I'll Have the Nyquiltini Please

Rise and shine I did NOT this morning. Thats pretty much the norm for me anyway, but this time it was NOT booze induced (unfortunately). Conclusion: I'm getting sick.

I am typically one of those people who hates pills and won't see a doctor until I'm already dead. So where do I turn for my medical advice? My mother, among other things, is a nurse. Many people would lead you to believe that this is ideal. Your very own personal nurse? NO. THEY ARE WRONG. MY MOTHER IS NOT THAT KIND OF NURSE. She is the kind that spends her day adjusting insurance claims (that means she knows nothing about anything health related). Nevertheless she insists on diagnosing and treating me any time I feel ill. And by treating me I mean giving me some REALLY awful advice and praying for the Lord to heal me. It might go a little something like this:

Me: Hey Crazylady, I'm not feeling well, I have a cough, my throat is sore, and my eyes are itchy.

Crazylady: Oh, well, sounds like you have the Asian Bird Flu. Take a shower, have some gingerale and dry toast, and lie down with your left leg propped up. If that doesn't help, do some yoga, brush your teeth, and unload the dishwasher. If you still feel bad after that, eat a pickle and go to church ask Jesus for help, He'll know just what to do. I'll be praying for your black black soul, are you sure you aren't a lesbian?

This time I have decided to forgo the motherly advice and take matters into my own hands. Despite the fact that I have important things to do (ha!) I've taken some time to invent a cureall. The recipe is as follows:

• 1 Bottle Nyquil (for the coughing)
• 1 Can Gingerale (to make my mother happy)
• 2 Glasses Champagne (because I'm classy like that)
• 1 shot Vermouth (because I like the word Vermouth)
• The contents of 4 pill bottles with no labels that I found in my medicine cabinet (I am a habitual label peeler. Some say its because I am sexually frusterated. THEY ARE CORRECT)
• Tiny cocktail umbrella (for aesthetics)

If that doesn't cure me it will kill me and thats close enough - Do me a favor and call in 48 hours to see if I'm feeling better, if you just hear slurred words with no meaning, everything's fine, I've just been drinking. Here's to your health.


UPDATE: SOMEONE CALL 911. No wait I mean 411, I'm looking for a CiCi's Pizza, I want to call and ask who the hell decided it was a good idea to put macaroni and cheese on a pizza. I mean HONESTLY?

I Need a Ladder

Today my office is FREEZING.


I can't reach my vent to close it. I have no idea how I closed it this past winter. Everyone else is in a meeting (Read: I am not important to this company).


Life. Is. Bad.

A Day in My Life

Today I.....


1) Sweat through my cute work ensemble (yes, I dressed up today) and consequently look like Crisco-faced Renee Zellweger (see picture below) until I realized the reason it is so cold in my office is because I am the person who shut the vent this past winter to stay warm.



2) Realized I only have $162 dollars to my name. (It's worse than it sounds. I have more than that due in bills and I don't get paid again until Sunday -- which means I will have to limit my drinking this weekend - or wear something slutty and whore myself out for free drinks.)

3) Web MD'd my symptoms (I was legitimately sick on Monday) to find that swollen lymph nodes could mean I have a cold, strep throat, syphillis, lyme disease or.....cancer. Thank you, very helpful.

4) Received an invitation to my ex-sorority sister's shotgun wedding.......via facebook.


Must go to a bar before things get worse.

Breaking News: Church Gets Bored, Creates 7 New Ways to Damn You to Hell

The Vatican has just released this new list of additional deadly sins, because, hey, the first 7 just weren't judgey enough:

1.Polluting
2. Genetic engineering
3. Being obscenely rich
4. Drug dealing
5. Abortion
6. Pedophilia
7. Causing social injustice

Now, I'm fairly certain that the Pope was either drunk, or dared to make this new list. Which is fine, what good story doesn't start with "So the Pope and I had a couple of boilermakers, then you'll never guess what happened..." But come on sir, Polluting? I'm pretty sure that that funny little pope-mobile you drive around in emits SOME sort of pollutants. So there, you just condemned yourself. Way to go asshole.

My second favorite is being obscenely rich because that is just an obvious shot at Donald Trump. "What's that Trump, you say your wig is better than mine? Well get this! You are going to hell! HA!"

Seriously though, I wonder what got the Catholic curch all riled up? I think I'm going to write a strongly worded letter suggesting that they scratch that shit they just released and add this stuff instead:

1. Talking too loud when I have a hangover

2. Being a cast memeber of The Hills

3. Wearing a shirt when you are a hot man

4. Using the word "Canoodling"

5. Owning a cat

6. Saying anything negative about John Mayer

7. Blocking the booze aisle with your shopping cart while you and with your boyfriend debate who has a cuter nose on your cell phone while I'm just trying to get some damn wine so I can go home and get plastered while I watch the episode of Gilmore Girls I tivoed last night.

On second thought, the chick that I was thinking of when I wrote # 7 was already committing #1, and honestly probably #4 and #5, so I changed my mind.

7. Giving your kids a pair of those damn roller skate shoes then setting them free in Marshalls.

I'm really good at this. I should invent a new religion - I'm gonna work on that tonight. That or get drunk. We shall see my friend, we shall see.

The fact that I share DNA with my mother and she's capable of sending this email means I'll never get a date.

News reported by Charm:

Mom didn't forget Jesse's birthday!! Look at how happy Jesse is that he got a present!

Jesse took his present to his favorite seat on the couch to open it

Inside, Jesse found a Mallard duck! His favorite toy! (Tanzy and I shredded his old one)

Then he found a new frisbee!! well, that didn't last long...Tanzy killed it. - I didn't even get a chance to play with it!

He also found a whole bag of Snausages! ( I love those, I hope he shares )

So see, Jesse had a great Birthday!!

An Open Letter to sale-598531176@craigslist.org

For a little context, here is the accompanying post:

Dimensions are: 20"Wide x 31"Long x 31"Tall Appraised at $169. Retail, several years ago. Table was in a Nolan Ryan Gatorade TV Commercial a couple of years ago. Was told this increased the table's value.

Dear sale-598531176@craigslist.org,

Whoever told you that that table was in a commercial with Nolan Ryan lied to you, took way more of your money than needed, then laughed at you while they told all of your friends how STUPID you are over a beer. Good luck selling this thing, you'd probably be better off trying to trade for magic beans.

That being said - I'm frantically trying to contact you right now. I MUST HAVE THIS UNDENIABLE PIECE OF NOLAN RYAN HISTORY!! I'm kind of broke though, so how about I just give you a picture of me and let you tell your friends we kissed once? Something about this ad makes me think that would be appealing to you. I can't wait to tell everyone I know that I have a table that was once in proximity to Nolan Ryan in a COMMERCIAL..... I'm gonna feel like the prettiest girl at the prom.

Love Always,

TSDL

P.S. For future reference, "beat to hell" does not equal "antique."