Holiday Gift Giving Guilde

T-minus 3 days until Christmas. If you're anywhere near as lazy as I am (which I doubt because I'm off the charts lazy, like so lazy sometimes I wonder if my roommate can just shower for me), you have not completed your Christmas shopping, or hell even started it. I thought I'd go ahead and compile a nice little list of gifts with which you can delight your family on Christmas morning requiring little to no effort.
1. For your far less stylish niece, give her items of clothing from your closet that no are no longer useful to you (ie: they involve dry-cleaning, ironing, or they are a size 2-- get over it, you'll never be back there again)
2. For your parents, a picture. Chances are one of them took this picture and they probably already have a copy, but maybe throw in that frame your boss gave you at the gift exchange, who cares if it says "gIrLfRiEnDs" in glitter? Its the thought that counts right??
3. For your uncle, that bottle of Skol Vodka you opened last night. Unless you've really mastered torturing your liver, there is NO way you finished the whole handle (every thrifty drunk knows it's much more cost effective to buy in bulk). To cover your tracks, fill the empty portion with water.
4. For the babies in the family (God forbid you have any yourself, I know you're not responsible enough to brush your teeth every night let alone feed a baby more than once a week), I suggest knives. I know this sounds risky, but might as well get them stared cutting the limes for your vodka soda early right? What else are babies good for except servantry?
4. Grandparents. This is where things get tricky. If you cross any sort of line you could be out of the will and let me tell you, Grandpa's decanter? You're going to want that. And his money. I would just draw them a picture. Use lots of glitter and macaroni. Hopefully they will mistake it as a gift from one of the kids in the family and be so moved by the thoughtfulness, or the bourbon, that they forget you were even there.
5. If you have a real drunk in your family (the kind of drunk like you who is also reading this list) just don't get them anything. Everyone knows they would rather be drinking cocktails watching the twinkle lights on the house across the street with rapt attention yelling "HEY IS THAT A DOG OR A REINDEER??" or "Question, are you Santa, pregnant, or just fat? If you're Santa bring me some fucking whiskey!!" at passersby.

Not Really Gone

Just wanted to let everyone know that I created a new blog for myself. Here it is. If you don't like it, I don't want to hear about it.

That is all.

Ask and You Shall Receive

Everything has been going my way today. Somedays are just like that. Usually I bitch and moan on here about things that bug me. But not today!

Woke up incredibly hungover from a night out with Our Next Door Neighbor, his roommate, Canadian Guinea Pig, her hot tall friend from Canadia, One of the Vandy Boys and his two coworkers. All I wanted to do this morning was go back to sleep. And I did. So I was 45 minutes late to work. When I got in, no one was around to see me come in then. Perfection!

Still hungover, I get to my desk thinking how much I need some coffee to make it through the day. I look down and some magical Christmas fairy had placed a starbucks giftcard on my desk! My head thanks you whoever you are. I still don't know who gave it to me.

Feeling a little better I get into my email, hoping I don't have a bunch of work to do. I have three emails from my boss, and they take 5 minutes total. Piece of cake!

We had gotten an email yesterday that today during lunch the whole office was going to be decorating the Christmas tree. Cute, sure. But I wasn't really up for it. Luckily my boss who is in hearings in Chicago called and needed a bunch of stuff done, so we worked through lunch. Got me out of mingling with coworkers. Thanks!

But then because I worked through lunch I was trying to figure out what I was going to eat now. Then I overhear that one of our other bosses just ordered pizza for the whole office. My day just kept getting better. Free lunch!

Got my pizza, and was just finishing at my desk when my thought became "Man, it would be nice to have dessert...I don't really think a granola bar from the snack bowl is going to cut it." Then I hear our receptionist heading my way, and she delivers the tiff's treats that my contact at our copy place sent me. Sugar cookies with peppermint chunks. Copy man, I love you.

Work has been pretty hectic today though, one of those days that make you think "I could use a drink." Well lucky for me, our office is having a happy hour mixer with the other company on our floor at 4:15 in our lobby. So I am totally set. I just have to make sure I can drive home to get to our party tonight. But if a cab pulls up to me as I am headed to my car after work and offers me a free ride home then I will know that today really is my lucky day.

Please don't let today be my only lucky day. If I could get a lucky weekend the 13th-15th, that would be great. Thanks.

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells

The holidays are here. You know how I know? Their events have taken over my calendar.

Tonight - Dallas Bar Construction Law Section Christmas Party. Thanks Marketing Girl at my office for not telling me about it until today, especially when it starts at 5:30. Do you think I pack a party dress in my purse? But I won't be able to go anyway because I got an email from my boss saying "I am going to be working on stuff late, and I need your help on it." So no party for me.

Tomorrow night - Tree Decorating Party at The Brothel. Shoulders and I thought about stringing popcorn to hang on the tree, but then we remembered the dogs would eat it. We thought about having people make ornamnets at the party, but then realized they would all end up looking like penises because thats what our friends do (namely one Vandy Boy).

Saturday night - Bar Crawl for Venus' Birthday organized by Venus' coworker. Not particularly a holiday party, but its cold outside, and in Texas that makes me think holiday. I will be drinking festively, and thats good enough for me.

Sunday night - Office Christmas Party. Seriously Office? A Sunday? Plan on getting no work out of me on Monday. You only have yourself to blame. Newly named Tech Guy is coming with me to the party. There will be a white elephant type gift exchange. My office is pretty unconservative, but I don't know if I can go with the 6X lace thong I took to a white elephant party last year. That may rub some of the larger coworkers the wrong way. Especially if they opened that bad boy up..how ironic would that be!

Monday night - Young Republican Christmas Party with Nouns and a friend of mine, Torchness, who used to work at my aforementioned office, and is now a fancy lawyer with an office with a window and everything. The last and first event we went to with this group was their monthly happy hour. Torchness scored a cute guy, I am hoping to acheive similar results at the Christmas Party. (Isn't that usually my mission for most things I do??) But on the fourth night of parties after three nights of heavy drinking, I don't like my chances.

Friday night - Texas Exes Board Christmas Party for which I got invited to after only having been on the board two weeks. Sweet deal. I also found out that our Christmas present is a case of beer for every member! Yeah, that's how we do it at Texas. So you know I won't be missing that party.


Robin laid an egg...

A Little Trip Down Memory Lane

Here is some dumb shit I did as a child and totally forgot about until my mother was so kind as to bring it all up in front of the entire family.

-1986 I was born. On accident. This is something she'll never let me forget. Every now and then she says "I only had one child because I got it right the first time" but that is a lie. She only had one because she meant to have none and OOPS!

-1989 I put pennies in an electrical socket because my nightlight stopped working. I thought if i paid the socket it would work for me. Instead it singed my eyebrows, broke up the party my mom was attempting to have downstairs, and prompted the fire department's first visit to our house on my behalf.

-1990 Stole every goodie bag from the birthday party of a neighborhood kid I didn't like by stuffing them all in a knee brace and running. Fast. Fortunately, her parents didn't press Grand Theft charges. Unfortuantely, I didn't get to keep any of my loot.

-1992 I tried to stab my piano teacher. I know this sounds violent, but hear me out. It was with a plastic spoon and she was trying to slip me pills that would "make my fingers limber" by hiding them in a snickers bar. She threatened to press charges against my parents (I guess I drew blood when I bit her finger, my bad.)

-1993 I caught the bathroom on fire by trying to "put out the candles like they do at church" except with paper cups. Trip number 2 from the fire department.

-1994 I called my Grandma to tell on my mom for saying "Shit." This same year I also gave the cat a bath and tried to put her in the dryer.

-1995 I called my stepdad a bastard at the dinner table. In front of his parents. The first time we met them.

-1996 I refused to move off the boys baseball team. Other parents were very mean to my parents and threatened them. Apparently, I was not very good.

-1998 I put a frozen burrito in the microwave for 20 minutes instead of 2. Then I went swimming. Both things I was not allowed to do when my parents weren't home. The fire department was alerted (for the third time) and our house smelled AWFUL for about 6 months.

-1999 I quit school. I decided I was way to fucking smart for those people so I quit going. This lasted for 6 weeks until the district threatened legal action on my parents.

I have done MANY MANY more stupid things, however she quit paying attention to me when I could make my own macaroni and cheese and we moved to house where I could walk to school.

To the Gorgeous Man on the 39th Floor

I saw you two consecutive mornings last week. You are gorgeous, and both of those days were better for having shared 15 seconds in the elevator with you. I vowed that if I saw you again I would tell you that I want to make out with your face and you would instantly realize that you would like me to have your babies.
Well, coming back from lunch, there you were standing in our elevator bank. However, I was with Stand Up Sid and a recruit, and you were with 5 other coworkers. So I didn't feel that I could profess my love for you in an elevator packed with seven other men.
Hopefully, some day soon, we can ride the elevator alone. Let's hope we don't have security cameras in our elevators because I don't think I will be able to contain myself.
Here's Hoping,
Your Schoolgirl Crush on the 36th Floor

Actual Text Message From My Acutal Inbox

November 14, 2008 3:25:20 AM

Please foot forget to call of u endu of here taking granandes.

employee of the month.

this morning someone brought by a card for me to sign for a co-worker's birthday. just as i finished writing, "51 huh? you're closer to 100 than you are to birth -nouns", i spill a whole fucking nalgene of water (and $0.25 ice) on my keyboard. awesome.
for the following two hours my keyboard just keeps typing random shit... mainly one certain letter. naturally, i try to pry that key off and clean underneath it. i finally get the key off, get the keyboard to work and get back to my real job (gchatting) when i realize... I RENDERED THAT KEY USELESS.

now i have no "ecks" key. and all i want to do is say words like: ne_t, e_pendable, and fi_.

UPDATE: said coworker chose to go to chipotle for her big bday lunch. CHIPOTLE. not only is that a FAST FOOD ESTABLISHMENT, but it is IN MY BUILDING. that is where i go when i'm feeling like a lazy shit and forgot my lunch. GAAAHHH

'04 and '05 were good years

It has been a week since the last time I saw my camera. I have come to the sad conclusion that it is lost forever. I got to thinking about what bad luck I have with things of value. Here is a list of my shortcomings.

Senior Prom, lost camera - drinking

Spring Break '06, lost diamond earrings - black out drunk

Halloween '07 6th street, lost wallet - drunk

April '08 6th street, lost iPhone - drunk

May '08 river trip, water logged camera - drinking

August '08 Pineapple Express, lost wallet - drunk

August '08 Wedding, camera dropped in Margarita - drinking

October '08 Maverick's game, lost camera - drinking

Not once have I lost something valuable sober. Huh, imagine that. Whelp, its off to buy another camera. I am thinking about purchasing some BestBuy stock to make some money off the business I give them. Because I am sure I won't be able to stop my camera cycle anytime soon, mainly because I don't plan on stopping drinking anytime soon.

Current Mood

Annoyed. Is it necessary to YELL (in what you consider a "funny" accent) WHILE YOU ARE ON THE PHONE WITH SOMEONE 2 CUBICLES AWAY?!?

ps: Watch Out Friends's new name is: Tech Guy, the name I gave him when we originally met, plus hes the only Texas Tech fan in the Urban Fam so it fits.

You are welcome.

Truth in Latin

Stand Up Sid might just be good for something after all!

Our company has an outing next Friday. During the day we get to choose a round of golf or spa day. Then that night we have a cocktail hour and dinner at the House of Blues. To the later portion of the evening we get to bring a spouse/date/guest.

Mr. Wonderful was supposed to be my date...at least that was the plan. His friend bought him a plane ticket to St. Louis for the same weekend, which landed me dateless.

I am pretty good at turning a negative into a positive. I decided this would be a chance for me to take a new boy out.

I thought about bringing Ball Boy. I met him at the pool over the summer, and saw him again at the Strong Drinks Bar a few weekends back. Free booze and a good dinner, what boy would turn that down? But then I realized my choice in date reflects on me to my whole company, and I don't know how confident I am in his social behaviors.

I then turned to Stand Up Sid. He had a barbeque a few months back where I met an attractive friend of his who is up here in Dental School. I don't think I talked to him at all at the barbque; we left pretty early to go out to have dinner at Shoulders' Aunt's house. But that didn't stop me from asking SUS to see if The Dentist would come as my date to our company outing. It makes it easier too that he knows SUS so he won't feel completely out of place at the dinner.

Supposedly Dental school is really hard and they study 6 days a week. Which is so twisted. I can't imagine doing any sort of studying right now. SUS has called him to see if he would be willing to use his one night off a week on me. We are supposed to get the verdict today.

Wednesday's Morsel of Wisdom

If you avoid looking at your bank account and bills for over month, you will forget to pay rent and be over due on your car and credit card payments.

15 minutes!

Another thing I did today is google what the PJ I named my PJ after stands for.

Penelope Jane.

It isn't horrible, and at least now I have two different answer choices to give when faced with the question "What does your dog's name stand for?"

I still like "Paula Jabdul" for my answer, but it will be nice to have a back up.

36 minutes!

The day started off busy with two calls from my boss who is in Chicago with the lawyers before I had even gotten into the office. It was a little unnerving, but we got through it. It only took us about two hours to handle what he needed.


Then I found out that the other case I had been working on settled. This was a curse and a blessing. I was glad I didn't have to look at the plans more than the 13 hours I already had, but that was the only project on my agenda. So I was left with nothing to do.

Here is how I have spent my large number of unbillable hours so far today....


Checking Perez every 5-10 minutes for new posts.
Checking D-Listed every 15-20 minutes.
Playing Scrabble on Facebook with a coworker of mine who's last day is today, so after she leaves I really will be in desperate need of work.
Reading Overheardinnewyork.com (today are the Wednesday One Liners, my favorite)
Facebook stalking.
Texting HD.
Myspace stalking my half brothers.
Counting down the minutes until a Smoothie King break at 3:45. (Its Double Stamp Thursday)
Getting my work email on my iPhone - because obviously I get sooo much work email...
Figuring out when and where Drummer is playing next.
Clicking to my work email anytime anyone walks by my cube so that it looks like I am "working."

So all in a very exciting day.

Get Your Grades Up.

This weekend I made a brave trip to Lubbock, Texas with Watch Out Friends (who has put in a request for a name change that I'm still working on) and Boat Party. It was pretty much everything I expected (flat, dusty, and full of drunks, myself included).

Here are some highlights from our trip:
-Boat Party learned that there are few sins greater than chugging my only Boone's Farm Fuzzy Navel while I painstakingly make a 6 hour drive (yes, I got conned into driving)

-I did not go to sleep sober or before 4:30 AM the entire trip.

-Friday morning at breakfast, some kind gentleman gave our table $50 because Boat Party and I were wearing burnt orange.

-Halloween was a very long night that ended with Boat Party wandering around "downtown" (if you can call it that) Lubbock crying in a nurse costume with no cell phone.

-I spent all morning listening to 5 guys talk about "I did this to this slut" and "Let me describe LemmonParty.com/Goatsee.com/Meatspin.com/Two Girls One Cup in great detail" but when Boat Party asked for a band aid because she had a blister, Watch Out Friends decided that was WAY too disgusting to talk about.

-I made the mistake of introducing the Lubbock-ians to the concept of Party Butt.

-I lost a bet on the UT football game that involved me taking 5 shots of vodka. Luckily, Watch Out Friends either has a really big heart or really didn't want to put up with drunk Nouns (I'll go with the latter) and let me off with 3.

-Some dude in a bar with no affiliation with UT, Tech, or Lubbock used "How do you feel about the JFK assassination?" as a pick up line and then licked my face when I said "Nobama Nobama Nobama". We are now engaged.

-After what can only be described as 10 hours of binge drinking (God bless Daylight Savings Time), I tell Boat Party she is too drunk to drive my car, offend the living shit out of her, and hand my keys to the drunkest person in the room so that he can drive my car 90mph in a 30 while I scream "PULL OVER! STOP THE CAR!" at the top of my lungs. (I think that guy hates me now).

-Somehow even though 6 people came home with us I wake up to find it is only me and Boat Party. All of the Lubbock-ians somehow magically got home and Watch Out Friends disappeared and shacked up at some undisclosed location.

-Watch Out Friends left his esophagus somewhere in Lubbock.

-I came home with what must be Tuberculosis so I can't stop coughing and last night I had the worst NyQuil Nightmare involving the loss of my teeth, dead Urban Family members, and a lack of ketchup.

Needless to say the trip was sheer entertainment and my liver is on strike for at least a week.

False Advertising.

I sat down today to enjoy my Campbell's Select Harvest Southwestern Veggie Soup and found nothing but disappointment. While the label shows a spoon full of corn and black beans and tomatoes, my can contained about 2 corn kernels, 5 black beans and about 1,600 effing carrots.

Answers to Noun's Little Questions

1. Because people don't like to be fat alone. That person is looking for a partner in next season's biggest loser, and it looks like they are trying to make it be you.

2. He knows the client is into that sort of thing. Don't worry he's a professional.

3. The person from #1.

4. Its never inappropriate to wear a chicken costume for Halloween, some just aren't ready for you yet.

5. No.

6. Take that back. If not, maybe its because I have become a mother?

7. Because you are too easily persueded, which is why #1.

8. Because you have to get ready at 7 am, and have the largest bladder in the world so you didn't have to pee until 2 pm.

9. No, you're not a terrible person. Go ahead and take him. I think Mr. Wonderful's dog needs to go to a more appropriate owner, ie anything without a penis.

10. There is no good reason for iTunes to do that to you. Don't they realize how crappy car trips are all alone in the backseat?

11. You stumped me on that one, none of my friends have boyfriends, and that's how I like it. Jerk-face is not really an insult.

Life's Little Questions

1. Why is that when I bring a healthy feast for lunch some ill intentioned person offers me free french fries?

2. Why did someone in my office just say to a big client "let me put my hand up my butt..."?

3. Who put a candy bowl next to my desk?

4. When did it become "inappropriate" for me to wear a giant furry chicken costume for Halloween?

5. Is it 4:30 yet?

6. When did Guinea Pig get so sappy?

7. Why am I going to Lubbock this weekend instead of watching UT dominate Tech from the comfort of my bed or local bar?

8. Why did it take me until 2 pm to notice the pants I wore to work today are not only missing A button but THE button?

9. Am I a terrible person for plotting ways to steal Frankie's's (seriously, how does the punctuation on that mess work?) new fluff ball puppy? (and yes, I call "Mr. Wonderful" Frankie's and will continue to do so)

10. Is there a good reason for iTunes not offering "Stanky Legg" by G Spot Boyz? Because iReally need it on my iPod for the horrifying trip to Lubbock tonight.

11. Why do single girls always talk mad shit about their friends' boyfriends? And is jerk-face REALLY an insult?

Good morning!

This morning at 2:45 am I got a little surprise...

A drunk dial from drummer! He knows I now live in Dallas, and there was no chance I was going to drive three hours for a late night hang out. He just wanted to chat; how sweet.

When I answered, I didn't have a chance to disguise my sleepy voice to feign alertness. I got a little reality check when I realized that he is still living the fun carefree life, while I am engrossed in the corporate world. But then I remembered I am making a lot more money than an unknown drummer, so I am okay with it. Money is all that matters right?

Good thing Mr. Wonderful didn't stay over last night, and instead went home after everyone came over to have postkickball game drinks like the old tired man that he is. Otherwise that middle of the night phone call could have been kind of awkward for him.

Wishful Thinking

I would love to blog about my strange coworkers, but I can't for fear that I get fired like Dooce.

Maternity Test

I grew up in a divorced family as an only child where my mom's parents are uber conservative Presbyterians, my dad's parents are Catholics with 12 children and 47 grandchildren, and my step dad's parents are the epitome of backwoods east Texas. Needless to say I never really fit in. However, my mom likes to send me little daily reminders that there is pretty much no way we're blood related, or that she is the woman who raised me.

At about 5am a few days ago my cell phone goes off. I clumsily roll over to see what anyone could possibly be thinking contacting me at this hour, and it's an email from my mother. There is a link to a YouTube video. She sends these pretty often, sometimes they are conservative rants about illegal immigration, sometimes they are music videos (usually Nelly or Nickleback). This one happens to be 3 full minutes of some awful instrumental song and a video that appears to be a from camera she put on a tripod in front of the dog's cage yesterday. Riveting, let me tell you.

I scroll down a little further to find a note:

Here are some highlights from [dog 4 of 5]'s day. Due to the puppies, I won't be able to make it to Austin for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I talked to [grandma] about having Christmas in Houston instead. My wish list is attached, pass it on to her.
L,
Mom

Her list is an Excel spreadsheet that lists:
-Dress Barn Gift Card
-New Treadmill for Emily
-See last year's list

First, there is no need for a spreadsheet of 3 items. Second, Emily is not my overweight sister, she is my dog who at some point will have to have her back legs replaced with wheels. Third, Dress Barn?! There is no way we're related.

Someone is DEFINITELY trying to poison me.

Despite having toted a can of soup with me to work today, I went out for lunch. I had a pretty big craving for Chipotle (it's the crack rice, I swear) and I'm having a bad day, so I gave in. I'm sitting at my desk, waiting on my teleconference to start, enjoying a delicious burrito bol when it happened.

I take my third bite of awesomeness and its a huge fucking chunk of salt. SICK. I dig around in my food a little to see if there is more. Luckily it looks safe. The fourth bite commences. No salt chunks. SWEET!

Around bite 14, there's another fucking salt chunk! I freak out, throw away the remainder of my meal, decide someone has put cyanide in my lunch and vow never to eat Chipotle again.

Well played sabotager. Well played.

Where's the wizard when you need him?

Mr. Wonderful had been out of town for four or five days for a funeral and got back in town yesterday.

I had some stuff to get done after work, but later that evening we hung out and caught up on some of our shows.

We had watched them at his house, and luckily his dog wasn't there to whine all night and keep me up. So I stayed over.

We were laying in bed with my head on his chest about to go to sleep. And I knew this was it. I have been wanting to figure out where we stand, and this was my time to ask him. I went over what I was going to say in my head trying to figure out how I was going to word it without seeming overly committed, but still making sure what I wanted would come across.

Last night, this is what I came up with in my head...

A few months ago, when this all started, we talked about how you had just gotten out of a serious relationship, and you had said how you wanted things to stay at the level they were at then. Its been two months or so now, and I just wanted to see where your head was at with everything. Like, for example, are we still dating other people?

And then he would reply with whatever he was thinking and I would finally know what was going on.

Once I had all of this semi set up in my head I heard his breathing get deeper. Shit.

"Are you asleep?"
"No."

Okay, I take a deep breath. Thank goodness he hadn't fallen asleep yet, I really wanted to get this off my chest. Then I think the falling asleep thing must have caught me off guard. And I ran through what I was going to say again. Then one more time to make sure I had all of my inflections at the right syllables, and then I hear Mr. Wonderful snore. Double shit.

I can't wake him up in order to have a relationship conversation when I was laying there for at least 5 minutes with him awake and said nothing.

So I totally blew it. Now I am going out of town tomorrow and I don't know if I will be able to see Mr. Wonderful before I leave. So its going to have to be another week before I can figure out what the hell is going on with us, because I don't want to do it over the phone.

I have no idea what my problem is. I can call dibs on a man who walks through the door of the bar and make it happen. I can make eyes at a guy across the bar and end up dating him. But when it comes to having an actual talk about relationship stuff, I can't do it. I am the most confident person in the world, except for when I have to take that first leap into defining a relationship.

How DID she know??

I spent last week in what can only be described as the WORST CLASS EVER. Why you ask? 1. It was a prep class for an insurance licensing test (I do not NEED an insurance license to perform my job functions, however my job requires it) 2. My instructor kept saying "NUMBER b." as we were going through the outline when it is pretty effing clear that b is a LETTER. 3. I was sick and therefore a ball of grouch.

I survived the 30 hours of torture (mostly because there was a very attractive man with whom I had lunch with everyday) and somehow passed the test, thus giving me a Series 14-59 and proving my theory that I am nothing short of kick-ass at standardized tests.

Anywho, when I got to the office today I brought in some celebratory kolaches to find that 3 of my 4 co-workers are on vacation and that one of them left a sack of potatoes (which unbeknownst to her is my favorite food) and a note on my desk.

"Nouns- Congratulations, I got your email that you passed the test! Can't wait to have you back in the office. Here are some sweet potatoes."

I'm not complaining about the potatoes, the are awesome! I'm just slightly confused about the connection??

Puppy Surprise

Mr. Wonderful got a dog this past weekend. He is a 26 year old male living by himself, who does triathlons and played lacrosse in college. For a man like this, you would expect some big tough dog like a German Shepherd or something that at least would be able to hold its own in a fight.

But no, what does Mr. Wonderful get? A Yorkie. A two month old Yorkie boy puppy. Those dogs are supposed to be purse puppies.

Well I had my doubts about this little thing, obviously. But I got to meet the little fur ball (literally, that's all he is) last night, and he is precious. To watch the puppy and Mr. Wonderful interact was a million times cuter than how weird and awkward I thought it was going to be. We were curled up on the couch watching one of our TV shows last night, and the little one fell asleep on Mr. Wonderful's chest.

But then all of the cuteness was stripped away when the poor thing whined all night. I am such a light sleeper, so it was brutal to hear the poor thing whimpering in his kennel area in the kitchen. Mr. Wonderful and I were spooned up and he tried to help me cover my ears so I could fall asleep. It didn't really work, but eventually the whining stopped and I fell asleep....That is until it started again.

I was just about to get up and go back home and salvage what sleep I could, but realized that it would probably hurt Mr. Wonderful's feelings. So I threw a pillow over my head and tried to fall back asleep. The next time I woke up, I was surprised to hear silence. Then I look over at Mr. Wonderful's side of the bed, and realized he wasn't there.

It seemed Mr. Wonderful had given in and gone to appease the puppy with his presence for a bit. But he never came back to bed.

My alarm goes off super early so I can get up to go home and take my dog out. I throw on my clothes, and go out to the living room where I see Mr. Wonderful asleep on the couch with the puppy asleep on his stomach.

I crouch down to kiss him good morning/goodbye and whisper, "You softie!"
He wakes up and tells me, "No, I came out here to sleep with the puppy so you could get some sleep. I know you're a light sleeper."

I was a little caught off guard by that. He is way too sweet. Whenever I start to doubt him and me, and whether or not he still wants to be a him and me, he completely surprises me. As it turns out, I am kind of glad for the whining puppy. He gave Mr. Wonderful an opportunity to show me that he cares.

Why Allergens Can Suck It

Dear Allergens,

You may think you are clever, making my life hell for two weeks while I slowly lost my will to go on living.

You may have ruined my weekend, causing me to spend 48 hours in a horizontal position celebrating no more than 20 consecutive minutes of consciousness while all of my friends enjoyed an allergen-free weekend of debauchery.

You may even have caused me, in a moment of sheer weakness, to call my mother and ask for advice - a grave mistake ending in an hour long conversation about the perils of my lifestlye and my black, black soul.

BUT I FIT INTO MY JEANS AGAIN BECAUSE YOU KEPT ME FROM EATING MORE THAN TWO BITES OF ANYTHING FOR TWO WEEKS SO

SUCK

IT

ALLERGENS.

No Love,

Shoulders

Winner Winner

Not 5 minutes after my previous post, a daily email I subscribe to that talks about places around Dallas to eat, shop, go out and stuff sent me an email about where to go and what to do in Vegas.

I'm going to take that as a sign. Vegas, I will see you in two months!

Danny Gans 5

I haven't been feeling completely whole lately. I originally thought it was me missing home, but I have been back a few times since leaving, so I don't think that is really it.

But I got to thinking, and I really feel that what is missing in my life is Vegas.

We went in January of this year, and then again in April. I think my body was starting to get into a routine. It needs a Vegas jolt every three months, I have decided. And my last dose was due back in July.

So I have made some tentative plans with Vandy for either mid December or January. I really need at least one of these trips to come to fruition. If Vandy backs out, for my own sake I may have to just go by myself. You don't need another person to play craps. I mean, winning $700 at craps with your friends is a little more satisfying, but at this point I am desperate and will have to take what I can get.

Nouns thinks she may be able to swing the January trip. That would be awesome. If it were her, Vandy and me it would be our one year anniversary of the trip from last year. And that was a great trip.

Anyone want to take a day trip to the Indian casino a state away? Maybe that will hold off my withdrawls until December...

overheard in my office

-"quit being such a titty-baby"

-"maybe after your son comes home from his tour of duty he'll bring home one-a-them middle eastern brides" "i hope not, he's only 20!" "don't matter you won't see her cuz a that scarf they wear"

-"one of our clients is coming in from oklahoma on friday. nouns, you should take them out, i think you should date him. you could stand to get some."

- "[blah blah blah] COLONOSCOPY [blah blah blah]"

-"it IS pretty cold in here, at least thats what nouns' thermometers say"

- man: "your boobs don't look right in that bra. here, let me help you."

-"no your son shouldn't marry a middle easter woman, HE SHOULD MARRY NOUNS!"

considering these are direct quotes from the "professionals" i share an office building with on a single day, maybe we should consider getting an HR department?

uncalled for.

half a sleeve of saltines with my one bowl of soup? ridiculous.

I want my 9 minutes of sleep back

One of the Vandy boys came over to the Brothel last night, plopped down on the couch, and asks "What's up with you and Mr. Wonderful?"
Way to cut right to the chase. However, if I knew, I would have answered him. Mr. Wonderful made his first appearance on the blog back in mid-July. It is now October, and I am still clueless as to where we stand.
We had a talk (initiated by him) at the three week mark or so, where he informed me that because he had just gotten out of a serious relationship, he needed some time before getting back into a new relationship (when we met she was still in the process of moving out of their apartment, and boxes were still there the first time I went over there). So he said that what we couldn't progress past the point we were at, at least for the time being.
Well, it's two months later, and I feel like we are closer than we were at the three week mark, but I haven't had the balls to ask him about it.
Anyway, that was more of just an update and background for the next part of the story that happened this morning.
Crap. Another background type thing. So the other day I was at the dealership waiting on my car, and I decided to go through my pictures in my phone and choose pictures for for my friends' profiles to show up when they call. I probably did about 10-15 people. For Mr. Wonderful's I put a picture of me and him. Aww, so cute. Whatever. I also changed my background on my phone. It is a picture of Shoulders and me, from the same night as the picture I put of Mr. Wonderful and me on his profile.
So at 6:45 when my alarm on my phone went off this morning, Mr. Wonderful reached over to the nightstand (its on his side of the bed) to hand me my phone. I saw him do a double take at my phone. And my heart sank. I only saw part of the background picture and for some reason (it was early) I thought I had inadvertently put the picture of him and me as my background. So for my whole 9 minute snooze I just lay there wide awake trying to figure out how to play it off. Because what normal 26 year old guy, who is "just dating" a girl wants to see a coupley picture of them on the background on her phone? None.
I couldn't believe, later when I checked my phone background, that I had doubted myself. I am not the super mushy girl who gives the guy in her life a love song ringtone, or writes his name as her last name when she doodles. So I have no idea what the double take was for, I could have been imagining things. But atleast it wasn't because he got spooked.
So anyway, the talk will happen when it needs to. I am fine with just letting things play out, for now.

If at first you don't succeed...

Friday night Shoulders and I did some rollerblading and then went and caught a moive. We didn't really want a big night out, but Mr. Wonderdul happened to be out with some of his friends karaokeing. So we went and met up with them around 11:30.

Mr. Wonderful was doing his thing as usual. Being the life of the party. He sang some Justin Timberlake and bounced around all over the bar. That kid has more energy that an 8 week old lab. Which is like the cutest thing ever.

Shoulders was determined to stay sober, which I commend her for, and no matter how many attempts I made to send a drink her way, she turned me down. I however, somehow made it my mission to get wasted as quickly as possible. I ran up a $70 bar tab by the time we left only an hour and a half after arriving.

Initally, Mr. Wonderful and I were planning on going back to his place to sleep, so I gave my clicker and house key to Shoulders to go home with so she could get in.

Mr. Wonderful and I hop into his car and somehow we end up at my apartment. No idea when we changed our minds, but whatever. So now we have to wait for Shoulders to walk home from the bar bc she has my keys and thus the only way for us to get in.

So what do we decide to do while we wait? Talk about our hopes and dreams? Nah. Thumb wrestle? No way! Have sex at the front of his car? Yep. That is until people come in the garage and I quickly pull up my jeans and run over to the elevator so we can at least use their clicker to get to our floor.

As we are walking down our long "The Shining" like hallway Mr. Wonderful gets the genius idea to close the door that splits the hallway in half, that way we will be able to tell when Shoulders is coming. Basically a warning bc he knew when left with nothing to do, standing in the doorway of my apartment, we would get back to where we had left off at the front of his car.

We do, but I guess we didn't hear Shoulders open the door bc we didn't disengage until she called out to us, unlocked the door and quickly moved past us into the apartment. Oops - Shoulders was sober.

I guess at that stage in the evening I couldn't be bothered by much. We had made it inside, which was the goal, so yeah.

We finally made it to a bed to finish what we had started in front of the car, and at the doorway, and then according to Mr. Wonderful I passed out in the bed next to him. The next thing I know, I wake up naked on the dining room floor with a couch throw pillow under my head.

Anyone?
Yeah, me neither.

I have no idea how I got there or why I was there. But I hopped up and crawled into bed with Mr. Wonderful who rolled over to spoon with me like I had been there the whole time. Which is why he is so wonderful.

Needless to say, it was a very eventful night. Mostly fueled by the power hour and a half I seemed to have played with myself.

It weird though, some people might be ashamed of those type of transgressions. But I just think they are funny and use them to brighten people's days just a little bit. So I hope it did for you.

Nudie Magazine Day?

I always think of that line from Billy Madison when I think of October. Anywho...

Today is the Day of Birth of These Shoulders Don't Lie. In celebration, I drank at Next Door Neighbors until 1 am while she peacefully slept (read: confused herself texting two people while drunk).

When I left for work this morning she was wearing her birthday boots (the she "wears every year on her birthday") and I'm really looking forward to a repeat of last year's celebration at Campus Bar, because that ended well.

To be continued...

The other title was too unPC.

Just as an FYI, I am wearing my "where did you get that dress?" Vegas dress. Things should get quite interesting tonight. I can promise that.

All of us girls who went out last night stayed with a different man.

In nouns' defense it was on WOF's couch. And in Boat Party's her and one of the Vandy Boys both slept in all of their clothes.

But Shoulders and I, well we have no defense besides booze. But I have never needed an excuse for anything I have done. So there you go.

The white party is getting started. If you read this and you aren't coming. Sucks for you. You are going to miss an amazing evening. Losers.

breath of fresh mess

last night was somehoe (typo, i'm leaving it) simultaneously the classiest and unclassiest night of my life.

after night of drinking at our usual spots, i decide i want to go to a strip club. i'm under the disillusion that everyone is coming until i pay 53 bucks for a cab ride and find out its just me watch out friends and the photographer. i paid another 25 to get in i dont REALLY know what happened inside, but here's what i can piece together.

1. a stripper stole my diet coke forcing me to pay 18 bucks for a replacement.
2. a stripper not only licked my boobs, but got her lady juices on my very expensive birthdress and slapped me when i asked why she had a bandana covering her face
3. i walked (without falling, i think) to watch out friends' apt bc i apparently dont travel with keys
4. i did NOT hook up with watch out friends (miraculous, i know)
5. watch out friends' roommate found me on the couch and the only sentence i could muster was "a stripper licked me, i'm walking home"
5. i walked home barefoot in my lady juice covered birthdress through a fucking festival AND a concert

my mom and grandparents are about 25 minutes away from my apartment, i'm kind of hoping they don't smell my lack of dignity.

Carosel of a day

Friday was full of ups and downs.

Down - woke up incredibly hungover from our company supported booze fest the night before. We had no milk, I really really need to go to the grocery store, so I ate a PB and J.

Up - No one was in the office all morning, so I didn't have to deal with anyone while my head pounded.

Down - Stand up Sid rolled in at 10:30.

Up - Went and got greasy Mexican food for lunch.

Down - Ate way too much.

Up - Got back to the office and my boss told me the big job we have been working on is going into mediation and it may settle. Which means the whole case from hell might vanish.

Down - A coworker comes by and tells me that there's no way in hell this thing will actually settle.

Up - Stand Up Sid finally got what was coming to him. Now he is on the boss' shit list. And I love it.

Down - Still had a pounding headache.

Up - Called the woman who does my nails and she fit me in for a pedicure after work.

Down - Got a parking ticket while I was receiving that pedicure.

Up - Finally getting to enjoy a weekend with my friends in Dallas!

three strikes and you're out

last night boat party "talked" me into going to a hockey game with some dude she met at a bar and his friend. clearly i agreed, it sounded like there might be free booze involved. then i realized (slash everyone informed me) that i was really going on a blind double date. YIPES

after the first period we go to get beers. i order a beer and boat party's 'date' pays for it? (i tried to give him cash but i'm pretty sure the wadded up ones in the bottom of my purse gave him the impression i use food stamps.) anyways the lady rings him up for 3 beers and some chicken tenders. no one ordered chicken. i lean over to boat party and our 'dates' and say "wow do you have to be retarded to work here?" judging by the looks on their faces these two are either the co-founders of best buddies or have a sibling in the paralympics. strike one.

aside from that, things were going pretty well until.....
my 'date' asks "did you meet [insert generic male name] this weekend?" blank stare... i repeat the name a few times and then he points to the guy sitting next to boat party. FUCK. strike two.

then he caught a glimpse of a text message i sent to watch out friends. it says "yea i'm kinda disappointed we didn't make it on the kiss cam considering i'm already picking out our kids' names." i cant really tell if my 'date' thinks i really want to have kids with him, or i really don't want to be sitting next to him, either way he can't be feeling good. strike three. i am out.

ps: on an unrelated rant, today is my birthday and one of my lovely co-workers bought me a cake... however some OTHER lady in our office is under the impression that it is her cake. despite it saying "happy birthday [nouns]" on it she just marched into my office (read tiny cubicle) and said "i'm about to cut my birthday cake, do you want some?" bitch.

i know the economy is in bad shape... but?

my mom has completely lost it. shes driving up to dallas this weekend for my birthday and just sent me the following email:

I was looking to see if one of the angel food ministries was near you b/c they only open 1 sat a month…this sat. If there is one near you, maybe I (and you if you like) can get some food from them. It would be a shot in the dark, as you have to pre-order, but if they have leftovers they sell them to whoever is there wanting some. I attached the Sept menu…can you believe how much stuff you get for $30???

ummm hi mom, you are attempting to abuse a system meant for i don't know... REAL POOR PEOPLE!!! if she's actually trying to get me to stand in line at a food bank on a saturday after i make her pay for an expensive brunch with bottomless mimosas, bitch is mistaken.

oops

ladies and gents, perpare to hear me bitch. i fell asleep with my white strips on, which means i bleached my teeth for... TWO HOURS AND TEN MINUTES!!! i fully expect my teeth to fall out when by the time i wake up orrr my teeth to be so sensitive that i cant eat. FUUUCCCKK im retarded...



but i have white teeth? ish?

correction

[Dumbass] is the victim of a backpack fashion faux-pas (?). There's a girl in her gov 312 class that has the exact same design, same colored polka dots and all. Oh no!

dear Dumbass,
the faux pas you are committing is owning a polka dotted back pack past the 7th grade. you are a senior at a prestigious university, there is no need to make your facebook status about your tacky backpack.

no love,
nouns.

ps: i know i'm just as gay for blogging about it.

further proof that i am shallow and selfish

today i found myself lost in a text fest with my step dad. usually i shy away from any and all communication with him since we are both incredibly stubborn and usually wrong (makes for an interesting argument, trust). about 30 minutes into the conversation i realize that i'm just talking to him so he will

a) buy me a vacation of sorts (new york or vegas for new years?!)
b) send money for my birthday
c) tell my mom to do a. or b.

another 10 minutes into the conversation i realize that we are only discussing the differences in weather between texas and pennsylvania and abruptly end the conversation by saying, "i dont know how i feel about beer and chocolate together" (not sure how that ended it, but it did)

am i really this shallow and selfish? the answer is no. he is a STEP parent so i'm only half as shallow and selfish as one might think... BA-ZING

UPDATE: he offered to pay for my hotel room for a vacation of my choice. I WIN! i'm not shallow OR selfish, just really fucking smart.

I Should Probably Act More Mature

This weekend's "To Do" list: (yes, I make TONS of lists)
1. Clean room
2. Do Laundry
3. Reorganize Closet
4. Work out
5. Give up drinking beer
5. Go to the grocery store
6. Pay bills
7. Go to church

This weekend's "Acutally Done" list:
1. Throw clothes all over my room in a wasted attempt to find an outfit that fits (due to the lack of the aforementioned #4)
2. Get dressed to go to the gym and instead go to brunch with the Vandy Boys and Boat Party.
3. Buy handle of Tito's to prevent me from drinking beer
4. Go to Boat Party's and have a beer; go to Watch Out Friends', have 3 beers; go to a bar, have 2 more beers. (there was vodka in there too but that was all within the guidelines)
5. Make a certain mistake that the Vandy Boys will not let me live down
6. Have a waiter give me a frightened look bc everytime he walks by I say something really appropriate like "titty fuck"
7. Buy $400 in dresses for my birthweekend.

Texas Fight

I am kind of dissapointed that my first college football game of the year is going to be a Texas A&M game. But I guess that's what I get for working with aggies, and dating one. As my own personal rebellion, however, I will be wearing a burnt orange thong. That way I won't be heckled by male cheerleaders with crew cuts for wearing my school colors to their game, but I will still know where my allegiance lies.

So that's where I will be this weekend; with Mr. Wonderful in hick town College Station. We already have the Franzia on ice so its ready to go. Wish me luck.

Too Bad Intern Struck Out Last Night.

I just want to relay a conversation to you all that took place yesterday between our new intern and Stand Up Sid.

Background: A partner in our firm was having us fill in on his softball team that night. And I can't stand Stand Up Sid.

Stand Up Sid: I'm totally going to hit a home run.
Intern: Have you ever hit one?
SUS: No.
Intern: Well hitting one in slow pitch softball is way harder than in baseball.
SUS: I'm strong and athletic, that should help.
Intern: Too bad being a douche won't help, other wise you would hit a home run for sure.

reasons i live in the south.

i am currently in milwaukee... scratch that... a suburb of milwaukee. it fucking sucks. here are the low-lights of my trip.

1. the most noteworthy news is that a kid in the mall here beat someone up for telling him he looks like a jonas brother.
2. people talk so fucking fast here that i cant understand them
3. if i hear someone call a coke "pop" one more time im going to kill them
4. i paid $11.95 for a cup of yogurt for breakfast
5. everytime i walk into the conference room, the whole crowd says "DAALLLAASSS" like its my fucking name
6. i gained like 10 pounds from going out to eat for every meal. sick.

Sally is a Whore

When I was in elementary school, we never participated in fund raisers because I went to private school (that's right public school kids, suck it - not only am I smarter than you, I am infinitely more socially awkward).

Today my Boss (who is coincidentally my Step-MILF) came in and set down a rather large catalogue of what looked like crap to me. Then she said "OK, Aunt Shoulders, you have to buy SOMETHING."

It dawned on me that I had just gotten roped into some kind of PTA fundraiser for my Niece. It also dawned on me that I needed a drink.

I immediately began to feel nauseous. As I thumbed through the catalogue I realized that it was comprised of four categories:

1) Christmas Wrapping Paper

2) Things that will make me fat

3) Useless crap that no-one needs

4) Overpriced useless crap that no-one needs

Despite the fact that I am one of the least decisive people that I know, I begin to search desperately for something to buy so that I could get this thing out of my life. This is made increasingly difficult because:

1) I hate Christmas

2) I am already fat(ish) and do not wish to become more so

3) I have way too much useless crap

4) I have no money

Throughout the catalogue there are helpful hints from "Sally." I have no idea who "Sally" is but I hate her guts.

She suggests wrapping tiny jewelry boxes in Christmas paper and adding them to a wreath for a decorative touch. Hey Sally - NO ONE GIVES ME JEWELRY AND I AM TOO POOR TO BUY IT FOR MYSELF THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN, BITCH.

She later suggests that I reuse old Christmas bows by making them into a miniature tree using a wooden dowel and a coffee can as the base. Sally, that is just tacky. That will look like shit, and I will not do it.

Long story short, my decision process consisted of closing my eyes and pointing at something then opening them to find that I was the proud owner of a set of 6 "stylish" votive candles for the low low price of $15.50.

I completely plan on playing this up in order to skip out early on the kids soccer games

which i have to attend

at 9 am

ON SATURDAY


UPDATE: I just walked into my brother's office and told him I purchased the aforementioned candles. His response: "If you are telling me this so that you don't have to come to soccer on Saturday, you are shit out of luck."

I am now convinced that my brother has some sort of program installed on my computer that lets him see what I am doing on the internet. I'm doomed.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: I was informed that BOTH of my nieces are participating so I have to buy TWO things. I caved and got snickerdoodles and m&m cookies. I hope someone will still love me when I look like Kirstie Alley.

Also, the other girl who works in my office brought in her kids fund raiser. Apparently I have "pushover" written in my file or something. The sad thing is, I'm totally going to buy something.

Like McGyver but With Booze

Yesterday at work I made the decision to treat myself to a pedicure after I got off. So I called up the nail salon I go to, and made an appointment with my girl. This nail salon is great. The girl I get speaks amazing english ( I swear when I talk to her on the phone you can't tell she is Asian at all), they give a really good pedicure, and they serve booze. Now that's my kind of place!

One problem - I was feeling really cheap, and their wine is, at a minimum, $6 a glass. When I am already paying $30 for a pedicure, I don't want to pay $6 more if I can help it.

So I come up with a genius idea - bring my own wine! I remembered I had 3/4 of a bottle of reisling left over in the fridge. Usually, I would just throw my bootlegged drink in a Ozarka bottle, seeing as how my usual vodka soda is clear. But that just won't work for wine. I decided to empty one of the Fresca's I have at the house and then I will pour it in there and take it with me. Genius!

So all day long at work I had been looking forward to my relaxing pedicure and can o' wine I was going to sneak in. I run home after work to change quickly and grab the booze. That's when I open the refirgerator and see -

THE WINE IS GONE!!!

I go to Nouns' room to inquire if she knows where my wine is. But she is passed out in her bed for her usual after work nap. I have to hurry and make my appointment, so I have no time to deal with waking her up.

I can't cry over missing wine, so I move on and figure out how to get booze into my pedicure another way.

Head to the lime bowl - they are all old - Vodka soda is out
Remember the Fresca I had planned to pour down the sink - Vodka Fresda it is!

Like Shoulders texted me earlier - You are like McGyver but with booze. It kind of has a ring to it.

So I make it to my appointment a few minutes late with a big glass of Vodka Fresca on ice with a straw of course. And my nail girl was none the wiser. Ha. I win!

Side note:
I found out later when I got home that the roommates had assumed Boat Party had left the wine from when she stayed with us for a couple of weeks. So they drank it while I was over at Mr. Wonderful's place eating the dinner he cooked for me and him. They promised to repay for the damage they caused by replacing the bottle for me. So we're all good, and the mystery was solved. And not to worry, Nouns and Shoulders, my Vodka Fresca worked out just fine!

office memo.

dear coworkers,

despite having worked here for nearly a month, i have no FUCKING clue about how to do anything, or even what my job entails. as far as i'm concerned, i was hired to read blogs, gchat, guzzle coffee and stare at the clock until 4:30 pm. speaking of coffee, whoever walked off with the creamer has a world of pain coming to them, black coffee with 3 splendas just isn't satisfying.

that being said, do not ask me questions like "what does this mean?" and "did you do that?" because theres a 100% chance i don't know the answer. however, if you would like to hear a silly story about me sleeping on the bathroom floor or getting lost on the 6 block trek back to my apartment, i'd be happy to help you. until then, i will plotting a way to build a fort around my cubicle rendering me invisible so that i can both take a nap undermy desk and avoid your nonsense.

thanks,
nouns.

Pity Me.

I have officially decided that I have shrunk all of my clothes in the dryer.

Why you ask?

Because this conclusion is far less painful than admitting that I am getting fat.

le sigh.

fuck you crackberry.

dear blackberry,

YOU SOLD ME FAULTY GOODS! actually, that is a lie. travis, the nice man in your tech support department has informed me that you designed your phone to automatically delete the call and text message log ON PURPOSE! now at first i liked that feature bc living through "the shame" of seeing who i drunk dialed and texted is usually pretty painful. however, today i found it to be a real fucking inconvenience.

i left work at 4:30 today. somewhere between the drive home and my nap (afterall, i did sleep on the bathroom floor) someone called me! (WHICH NEVER FUKCING HAPPENS since calling me is openning a HUGE can of worms, i will totally talk your ear off). anyways, by the time i finally decided to look at my phone, the peice of shit also deleted said call. this call could have been:
A) a hot man who wants to take me to a nice dinner
B) someone calling bc i owe them money
C) someone calling about a happy hour
D) my mom calling to tell me she bought the dog a sweater

aside from B i would have wanted to know about ALL of those calls. tomorrow i'm totally marching into verizon and demanding a refund.

no love bc you are retarded,
nouns

ps: person who called between 4:30 and 6, i am not ignoring you. or at least i'm probably not ignoring you.

Its True, She Does.

Nouns -
I can attest to that. I got up to wash my face at 2:15 after watching half of a Harry Potter movie in bed (because sleeping in your make-up is bad for you apparently, and I'm trying to break the habit). However the door was stopped by something. I pushed on through to find that that "something" was your leg.

You were asleep on the bathroom floor, and you looked so peaceful that I couldn't dream of waking you. Also I am selfish and lazy and knew that waking you would lead to pouring you into your bed. So instead I maniacally giggled, and shut the door again.

Score:
Bad Habits: 1
Good Habits: 0

Although to be fair, I too drank a bottle of wine and 2 screw drivers, gossiped, and cursed like a sailor. So upon further review:

Bad Habits: 4
Good Habits: 0

Back With a PSA

I know, its been like forever since I posted...but in my defense I just got done with a huge report at work blah blah blah...you don't care, and really neither do I.

Well last week at work, our marketing girl grabs me and takes me to this Bar Association Law lunch thing. Initially I think...score! Hot lawyer dudes and a free lunch on work? I am in!

We get there, and it is nothing like I imagined, they are all old. There is one decent guy at our table, but he has a wedding ring on - strike one. He brings a plate mounded high of like 8 enchiladas to the table and then cleans his plate - strike two. I don't really know what strike three was, I guess I just wasn't in the mood to give him another one. Its kind of like IM softball when you start 1-1.

Then this awful dude comes in late. He is the epitome of white trash and his greasy mulletted light denim wearing ass decides to pick the one open seat at our table next to me instead of many other open tables. He sits down and our marketing girl quickly scoots her chair over as far as possible to help me move away from him. After I have scooted over so far we are basically sharing a chair, I look over at his plate. Its just a plateful of fajita beef drown in salsa. No rice, No beans, no salad. Just meat and salsa. Sir, you sicken me.

Once I got through judging everyone at our table, I began looking around the room to judge others. Thats when I get to the point of this story which is my PSA.

It is no longer acceptable to wear claw clips! I just want to make everyone aware of this because construction lawyers in the Dallas area are not. Once I got over the abhorrant man next to me I found 5 women, in a room with 8 of which the marketing girl and I are two, who had their hair up with claw clips. It was amazing and disturbing all at the same time. I just couldn't believe it. These women make plenty of money. Why would they need a 50 cent hair accessory?

The marketing girl and I had to leave early to get back to the office, which rules my life, so I didn't get a chance to tell each and every one of those women the damage they were doing to themselves before I left.

That's why I am reaching out to all of you. Hopefully with some awareness we can put an end to the claw clip once and for all.

sometimes i drink

i had a bottle of wine and 2 screw drivers for dinner. the pillow on my bathroom floor tells me i tried to sleep there.

two posts. one day.

ha. i am tickled pink with my "pop culture" reference that no one else will find funny. (no i have not and will not watch the video in question). anyways, i'm being extremely productive at work,(read: restarting my computer 95 times and sitting on the phone with tech support until they tell me i cant do anything for 2 days. UGH) so i'm blogging again because i'm just as annoying and talkative in real life. people hate me.

i digress.


i'm totally bringing back asshat of the week.

MTV: you are officially on notice. last night i made the mistake of staying up to watch the VMA's. i really only wanted to see some kickass dance moves from chris brown, some funny commentary from the host (whoever that guy was), some eye candy in the form of justin timberlake, and brit brit make a fool of her self.

NONE OF THESE THINGS HAPPENED. (well they might have, but i was so turned off by that british guy that i couldn't understand and the fact that britney didn't perform that i didn't tune in for more that ohhhh 4 minutes and 23 seconds.) i mean watching her regurgitate some poorly written lines in a feeble attempt to resuscitate her career is... heartwarming? but id much rather watch a panty-less trainwreck. (i have no soul)

last night was my last ditch effort to remain a part of your "demographic". FAIL. instead i watched 3 tivoed episodes of john and kate plus 8, ate half an apple, and cried during the christian the lion youtube video. i believe that puts me in the same demographic as... my mom? SICK. i'm checking out of work early to have a vodka soda and go to the gym. yes, in that order. don't judge.

it is 1 pm, that is neat.

6:00 am- my alarm goes off

6:10 am- again.

6:15 am- i set my alarm for 6:45

6:45 am- i am halfway through my bowl of grits and beef jerky (judge me.)

6:46 am- i realize it is actually 7:46 am.

7:48 am- i run out the door whilst still putting on my shirt.

8:13 am- late for work. CRAP

8:14 am- the lights are off in my office, no one else is here yet. SCORE! there is already a pot of coffee made... weird but DOUBLE SCORE! and i somehow have the will power to walk past a table of donuts and kolaches... we'll see how long that lasts.

9:00 am- i give in to the kolache temptation

9:10 am- someone who i incorrectly assume has a better knowledge of computers than i do comes to install my dual monitors (so now i can read celeb gossip and check my personal email at the same time)

9:25 am- i sit in a meeting i know nothing about.

11:00 am- tech lady is missing. i have no monitors.

11:15 am- i give into the kolaches... again.

11:30 am- tech lady returns, asks me how to install the software for the video card... why are we paying her $75 bucks an hour?

12:00 noon- finally she finishes and asks to use the fax machine, i politely point it out to her and tell her dial 9 assuming all other functions of a fax are pretty standard.

12:15 pm- she is still standing at the fax talking really loudly about how she knows nothing about computers or printers (obvi.)

12:25pm- i hear her yell "OOHHHH you have to put them face down?!?! the girl that works here didn't mention they had a WEIRD fax machine." how is this my fault?

12:40 pm- i finally get to do some "work" i change the date on an entry in the database. i have no idea what this means.

12:45 pm- everyone goes to lunch. i am full from the 2 kolaches i gobbled earlier so i sit at my computer and read the company bitch.

and here we stand. these people pay me. they are silly.

There Are Now Two Phases of Your Life...

Ok, first things first. I realize I haven't blogged since Michael Jackson was the same color as LaToya. I was in a bit of a funk. But ladies and gentlemen. Let me introduce you to the object that has changed my life:

That is the French Connection Denim Romper.

After a sort of lack luster Friday night, I am awakened by a call from my brother. He informs me that we are having lunch together, he will be at my apartment in 20 minutes.

I cannot currently see the floor of my bedroom, our chalk board coffee table is covered in lovingly drawn pictures of penises and empty beer cans from the night before.

Agenda:

1. Put on clothes that you did not wear to bars the night before.

2. Remove raccoon-like circles under eyes.

3. Wipe off coffee table and place all beer cans in trash receptacle.

4. Throw everything on my floor in my bedroom into the closet and PRAY that my sister in law does not want to see how big it is.

We had a leisurely lunch and I had promised to help a friend go shopping for business attire as his first day of work is today. What he did not realize at the time was that my idea of "helping" a guy shop is acting like a petulant child, saying vulgar things just loud enough to make salesmen really uncomfortable, and pointing out how much said shopper needs things like a black and white checked blazer or a seersucker suit all while demanding that we get a Starbucks every 5 minutes.

Luckily Venus came along and is an experienced shopper as she has outfitted her younger brother for most of his life. Once we finished shopping I hijacked Venus and forced her to do, what else, more shopping. We had a religious experience at Sephora and then headed to Dillards for the sheer fact that we had never been to the Dillards in that mall.

The paycheck that I get at the first of the month is used mainly for rent, so my spending room is really pretty limited. However, when I saw this romper, I knew it was destiny. (I had previously been seeking out a white romper to wear to an all white party to be hosted by Nouns and I - but this one was SO much better). We were also planning to attend a country concert and I could NOT resist. Oh yeah, and then I spent even more money that I don't have on some new MAC eyeshadow that I bought from what was certainly a Tranny.

I headed back to Venus's apartment and took a shower. When I got out, I wasn't going to put on my old clothes. So I dawned the Romper. A LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE. As soon as I had it on, I knew I could flirt better, drink more, and be more ridiculous in general. In short, it made me rowdy.

So we all meet back at our apartment and pile into one car and head to this concert. Copious amounts of beer are had. We are the only people dancing through most of the concert, and when I say dancing, I mean twirling around like small children. Everyone is so annoyed with us.

Venus has slipped some Vodka in between her beers and is starting to get a little out of hand. I can tell that she is about 1 sip away from turning into a mean drunk, so I implore our DD to babysit her. I turn to say something to someone else, turn back, and now Venus has two beers in her hands. There is only one thing to do. Chug and reload.

I kindly inform Venus that we have plans when we get back to pour her into bed, then go out. Mainly because I felt bad for the DD who I don't think ended up having a great time anyway. The Romper has given me a renewed confidence, so upon the first meeting of a man we get the initial "I work in finance, you are a consultant" bs out of the way. I cut him off in mid sentence to discuss this with him.

Dude: "So basically I just tell businesses what..."

Me: "I'm bored of this. If someone invented a way to travel instantaneously from point a to point b but it would take two years off your life, would you do it?"

Dude (a little bewildered): "can I go anywhere"

Me: "Sure"

Dude: "Like from here to the bathroom"

Me: "Yeah, why not"

Dude: "Absolutely"

We chatted for awhile, I gave him a business card. He said "Maybe I'll give you a call sometime." No sir, you absolutely will not.

So its about 1:45 and I send some precarious text messages. Nouns, Boat Party and I begin the trip home. All the while I am yelling obscene things. For instance a car honked at us and I retorted "come back and rip this romper right off me." You get the picture. Nouns and I hatch a plan to go to the Spearmint Rhino. It is really the best idea I have heard. By the time we get home I am over the moon.

At about 2:15 I get a text message. A return from the precarious texts earlier. Somebody is taking the bait. That's right ladies and gentlemen, Thing Two is back on the scene. He informs me via text that Spearmint Rhino closes at 2:00. Nouns and I experience simultaneous breaking of the heart. I decide now is a good time to drive to Thing Two's apartment for a late night make-out.

When I leave in the morning, he is still sleeping and right after I close his door he wakes up and yells "Hey." He comes to the door and says:

T2: "Are you leaving"

Me: "Yeah"

T2: "Oh, I thought I heard something"

Me: "Yeah, you did, me. Getting up. And leaving"

I then proceded to slap him on the ass and stroll out of his apartment still wearing the Romper and my cowboy boots. Normal people doing normal things on the street were staring at me like I was a prostitute.

When I got home and relayed this information to Nouns and Venus, Nouns had the clarity to say.

"Wow, its like there were two phases of your life. Pre-romper, and Post-romper."

I think shes right. And I think I like it.

also.

watch out fiends (typo, i'm not fixing it.) feels like a celeb when he gets mentioned in the blog, so let it be known hes way jealous of our almost stripclub tryst.

forgive me. i am drunk.

the scene: my living room. post booze fest at a concert. i have already been told my left breast is entirely exposed and i totally want whataburger.

the facts
- i lied about my name to 85% of the people i met
-shoulders needs a man to rip her denim romper off her nubile body
-i am texting people to accompany me to a strip club
-everyone else is passed out

k bye.

Nouns and Boat Party do Austin.

First things first... some stage directions to set the scene. The crew minus a few (most importantly lyrical cabbage) have moved to the big D. Boat party and i took a trip back for a little walk down debauchery lane.

Picture it: Labor Day 2008, college football opening weekend.
Act one, Scene one: Upon our arrival in austin, we meet up with Lyrical cabbage at her new "adult" apartment and immediately head out for Mexican Martinis. After a round of drinks and a huge bowl of queso, we get in a cab (which i clumisly cut my foot on) and head straight for "our bar."
Act one, Scene two: we are immediately greeted with a free round of vodka sodas the familiar sound of the DJ creepily saying "JEENNNYY" (nope not my real name... he just thinks it is) as i prance up the bar. the next few hours are a blur "omg how are yous" and "UGHHH theres that girl i hate". we head to the big beer bar to end the night and i could not be more pleased. some nice man places a glass of the colorado koolaid in my hands and i'm set. i'm catching up with old friends when i turn and see him. the ex. i have yet to name this creature, soo i guess that will be his name. hes there with his new girlfriend (they met when she was sleeping with his roommate, classy i know). luckily its close to closing i pound a couple of beers and me, boat party, lc, next door neighbor, and his military friend pour ourselves in cab.
Act one, Scene three: now this where the night gets REALLY blurry. i dont know how it happened, but lc gets offended by something ndn does... at first i think shes crazy. later i found out he said "bitch money and shit to me" and threw money in her face (no wonder she was pissed). LC is so angry she leaves her new phone in the cab. these are my people.

Act two, Scene one: we spend the next day tailgating and head to a bar (since they don't sell the hooch at the stadium) to watch to watch UT beat the shit out of some no talent assclowns.
Act two, Scene two: we head down town where we meet up with watch out friends, bdv and crew who after one round of drinks decide to go to the campus bar instead. i should have just lit money on fire, it would have been a better investment.
Act two, Scene three: boat party and i essentially babysit a table while the boys booze like crazy. cut to the end of the night. its 1:55 and WOF has 5 shots lined up and 2 beers in his hand. BDV is asleep at the table (after he fell over backwards in his chair) and boat party and i are trying fruitlessly to round the troops. we finally get them in the car and head home. at the destination WOF decides getting out of the car is an AWFUL idea.
Act two, Scene four: he comes with us to taco cabana. i am a shit talker. i love to heckle and make outlandish claims of my awesomeness. so is WOF.we begin arguing about who can drink more and as hes listing all the things he can beat me at he yells "I WILL EAT YOU OUT". silence followed by GUTTERAL laughter. inside taco cabana there is a newly wed couple. like just wed 20 minutes ago at the local community center. maybe their backyard. WOF proposes a polygamous relationship (which is why i suppose we are supposed to watch out??) we inhale some tacos and head back to LC's to pass out on the floor. as soon as i park the car WOF gets out and voms ALL over a tree. after trying to deny his trail of booze clues, we get him up stairs and we immediately pass out.

Act three, Scene one: breakfast at the fattest restaurant in the world we are the only table who doesnt have to buy two tickets when flying. we recap the evening, show WOF the evidence he left outside LC's apartment and embark on another day boozing.
Act three, Scene two: we head to an outdoor music festival put on by LC's man friend. after downing 16oz bud lights for about an hour, Lyrical Cabbage, Boat Party, our new friends Broadway and the photographer begin to put on a show singing and dancing included. best concert ever (not sure if i feel that way due to booze, music, or the company). We settled into bed with a bottle of wine and a 90210 marathon (not to mention the harsh realization that we are old).

CURTAIN.

Its the little things

Boat Party had come in town over the weekend to hang out and (shocker) go to a boat party with Shoulders, Venus, me, some of my coworkers, other various Urban Family Dinner girls, and about 85 other Dallas Texas Exes. There were two two story party barges tied together with slides on both of them. The boats were stocked with Miller Lite tall boys, sangria, and this premixed Bacardi Mojito stuff. The party was a lot of fun, and amazingly we ended up being able to go out after we got back. And I think what is even more amazing than that is that I was sober enough to drive home. I guess I didn't drink that much because there were really no men attractive enough on the party barge for me to drink with.

I did engage in a conversation and cigarette up on the top deck with the lifeguard who was supposed to be keeping a watch over the people jumping off and floating around the barge. But if he didn't mind, I didn't either. I was in no need of rescue. Shoulders had already talked to the lifeguard about the rules regarding his drinking on the boat. He said he couldn't start drinking until we pulled anchor. She proceeds to promise him a shot gun as soon as we were on our way back to dock. And we do.

So we get back and shower and change. Like the champ Venus is, she fell asleep on our couch in her towel. Shoulders was nice enough to give her some pjs and put Venus in her bed.

We all are starving by this point because the food on the boat had no refrigeration really, so it kind of weirded us all out. Our Next Door Neighbor had come on the barge as well and had been talking the whole time about getting a steak dinner when we got back. So that's what we did. Seven of us head out to eat and go out.

The best part about dinner was our dinnertainment, ONDN. He got super drunk on the boat, but he wanted that steak dinner. And he really enjoyed it too. At one point I look over at him and he makes a face that makes me swear there is some one under the table giving him a blowjob. It was truly an orgasmic face. Shoulders catches my gaze and looks over too. We both laugh uncontrollably and ONDN realizes we just witnessed the face he made and joins in our laughter. His laughter is from a mix of embarrassment and still being drunk, ours is from sheer dinnertainment.

I had been texting Mr. Wonderful (previously Joel McHale fan, renammed by Shoulders) the entire meal trying to figure out if he was going to be able to come out with us that night. He had been at a baseball game, but assured me he would come out. And he did.

We first start at the strong drinks bar, which I love, but Boat Party can not hang. She takes a few sips and goes back up to the bar to ask the bartender to put more soda in her drink. He looks at her like she is insane, but obliges. I step quickly away from her, because I do not want anyone to see me associate myself with someone who would disrespect the strong drinks bar in that way. But in Boat Party's defense she had thrown up from Friday night. It takes a lot to be able to hang out with our group.

We hop over to another bar, but everyone is pretty much wiped. A few go back to our apartments around 1, but Shoulders and I stick it out a little longer with Mr. Wonderful and his friends. When we all do decided to go home Mr. Wonderful offers to drive my car back to my apartment from dinner where I had left it. Such a gentleman.

When we all get back there is a little resurgance for an after party, but it dissipates quickly when ONDN stalls in his apartment with some people doing God knows what. When they do come over, we are so over the after party. They quickly realize this after 10 minutes of akwardly standing around, and leave.

Mr. Wonderful and I had been playing with some truth or dare cards that Shoulders had gotten from an old social chair in her sorority. We were asking eachother random questions and not really paying much attention to anything around us.

Boat Party realizes that Mr. Wonderful is staying over and goes and gets ready for bed in my room and comes back out to sleep on the couch. She totally redeems herself from the performace at the strong drinks bar. So Mr. Wonderful and I head to bed.

The next morning Boat Party is trying to arrange a drop off with her ride back to Austin from friends of ours. We all decide to go to brunch, and Mr. Wonderful comes along too. He was great at brunch. He has great stories and he kept us all entertained. Especially with the story about his friend who is still on probation because in a black out drunken stupor he traveled 6 miles without a car to break into a steak house and make himself food. When the cops came in he was drinking wine and had the stove heating up. That is a man who knows how to party. But I think maybe that if you are getting that drunk a lot, probation can be a good thing.

I was supposed to go into work yesterday (Sunday) after brunch, which totally sucks, but its my job so I make due. I drop Mr. Wonderful off and he says for me to call him when I'm done so we can hang out.

I go home, shower, and get ready for work. Even though its a weekend, we still have to be business casual. Annoying. I am in the car on the way to work and I see I have a message. Its from my boss.

"Hey, GP, its boss. I got your message that you were going to be in at 2. I am going to have you put a hold on that for a minute. I am not planning on coming in until later this evening, and I won't be able to give you adequate instructions over the phone. I tried getting a hold of [manager] to see if she was going in so she could give you the assignment, but she didn't answer. So let's put you in a holding pattern, and go ahead and enjoy your Sunday. You may get a call from [manager] or me if we need you to come in. This is a really big project, so I am definitely going to need your assistance next weekend, and well all of the weekends until this report goes out just to give you aheads up on the expectations for this thing. Okay, you may be hearing from me or [manager] but if not we will get rolling early on Monday."

Really? I just showered and got ready, when all I wanted to do was go work out. But I still couldn't go work out in case they called me, beacuse I needed to be ready. So I call Mr. Wonderful and commplain to him. He listens, consoles and tells me to take a nap and call him later. Thats just what I do. Boss never calls, so at least my nap didn't get ruined.

I call Mr. Wonderful and head to his house to hang out. Neither of us had eaten since brunch, so we get food from a place a minute walk from where he lives. Everyone else has eaten here but me, and Venus had reccommended this salad that I really wanted to try. We pull up the menu online and all I know is that Venus said its got tons of guacamole. There is only one thing under the salad section of the menu that mentions guacamole, so I have Mr. Wonderful order that for me. He hadn't been in a while, but remembered liking another salad on the menu. When we get back and go through the food. I realize that what I ordered was straight guacamole. Two huge heaps of guacamole. Mr. Wonderful's salad actually turns out to be what I was trying to order. He suggests we split the salad and the guacamole. But the salad is mostly guacamole as well. So needless to say there were quite a few avacadoes harmed in the making of this blog.

We watch some 30 Rock, and Lucky Number Slevin. We went through a bunch of movies to figure out which one to watch. He is trying to figure out what I haven't seen and make sure I get to see the good ones. As we flip past Lucky Number Slevin, I tell him I haven't seen it. He says its really good, and should see it, so we throw it in. 15 minutes in I realize I have seen it, but didn't have the heart to tell him. Luckily I think I was pretty drunk when I saw it because all of the surpirses still surprised me. So he was none the wiser. Sometimes is pays to have an affinity for alcohol.

We then finish the movie and go to bed. I am getting used to sharing a bed with him. One of us has slept over at the other's 6 of the 9 nights since the first time we hung out. Its almost weird when he's not there.

He is taking Shoulders, ONDN and I out to a Ranger's game tonight with his Dad's tickets. I think it is incredibly nice of him to let me bring two friends when he has plenty of people I know would love to come. But he has gotten to know Shoulders really well, and him and ONDN get along really well, so I think he thinks of them as his friends sort of now too.

So all in all it was a good weekend. I was glad to see Boat Party, the boat party was a lot of fun, and Mr. Wonderful is still..well..wonderful.

Sex on a Stick.

Bad, Better, Worse

The Good News: I found a man last night!!!

The Bad News: HE WAS 30!!

Worse News: I BELIEVE I was making out with him in a bar. And he jumped ship as soon as he could when he and his friends came back to The Brothel to post party.


Whelp, off to drink more !!! :)

HAPPY EFFING BIRTHDAY!!!!

That's it Ladies and Gentlemen. I have officially been thrown out of a bar.

Last night we went out to celebrate our friend The Intern's 21st birthday. I know for a fact that she reads this so I want to point out a few highlights for her that she probably - scratch that - CERTAINLY does not remember.

I caught up with the crowd at the bar with the strong drinks. GP and I drove to the area and met Joel McHale Fan (who by the way needs a new name - I'm thinking either Mr. Wonderful or God Among Kings). I instantly greeted him with "Hey, its me, your favorite third wheel." We walked in to the bar and there was a table of couples, The Intern, and one other friend of GP's from work. Barkeep! I'll have a vodka soda please, easy on the soda.

We leave there eventually and head to the first bar where we demand a birthday shot. Despite the bar being virtually empty and the door guy letting us in, when I say "what tastes good to a 21 year old" the bartender demands to see The Intern's license. She hands it to him proudly. He refuses her service because she has not been 21 for 24 hours. The whole time I swear to god I thought this guy was kidding. In fact I even offered to show him some clevage if he'd just mix some sort of beverage for her. Apparently he was gay because we left shotless.

We are all standing in the middle of the street with cries of "I can't believe this," "Is that guy serious?," and "Wait did you just tell him you'd show him your boobs for a shot?" when I look over at The Intern. She is on the verge of a melt down and I just grab her by the arm and march down the street and in to a sports bar where I demand "the strongest shot you can make for an unhappy lady on her birthday." The female bartender obliges, so I guess she might have been gay too. Whatever... at least I got some booze.

We hang out there for awhile and it dawns on me, Mr. Wonderful and GP met in this very bar one week ago. I get a huge smile on my face and turn to GP and say "OMG are you feeling nostalgic?" The smile falls off her face faster than you can say "raving bitch." Then I take a picture of the two of them and I turn to Mr. Wonderful and I say..."THAT'S A GOOD ONE, KEEP IT FOR THE GRANDCHILDREN!" GP is plotting my murder. I run away to giggle with Venus who has showed up.

Someone eventually suggests we head across the street to one of those clubby bars. There are several tables reserved and three baloons and NOT A SINGLE SOUL IN THE PLACE. I turn to The Intern and say "SUPRISE!!!!" She apparently already knows me too well and just ignores me, but Venus and I giggle for awhile. Then Venus and I preceed to have a photoshoot in the open bar because well... we can. (GP if you are reading this POST SOME GD PICTURES).

We leave and head to a bar that the men of The Bachelorette frequent. By this point in the night Mr. Wonderful and GP have decided that I need a man. They are determined to find me one, and won't stop until all options have been exhausted. The Intern is starting to stumble by this point and I am a little concerned, but its her 21st, so I encourage her to order another shot. She does..."deliciousness in a glass" is what the bartender answered when she asked "what the hell is this?" sloshing a little on the counter.

At one point I am talking to GP and Mr. Wonderful and someone taps Mr. Wonderful on the shoulder and says, "The intern keeps yelling that you owe her a drink." He turns around to buy her one and she points at him and kind of slurs "Yeah, that onesss owesss me a drink." This is getting interesting. At this point someone suggests that she keep a running tally on her arm of how many drinks she has had so far. She had started the night determined to make it to 18 and by this point had moved her goal up to 21. I mean I have to respect a woman with high aspirations like that, but I was pretty certain it would take an elusive miracle sometimes known as the "puke and rally" to get there.

Mr. Wonderful leans over to me and says, "OK, it is now your job to mark three tally marks every time she has a drink." THIS MAN IS BRILLIANT. We leave and go to another bar. The bar tender catches my attention and says "Is it your birthday?" I said no and pointed to The Intern who is now harassing some valet's who had just gotten off work and were having a cold one before going home "It's hers." "Oh, well someone named Lauren just called and gave me her credit card number and told me to buy the birthday girl a shot."

I am thrilled by this news and go to let The Intern know. By the time I get back there are 15 shot glasses filled with something purple sitting on the counter. I distribute them to everyone in the party, yell out "to the bride and groom." Watch everyone down the shots and lean over to GP to say "There is no way that was for us, or that she was supposed to make 15 of them. I have no idea what just happened, but we should leave."

We walk back to the bar next to the bar in which we were rudely refused service by a gay bartender and go inside for a shot. I am supporting every ounce of The Intern's tiny little body and simultaneously appologizing to the men she keeps yelling at in the bar. (I believe it was something like "Get the fuck out of my way, its my 21st birthday.") GP turns to one of The Interns friends and says, get the bartender to make a shot with no alcohol in it. This seems silly to me, I never even thought you COULD make a shot with no alcohol, but for once in my life I support this theory (mostly because I wanted to see just how it would work and if, indeed the universe would cease to exist.)

As someone hands The Intern a shot (alcoholic content unknown) and I mark 5 tally marks on her arm, a small Asian man (I'd put him at 5'4'') shines a tiny flashlight in my face and says "THATS IT, YOU ARE OUT, GET OUT, I'M SERIOUS!" I just start to laugh, in all my days of debauchery NEVER have I been asked to leave an establishment.

I WAS TAKEN DOWN BY A 21 YEAR OLD!

It was pretty awesome, and I THINK The Intern had a good night despite the rude beginning and end. I'm game to guess that she did not have such a good morning, but so be it. That's the price you have to pay to the Booze Gods little one. I am super excited that she is going to be able to go out with us for the rest of the summer, something tells me that our apartment (aka the brothel) is about to be plus one on several occasions. I think I might just have a spare key made.