Boat Party had come in town over the weekend to hang out and (shocker) go to a boat party with Shoulders, Venus, me, some of my coworkers, other various Urban Family Dinner girls, and about 85 other Dallas Texas Exes. There were two two story party barges tied together with slides on both of them. The boats were stocked with Miller Lite tall boys, sangria, and this premixed Bacardi Mojito stuff. The party was a lot of fun, and amazingly we ended up being able to go out after we got back. And I think what is even more amazing than that is that I was sober enough to drive home. I guess I didn't drink that much because there were really no men attractive enough on the party barge for me to drink with.
I did engage in a conversation and cigarette up on the top deck with the lifeguard who was supposed to be keeping a watch over the people jumping off and floating around the barge. But if he didn't mind, I didn't either. I was in no need of rescue. Shoulders had already talked to the lifeguard about the rules regarding his drinking on the boat. He said he couldn't start drinking until we pulled anchor. She proceeds to promise him a shot gun as soon as we were on our way back to dock. And we do.
So we get back and shower and change. Like the champ Venus is, she fell asleep on our couch in her towel. Shoulders was nice enough to give her some pjs and put Venus in her bed.
We all are starving by this point because the food on the boat had no refrigeration really, so it kind of weirded us all out. Our Next Door Neighbor had come on the barge as well and had been talking the whole time about getting a steak dinner when we got back. So that's what we did. Seven of us head out to eat and go out.
The best part about dinner was our dinnertainment, ONDN. He got super drunk on the boat, but he wanted that steak dinner. And he really enjoyed it too. At one point I look over at him and he makes a face that makes me swear there is some one under the table giving him a blowjob. It was truly an orgasmic face. Shoulders catches my gaze and looks over too. We both laugh uncontrollably and ONDN realizes we just witnessed the face he made and joins in our laughter. His laughter is from a mix of embarrassment and still being drunk, ours is from sheer dinnertainment.
I had been texting Mr. Wonderful (previously Joel McHale fan, renammed by Shoulders) the entire meal trying to figure out if he was going to be able to come out with us that night. He had been at a baseball game, but assured me he would come out. And he did.
We first start at the strong drinks bar, which I love, but Boat Party can not hang. She takes a few sips and goes back up to the bar to ask the bartender to put more soda in her drink. He looks at her like she is insane, but obliges. I step quickly away from her, because I do not want anyone to see me associate myself with someone who would disrespect the strong drinks bar in that way. But in Boat Party's defense she had thrown up from Friday night. It takes a lot to be able to hang out with our group.
We hop over to another bar, but everyone is pretty much wiped. A few go back to our apartments around 1, but Shoulders and I stick it out a little longer with Mr. Wonderful and his friends. When we all do decided to go home Mr. Wonderful offers to drive my car back to my apartment from dinner where I had left it. Such a gentleman.
When we all get back there is a little resurgance for an after party, but it dissipates quickly when ONDN stalls in his apartment with some people doing God knows what. When they do come over, we are so over the after party. They quickly realize this after 10 minutes of akwardly standing around, and leave.
Mr. Wonderful and I had been playing with some truth or dare cards that Shoulders had gotten from an old social chair in her sorority. We were asking eachother random questions and not really paying much attention to anything around us.
Boat Party realizes that Mr. Wonderful is staying over and goes and gets ready for bed in my room and comes back out to sleep on the couch. She totally redeems herself from the performace at the strong drinks bar. So Mr. Wonderful and I head to bed.
The next morning Boat Party is trying to arrange a drop off with her ride back to Austin from friends of ours. We all decide to go to brunch, and Mr. Wonderful comes along too. He was great at brunch. He has great stories and he kept us all entertained. Especially with the story about his friend who is still on probation because in a black out drunken stupor he traveled 6 miles without a car to break into a steak house and make himself food. When the cops came in he was drinking wine and had the stove heating up. That is a man who knows how to party. But I think maybe that if you are getting that drunk a lot, probation can be a good thing.
I was supposed to go into work yesterday (Sunday) after brunch, which totally sucks, but its my job so I make due. I drop Mr. Wonderful off and he says for me to call him when I'm done so we can hang out.
I go home, shower, and get ready for work. Even though its a weekend, we still have to be business casual. Annoying. I am in the car on the way to work and I see I have a message. Its from my boss.
"Hey, GP, its boss. I got your message that you were going to be in at 2. I am going to have you put a hold on that for a minute. I am not planning on coming in until later this evening, and I won't be able to give you adequate instructions over the phone. I tried getting a hold of [manager] to see if she was going in so she could give you the assignment, but she didn't answer. So let's put you in a holding pattern, and go ahead and enjoy your Sunday. You may get a call from [manager] or me if we need you to come in. This is a really big project, so I am definitely going to need your assistance next weekend, and well all of the weekends until this report goes out just to give you aheads up on the expectations for this thing. Okay, you may be hearing from me or [manager] but if not we will get rolling early on Monday."
Really? I just showered and got ready, when all I wanted to do was go work out. But I still couldn't go work out in case they called me, beacuse I needed to be ready. So I call Mr. Wonderful and commplain to him. He listens, consoles and tells me to take a nap and call him later. Thats just what I do. Boss never calls, so at least my nap didn't get ruined.
I call Mr. Wonderful and head to his house to hang out. Neither of us had eaten since brunch, so we get food from a place a minute walk from where he lives. Everyone else has eaten here but me, and Venus had reccommended this salad that I really wanted to try. We pull up the menu online and all I know is that Venus said its got tons of guacamole. There is only one thing under the salad section of the menu that mentions guacamole, so I have Mr. Wonderful order that for me. He hadn't been in a while, but remembered liking another salad on the menu. When we get back and go through the food. I realize that what I ordered was straight guacamole. Two huge heaps of guacamole. Mr. Wonderful's salad actually turns out to be what I was trying to order. He suggests we split the salad and the guacamole. But the salad is mostly guacamole as well. So needless to say there were quite a few avacadoes harmed in the making of this blog.
We watch some 30 Rock, and Lucky Number Slevin. We went through a bunch of movies to figure out which one to watch. He is trying to figure out what I haven't seen and make sure I get to see the good ones. As we flip past Lucky Number Slevin, I tell him I haven't seen it. He says its really good, and should see it, so we throw it in. 15 minutes in I realize I have seen it, but didn't have the heart to tell him. Luckily I think I was pretty drunk when I saw it because all of the surpirses still surprised me. So he was none the wiser. Sometimes is pays to have an affinity for alcohol.
We then finish the movie and go to bed. I am getting used to sharing a bed with him. One of us has slept over at the other's 6 of the 9 nights since the first time we hung out. Its almost weird when he's not there.
He is taking Shoulders, ONDN and I out to a Ranger's game tonight with his Dad's tickets. I think it is incredibly nice of him to let me bring two friends when he has plenty of people I know would love to come. But he has gotten to know Shoulders really well, and him and ONDN get along really well, so I think he thinks of them as his friends sort of now too.
So all in all it was a good weekend. I was glad to see Boat Party, the boat party was a lot of fun, and Mr. Wonderful is still..well..wonderful.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Bad, Better, Worse
The Good News: I found a man last night!!!
The Bad News: HE WAS 30!!
Worse News: I BELIEVE I was making out with him in a bar. And he jumped ship as soon as he could when he and his friends came back to The Brothel to post party.
Whelp, off to drink more !!! :)
The Bad News: HE WAS 30!!
Worse News: I BELIEVE I was making out with him in a bar. And he jumped ship as soon as he could when he and his friends came back to The Brothel to post party.
Whelp, off to drink more !!! :)
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
HAPPY EFFING BIRTHDAY!!!!
That's it Ladies and Gentlemen. I have officially been thrown out of a bar.
Last night we went out to celebrate our friend The Intern's 21st birthday. I know for a fact that she reads this so I want to point out a few highlights for her that she probably - scratch that - CERTAINLY does not remember.
I caught up with the crowd at the bar with the strong drinks. GP and I drove to the area and met Joel McHale Fan (who by the way needs a new name - I'm thinking either Mr. Wonderful or God Among Kings). I instantly greeted him with "Hey, its me, your favorite third wheel." We walked in to the bar and there was a table of couples, The Intern, and one other friend of GP's from work. Barkeep! I'll have a vodka soda please, easy on the soda.
We leave there eventually and head to the first bar where we demand a birthday shot. Despite the bar being virtually empty and the door guy letting us in, when I say "what tastes good to a 21 year old" the bartender demands to see The Intern's license. She hands it to him proudly. He refuses her service because she has not been 21 for 24 hours. The whole time I swear to god I thought this guy was kidding. In fact I even offered to show him some clevage if he'd just mix some sort of beverage for her. Apparently he was gay because we left shotless.
We are all standing in the middle of the street with cries of "I can't believe this," "Is that guy serious?," and "Wait did you just tell him you'd show him your boobs for a shot?" when I look over at The Intern. She is on the verge of a melt down and I just grab her by the arm and march down the street and in to a sports bar where I demand "the strongest shot you can make for an unhappy lady on her birthday." The female bartender obliges, so I guess she might have been gay too. Whatever... at least I got some booze.
We hang out there for awhile and it dawns on me, Mr. Wonderful and GP met in this very bar one week ago. I get a huge smile on my face and turn to GP and say "OMG are you feeling nostalgic?" The smile falls off her face faster than you can say "raving bitch." Then I take a picture of the two of them and I turn to Mr. Wonderful and I say..."THAT'S A GOOD ONE, KEEP IT FOR THE GRANDCHILDREN!" GP is plotting my murder. I run away to giggle with Venus who has showed up.
Someone eventually suggests we head across the street to one of those clubby bars. There are several tables reserved and three baloons and NOT A SINGLE SOUL IN THE PLACE. I turn to The Intern and say "SUPRISE!!!!" She apparently already knows me too well and just ignores me, but Venus and I giggle for awhile. Then Venus and I preceed to have a photoshoot in the open bar because well... we can. (GP if you are reading this POST SOME GD PICTURES).
We leave and head to a bar that the men of The Bachelorette frequent. By this point in the night Mr. Wonderful and GP have decided that I need a man. They are determined to find me one, and won't stop until all options have been exhausted. The Intern is starting to stumble by this point and I am a little concerned, but its her 21st, so I encourage her to order another shot. She does..."deliciousness in a glass" is what the bartender answered when she asked "what the hell is this?" sloshing a little on the counter.
At one point I am talking to GP and Mr. Wonderful and someone taps Mr. Wonderful on the shoulder and says, "The intern keeps yelling that you owe her a drink." He turns around to buy her one and she points at him and kind of slurs "Yeah, that onesss owesss me a drink." This is getting interesting. At this point someone suggests that she keep a running tally on her arm of how many drinks she has had so far. She had started the night determined to make it to 18 and by this point had moved her goal up to 21. I mean I have to respect a woman with high aspirations like that, but I was pretty certain it would take an elusive miracle sometimes known as the "puke and rally" to get there.
Mr. Wonderful leans over to me and says, "OK, it is now your job to mark three tally marks every time she has a drink." THIS MAN IS BRILLIANT. We leave and go to another bar. The bar tender catches my attention and says "Is it your birthday?" I said no and pointed to The Intern who is now harassing some valet's who had just gotten off work and were having a cold one before going home "It's hers." "Oh, well someone named Lauren just called and gave me her credit card number and told me to buy the birthday girl a shot."
I am thrilled by this news and go to let The Intern know. By the time I get back there are 15 shot glasses filled with something purple sitting on the counter. I distribute them to everyone in the party, yell out "to the bride and groom." Watch everyone down the shots and lean over to GP to say "There is no way that was for us, or that she was supposed to make 15 of them. I have no idea what just happened, but we should leave."
We walk back to the bar next to the bar in which we were rudely refused service by a gay bartender and go inside for a shot. I am supporting every ounce of The Intern's tiny little body and simultaneously appologizing to the men she keeps yelling at in the bar. (I believe it was something like "Get the fuck out of my way, its my 21st birthday.") GP turns to one of The Interns friends and says, get the bartender to make a shot with no alcohol in it. This seems silly to me, I never even thought you COULD make a shot with no alcohol, but for once in my life I support this theory (mostly because I wanted to see just how it would work and if, indeed the universe would cease to exist.)
As someone hands The Intern a shot (alcoholic content unknown) and I mark 5 tally marks on her arm, a small Asian man (I'd put him at 5'4'') shines a tiny flashlight in my face and says "THATS IT, YOU ARE OUT, GET OUT, I'M SERIOUS!" I just start to laugh, in all my days of debauchery NEVER have I been asked to leave an establishment.
I WAS TAKEN DOWN BY A 21 YEAR OLD!
It was pretty awesome, and I THINK The Intern had a good night despite the rude beginning and end. I'm game to guess that she did not have such a good morning, but so be it. That's the price you have to pay to the Booze Gods little one. I am super excited that she is going to be able to go out with us for the rest of the summer, something tells me that our apartment (aka the brothel) is about to be plus one on several occasions. I think I might just have a spare key made.
Last night we went out to celebrate our friend The Intern's 21st birthday. I know for a fact that she reads this so I want to point out a few highlights for her that she probably - scratch that - CERTAINLY does not remember.
I caught up with the crowd at the bar with the strong drinks. GP and I drove to the area and met Joel McHale Fan (who by the way needs a new name - I'm thinking either Mr. Wonderful or God Among Kings). I instantly greeted him with "Hey, its me, your favorite third wheel." We walked in to the bar and there was a table of couples, The Intern, and one other friend of GP's from work. Barkeep! I'll have a vodka soda please, easy on the soda.
We leave there eventually and head to the first bar where we demand a birthday shot. Despite the bar being virtually empty and the door guy letting us in, when I say "what tastes good to a 21 year old" the bartender demands to see The Intern's license. She hands it to him proudly. He refuses her service because she has not been 21 for 24 hours. The whole time I swear to god I thought this guy was kidding. In fact I even offered to show him some clevage if he'd just mix some sort of beverage for her. Apparently he was gay because we left shotless.
We are all standing in the middle of the street with cries of "I can't believe this," "Is that guy serious?," and "Wait did you just tell him you'd show him your boobs for a shot?" when I look over at The Intern. She is on the verge of a melt down and I just grab her by the arm and march down the street and in to a sports bar where I demand "the strongest shot you can make for an unhappy lady on her birthday." The female bartender obliges, so I guess she might have been gay too. Whatever... at least I got some booze.
We hang out there for awhile and it dawns on me, Mr. Wonderful and GP met in this very bar one week ago. I get a huge smile on my face and turn to GP and say "OMG are you feeling nostalgic?" The smile falls off her face faster than you can say "raving bitch." Then I take a picture of the two of them and I turn to Mr. Wonderful and I say..."THAT'S A GOOD ONE, KEEP IT FOR THE GRANDCHILDREN!" GP is plotting my murder. I run away to giggle with Venus who has showed up.
Someone eventually suggests we head across the street to one of those clubby bars. There are several tables reserved and three baloons and NOT A SINGLE SOUL IN THE PLACE. I turn to The Intern and say "SUPRISE!!!!" She apparently already knows me too well and just ignores me, but Venus and I giggle for awhile. Then Venus and I preceed to have a photoshoot in the open bar because well... we can. (GP if you are reading this POST SOME GD PICTURES).
We leave and head to a bar that the men of The Bachelorette frequent. By this point in the night Mr. Wonderful and GP have decided that I need a man. They are determined to find me one, and won't stop until all options have been exhausted. The Intern is starting to stumble by this point and I am a little concerned, but its her 21st, so I encourage her to order another shot. She does..."deliciousness in a glass" is what the bartender answered when she asked "what the hell is this?" sloshing a little on the counter.
At one point I am talking to GP and Mr. Wonderful and someone taps Mr. Wonderful on the shoulder and says, "The intern keeps yelling that you owe her a drink." He turns around to buy her one and she points at him and kind of slurs "Yeah, that onesss owesss me a drink." This is getting interesting. At this point someone suggests that she keep a running tally on her arm of how many drinks she has had so far. She had started the night determined to make it to 18 and by this point had moved her goal up to 21. I mean I have to respect a woman with high aspirations like that, but I was pretty certain it would take an elusive miracle sometimes known as the "puke and rally" to get there.
Mr. Wonderful leans over to me and says, "OK, it is now your job to mark three tally marks every time she has a drink." THIS MAN IS BRILLIANT. We leave and go to another bar. The bar tender catches my attention and says "Is it your birthday?" I said no and pointed to The Intern who is now harassing some valet's who had just gotten off work and were having a cold one before going home "It's hers." "Oh, well someone named Lauren just called and gave me her credit card number and told me to buy the birthday girl a shot."
I am thrilled by this news and go to let The Intern know. By the time I get back there are 15 shot glasses filled with something purple sitting on the counter. I distribute them to everyone in the party, yell out "to the bride and groom." Watch everyone down the shots and lean over to GP to say "There is no way that was for us, or that she was supposed to make 15 of them. I have no idea what just happened, but we should leave."
We walk back to the bar next to the bar in which we were rudely refused service by a gay bartender and go inside for a shot. I am supporting every ounce of The Intern's tiny little body and simultaneously appologizing to the men she keeps yelling at in the bar. (I believe it was something like "Get the fuck out of my way, its my 21st birthday.") GP turns to one of The Interns friends and says, get the bartender to make a shot with no alcohol in it. This seems silly to me, I never even thought you COULD make a shot with no alcohol, but for once in my life I support this theory (mostly because I wanted to see just how it would work and if, indeed the universe would cease to exist.)
As someone hands The Intern a shot (alcoholic content unknown) and I mark 5 tally marks on her arm, a small Asian man (I'd put him at 5'4'') shines a tiny flashlight in my face and says "THATS IT, YOU ARE OUT, GET OUT, I'M SERIOUS!" I just start to laugh, in all my days of debauchery NEVER have I been asked to leave an establishment.
I WAS TAKEN DOWN BY A 21 YEAR OLD!
It was pretty awesome, and I THINK The Intern had a good night despite the rude beginning and end. I'm game to guess that she did not have such a good morning, but so be it. That's the price you have to pay to the Booze Gods little one. I am super excited that she is going to be able to go out with us for the rest of the summer, something tells me that our apartment (aka the brothel) is about to be plus one on several occasions. I think I might just have a spare key made.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
And Your Vertical Blinds are Effing Annoying
I think the only way to describe last night is just to post the actual log of all of my text messages... so here goes.
Disclaimer: This is not for the faint of heart or people who are bothered by severly misspelled words.
July 18, 2008
6:24 PM - Recipient: Lyrical Cabbage
"I am driving down the toll road and just had a vision of you knocking that table over in vegas and no can't stip laughing...Miss you!"
7:18 PM - From: Venus
"Need a nape before going out. Will call you when done. Go to [bar] or whatever without me. "
8:22 - From: A Friend
"Plans?"
9:02 - Recipient: A Friend
"Hey, GP and I are at my place getting ready to go out Venus is taking a nap (wtf...i know) we are going to the [bar] its on [street] but you are welcome to come over here first."
9:04 From: A Friend
"Haha Ok yeah I talked to [another friendd] and heard Venus was going there. I think I might end up going to their plave bc its a lil closer. But looks like ima see yall either way."
Rejection Count: 1
9:06 Recipient: Venus
"Are you awake yet whore?"
10:30 From: Venus
"Whats your status???"
10:30 Recipient: Venus
"About to heasd to the [bar] with Neighbor and co. in tow"
10:31 From: Venus
"Ok fab. Im at Bizarro's and we are about to head over there."
10:32 Recipient: Venus
"Tell Bizarro Shoulders I said hi!"
11:09 Recipient: Venus
"Just ran in to that dude who sucks in line..."
11:11 From: Venus
"We are in line outside...grrrr"
11:11 From: Venus
"Do you have a table?"
11:28 To: GP
"Where are you?"
11:32 From:GP
"Wherever you need me to be"
11:40 From: GP
"I want you I need you. Oh baby oh baby. Can we leave please?"
12:05 (or what I like to refer to as the turning point) Recipient: Venus
"We are gong? we're. Goinbg [bar] come meet."
12:06 From Venus
"Wherw are you going?"
12:06 Recipient: Venus
"That was quick...[bar]"
12:07 From: Venus
"K fab. We will finish our drinks and likely join." * Note, I did not see Venus again that night.
12:09 Recipient: Venus
"Fuck You!"
12:30 From: Venus
"Whyyyyy? How's [bar?]"
12:34 Recipient: Venus
"It sucks how is it where you are?"
12:49 Recipient: Venus
"Need Thing 2's numner help me out..."
***Venus if you are reading this you are a freaking enabler. I need to cut you out of my life***
12:52 From: Venus
"[phone number]"
12:53 Recipient: Venus
"I love you"
12:56 Recipient: Thing 2
"Hey! What's up?"
*** And yes I also cannot belive I said something THAT lame"***
1:00 From: Venus
"Oh hold on T2 is here"
1:01 Recipient: Venus
"Are you effing kidding me?"
1:01 From: A Friend
"Are you still at [bar?]"
1:01 From: Nouns
"Where are you"
1:02 Recipient: A Friend
"No I am sitting in the middle of nowhere"
1:03 Recipient: Nouns
"sitting in the misddle of nowhere"
1:03 From: A Friend
"Are you with GP?"
1:03 Recipient: A Friend
"Yes"
1:09 From: Nouns
"You okay?"
1:27 From: Venus
"we are at [bar]"
1:45 Recipient: Venus
"Apparently I suck abd am going to bed csnt believe the level of despeation including me"
1:48 From: Thing 2
"[bar]."
1:50 Recipient: Thing 2
"Went home... Alone you missed out..."
*** Apparently when I am drunk I am God's gift to the effing human race***
1:50 From: Venus
"Your text makes little to no sense. Otherwise at [bar]"
1:52 Recipient: Venus
"I know T2 jut texted back I'm curently at home in bed edd. This shiit."
1:52 From: Thing 2
"You want to meet up?"
1:53 Recipient: Thing 2
"Do you even know who I am?"
1:55 From: Thing 2
" Are you serious?"
1:56 Recipient: Thing 2
"Are you?"
1:57 From: Thing 2
"[my name]"
1:59 Recipient: Thing 2
"Look at you! I'm ibn bed currently... but what are you doing tomorrow?"
2:14 From: Thing 2
"Meet up with us now."
2:15 Recipient: Thing 2
"Where are you I'm already in bed lame I know"
2:17 From: Thing 2
"[apartment]. At Jerry's Kid and Leasing Director's place. About to walk home. You want to meet up?"
2:19 Recipient: Thing 2
"No Chance...I've been in bed for at lest 30 ins and my bed is comfy thanks for the invite though."
2:20 From: Thing 2
"ouch."
2:25 Recipient: Thing 2
"And your vertical blinds are effing annoying but call or text tomorow we will be at our pool. "
*** Through all of this what I really can't believe is that I managed to type "I'm" every time I said it. Not Im or im or something sort of resembeling the word I was looking for. It is amazing. Ahhh to be young and free. ***
Disclaimer: This is not for the faint of heart or people who are bothered by severly misspelled words.
July 18, 2008
6:24 PM - Recipient: Lyrical Cabbage
"I am driving down the toll road and just had a vision of you knocking that table over in vegas and no can't stip laughing...Miss you!"
7:18 PM - From: Venus
"Need a nape before going out. Will call you when done. Go to [bar] or whatever without me. "
8:22 - From: A Friend
"Plans?"
9:02 - Recipient: A Friend
"Hey, GP and I are at my place getting ready to go out Venus is taking a nap (wtf...i know) we are going to the [bar] its on [street] but you are welcome to come over here first."
9:04 From: A Friend
"Haha Ok yeah I talked to [another friendd] and heard Venus was going there. I think I might end up going to their plave bc its a lil closer. But looks like ima see yall either way."
Rejection Count: 1
9:06 Recipient: Venus
"Are you awake yet whore?"
10:30 From: Venus
"Whats your status???"
10:30 Recipient: Venus
"About to heasd to the [bar] with Neighbor and co. in tow"
10:31 From: Venus
"Ok fab. Im at Bizarro's and we are about to head over there."
10:32 Recipient: Venus
"Tell Bizarro Shoulders I said hi!"
11:09 Recipient: Venus
"Just ran in to that dude who sucks in line..."
11:11 From: Venus
"We are in line outside...grrrr"
11:11 From: Venus
"Do you have a table?"
11:28 To: GP
"Where are you?"
11:32 From:GP
"Wherever you need me to be"
11:40 From: GP
"I want you I need you. Oh baby oh baby. Can we leave please?"
12:05 (or what I like to refer to as the turning point) Recipient: Venus
"We are gong? we're. Goinbg [bar] come meet."
12:06 From Venus
"Wherw are you going?"
12:06 Recipient: Venus
"That was quick...[bar]"
12:07 From: Venus
"K fab. We will finish our drinks and likely join." * Note, I did not see Venus again that night.
12:09 Recipient: Venus
"Fuck You!"
12:30 From: Venus
"Whyyyyy? How's [bar?]"
12:34 Recipient: Venus
"It sucks how is it where you are?"
12:49 Recipient: Venus
"Need Thing 2's numner help me out..."
***Venus if you are reading this you are a freaking enabler. I need to cut you out of my life***
12:52 From: Venus
"[phone number]"
12:53 Recipient: Venus
"I love you"
12:56 Recipient: Thing 2
"Hey! What's up?"
*** And yes I also cannot belive I said something THAT lame"***
1:00 From: Venus
"Oh hold on T2 is here"
1:01 Recipient: Venus
"Are you effing kidding me?"
1:01 From: A Friend
"Are you still at [bar?]"
1:01 From: Nouns
"Where are you"
1:02 Recipient: A Friend
"No I am sitting in the middle of nowhere"
1:03 Recipient: Nouns
"sitting in the misddle of nowhere"
1:03 From: A Friend
"Are you with GP?"
1:03 Recipient: A Friend
"Yes"
1:09 From: Nouns
"You okay?"
1:27 From: Venus
"we are at [bar]"
1:45 Recipient: Venus
"Apparently I suck abd am going to bed csnt believe the level of despeation including me"
1:48 From: Thing 2
"[bar]."
1:50 Recipient: Thing 2
"Went home... Alone you missed out..."
*** Apparently when I am drunk I am God's gift to the effing human race***
1:50 From: Venus
"Your text makes little to no sense. Otherwise at [bar]"
1:52 Recipient: Venus
"I know T2 jut texted back I'm curently at home in bed edd. This shiit."
1:52 From: Thing 2
"You want to meet up?"
1:53 Recipient: Thing 2
"Do you even know who I am?"
1:55 From: Thing 2
" Are you serious?"
1:56 Recipient: Thing 2
"Are you?"
1:57 From: Thing 2
"[my name]"
1:59 Recipient: Thing 2
"Look at you! I'm ibn bed currently... but what are you doing tomorrow?"
2:14 From: Thing 2
"Meet up with us now."
2:15 Recipient: Thing 2
"Where are you I'm already in bed lame I know"
2:17 From: Thing 2
"[apartment]. At Jerry's Kid and Leasing Director's place. About to walk home. You want to meet up?"
2:19 Recipient: Thing 2
"No Chance...I've been in bed for at lest 30 ins and my bed is comfy thanks for the invite though."
2:20 From: Thing 2
"ouch."
2:25 Recipient: Thing 2
"And your vertical blinds are effing annoying but call or text tomorow we will be at our pool. "
*** Through all of this what I really can't believe is that I managed to type "I'm" every time I said it. Not Im or im or something sort of resembeling the word I was looking for. It is amazing. Ahhh to be young and free. ***
Friday, July 18, 2008
Just helping stimulate the economy
If work isn't going to give me anything to do, I might as well post.
I have spent over $500 today. Impressive, I know. All from the convenience of my desk.
$165 for four tickets to see Joel McHale:
To fill everyone in, I met a guy on Tuesday night when we were out with our next door neighbor. We were at the local sports bar to drink more and catch the end of the all-star game. There happened to be a cute guy at a table near by. So just like I always try to do, we kept catching eachother looking. Eventually he waved me over. I was four margaritas in and had almost finished my first beer there, but finished it before heading over to his table for good measure. The conversation that ensued was pretty typical, what do you do, where are you from. Anyway, he got my number and I went back to the table of ONDN, Nouns and Shoulders.
So last night, Thursday, we got to texting about some stuff and we ended up getting on the phone because I was driving to the store and didn't want to text anymore. We ended up talking on the phone until 1 am. For all of you who know me, that is waayy past my bedtime. So I must have been enjoying myself to talk for that long.
We got onto the topic of what we like to watch on TV. I immediately explain that I watch a lot of E! and how I love it so. His only connection to E! is The Soup because he thinks Joel McHale is hilarious. He informed me that Joel is coming to town in August.
So what is the first thing I do when I get to work? Google Joel McHale Dallas. Sure enough he was right. And coincidentally enough the tickets went on sale at 10 am this morning and I was first in line. So I bought four tickets and we are in the first row, seats 1-4.
Shoulders and I have already discussed it and predrinking as well as flasks will be involved. And if dreams do come true Joel will point us out in the show with something like "I mean, what's up with so and so being all sober lately? I know these girls don't know what I am talking about."
$25 tickets to see Dark Knight at the IMAX
I was talking to the Joel McHale Fan this morning and telling him thanks for the info on the show. He was very impressed that I got front row seats, and he asked me what he got in return for his helpful information. So I proceeded to tell him that we could go see the new Batman movie, my treat. We figured out a day and time to go and I bought them. JMF then said he would reciprocate with Rangers tickets. So I think I got the better end of that deal, unless he's awful and I have semi-commited to two dates...
Shoulders was asking me earlier if there were any pre-date plans for this weekend. I don't particularly want there to be any. I kind of want the first time I see him again to be the movie. The reason being that when I met him, JMF was sitting down, so I have no idea how tall he is. Therefore if I see him this weekend and he's super short, screw that even moderately short, I will be stuck going to a movie with him too. I guess that makes me sound kind of pessimistic, already predisposing him to be short, but lets face it: Dallas is lacking in the tall men department. And it is necessary for me to have a tall man. So let's all hope he doesn't make the Ranger ticket purchase in the next couple of days, otherwise I will feel bad for the little guy.
$413 Wii
A Wii, you ask? Yes, I love my father very much and his birthday is coming up. He is a big kid at heart and loves video games, but we have never had a game console in the house because my Mom never wanted us wasting our time. But he is 49 so, I figure what can she do now?
But don't they only cost 249.99, you ask? Yes, but you can not, at this point in time buy just a Wii by itself. So I bought a Wii bundle with some games and a charging station and things.
What about your mom, you ask? My mom will have less time with my dad because he will be playing video games all of the time. However, her birthday is a month after my Dad's so she is getting the Wii fit attachment so she can do her yoga at home too. So don't worry, I thought about my mom too.
I have spent over $500 today. Impressive, I know. All from the convenience of my desk.
$165 for four tickets to see Joel McHale:
To fill everyone in, I met a guy on Tuesday night when we were out with our next door neighbor. We were at the local sports bar to drink more and catch the end of the all-star game. There happened to be a cute guy at a table near by. So just like I always try to do, we kept catching eachother looking. Eventually he waved me over. I was four margaritas in and had almost finished my first beer there, but finished it before heading over to his table for good measure. The conversation that ensued was pretty typical, what do you do, where are you from. Anyway, he got my number and I went back to the table of ONDN, Nouns and Shoulders.
So last night, Thursday, we got to texting about some stuff and we ended up getting on the phone because I was driving to the store and didn't want to text anymore. We ended up talking on the phone until 1 am. For all of you who know me, that is waayy past my bedtime. So I must have been enjoying myself to talk for that long.
We got onto the topic of what we like to watch on TV. I immediately explain that I watch a lot of E! and how I love it so. His only connection to E! is The Soup because he thinks Joel McHale is hilarious. He informed me that Joel is coming to town in August.
So what is the first thing I do when I get to work? Google Joel McHale Dallas. Sure enough he was right. And coincidentally enough the tickets went on sale at 10 am this morning and I was first in line. So I bought four tickets and we are in the first row, seats 1-4.
Shoulders and I have already discussed it and predrinking as well as flasks will be involved. And if dreams do come true Joel will point us out in the show with something like "I mean, what's up with so and so being all sober lately? I know these girls don't know what I am talking about."
$25 tickets to see Dark Knight at the IMAX
I was talking to the Joel McHale Fan this morning and telling him thanks for the info on the show. He was very impressed that I got front row seats, and he asked me what he got in return for his helpful information. So I proceeded to tell him that we could go see the new Batman movie, my treat. We figured out a day and time to go and I bought them. JMF then said he would reciprocate with Rangers tickets. So I think I got the better end of that deal, unless he's awful and I have semi-commited to two dates...
Shoulders was asking me earlier if there were any pre-date plans for this weekend. I don't particularly want there to be any. I kind of want the first time I see him again to be the movie. The reason being that when I met him, JMF was sitting down, so I have no idea how tall he is. Therefore if I see him this weekend and he's super short, screw that even moderately short, I will be stuck going to a movie with him too. I guess that makes me sound kind of pessimistic, already predisposing him to be short, but lets face it: Dallas is lacking in the tall men department. And it is necessary for me to have a tall man. So let's all hope he doesn't make the Ranger ticket purchase in the next couple of days, otherwise I will feel bad for the little guy.
$413 Wii
A Wii, you ask? Yes, I love my father very much and his birthday is coming up. He is a big kid at heart and loves video games, but we have never had a game console in the house because my Mom never wanted us wasting our time. But he is 49 so, I figure what can she do now?
But don't they only cost 249.99, you ask? Yes, but you can not, at this point in time buy just a Wii by itself. So I bought a Wii bundle with some games and a charging station and things.
What about your mom, you ask? My mom will have less time with my dad because he will be playing video games all of the time. However, her birthday is a month after my Dad's so she is getting the Wii fit attachment so she can do her yoga at home too. So don't worry, I thought about my mom too.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Oh I'd TOTALLY Make Out With Kevin Bacon...
I guess I don't really have any monumental new stories to tell, so if this post bores you... hey go screw yourself. That being said... I feel like I haven't really woken up all week. I've basically been sleepwalking through life until today. On Tuesday I was certain that I knew what would solve this problem. Margaritas. Copious amounts of margaritas.
GP and I set out on what I can only refer to as Boozefest 08 (and yes, I did say Tuesday). Before you judge me, bare in mind that all I do on Wednesday mornings is stand on a platform, get eyefucked by a bunch of old men (mullets optional but preferred) and push my boobs together and smile if someone is backing down from a bid (this is much less scandalous than it sounds and no, I do not work in a whorehouse in Singapore.)
Back to the booze.
We swing by Our Next Door Neighbor's apartment, who GP now works with and Nouns knows through an ex. I have had one other actual interaction with Our Next Door Neighbor and it was also the instance when I lost my flip cup virginity and he lost his iPhone. Needless to say, we are old friends now.
The place where we were planning on consuming said margaritas is mostly patio and it was raining. We are serious though, and even when the waiter tries to dissuade us from sitting outside and ordering we demand service then slam the first and demand another. Nouns had been on a date (what a bitch) and when I got a call from her at 9:45 (or as my internal clock read 2 and 1/2 margaritas) I thought... oh this is going to be good hoping for a real date horror story (like last weekend when some guy grabbed a friend of mine in the bar and told her he had "already pooped twice today").
I had been telling Our Next Door Neighbor a story and I mentioned my friend Blond Elementary age School Teacher (Don't let the name fool you, she has loud sex. I've heard it more than once.). I turn to ONDN and I say "Do you know BEAST?" he says yes that he knows her through a former room mate. I don't know this former roomie, but then he drops an intriguing bomb... his other room mate was the first guy I hooked up with after my ex-boyfriend The Grinch stole three years of my life. I also awkwardly stood by and watched this same guy hit on, oh, all of my friends while I giggled endlessly at his desperation. I responded to this information as any normal person would, by pretending that none of this ever happened and I merely met his room mate in passing.
He either fell for it or didn't only the tequila knows. Witty banter ensued and at about 3 margaritas I let the story about the strip club slip. So Our Next Door Neighbor now thinks I am a raving whore (and probably rightly so if you ask anyone but my crotch). To make matters worse I tried to explain to him that I REALLY am not a complete hussy. He tells me he is not the kind of guy that talks about his conquests, so I don't even have anything to hold over his head. Solution: "CARLOS! MAS MARGARITAS"
About this time Nouns shows up with a less than satisfactory explanation of the date. She says it was fine(ish), but there was no booze involved...which would have made me bolt immediately, but lets be honest, I never would have gotten into that situation in the first place (partly because I have never been asked on a date and look up to Cougars as role models and partly because I have this new habit where I walk in to a restaurant, up to the hostess, and say "I'll have a vodka soda" - this is often met with shock and disgust and a little bit of mumbling of..."I, uh, ok, I'll tell your waiter when you are seated in half an hour?")
OH MY GOD - I know this has nothing at all to do with this post, but I just saw a commercial for Step Up 2: The Streets, and I am not a lesbian (unless you ask my mother) but when the main girl does that chest pump move while the main guy holds his hand over her.... wow. Excuse me while I go take a cold shower.
We begin discussing awkward situations. I tell the table that the second most awkward situation I have ever been in was the night in Austin in Our Bar where three guys I had hooked up with in less than 3 months showed up. Two of them hate each other, and the other was Our Next Door Neighbor's ex-roomie. To make things less awkward I decided to apply a little social lubricant and drank more booze than nature should and did allow.
One of the 3 drove me home and as I was trying to throw all of the dirty clothes off of my bed, I preceded to vomit right in front of him. This was one of approximately 4 times in my life I have thrown up from drinking too much (as a side bar, one time, I threw up out a cab window. I was a freshman in college and a majority of the vomit was malibu and the rest was Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill, but I digress)
Nouns takes this moment to say...
Nouns: "Wait I know who two of the guys are but who was the third?"
GP: "Yeah, it was Nouns' best friend and my best friend, but who was the other."
(oh yeah, did I forget to mention that two of the guys happened to be the best friends of two of my friends?)
Me (with head on table and pointing at Our Next Door Neighbor): "HIS BEST FRIEND"
Motto of the story: Fuck that whole 3 degrees from Kevin Bacon thing. Any one's male best friend is 1 degree from me and by "1 degree" I mean about 3 vodka sodas and one sloppy make-out session. I just want to put this out in the universe now as a disclaimer... don't be upset if I make out with them (shit, just to cover my ass I'd like to include your boyfriend, your brother - and based on past transgressions your husband's brother, your priest, your dad, and your husband...oh and your poster of N*Sync, David Beckham, or someone equally appealing)
The only solution I could cook up is this...I'm thinking of hiring a babysitter for myself and taking her with me to bars. She will preferably be like the nanny on Fox's Nanny 911 and wear a cloak, speak in a British accent, and slap my hand and say "no, no young lady, this is NOT how big girls behave, now is it?" when I start to lunge toward men in bars.
This way, at least when I can't find a man I can force her to entertain me by singing "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" and yelling "God Save the Queen" and I can only imagine how we'll bond while she tells me how to curse at people using British slang. Well... that or I guess I could just drink more. Yeah, I think I'll just drink more.
GP and I set out on what I can only refer to as Boozefest 08 (and yes, I did say Tuesday). Before you judge me, bare in mind that all I do on Wednesday mornings is stand on a platform, get eyefucked by a bunch of old men (mullets optional but preferred) and push my boobs together and smile if someone is backing down from a bid (this is much less scandalous than it sounds and no, I do not work in a whorehouse in Singapore.)
Back to the booze.
We swing by Our Next Door Neighbor's apartment, who GP now works with and Nouns knows through an ex. I have had one other actual interaction with Our Next Door Neighbor and it was also the instance when I lost my flip cup virginity and he lost his iPhone. Needless to say, we are old friends now.
The place where we were planning on consuming said margaritas is mostly patio and it was raining. We are serious though, and even when the waiter tries to dissuade us from sitting outside and ordering we demand service then slam the first and demand another. Nouns had been on a date (what a bitch) and when I got a call from her at 9:45 (or as my internal clock read 2 and 1/2 margaritas) I thought... oh this is going to be good hoping for a real date horror story (like last weekend when some guy grabbed a friend of mine in the bar and told her he had "already pooped twice today").
I had been telling Our Next Door Neighbor a story and I mentioned my friend Blond Elementary age School Teacher (Don't let the name fool you, she has loud sex. I've heard it more than once.). I turn to ONDN and I say "Do you know BEAST?" he says yes that he knows her through a former room mate. I don't know this former roomie, but then he drops an intriguing bomb... his other room mate was the first guy I hooked up with after my ex-boyfriend The Grinch stole three years of my life. I also awkwardly stood by and watched this same guy hit on, oh, all of my friends while I giggled endlessly at his desperation. I responded to this information as any normal person would, by pretending that none of this ever happened and I merely met his room mate in passing.
He either fell for it or didn't only the tequila knows. Witty banter ensued and at about 3 margaritas I let the story about the strip club slip. So Our Next Door Neighbor now thinks I am a raving whore (and probably rightly so if you ask anyone but my crotch). To make matters worse I tried to explain to him that I REALLY am not a complete hussy. He tells me he is not the kind of guy that talks about his conquests, so I don't even have anything to hold over his head. Solution: "CARLOS! MAS MARGARITAS"
About this time Nouns shows up with a less than satisfactory explanation of the date. She says it was fine(ish), but there was no booze involved...which would have made me bolt immediately, but lets be honest, I never would have gotten into that situation in the first place (partly because I have never been asked on a date and look up to Cougars as role models and partly because I have this new habit where I walk in to a restaurant, up to the hostess, and say "I'll have a vodka soda" - this is often met with shock and disgust and a little bit of mumbling of..."I, uh, ok, I'll tell your waiter when you are seated in half an hour?")
OH MY GOD - I know this has nothing at all to do with this post, but I just saw a commercial for Step Up 2: The Streets, and I am not a lesbian (unless you ask my mother) but when the main girl does that chest pump move while the main guy holds his hand over her.... wow. Excuse me while I go take a cold shower.
We begin discussing awkward situations. I tell the table that the second most awkward situation I have ever been in was the night in Austin in Our Bar where three guys I had hooked up with in less than 3 months showed up. Two of them hate each other, and the other was Our Next Door Neighbor's ex-roomie. To make things less awkward I decided to apply a little social lubricant and drank more booze than nature should and did allow.
One of the 3 drove me home and as I was trying to throw all of the dirty clothes off of my bed, I preceded to vomit right in front of him. This was one of approximately 4 times in my life I have thrown up from drinking too much (as a side bar, one time, I threw up out a cab window. I was a freshman in college and a majority of the vomit was malibu and the rest was Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill, but I digress)
Nouns takes this moment to say...
Nouns: "Wait I know who two of the guys are but who was the third?"
GP: "Yeah, it was Nouns' best friend and my best friend, but who was the other."
(oh yeah, did I forget to mention that two of the guys happened to be the best friends of two of my friends?)
Me (with head on table and pointing at Our Next Door Neighbor): "HIS BEST FRIEND"
Motto of the story: Fuck that whole 3 degrees from Kevin Bacon thing. Any one's male best friend is 1 degree from me and by "1 degree" I mean about 3 vodka sodas and one sloppy make-out session. I just want to put this out in the universe now as a disclaimer... don't be upset if I make out with them (shit, just to cover my ass I'd like to include your boyfriend, your brother - and based on past transgressions your husband's brother, your priest, your dad, and your husband...oh and your poster of N*Sync, David Beckham, or someone equally appealing)
The only solution I could cook up is this...I'm thinking of hiring a babysitter for myself and taking her with me to bars. She will preferably be like the nanny on Fox's Nanny 911 and wear a cloak, speak in a British accent, and slap my hand and say "no, no young lady, this is NOT how big girls behave, now is it?" when I start to lunge toward men in bars.
This way, at least when I can't find a man I can force her to entertain me by singing "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" and yelling "God Save the Queen" and I can only imagine how we'll bond while she tells me how to curse at people using British slang. Well... that or I guess I could just drink more. Yeah, I think I'll just drink more.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
I Just Can't Get Enough
I just wanted to get a few more Scuffle conversations out there before I forgot them.
So our other intern in the office is from UT as well, but she is so cool. Especially when compared to Scuffles. We play Scrabulous together, do the crossword at lunch together. Basically we are partners in crime here in the office as well as outside too, I guess.
I showed Partner in Crime our blog so she could read what I said about Scuffles as she has a very good frame of reference working here too. This is a text conversation about Scuffles after she had read my previous post.
PIC: i have a good one for you to add tho that just happened
PIC: i walked past him and he turned away and walked the other way. i asked him what he was doing and this is what he says...
PIC: well, i don't like walking past other people in the office
PIC: me:why?
PIC: him: well, then you know you have to say hi
PIC: me: yeah...
PIC: him: well i feel like when i talk on a day to day basis, i have to kind of scream when i talk (he then demonstrates)
PIC: him: otherwise i sound like a pussy
PIC: and i don't want people to know that
Me: no way, that is too funny.
PIC: swear to god
Me: did he actually say the p word?
PIC: yeah
PIC: i don't say that
PIC: he did
PIC: good stuff
PIC just recently moved into the cube cadycorner to Scuffles and me.
Scuffles: PIC, welcome to this side of the office..What side of the building is this? West? (Pauses) Welcome to the West siiiede. KILLAS!
PIC sneezes
Scuffles and I in unison: Bless You
Me: It sounded like you were about to sneeze again
PIC: Nope.
Scuffles: You should have heard [Random Employee] when she used to be in that cube, she used to sneeze all the time.
Me: Did you just give up on saying Bless you?
Scuffles: No. I kept at it. It pretty much took up my whole workday though..
So our other intern in the office is from UT as well, but she is so cool. Especially when compared to Scuffles. We play Scrabulous together, do the crossword at lunch together. Basically we are partners in crime here in the office as well as outside too, I guess.
I showed Partner in Crime our blog so she could read what I said about Scuffles as she has a very good frame of reference working here too. This is a text conversation about Scuffles after she had read my previous post.
PIC: i have a good one for you to add tho that just happened
PIC: i walked past him and he turned away and walked the other way. i asked him what he was doing and this is what he says...
PIC: well, i don't like walking past other people in the office
PIC: me:why?
PIC: him: well, then you know you have to say hi
PIC: me: yeah...
PIC: him: well i feel like when i talk on a day to day basis, i have to kind of scream when i talk (he then demonstrates)
PIC: him: otherwise i sound like a pussy
PIC: and i don't want people to know that
Me: no way, that is too funny.
PIC: swear to god
Me: did he actually say the p word?
PIC: yeah
PIC: i don't say that
PIC: he did
PIC: good stuff
PIC just recently moved into the cube cadycorner to Scuffles and me.
Scuffles: PIC, welcome to this side of the office..What side of the building is this? West? (Pauses) Welcome to the West siiiede. KILLAS!
PIC sneezes
Scuffles and I in unison: Bless You
Me: It sounded like you were about to sneeze again
PIC: Nope.
Scuffles: You should have heard [Random Employee] when she used to be in that cube, she used to sneeze all the time.
Me: Did you just give up on saying Bless you?
Scuffles: No. I kept at it. It pretty much took up my whole workday though..
Its only bearable because its funny
We have an intern at work who is a law student at UT. He has the cube right next to me so I can hear everything he does, and he's the only one in close range that I can talk to from my desk.
Now just to make this clear and explain all of the weird things about him - he went to undergrad at A&M.
Let me describe a few of the things he does.
He gulps his drinks - the sound is obnoxious
He doesn't pick up his feet when he walks, so he scuffles every where.
He is about 5'5".
He eats four different times a day in his cube alone.
Let me give you a peek into some of our conversations
Scuffles: That's another benefit of working here..
Me: What's that?
Scuffles: Now I am learning what numbers go with which months.
Me: You what?? No way!
Scuffles: Yeah I never can remember that. How do you remember them?
Me: We've done that since grade school. Didn't you have to write the date on like every assignment you ever turned in?
Scuffles: Yeah but I just always wrote out the name of the month.
Me: Seriously?
Scuffles: Yeah, and if I did have to figure out the number I count the months out on my fingers.
Me: Wow Scuffles.
Scuffles: I can't believe you know them. Quick what's 3?
Me: March
Scuffles: 9?
Me: Septmeber
Scuffles: You're good.
Scuffles is in my cube
Scuffles: What time is it?
Me: Its like 4:45.
Scuffles: I think I am going to cut out early.
Me: Oh, have something fun going on tonight?
Scuffles: Yeah, salsa dancing lesson. I think I am getting pretty good. (Does some moves on the spot)
Me: Eating again, Scuffles?
Scuffles: Yeah. Sorry I must be the most annoying person to have a cube next to..
Me: Its okay. I just think its kind of funny.
Scuffles: I didn't used to be like this. I used to never eat. Then one day I just decided to start eating whenever I was hungry. And that ends up being all the time.
Me: Have you gained any weight since you've started doing this?
Scuffles: I don't know. I only started a week or so ago.
Me: Oh, so right when I started working here.
Scuffles: Yeah... lucky you.
Scuffles: Excuse me (he bumps into a guy in our office)
Guy: You sound hoarse.
Scuffles: I'm screaming in my head. The physical reflects the mental.
Guy just walks off
I still have a month and a half until he goes back to school. I can't wait to see what other gems come out of his mouth.
Now just to make this clear and explain all of the weird things about him - he went to undergrad at A&M.
Let me describe a few of the things he does.
He gulps his drinks - the sound is obnoxious
He doesn't pick up his feet when he walks, so he scuffles every where.
He is about 5'5".
He eats four different times a day in his cube alone.
Let me give you a peek into some of our conversations
Scuffles: That's another benefit of working here..
Me: What's that?
Scuffles: Now I am learning what numbers go with which months.
Me: You what?? No way!
Scuffles: Yeah I never can remember that. How do you remember them?
Me: We've done that since grade school. Didn't you have to write the date on like every assignment you ever turned in?
Scuffles: Yeah but I just always wrote out the name of the month.
Me: Seriously?
Scuffles: Yeah, and if I did have to figure out the number I count the months out on my fingers.
Me: Wow Scuffles.
Scuffles: I can't believe you know them. Quick what's 3?
Me: March
Scuffles: 9?
Me: Septmeber
Scuffles: You're good.
Scuffles is in my cube
Scuffles: What time is it?
Me: Its like 4:45.
Scuffles: I think I am going to cut out early.
Me: Oh, have something fun going on tonight?
Scuffles: Yeah, salsa dancing lesson. I think I am getting pretty good. (Does some moves on the spot)
Me: Eating again, Scuffles?
Scuffles: Yeah. Sorry I must be the most annoying person to have a cube next to..
Me: Its okay. I just think its kind of funny.
Scuffles: I didn't used to be like this. I used to never eat. Then one day I just decided to start eating whenever I was hungry. And that ends up being all the time.
Me: Have you gained any weight since you've started doing this?
Scuffles: I don't know. I only started a week or so ago.
Me: Oh, so right when I started working here.
Scuffles: Yeah... lucky you.
Scuffles: Excuse me (he bumps into a guy in our office)
Guy: You sound hoarse.
Scuffles: I'm screaming in my head. The physical reflects the mental.
Guy just walks off
I still have a month and a half until he goes back to school. I can't wait to see what other gems come out of his mouth.
Open Letter to Avril Lavigne's Record Label
To Whom it May Concern:
Today as I was cleaning out some boxes, I stumbled upon what appeared to be blank CDs. I felt like kickin it old school and burning myself a little mix to jam to in my car so I pop a CD-R into my laptop and make a little playlist. Just as I am about to burn my masterpiece, I discover the disc is not blank (GHASP!).
I decide to attempt to play the contents of this CD in hopes for a little walk down memory lane... possibly a memory lane lined with such poppy deliciousness as "E-Mail My Heart" by the one and only B-Spears, maybe even a little Swisher House from my 10th grade delusions of being "Gangster." False.
Instead my computer begins making a very loud noise and the disc drive begins spinning at warp speeds. In fear of destroying one of my most prized possessions I immediately lunge to open the disc drive and just as I am about to push the button I hear your client (Avril)'s nasty voice screetching out what you all would call a song. At that very instant, my computer overheats, shuts down, loses all my work, and the disc ejects.
Lucky for you I'm unemployed, so my work consists of an E-Mail to distant relatives asking for money. Therefore I am only sueing for emotional damage. Enclosed is a copy of the Disc in question. I will paiently be awaiting your check for $10,000.
Sending you warm wishes and decent taste,
Nouns.
PS: Even my piece of shit computer is capable of scouting out shitty music like Avril, maybe I can have a job?
Today as I was cleaning out some boxes, I stumbled upon what appeared to be blank CDs. I felt like kickin it old school and burning myself a little mix to jam to in my car so I pop a CD-R into my laptop and make a little playlist. Just as I am about to burn my masterpiece, I discover the disc is not blank (GHASP!).
I decide to attempt to play the contents of this CD in hopes for a little walk down memory lane... possibly a memory lane lined with such poppy deliciousness as "E-Mail My Heart" by the one and only B-Spears, maybe even a little Swisher House from my 10th grade delusions of being "Gangster." False.
Instead my computer begins making a very loud noise and the disc drive begins spinning at warp speeds. In fear of destroying one of my most prized possessions I immediately lunge to open the disc drive and just as I am about to push the button I hear your client (Avril)'s nasty voice screetching out what you all would call a song. At that very instant, my computer overheats, shuts down, loses all my work, and the disc ejects.
Lucky for you I'm unemployed, so my work consists of an E-Mail to distant relatives asking for money. Therefore I am only sueing for emotional damage. Enclosed is a copy of the Disc in question. I will paiently be awaiting your check for $10,000.
Sending you warm wishes and decent taste,
Nouns.
PS: Even my piece of shit computer is capable of scouting out shitty music like Avril, maybe I can have a job?
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Sleeping with you would be like fucking a dollar bill.
Shoulders just posted about last night while we are draped over couches and watching the ABC Family Harry Potter weekend in the living room. So I have decided to fill in the details about my night.
At the bar with amazingly strong drinks we score a table. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But I have issues with being served by a waitress....I don't get to scam on men as I frolic back and forth from the bar. But whatever, I made due. Some man tries to scam on our table. I try to call his bluff by asking him to buy our table shots. He then does. Good for him.
We then make our way to the bar around the block. Most of the rest of this is pretty hazy, but basically I find a target. His really short friend informs me that it is his brithday. So I buy the target and I a round of shots and beers. But as I am typing this I am thinking it was not really his brithday because his friends leave him with me and tell me to take care of their "very nice, single, available " friend. But I took the birthday story hook, line and sinker. So I compete with him to see who can throw more drinks back, and he buys us another round of shots and beer.
We then get on to the typical bar questions. He's in commercial real estate. Really? Every Dallas douche is in commercial real estate. I proceed to tell him this and he laughs. He agrees with my statement, but informs me that he is not the typical Dallas man. We talk about what I do, and of course he is thouroughly impressed. Who wouldn't be?
I then find out the best news of the evening. He lives in our apartment complex and he drove to the bar. Scrabble! So at about 12:30, maybe 1 we sketch off back to his place. I have no idea what car he drives or what his name is. So we can all tell where my head is at. We get to his apartment and I change into some shack wear - a fruit of the loom wife beater and adidas shorts that I am still wearing as I type this. But thats neither here nor there.
I don't know what the straw was that broke this camel's back, but I did not want to be in this guys apartment anymore. For some reason there is a wide range of drunkeness where I am very much into hooking up with men. But at my most smashed point last night I did not want to hook up with this one. So I call Nouns and tell her I need to get out of there. My words were "He was cute at the bar?" I tell her to start walking toward me and I'll walk toward her. Problem is neither of us have our clickers, so we can't use the elevators to regular floors and I am in another building. We decide to meet in the parking garage because we don't need clickers for the elevators to take us there. So I get down to P2 and start yelling for Nouns and she just starts walking toward my voice. Remember I am in shack wear, and I am carrying my dress, jewelry and bra yelling for my roommate and walking through the parking garage at 2 am. Priceless.
So now I am debating taking his clothes back, because he was a nice guy and I feel bad for leaving him on his "birthday". I have no idea what his name is, but I do remember the apartment number. I am thinking of leaving a post it on his door telling him how he can get his stuff back. But the clothes are comfy, so probably not.
At the bar with amazingly strong drinks we score a table. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But I have issues with being served by a waitress....I don't get to scam on men as I frolic back and forth from the bar. But whatever, I made due. Some man tries to scam on our table. I try to call his bluff by asking him to buy our table shots. He then does. Good for him.
We then make our way to the bar around the block. Most of the rest of this is pretty hazy, but basically I find a target. His really short friend informs me that it is his brithday. So I buy the target and I a round of shots and beers. But as I am typing this I am thinking it was not really his brithday because his friends leave him with me and tell me to take care of their "very nice, single, available " friend. But I took the birthday story hook, line and sinker. So I compete with him to see who can throw more drinks back, and he buys us another round of shots and beer.
We then get on to the typical bar questions. He's in commercial real estate. Really? Every Dallas douche is in commercial real estate. I proceed to tell him this and he laughs. He agrees with my statement, but informs me that he is not the typical Dallas man. We talk about what I do, and of course he is thouroughly impressed. Who wouldn't be?
I then find out the best news of the evening. He lives in our apartment complex and he drove to the bar. Scrabble! So at about 12:30, maybe 1 we sketch off back to his place. I have no idea what car he drives or what his name is. So we can all tell where my head is at. We get to his apartment and I change into some shack wear - a fruit of the loom wife beater and adidas shorts that I am still wearing as I type this. But thats neither here nor there.
I don't know what the straw was that broke this camel's back, but I did not want to be in this guys apartment anymore. For some reason there is a wide range of drunkeness where I am very much into hooking up with men. But at my most smashed point last night I did not want to hook up with this one. So I call Nouns and tell her I need to get out of there. My words were "He was cute at the bar?" I tell her to start walking toward me and I'll walk toward her. Problem is neither of us have our clickers, so we can't use the elevators to regular floors and I am in another building. We decide to meet in the parking garage because we don't need clickers for the elevators to take us there. So I get down to P2 and start yelling for Nouns and she just starts walking toward my voice. Remember I am in shack wear, and I am carrying my dress, jewelry and bra yelling for my roommate and walking through the parking garage at 2 am. Priceless.
So now I am debating taking his clothes back, because he was a nice guy and I feel bad for leaving him on his "birthday". I have no idea what his name is, but I do remember the apartment number. I am thinking of leaving a post it on his door telling him how he can get his stuff back. But the clothes are comfy, so probably not.
Happy Birthday America!!!
In celebration of our great country, the lot of us spent our 4th at the pool getting blitzed out of our minds on domestic beers and sangria from a jug. So needless to say, we did not make it out that night. In true lush form, we decided to rebound by going out on Saturday night and acting twice as silly.
GP and I started with a romantic lady date at Cafe Express where we split a bottle of Chardonnay. Then we decided to head to the new bar we have found that no one knows anything about except that it has "the strongest drinks." So obviously this has become one of our new favorite places to be.
GP to bartender: "we need three vodka sodas, and can you make one a double?"
Bartender: "every drink is a double here."
Me: "Then I'll have two."
I have been missing my debit card for about 2 weeks and had taken no steps to cancel or replace it. By chance I have GP ask if they have it behind the bar. They do. Hoorah! I'll drink to that. GP and I cheers to "the bride and groom, and the best bar in America."
A stranger approaches our table, I immediately turn my back and pretend to be texting because let's face it... he is strange. I turn back around to find that GP has convinced this guy to buy our table of 6 shots. I see him hand the waitress a wad of cash and turn my attention where it belongs - to the glass of straight vodka sitting in front of me. When the waitress returns with our shots she has a fist full of change and wonders where the guy went. Apparently this guy LOVES to light money on fire because he bought us shots AND THEN LEFT THE BAR.
We cheers to "the Bride and the Groom, America, and that guy". The shot tastes like it was a mix of Robutussin and Moonshine. Things are starting to get hazy and its only about 11:00.
GP has selected some target at the bar and has convinced herself that the best way to get his attention is to drink as many drinks as she can as quickly as possible. I of course do my best to keep up because everyone knows that when you are buying rounds of drinks, you are a 4 year old child if you can't keep up.
We decide to walk down the street to the same bar where we met The Cougar. GP has found a new target and as I see her take her second round of shots, I join in on Nouns' conversation with 3 dudes because I like my odds and my drink is quickly depleting. They are talking about something to do with politics. Economic policy or immigration or something of that nature. My vodka soaked brain can't handle it, so I run away and proceed to chat up every acceptable man within yelling distance. My opening line seems to be something like this:
"HEY YOU, COME HERE."
The lights come on at the bar. GP is gone, I don't have the wits about me to figure out where Nouns or our other friends are, so I just start to walk out the door. As I do this a shadowy figure appears out of nowhere and says:
Voice of an angel: "We are going to a strip club. You are coming with us!"
Me: "Jesus is that you?"
Voice of an angel: "No, I said strip club... STRIP CLUB"
I shrug my shoulders and say: "OK." and follow the man out of the bar with reckless abandon.
Turns out that the shadowy figure is not Jesus, but is indeed Thing 2 who we have been running into constantly since moving here. He frequently text messages Venus to no avail. But tonight he has decided he'd like to have my company. OK, sure, whatever there's booze involved right?
So I climb into his car and it is packed with people but within 15 minutes it is down to Thing 2 and some REALLY sketchy guy in the back seat that keeps sniffing things and me. At one point it gets really quiet and I start to giggle and I say:
"I have to tell you guys something (more giggling)... I have never been to a strip club before."
This is met with a roar of "OHMYGODWEARESOBUYINGYOULIKEFIFTYLAPDANCES."
The strip club is really far away and by the time we get there it is about 2:45 in the morning. Thing 2 pays my cover and then shows the door guy his stamp from earlier. WHAT?? That's right folks, Thing 2 and Sniffles have ALREADY been to the strip club within 24 hours. This should really disgust me, but instead I just giggle, stumble inside, and demand a beer.
The strip club was what I would imagine all strip clubs to be like. They did indeed buy me a lap dance... I was wearing a dress I borrowed from GP. GP if you are reading this, your pink dress now has herpes - sorry. At about 4 AM we head back to civilization.
We drop off Sniffles who can barely hold his head up and Thing 2 says "sorry if this is really forward, but do you want to sleep at my place?"
Me: "Sure, but I have two conditions."
T2: "OK, let's hear them."
Me: "First, I am NOT going to look good in the morning, so as long as you are OK with that we can move on."
T2: "uh, OK."
Me: "And B I am going to sleep with you but I am NOT going to sleep with you."
T2: "Right... I think I can accept your terms."
Me: "OK then we have a deal. Lead me to your lair."
He took me to his apartment where I quickly fall into a booze induced coma and he did the same. When we woke up this morning I looked in the mirror and said:
"See I told you I was not going to look good in the morning. This is awful."
T2: "We didn't have sex either, so I guess you are two for two."
Me: "Hey, my standards are low, but I stick to them."
He drove me home where I hopped out of his car and said, "Whelp, I guess I'll see ya around, because, well, I always do. Bye!" and scurried off.
When I arrived back at our apartment Nouns explained to me that she was abandoned at the bar and our other friends were kind enough to take her home. They said
"What happened to Shoulders?"
Nouns: "She went home with Thing 2."
Friends: "oh, is that the one she was talking to in the corner?"
Nouns: "Nope."
Friends: "So it was the other one?"
Nouns: "Nope, you didn't see him at all tonight, she just sketched off."
Friends: "Oh. OK."
Happy birthday America, I feel like I did you proud. I'm living the American dream kids.
GP and I started with a romantic lady date at Cafe Express where we split a bottle of Chardonnay. Then we decided to head to the new bar we have found that no one knows anything about except that it has "the strongest drinks." So obviously this has become one of our new favorite places to be.
GP to bartender: "we need three vodka sodas, and can you make one a double?"
Bartender: "every drink is a double here."
Me: "Then I'll have two."
I have been missing my debit card for about 2 weeks and had taken no steps to cancel or replace it. By chance I have GP ask if they have it behind the bar. They do. Hoorah! I'll drink to that. GP and I cheers to "the bride and groom, and the best bar in America."
A stranger approaches our table, I immediately turn my back and pretend to be texting because let's face it... he is strange. I turn back around to find that GP has convinced this guy to buy our table of 6 shots. I see him hand the waitress a wad of cash and turn my attention where it belongs - to the glass of straight vodka sitting in front of me. When the waitress returns with our shots she has a fist full of change and wonders where the guy went. Apparently this guy LOVES to light money on fire because he bought us shots AND THEN LEFT THE BAR.
We cheers to "the Bride and the Groom, America, and that guy". The shot tastes like it was a mix of Robutussin and Moonshine. Things are starting to get hazy and its only about 11:00.
GP has selected some target at the bar and has convinced herself that the best way to get his attention is to drink as many drinks as she can as quickly as possible. I of course do my best to keep up because everyone knows that when you are buying rounds of drinks, you are a 4 year old child if you can't keep up.
We decide to walk down the street to the same bar where we met The Cougar. GP has found a new target and as I see her take her second round of shots, I join in on Nouns' conversation with 3 dudes because I like my odds and my drink is quickly depleting. They are talking about something to do with politics. Economic policy or immigration or something of that nature. My vodka soaked brain can't handle it, so I run away and proceed to chat up every acceptable man within yelling distance. My opening line seems to be something like this:
"HEY YOU, COME HERE."
The lights come on at the bar. GP is gone, I don't have the wits about me to figure out where Nouns or our other friends are, so I just start to walk out the door. As I do this a shadowy figure appears out of nowhere and says:
Voice of an angel: "We are going to a strip club. You are coming with us!"
Me: "Jesus is that you?"
Voice of an angel: "No, I said strip club... STRIP CLUB"
I shrug my shoulders and say: "OK." and follow the man out of the bar with reckless abandon.
Turns out that the shadowy figure is not Jesus, but is indeed Thing 2 who we have been running into constantly since moving here. He frequently text messages Venus to no avail. But tonight he has decided he'd like to have my company. OK, sure, whatever there's booze involved right?
So I climb into his car and it is packed with people but within 15 minutes it is down to Thing 2 and some REALLY sketchy guy in the back seat that keeps sniffing things and me. At one point it gets really quiet and I start to giggle and I say:
"I have to tell you guys something (more giggling)... I have never been to a strip club before."
This is met with a roar of "OHMYGODWEARESOBUYINGYOULIKEFIFTYLAPDANCES."
The strip club is really far away and by the time we get there it is about 2:45 in the morning. Thing 2 pays my cover and then shows the door guy his stamp from earlier. WHAT?? That's right folks, Thing 2 and Sniffles have ALREADY been to the strip club within 24 hours. This should really disgust me, but instead I just giggle, stumble inside, and demand a beer.
The strip club was what I would imagine all strip clubs to be like. They did indeed buy me a lap dance... I was wearing a dress I borrowed from GP. GP if you are reading this, your pink dress now has herpes - sorry. At about 4 AM we head back to civilization.
We drop off Sniffles who can barely hold his head up and Thing 2 says "sorry if this is really forward, but do you want to sleep at my place?"
Me: "Sure, but I have two conditions."
T2: "OK, let's hear them."
Me: "First, I am NOT going to look good in the morning, so as long as you are OK with that we can move on."
T2: "uh, OK."
Me: "And B I am going to sleep with you but I am NOT going to sleep with you."
T2: "Right... I think I can accept your terms."
Me: "OK then we have a deal. Lead me to your lair."
He took me to his apartment where I quickly fall into a booze induced coma and he did the same. When we woke up this morning I looked in the mirror and said:
"See I told you I was not going to look good in the morning. This is awful."
T2: "We didn't have sex either, so I guess you are two for two."
Me: "Hey, my standards are low, but I stick to them."
He drove me home where I hopped out of his car and said, "Whelp, I guess I'll see ya around, because, well, I always do. Bye!" and scurried off.
When I arrived back at our apartment Nouns explained to me that she was abandoned at the bar and our other friends were kind enough to take her home. They said
"What happened to Shoulders?"
Nouns: "She went home with Thing 2."
Friends: "oh, is that the one she was talking to in the corner?"
Nouns: "Nope."
Friends: "So it was the other one?"
Nouns: "Nope, you didn't see him at all tonight, she just sketched off."
Friends: "Oh. OK."
Happy birthday America, I feel like I did you proud. I'm living the American dream kids.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Return of the Mack
I know you've all missed my blogging skillz, so i'm giving you a little treat. Here's a wee update on my life in the last.... month?
i hate my job and i work alot. done and done.
since work is my life, i'll tell you about some of the assclowns i encounter on a daily basis.
ASS CLOWN 1
19 years old. no education (unless you count the 2.9 gpa she graduated with from a 2A high school in bum fucking no where). thinks we are peers. ends every sentence with "i party so hard it's ridiculous, you need to come out withe me so you can see how CrAzY i am".
this bitch doesnt know who i am. clearly. i had to EXPLAIN a what a vodka soda is and shes never once had a beer. not to mention she has never shacked in 250 dollar a night hilton half a mile from her apartment with a bar owner on a tuesday. clearly we are not on the same level. ass clown 1 owned.
ASS CLOWN 2
skanky. likes to steal ed hardy from me. lets her love handles hang over her true relgions. wears lucite heels to the mall.
dumb bitch stole shit from me at work 3 times in one week. unfortunately, they dont let me tackle these retards so i depend on some other dude to do that. naturally, he's not as good as his job as i am at well... everything. so he kept letting her slip. they finally caught her strange ass stealing a 64 dollar tye dye juicy hoodie and some diamond studded hosiery. bitch please.
ASS CLOWN 3
balding. middle aged. too cheery to be both collecting social security and working the night shift at a 7-11 in one of the sketchiest parts of dallas.
after working for only an hour (i know i can't talk about it), i make a b-line to a convenience store to score booze of sorts. a 12 pack of coors light (dont judge) is a whopping 18 bucks. i make a b-line back to my car. on the way out, this dude tells me i'm not allowed in his store if i don't smile. i flash him a smart ass grin and say something along the lines of, "i'd smile if you didn't have to sell my first born for a case of coors" and sashay out the door to a bar with my partners in crime where i order a healthy meal of a side salad and 5 beers.
i hate my job and i work alot. done and done.
since work is my life, i'll tell you about some of the assclowns i encounter on a daily basis.
ASS CLOWN 1
19 years old. no education (unless you count the 2.9 gpa she graduated with from a 2A high school in bum fucking no where). thinks we are peers. ends every sentence with "i party so hard it's ridiculous, you need to come out withe me so you can see how CrAzY i am".
this bitch doesnt know who i am. clearly. i had to EXPLAIN a what a vodka soda is and shes never once had a beer. not to mention she has never shacked in 250 dollar a night hilton half a mile from her apartment with a bar owner on a tuesday. clearly we are not on the same level. ass clown 1 owned.
ASS CLOWN 2
skanky. likes to steal ed hardy from me. lets her love handles hang over her true relgions. wears lucite heels to the mall.
dumb bitch stole shit from me at work 3 times in one week. unfortunately, they dont let me tackle these retards so i depend on some other dude to do that. naturally, he's not as good as his job as i am at well... everything. so he kept letting her slip. they finally caught her strange ass stealing a 64 dollar tye dye juicy hoodie and some diamond studded hosiery. bitch please.
ASS CLOWN 3
balding. middle aged. too cheery to be both collecting social security and working the night shift at a 7-11 in one of the sketchiest parts of dallas.
after working for only an hour (i know i can't talk about it), i make a b-line to a convenience store to score booze of sorts. a 12 pack of coors light (dont judge) is a whopping 18 bucks. i make a b-line back to my car. on the way out, this dude tells me i'm not allowed in his store if i don't smile. i flash him a smart ass grin and say something along the lines of, "i'd smile if you didn't have to sell my first born for a case of coors" and sashay out the door to a bar with my partners in crime where i order a healthy meal of a side salad and 5 beers.
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