Maternity Test

I grew up in a divorced family as an only child where my mom's parents are uber conservative Presbyterians, my dad's parents are Catholics with 12 children and 47 grandchildren, and my step dad's parents are the epitome of backwoods east Texas. Needless to say I never really fit in. However, my mom likes to send me little daily reminders that there is pretty much no way we're blood related, or that she is the woman who raised me.

At about 5am a few days ago my cell phone goes off. I clumsily roll over to see what anyone could possibly be thinking contacting me at this hour, and it's an email from my mother. There is a link to a YouTube video. She sends these pretty often, sometimes they are conservative rants about illegal immigration, sometimes they are music videos (usually Nelly or Nickleback). This one happens to be 3 full minutes of some awful instrumental song and a video that appears to be a from camera she put on a tripod in front of the dog's cage yesterday. Riveting, let me tell you.

I scroll down a little further to find a note:

Here are some highlights from [dog 4 of 5]'s day. Due to the puppies, I won't be able to make it to Austin for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I talked to [grandma] about having Christmas in Houston instead. My wish list is attached, pass it on to her.
L,
Mom

Her list is an Excel spreadsheet that lists:
-Dress Barn Gift Card
-New Treadmill for Emily
-See last year's list

First, there is no need for a spreadsheet of 3 items. Second, Emily is not my overweight sister, she is my dog who at some point will have to have her back legs replaced with wheels. Third, Dress Barn?! There is no way we're related.