Happy Birthday America!!!

In celebration of our great country, the lot of us spent our 4th at the pool getting blitzed out of our minds on domestic beers and sangria from a jug. So needless to say, we did not make it out that night. In true lush form, we decided to rebound by going out on Saturday night and acting twice as silly.

GP and I started with a romantic lady date at Cafe Express where we split a bottle of Chardonnay. Then we decided to head to the new bar we have found that no one knows anything about except that it has "the strongest drinks." So obviously this has become one of our new favorite places to be.

GP to bartender: "we need three vodka sodas, and can you make one a double?"
Bartender: "every drink is a double here."
Me: "Then I'll have two."

I have been missing my debit card for about 2 weeks and had taken no steps to cancel or replace it. By chance I have GP ask if they have it behind the bar. They do. Hoorah! I'll drink to that. GP and I cheers to "the bride and groom, and the best bar in America."

A stranger approaches our table, I immediately turn my back and pretend to be texting because let's face it... he is strange. I turn back around to find that GP has convinced this guy to buy our table of 6 shots. I see him hand the waitress a wad of cash and turn my attention where it belongs - to the glass of straight vodka sitting in front of me. When the waitress returns with our shots she has a fist full of change and wonders where the guy went. Apparently this guy LOVES to light money on fire because he bought us shots AND THEN LEFT THE BAR.

We cheers to "the Bride and the Groom, America, and that guy". The shot tastes like it was a mix of Robutussin and Moonshine. Things are starting to get hazy and its only about 11:00.

GP has selected some target at the bar and has convinced herself that the best way to get his attention is to drink as many drinks as she can as quickly as possible. I of course do my best to keep up because everyone knows that when you are buying rounds of drinks, you are a 4 year old child if you can't keep up.

We decide to walk down the street to the same bar where we met The Cougar. GP has found a new target and as I see her take her second round of shots, I join in on Nouns' conversation with 3 dudes because I like my odds and my drink is quickly depleting. They are talking about something to do with politics. Economic policy or immigration or something of that nature. My vodka soaked brain can't handle it, so I run away and proceed to chat up every acceptable man within yelling distance. My opening line seems to be something like this:

"HEY YOU, COME HERE."

The lights come on at the bar. GP is gone, I don't have the wits about me to figure out where Nouns or our other friends are, so I just start to walk out the door. As I do this a shadowy figure appears out of nowhere and says:

Voice of an angel: "We are going to a strip club. You are coming with us!"
Me: "Jesus is that you?"
Voice of an angel: "No, I said strip club... STRIP CLUB"
I shrug my shoulders and say: "OK." and follow the man out of the bar with reckless abandon.

Turns out that the shadowy figure is not Jesus, but is indeed Thing 2 who we have been running into constantly since moving here. He frequently text messages Venus to no avail. But tonight he has decided he'd like to have my company. OK, sure, whatever there's booze involved right?

So I climb into his car and it is packed with people but within 15 minutes it is down to Thing 2 and some REALLY sketchy guy in the back seat that keeps sniffing things and me. At one point it gets really quiet and I start to giggle and I say:

"I have to tell you guys something (more giggling)... I have never been to a strip club before."

This is met with a roar of "OHMYGODWEARESOBUYINGYOULIKEFIFTYLAPDANCES."

The strip club is really far away and by the time we get there it is about 2:45 in the morning. Thing 2 pays my cover and then shows the door guy his stamp from earlier. WHAT?? That's right folks, Thing 2 and Sniffles have ALREADY been to the strip club within 24 hours. This should really disgust me, but instead I just giggle, stumble inside, and demand a beer.

The strip club was what I would imagine all strip clubs to be like. They did indeed buy me a lap dance... I was wearing a dress I borrowed from GP. GP if you are reading this, your pink dress now has herpes - sorry. At about 4 AM we head back to civilization.

We drop off Sniffles who can barely hold his head up and Thing 2 says "sorry if this is really forward, but do you want to sleep at my place?"

Me: "Sure, but I have two conditions."
T2: "OK, let's hear them."
Me: "First, I am NOT going to look good in the morning, so as long as you are OK with that we can move on."
T2: "uh, OK."
Me: "And B I am going to sleep with you but I am NOT going to sleep with you."
T2: "Right... I think I can accept your terms."
Me: "OK then we have a deal. Lead me to your lair."

He took me to his apartment where I quickly fall into a booze induced coma and he did the same. When we woke up this morning I looked in the mirror and said:

"See I told you I was not going to look good in the morning. This is awful."
T2: "We didn't have sex either, so I guess you are two for two."
Me: "Hey, my standards are low, but I stick to them."

He drove me home where I hopped out of his car and said, "Whelp, I guess I'll see ya around, because, well, I always do. Bye!" and scurried off.

When I arrived back at our apartment Nouns explained to me that she was abandoned at the bar and our other friends were kind enough to take her home. They said

"What happened to Shoulders?"
Nouns: "She went home with Thing 2."
Friends: "oh, is that the one she was talking to in the corner?"
Nouns: "Nope."
Friends: "So it was the other one?"
Nouns: "Nope, you didn't see him at all tonight, she just sketched off."
Friends: "Oh. OK."

Happy birthday America, I feel like I did you proud. I'm living the American dream kids.