Answers to Noun's Little Questions

1. Because people don't like to be fat alone. That person is looking for a partner in next season's biggest loser, and it looks like they are trying to make it be you.

2. He knows the client is into that sort of thing. Don't worry he's a professional.

3. The person from #1.

4. Its never inappropriate to wear a chicken costume for Halloween, some just aren't ready for you yet.

5. No.

6. Take that back. If not, maybe its because I have become a mother?

7. Because you are too easily persueded, which is why #1.

8. Because you have to get ready at 7 am, and have the largest bladder in the world so you didn't have to pee until 2 pm.

9. No, you're not a terrible person. Go ahead and take him. I think Mr. Wonderful's dog needs to go to a more appropriate owner, ie anything without a penis.

10. There is no good reason for iTunes to do that to you. Don't they realize how crappy car trips are all alone in the backseat?

11. You stumped me on that one, none of my friends have boyfriends, and that's how I like it. Jerk-face is not really an insult.

Life's Little Questions

1. Why is that when I bring a healthy feast for lunch some ill intentioned person offers me free french fries?

2. Why did someone in my office just say to a big client "let me put my hand up my butt..."?

3. Who put a candy bowl next to my desk?

4. When did it become "inappropriate" for me to wear a giant furry chicken costume for Halloween?

5. Is it 4:30 yet?

6. When did Guinea Pig get so sappy?

7. Why am I going to Lubbock this weekend instead of watching UT dominate Tech from the comfort of my bed or local bar?

8. Why did it take me until 2 pm to notice the pants I wore to work today are not only missing A button but THE button?

9. Am I a terrible person for plotting ways to steal Frankie's's (seriously, how does the punctuation on that mess work?) new fluff ball puppy? (and yes, I call "Mr. Wonderful" Frankie's and will continue to do so)

10. Is there a good reason for iTunes not offering "Stanky Legg" by G Spot Boyz? Because iReally need it on my iPod for the horrifying trip to Lubbock tonight.

11. Why do single girls always talk mad shit about their friends' boyfriends? And is jerk-face REALLY an insult?

Good morning!

This morning at 2:45 am I got a little surprise...

A drunk dial from drummer! He knows I now live in Dallas, and there was no chance I was going to drive three hours for a late night hang out. He just wanted to chat; how sweet.

When I answered, I didn't have a chance to disguise my sleepy voice to feign alertness. I got a little reality check when I realized that he is still living the fun carefree life, while I am engrossed in the corporate world. But then I remembered I am making a lot more money than an unknown drummer, so I am okay with it. Money is all that matters right?

Good thing Mr. Wonderful didn't stay over last night, and instead went home after everyone came over to have postkickball game drinks like the old tired man that he is. Otherwise that middle of the night phone call could have been kind of awkward for him.

Wishful Thinking

I would love to blog about my strange coworkers, but I can't for fear that I get fired like Dooce.

Maternity Test

I grew up in a divorced family as an only child where my mom's parents are uber conservative Presbyterians, my dad's parents are Catholics with 12 children and 47 grandchildren, and my step dad's parents are the epitome of backwoods east Texas. Needless to say I never really fit in. However, my mom likes to send me little daily reminders that there is pretty much no way we're blood related, or that she is the woman who raised me.

At about 5am a few days ago my cell phone goes off. I clumsily roll over to see what anyone could possibly be thinking contacting me at this hour, and it's an email from my mother. There is a link to a YouTube video. She sends these pretty often, sometimes they are conservative rants about illegal immigration, sometimes they are music videos (usually Nelly or Nickleback). This one happens to be 3 full minutes of some awful instrumental song and a video that appears to be a from camera she put on a tripod in front of the dog's cage yesterday. Riveting, let me tell you.

I scroll down a little further to find a note:

Here are some highlights from [dog 4 of 5]'s day. Due to the puppies, I won't be able to make it to Austin for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I talked to [grandma] about having Christmas in Houston instead. My wish list is attached, pass it on to her.
L,
Mom

Her list is an Excel spreadsheet that lists:
-Dress Barn Gift Card
-New Treadmill for Emily
-See last year's list

First, there is no need for a spreadsheet of 3 items. Second, Emily is not my overweight sister, she is my dog who at some point will have to have her back legs replaced with wheels. Third, Dress Barn?! There is no way we're related.

Someone is DEFINITELY trying to poison me.

Despite having toted a can of soup with me to work today, I went out for lunch. I had a pretty big craving for Chipotle (it's the crack rice, I swear) and I'm having a bad day, so I gave in. I'm sitting at my desk, waiting on my teleconference to start, enjoying a delicious burrito bol when it happened.

I take my third bite of awesomeness and its a huge fucking chunk of salt. SICK. I dig around in my food a little to see if there is more. Luckily it looks safe. The fourth bite commences. No salt chunks. SWEET!

Around bite 14, there's another fucking salt chunk! I freak out, throw away the remainder of my meal, decide someone has put cyanide in my lunch and vow never to eat Chipotle again.

Well played sabotager. Well played.

Where's the wizard when you need him?

Mr. Wonderful had been out of town for four or five days for a funeral and got back in town yesterday.

I had some stuff to get done after work, but later that evening we hung out and caught up on some of our shows.

We had watched them at his house, and luckily his dog wasn't there to whine all night and keep me up. So I stayed over.

We were laying in bed with my head on his chest about to go to sleep. And I knew this was it. I have been wanting to figure out where we stand, and this was my time to ask him. I went over what I was going to say in my head trying to figure out how I was going to word it without seeming overly committed, but still making sure what I wanted would come across.

Last night, this is what I came up with in my head...

A few months ago, when this all started, we talked about how you had just gotten out of a serious relationship, and you had said how you wanted things to stay at the level they were at then. Its been two months or so now, and I just wanted to see where your head was at with everything. Like, for example, are we still dating other people?

And then he would reply with whatever he was thinking and I would finally know what was going on.

Once I had all of this semi set up in my head I heard his breathing get deeper. Shit.

"Are you asleep?"
"No."

Okay, I take a deep breath. Thank goodness he hadn't fallen asleep yet, I really wanted to get this off my chest. Then I think the falling asleep thing must have caught me off guard. And I ran through what I was going to say again. Then one more time to make sure I had all of my inflections at the right syllables, and then I hear Mr. Wonderful snore. Double shit.

I can't wake him up in order to have a relationship conversation when I was laying there for at least 5 minutes with him awake and said nothing.

So I totally blew it. Now I am going out of town tomorrow and I don't know if I will be able to see Mr. Wonderful before I leave. So its going to have to be another week before I can figure out what the hell is going on with us, because I don't want to do it over the phone.

I have no idea what my problem is. I can call dibs on a man who walks through the door of the bar and make it happen. I can make eyes at a guy across the bar and end up dating him. But when it comes to having an actual talk about relationship stuff, I can't do it. I am the most confident person in the world, except for when I have to take that first leap into defining a relationship.

How DID she know??

I spent last week in what can only be described as the WORST CLASS EVER. Why you ask? 1. It was a prep class for an insurance licensing test (I do not NEED an insurance license to perform my job functions, however my job requires it) 2. My instructor kept saying "NUMBER b." as we were going through the outline when it is pretty effing clear that b is a LETTER. 3. I was sick and therefore a ball of grouch.

I survived the 30 hours of torture (mostly because there was a very attractive man with whom I had lunch with everyday) and somehow passed the test, thus giving me a Series 14-59 and proving my theory that I am nothing short of kick-ass at standardized tests.

Anywho, when I got to the office today I brought in some celebratory kolaches to find that 3 of my 4 co-workers are on vacation and that one of them left a sack of potatoes (which unbeknownst to her is my favorite food) and a note on my desk.

"Nouns- Congratulations, I got your email that you passed the test! Can't wait to have you back in the office. Here are some sweet potatoes."

I'm not complaining about the potatoes, the are awesome! I'm just slightly confused about the connection??

Puppy Surprise

Mr. Wonderful got a dog this past weekend. He is a 26 year old male living by himself, who does triathlons and played lacrosse in college. For a man like this, you would expect some big tough dog like a German Shepherd or something that at least would be able to hold its own in a fight.

But no, what does Mr. Wonderful get? A Yorkie. A two month old Yorkie boy puppy. Those dogs are supposed to be purse puppies.

Well I had my doubts about this little thing, obviously. But I got to meet the little fur ball (literally, that's all he is) last night, and he is precious. To watch the puppy and Mr. Wonderful interact was a million times cuter than how weird and awkward I thought it was going to be. We were curled up on the couch watching one of our TV shows last night, and the little one fell asleep on Mr. Wonderful's chest.

But then all of the cuteness was stripped away when the poor thing whined all night. I am such a light sleeper, so it was brutal to hear the poor thing whimpering in his kennel area in the kitchen. Mr. Wonderful and I were spooned up and he tried to help me cover my ears so I could fall asleep. It didn't really work, but eventually the whining stopped and I fell asleep....That is until it started again.

I was just about to get up and go back home and salvage what sleep I could, but realized that it would probably hurt Mr. Wonderful's feelings. So I threw a pillow over my head and tried to fall back asleep. The next time I woke up, I was surprised to hear silence. Then I look over at Mr. Wonderful's side of the bed, and realized he wasn't there.

It seemed Mr. Wonderful had given in and gone to appease the puppy with his presence for a bit. But he never came back to bed.

My alarm goes off super early so I can get up to go home and take my dog out. I throw on my clothes, and go out to the living room where I see Mr. Wonderful asleep on the couch with the puppy asleep on his stomach.

I crouch down to kiss him good morning/goodbye and whisper, "You softie!"
He wakes up and tells me, "No, I came out here to sleep with the puppy so you could get some sleep. I know you're a light sleeper."

I was a little caught off guard by that. He is way too sweet. Whenever I start to doubt him and me, and whether or not he still wants to be a him and me, he completely surprises me. As it turns out, I am kind of glad for the whining puppy. He gave Mr. Wonderful an opportunity to show me that he cares.

Why Allergens Can Suck It

Dear Allergens,

You may think you are clever, making my life hell for two weeks while I slowly lost my will to go on living.

You may have ruined my weekend, causing me to spend 48 hours in a horizontal position celebrating no more than 20 consecutive minutes of consciousness while all of my friends enjoyed an allergen-free weekend of debauchery.

You may even have caused me, in a moment of sheer weakness, to call my mother and ask for advice - a grave mistake ending in an hour long conversation about the perils of my lifestlye and my black, black soul.

BUT I FIT INTO MY JEANS AGAIN BECAUSE YOU KEPT ME FROM EATING MORE THAN TWO BITES OF ANYTHING FOR TWO WEEKS SO

SUCK

IT

ALLERGENS.

No Love,

Shoulders

Winner Winner

Not 5 minutes after my previous post, a daily email I subscribe to that talks about places around Dallas to eat, shop, go out and stuff sent me an email about where to go and what to do in Vegas.

I'm going to take that as a sign. Vegas, I will see you in two months!

Danny Gans 5

I haven't been feeling completely whole lately. I originally thought it was me missing home, but I have been back a few times since leaving, so I don't think that is really it.

But I got to thinking, and I really feel that what is missing in my life is Vegas.

We went in January of this year, and then again in April. I think my body was starting to get into a routine. It needs a Vegas jolt every three months, I have decided. And my last dose was due back in July.

So I have made some tentative plans with Vandy for either mid December or January. I really need at least one of these trips to come to fruition. If Vandy backs out, for my own sake I may have to just go by myself. You don't need another person to play craps. I mean, winning $700 at craps with your friends is a little more satisfying, but at this point I am desperate and will have to take what I can get.

Nouns thinks she may be able to swing the January trip. That would be awesome. If it were her, Vandy and me it would be our one year anniversary of the trip from last year. And that was a great trip.

Anyone want to take a day trip to the Indian casino a state away? Maybe that will hold off my withdrawls until December...

overheard in my office

-"quit being such a titty-baby"

-"maybe after your son comes home from his tour of duty he'll bring home one-a-them middle eastern brides" "i hope not, he's only 20!" "don't matter you won't see her cuz a that scarf they wear"

-"one of our clients is coming in from oklahoma on friday. nouns, you should take them out, i think you should date him. you could stand to get some."

- "[blah blah blah] COLONOSCOPY [blah blah blah]"

-"it IS pretty cold in here, at least thats what nouns' thermometers say"

- man: "your boobs don't look right in that bra. here, let me help you."

-"no your son shouldn't marry a middle easter woman, HE SHOULD MARRY NOUNS!"

considering these are direct quotes from the "professionals" i share an office building with on a single day, maybe we should consider getting an HR department?

uncalled for.

half a sleeve of saltines with my one bowl of soup? ridiculous.

I want my 9 minutes of sleep back

One of the Vandy boys came over to the Brothel last night, plopped down on the couch, and asks "What's up with you and Mr. Wonderful?"
Way to cut right to the chase. However, if I knew, I would have answered him. Mr. Wonderful made his first appearance on the blog back in mid-July. It is now October, and I am still clueless as to where we stand.
We had a talk (initiated by him) at the three week mark or so, where he informed me that because he had just gotten out of a serious relationship, he needed some time before getting back into a new relationship (when we met she was still in the process of moving out of their apartment, and boxes were still there the first time I went over there). So he said that what we couldn't progress past the point we were at, at least for the time being.
Well, it's two months later, and I feel like we are closer than we were at the three week mark, but I haven't had the balls to ask him about it.
Anyway, that was more of just an update and background for the next part of the story that happened this morning.
Crap. Another background type thing. So the other day I was at the dealership waiting on my car, and I decided to go through my pictures in my phone and choose pictures for for my friends' profiles to show up when they call. I probably did about 10-15 people. For Mr. Wonderful's I put a picture of me and him. Aww, so cute. Whatever. I also changed my background on my phone. It is a picture of Shoulders and me, from the same night as the picture I put of Mr. Wonderful and me on his profile.
So at 6:45 when my alarm on my phone went off this morning, Mr. Wonderful reached over to the nightstand (its on his side of the bed) to hand me my phone. I saw him do a double take at my phone. And my heart sank. I only saw part of the background picture and for some reason (it was early) I thought I had inadvertently put the picture of him and me as my background. So for my whole 9 minute snooze I just lay there wide awake trying to figure out how to play it off. Because what normal 26 year old guy, who is "just dating" a girl wants to see a coupley picture of them on the background on her phone? None.
I couldn't believe, later when I checked my phone background, that I had doubted myself. I am not the super mushy girl who gives the guy in her life a love song ringtone, or writes his name as her last name when she doodles. So I have no idea what the double take was for, I could have been imagining things. But atleast it wasn't because he got spooked.
So anyway, the talk will happen when it needs to. I am fine with just letting things play out, for now.

If at first you don't succeed...

Friday night Shoulders and I did some rollerblading and then went and caught a moive. We didn't really want a big night out, but Mr. Wonderdul happened to be out with some of his friends karaokeing. So we went and met up with them around 11:30.

Mr. Wonderful was doing his thing as usual. Being the life of the party. He sang some Justin Timberlake and bounced around all over the bar. That kid has more energy that an 8 week old lab. Which is like the cutest thing ever.

Shoulders was determined to stay sober, which I commend her for, and no matter how many attempts I made to send a drink her way, she turned me down. I however, somehow made it my mission to get wasted as quickly as possible. I ran up a $70 bar tab by the time we left only an hour and a half after arriving.

Initally, Mr. Wonderful and I were planning on going back to his place to sleep, so I gave my clicker and house key to Shoulders to go home with so she could get in.

Mr. Wonderful and I hop into his car and somehow we end up at my apartment. No idea when we changed our minds, but whatever. So now we have to wait for Shoulders to walk home from the bar bc she has my keys and thus the only way for us to get in.

So what do we decide to do while we wait? Talk about our hopes and dreams? Nah. Thumb wrestle? No way! Have sex at the front of his car? Yep. That is until people come in the garage and I quickly pull up my jeans and run over to the elevator so we can at least use their clicker to get to our floor.

As we are walking down our long "The Shining" like hallway Mr. Wonderful gets the genius idea to close the door that splits the hallway in half, that way we will be able to tell when Shoulders is coming. Basically a warning bc he knew when left with nothing to do, standing in the doorway of my apartment, we would get back to where we had left off at the front of his car.

We do, but I guess we didn't hear Shoulders open the door bc we didn't disengage until she called out to us, unlocked the door and quickly moved past us into the apartment. Oops - Shoulders was sober.

I guess at that stage in the evening I couldn't be bothered by much. We had made it inside, which was the goal, so yeah.

We finally made it to a bed to finish what we had started in front of the car, and at the doorway, and then according to Mr. Wonderful I passed out in the bed next to him. The next thing I know, I wake up naked on the dining room floor with a couch throw pillow under my head.

Anyone?
Yeah, me neither.

I have no idea how I got there or why I was there. But I hopped up and crawled into bed with Mr. Wonderful who rolled over to spoon with me like I had been there the whole time. Which is why he is so wonderful.

Needless to say, it was a very eventful night. Mostly fueled by the power hour and a half I seemed to have played with myself.

It weird though, some people might be ashamed of those type of transgressions. But I just think they are funny and use them to brighten people's days just a little bit. So I hope it did for you.

Nudie Magazine Day?

I always think of that line from Billy Madison when I think of October. Anywho...

Today is the Day of Birth of These Shoulders Don't Lie. In celebration, I drank at Next Door Neighbors until 1 am while she peacefully slept (read: confused herself texting two people while drunk).

When I left for work this morning she was wearing her birthday boots (the she "wears every year on her birthday") and I'm really looking forward to a repeat of last year's celebration at Campus Bar, because that ended well.

To be continued...