HAPPY EFFING BIRTHDAY!!!!

That's it Ladies and Gentlemen. I have officially been thrown out of a bar.

Last night we went out to celebrate our friend The Intern's 21st birthday. I know for a fact that she reads this so I want to point out a few highlights for her that she probably - scratch that - CERTAINLY does not remember.

I caught up with the crowd at the bar with the strong drinks. GP and I drove to the area and met Joel McHale Fan (who by the way needs a new name - I'm thinking either Mr. Wonderful or God Among Kings). I instantly greeted him with "Hey, its me, your favorite third wheel." We walked in to the bar and there was a table of couples, The Intern, and one other friend of GP's from work. Barkeep! I'll have a vodka soda please, easy on the soda.

We leave there eventually and head to the first bar where we demand a birthday shot. Despite the bar being virtually empty and the door guy letting us in, when I say "what tastes good to a 21 year old" the bartender demands to see The Intern's license. She hands it to him proudly. He refuses her service because she has not been 21 for 24 hours. The whole time I swear to god I thought this guy was kidding. In fact I even offered to show him some clevage if he'd just mix some sort of beverage for her. Apparently he was gay because we left shotless.

We are all standing in the middle of the street with cries of "I can't believe this," "Is that guy serious?," and "Wait did you just tell him you'd show him your boobs for a shot?" when I look over at The Intern. She is on the verge of a melt down and I just grab her by the arm and march down the street and in to a sports bar where I demand "the strongest shot you can make for an unhappy lady on her birthday." The female bartender obliges, so I guess she might have been gay too. Whatever... at least I got some booze.

We hang out there for awhile and it dawns on me, Mr. Wonderful and GP met in this very bar one week ago. I get a huge smile on my face and turn to GP and say "OMG are you feeling nostalgic?" The smile falls off her face faster than you can say "raving bitch." Then I take a picture of the two of them and I turn to Mr. Wonderful and I say..."THAT'S A GOOD ONE, KEEP IT FOR THE GRANDCHILDREN!" GP is plotting my murder. I run away to giggle with Venus who has showed up.

Someone eventually suggests we head across the street to one of those clubby bars. There are several tables reserved and three baloons and NOT A SINGLE SOUL IN THE PLACE. I turn to The Intern and say "SUPRISE!!!!" She apparently already knows me too well and just ignores me, but Venus and I giggle for awhile. Then Venus and I preceed to have a photoshoot in the open bar because well... we can. (GP if you are reading this POST SOME GD PICTURES).

We leave and head to a bar that the men of The Bachelorette frequent. By this point in the night Mr. Wonderful and GP have decided that I need a man. They are determined to find me one, and won't stop until all options have been exhausted. The Intern is starting to stumble by this point and I am a little concerned, but its her 21st, so I encourage her to order another shot. She does..."deliciousness in a glass" is what the bartender answered when she asked "what the hell is this?" sloshing a little on the counter.

At one point I am talking to GP and Mr. Wonderful and someone taps Mr. Wonderful on the shoulder and says, "The intern keeps yelling that you owe her a drink." He turns around to buy her one and she points at him and kind of slurs "Yeah, that onesss owesss me a drink." This is getting interesting. At this point someone suggests that she keep a running tally on her arm of how many drinks she has had so far. She had started the night determined to make it to 18 and by this point had moved her goal up to 21. I mean I have to respect a woman with high aspirations like that, but I was pretty certain it would take an elusive miracle sometimes known as the "puke and rally" to get there.

Mr. Wonderful leans over to me and says, "OK, it is now your job to mark three tally marks every time she has a drink." THIS MAN IS BRILLIANT. We leave and go to another bar. The bar tender catches my attention and says "Is it your birthday?" I said no and pointed to The Intern who is now harassing some valet's who had just gotten off work and were having a cold one before going home "It's hers." "Oh, well someone named Lauren just called and gave me her credit card number and told me to buy the birthday girl a shot."

I am thrilled by this news and go to let The Intern know. By the time I get back there are 15 shot glasses filled with something purple sitting on the counter. I distribute them to everyone in the party, yell out "to the bride and groom." Watch everyone down the shots and lean over to GP to say "There is no way that was for us, or that she was supposed to make 15 of them. I have no idea what just happened, but we should leave."

We walk back to the bar next to the bar in which we were rudely refused service by a gay bartender and go inside for a shot. I am supporting every ounce of The Intern's tiny little body and simultaneously appologizing to the men she keeps yelling at in the bar. (I believe it was something like "Get the fuck out of my way, its my 21st birthday.") GP turns to one of The Interns friends and says, get the bartender to make a shot with no alcohol in it. This seems silly to me, I never even thought you COULD make a shot with no alcohol, but for once in my life I support this theory (mostly because I wanted to see just how it would work and if, indeed the universe would cease to exist.)

As someone hands The Intern a shot (alcoholic content unknown) and I mark 5 tally marks on her arm, a small Asian man (I'd put him at 5'4'') shines a tiny flashlight in my face and says "THATS IT, YOU ARE OUT, GET OUT, I'M SERIOUS!" I just start to laugh, in all my days of debauchery NEVER have I been asked to leave an establishment.

I WAS TAKEN DOWN BY A 21 YEAR OLD!

It was pretty awesome, and I THINK The Intern had a good night despite the rude beginning and end. I'm game to guess that she did not have such a good morning, but so be it. That's the price you have to pay to the Booze Gods little one. I am super excited that she is going to be able to go out with us for the rest of the summer, something tells me that our apartment (aka the brothel) is about to be plus one on several occasions. I think I might just have a spare key made.