and we immediately pass out.

Act three, Scene one: breakfast at the fattest restaurant in the world we are the only table who doesnt have to buy two tickets when flying. we recap the evening, show WOF the evidence he left outside LC's apartment and embark on another day boozing.
Act three, Scene two: we head to an outdoor music festival put on by LC's man friend. after downing 16oz bud lights for about an hour, Lyrical Cabbage, Boat Party, our new friends Broadway and the photographer begin to put on a show singing and dancing included. best concert ever (not sure if i feel that way due to booze, music, or the company). We settled into bed with a bottle of wine and a 90210 marathon (not to mention the harsh realization that we are old).

CURTAIN.