Oh, because THAT'S going to make me want to sleep with you.

I was innocently skimming the obituaries and marriage announcements (one and the same if you ask me) of my local news paper today when an ad for the "Perfect Valentine's Day Gift" pops up. Now, this is my first single Valentines Day since I was like a freshman in high school. That being said, I've NEVER been a fan of this holiday. I have a plethora of reasons, but this particular gift really makes me hate it.



There are so many things wrong with this being given as a gift on "the most romantic day of the year". For starters, there are housewives in Hoboken, New Jersey who think these gold dipped roses are tacky. I've always said that getting flowers as a gift is kind of like getting a really old person. They both require upkeep, you can't do anything with them but look at them, and pretty soon after you get them, they die. I guess these ForeverRoses solve that problem?

Either way, if a guy were to ever show up on my door step with gold dipped roses of any sort, I'd send his ass packing. While buying me candy would require even less thought than his hideous "floral" arrangement, at least I'd have something to eat for dinner because lord knows I haven't been to the grocery store in about a month.

My point is gents, if you're looking to get in my pants around the 14th of this month, all I want is a six pack of Blue Moon, a bottle of vodka, and maybe some Dairy Queen. Save this kind of shit for your grandma.