Done and Done

Well, I am pretty drunk from my engineering happy hour. We had our final class today, and as I posted earlier our senior design project was due yesterday. So now I am done with that!

Our professor set up a free happy hour for us at the posse. OK, so you're like happy hour...that's cool, whatever. No, this was free free. Like as many pitchers as we wanted free.

I was bored with all of the engineering boys. Obviously. So I had Venus come and have a drink (no engineering dude is going to object to giving more girls free drinks) so we could talk about Bahama. She discussed the status of their situation. I'm kind of in the same boat with Bed Maker. We like to plan our evenings ahead of time. So a notification of a date would be preferred before the day of.

Then she showed me the bruises...oh my lord the bruises. She may have been drunk when "the biter" attacked, haha. But they had to have hurt. They covered her upper arm.

Then I left Venus to go to the bathroom. While I was there, one of my engineering "buddies", who I left Venus to talk to, tells her "Name and I would have dated if the timing had been right". HAHAHAHA No way. Never ever. I can't even explain him, but we're going to name him Tae Kwan Do, if that gives you any sort of picture. Nice guy, but seriously no way.

Now I am home, about to get ready to go experience the glow in the dark tour! We shall see.

Hott Dad update: Texted back and forth about some kickball stuff the night after I played with him and Hott Dad baby, but I was short with him because I had so much to do. Nothing since...oops. Looks like he is sensitive.

Bed Maker update: Nothing since he dropped me off at my rain soaked car and laughed at me. I'm hoping he calls tomorrow, otherwise I am going to have to explain how he is a computer science nerd and I am way too good for him. But for now, he made me pancakes and I really want to go out on a date with him..

An update on all the crap I had to do: DONE! I cranked it out today and yesterday and am completely done. I knew if I wanted to drink today/tonight I would need to get everything done ahead of time. Crazy what the motivation of alcohol will cause one to do.

Who needs an A?

I have been slacking to the extreme.

I called into work and took off all of last week. I just called my boss on her cell to tell her I can't come in tomorrow. Glad I got her message machine for that call... Too bad I am amazing and they love me. I come and only work two days a week and I don't have a specific start or end time and I wear gym clothes, and I have usually just worked out. The real world is going to kick my ass.

I have a test tomorrow at 8 am, that I have barely brushed the surface on reading for.

My SENIOR DESIGN PROJECT (for which I am the team leader) is due tomorrow at Noon, and I peaced out on my team today to go give another lesson. Hott Dad showed up at the end of my lesson with the Hott Dad baby to work on her pitching. I stopped by after my lesson to visit (flirt shamelessly) and give Hott Dad baby some pitching tips. Just FYI I would be an amazing stepmom...ha.

I have another test at 9:30 am Wednesday and still have not read 6 of the 9 chapters.

I have a research paper due Thursday at 8 am and I have not written a single word to fill up the 8 pages required.

And with all of this, what do I decide to do? Blog. You can all see where my head is at. Basically I can not wait for Thursday at 8 am.

I mean come on, who needs an A? Screw that, who needs a B? All I need to do is pass. I already have a job and they love me for my drunk self. As was shown when they threw a happy hour together for Noun's and my visit to Dallas.

Some of the Contents of my Purse Today

1. Wallet, devoid of any money, and with two sad, abused credit cards hiding inside.

2. Can of soup. My car is currently non-functioning so I walked to work this morning (across a major highway) and brought my own lunch, the fact that I haven't eaten it by now means I'm probably not going to.

3. Keys to my house and car (reunited and it feels so good).

4. Several bags of Tazo Tea. It is typically about 16 degrees in our office and I make tea frequently and hold the cup in my hands until they defrost enough to type a little.

5. Two pairs of Forever 21 Sunglasses, because three would just be overkill.

6. Enough pennies to fill a sock. I would then use said sock to do some serious damage to Karen's phone. She chatted someone up for 20 minutes earlier, hung up and said "what the hell was that guy talking about."

7. And now we come to the best part - A strapless bra. I don't know why or how this got in my purse. I took it off in the back of Nouns' car because it was annoying the crap out of me, but I was digging through my purse looking for my cell phone earlier and I pulled it out and sat it on the desk.

That is exactly when my boss happened to walk in.

Can my life get any better?

No Money in tha Bank....I Need a DRANK!

Things I neglected to do last week:

-Order my cap/gown and grad announcements. This sacred event occurs in 3 weeks and likely should have been done oh....about 2 months ago.

-Pay my gas and cable bills. Not to mention I need to write LC a check for the electric and water. (LC - if you are reading this...you are a SAINT. Anyone else would have bitch-slapped the shit out of me. My turn to clean the bathroom. I deserve it.)

-My marketing homework.

-Work-out. (You're probably thinking....oh, shut up. People neglect to work out all of the time. But, those people probably don't drink 2,500 calories of booze on any given night. PLUS, I pay for a work-out class that I just chose to skip for the week. Read: Lighting money on fire.)

-Some shit for the sorority. The standards chair keeps emailing me so I guess I'm in trouble. Can't really pinpoint exactly what it is for -- I do too many bad things.

Anyway, I had probably the best sleep of my life last night. Likely because I never really slept this weekend. Passed out, sure. Slept, no. As a result I woke up this morning resolving to do better and be good this week.

Then I got to work.....

Keep in mind that I have had this job for 2 years and I have about 2 weeks left to work here. So, as you can imagine I am beyond sick of it. I have some seriously ADD tendencies and sitting in front of TWO computer screens for 7 hours straight makes me want to kick puppies. (Sorry, LC.)

I sit down at my desk and realize that I forgot to turn in my time sheet on Friday. (SHIT, FUCK, DAMN!!) I quickly fill it out and hit print. Strut my happy little ass down to the printer to find the IT guy standing there with the plug in his hand.

"Oh.....yeah....I'm working on the printers."

Great, wonderful. Nice of you to inform the people who use the printers 7,864 times a day. Superb social skills.

I go talk to the lady who does payroll. She has just finished. She will not accept my time sheet. MY LIFE IS BAD. (Guess my credit card will be getting some serious action for the next 2 weeks.)

I go back to my computer so that I can rant to Shoulders via gchat -- not connected to the internet. Apparently the IT guy has moved on from the printers to just generally fucking up my life.

Then, my "boss" starts poking her head in all of the offices. There are three of us who are college interns here. She used to be one and now works full time (Read: Power Trip). She stops in the office next to me and says, "We have some investors coming in today so you girls need to BE ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR."

I am already annoyed and she hasn't even said this to me. I am not a child and I'm pretty sure that I can figure out that if a bunch of dudes in suits that I've never seen before strut in the door (conveniently located right behind me), I should probably not yell about my weekend debauchery over the cubicle walls. Despite being wildly inappropriate downtown and via this blog, I actually have a pretty firm grasp on manners and social norms.

She stops in my office and in a whiny voice says "Name....."

I don't even turn around to look at her and before she can even go any further I just respond. "Yes, I heard."

She scampers off. Score one for me.

Needless to say, on the whole, this morning blows. One of my fellow interns is just as annoyed as I am. How to remedy the situation? Drinks at lunch. We really have no other choice.




As for the shit I didn't do last week....it can wait until tomorrow. I can't really be expected to overexert myself under this kind of stress can I? I didn't think so.





P.S. -- Some girl just came in for an interview.....WEARING JEANS AND A SWEATER. Jeez...let's talk wildly inappropriate. GET A CLUE.

She's Getting Married, I'm Getting Drunk

As stated before, I hosted my best friend from highschool's bachelorette party this weekend. Despite a rocky start (namely me being too drunk to function when they got in to town) we ended up having a really good time. A few highlights:

- I hired a female stripper to come teach us how to give lap dances. I would highly recommend this.

- After dinner, most of us were drunk, I was drunk enough for those who weren't. We decided to go to an adult store. It was my first time to go there and I was AMAZED at the number of creepy men perusing the porn section. I was even more shocked that 12 really attractive and really drunk girls stumbled in and they didn't even look up. Maybe there is some type of etiquette involved here?

- I bought a "Bachelorette Bar Challenge Game" (this is important to the plot later)

- We continue to drink and then head downtown... at 10:50. We were pretty much the only people in the first few bars that we went to. Now, The Future Mrs. W has the tolerance of, oh, Dakota Fanning so when she takes 3 shots in the first 4 minutes I start to get a little concerned. But she surprisingly held her own all night. We did have to stay up talking for at least an hour after we got home while I made her a few glasses of ice water because she couldn't close her eyes.

- I met a guy in Aquarium who's name was Kip. He told me he owned the bar, I told him I was a professional scuba diving instructor. He ate it up.

- We start playing this card game, and I am certain that there are some rules involved, but it is basically a deck of cards that say things like "find a man wearing tighty whities," "get a lap dance from a stranger," and then some cards just have shots on them. But several of the cards are really stupid and I was pissed because I spent $8 on this game. So anytime someone pulls a card that I think is stupid I say "give me that, its garbage" and throw it over my shoulder. I referred to this as "trimming the fat" the bachelorettes LOVED it. When we got home I had 2 cards left. I guess I messed with Texas last night, my apologies.

- At some point the pimp from Sapphire approaches us. I make him draw a card, it says "get a stranger to buy you a drink." I feel like it is destiny and we follow him to the bar. He was trying to get us to go to some secluded VIP area in the back but first The Future Mrs. W. spotted a Bachelor who she must have said was "SO HOT" at least 495 times. I make him pull a card. It says "get a stranger to serenade you." I look at this guy and all of his friends are wearing Top Gun shirts. I have a brilliant idea. I start screaming at all of them that they have to sing "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" to her. They all kind of shy away. I grab the card and hold it in his face and scream "YOU HAVE TO, THE CARD SAYS SO, YOU HAVE TO SING TO HER NOW, DON'T BE A VAGINA." At last they give in. Then they buy me a shot, and tell me I am awesome. I already know this.

- I came to find out later that they had a list of things to do and that was #1, which means they had clearly practiced it beforehand. Thats cute I guess, if your idea of a good time is watching Telletubbies and holding hands or something.

- We went back to that secluded VIP lounge where the girls decide to practice what we learned in our striptease class earlier. I was talking to the bartender and he was literally staring straight past me where 11 attractive girls were all humping each other with his mouth hanging open. He calls over every other male that works in the bar and they do the same. He says "if you guys keep this up, I'm going to have to buy you shots." Needless to say, we had shots.

- On our way out of Sapphire we passed Top Gun Bachelor again and he grabbed another one of the blond girls at our party and said something to the effect of "It was really fun singing to you, I hope you get married good, you know, really good." (translation: "I am drunk, and scared shitless of only having sex with one person for the rest of my life, want to bone?). This guy couldn't even remember who he had been talking to earlier. And the Future Mrs. W was wearing a sash that said Bride to Be on it. He has good friends.

Everything else was pretty typical for a bachelorette party. The Future Mrs. W got a lap dance from someone at Pure, she also met an exchange student from Argentina that she fell in love with. It was a girl. She molested my Austin friends and screamed at them that "NONE OF YOU ARE [SHOULDERS'] REAL FRIENDS I AM HER BEST FRIEND AND YOU ARE NOT" then we went home.

This morning, one of the attendees told me that anytime we pulled a shot card we gave them to strangers, and they were taking them to the bar and redeeming them like freaking drink tickets. Apparently I am a 6th Street goddess and whatever I say goes.

Currently I am recovering from being drunk for over 24 hours in a row, there are penises and half empty drinks scattered all over my apartment and I still don't have my keys. So all in all its been a successful weekend.

Pancakes

This is going to be short and sweet, mainly because I don't remember much of the rest of the night.

We made it down town. Rode in the trunk of an SUV with nouns. Real classy. Kept trying to figure out where Venus was, eventually I saw her. We were both trying to be good and not text Pierre and Little Spoon. I was weak and sent a "long time not talk" message. Got a "what u doing" back an hour later and to which I responded "drinking. I miss you". I suck.

But at some point that evening I found a man to take my mind off of Little Spoon. Its not that I really like LS, I just like male attention.

So let me tell you about the object of my affection for the evening - Bed Maker (explained later). He doesn't drink. Crazy, I know. I meet a man at a bar who doesn't drink. He may not like drinking, but he must love drunk messes (aka me) because we woke up and he made me pancakes and sausage.

As we were eating our breakfast we got into tales from the night before, because I remember nothing..NOTHING. I couldn't even tell you this kid's name. He told me of the "questions" all of the boys he took home were asking me. He couldn't give me one example other than "do you like it in the front or back" that wasn't too raunchy for breakfast banter. Good stuff.

So we finish breakfast. I go to the bathroom and when I get back to his room he is making his bed. Are you kidding me? I could not believe it. I told him I had no idea he was a bed maker.

I put my clothes back on and he drives me to my car. As we get nearer I notice my sunroof is cracked open. Fine normally, no one can steal shit out of a crack, but it rained this morning. A lot. He pulls over to let me out of the car and bed maker proceeds to get out as well just so he can see the damage and laugh at me. I love him already. We find a puddle and everything inside is damp. Gross muggy damp.

To finish things, bed maker got my number and asked me out for Thursday night. So we will see about that.

True Story

An actual series of text messages from yesterday that aptly describes the relationship I have with Venus:

TSDL: "I am such a fuck up everyone hates me here I need you and a drink" sent at 1:43 PM

VFS: "I am drunk." recieved at 2:08 PM

TSDL: "I have won them over with booze and my wit" sent at 4:27 PM

VFS: "Im wasted" recieved at 4:37 PM

Hello Vodka, Its me GP

Hello world! This is my first post and I want to thank venus, nouns and TSDL for inviting me to be a part. Now that that is out of the way..I have much to say.

Let me first tell you about Hott Dad. He is just that, a hot dad. He is 35, has an eight year old daughter, and I had a date with him last night.

I'm getting ahead of myself. I coach little girls kickball. So does Hott Dad. Our teams played eachother last week and we made a bet that whoever loses has to buy the one dinner. Obviously a clever ploy by HD to finally get to take this hot piece of ass out to dinner.

So I lost last week, don't even get me started. I hate hate hate to lose. You will learn this about me, I am the most competitive person ever....EVER. That may be why I drink so much, I don't want to be the one to stop first.

Because I lost I had to buy dinner.

So Hott Dad picks me up in his dad car (Toyota) and as soon as I get in he reaches to the backseat for something. I'm thinking....flowers? This is a date. No. Not flowers. Its a six pack of mini coors. Mini like the 8 oz little cokes kids have these days. WTF? So I say whatever and throw one back that gets to play in my tummy with the margarita I made for myself at the house before HD picked me up. Obviously.

Finish the beer very quickly..it was mini. Why would anyone want less beer? Tall boys I understand. This mini stuff..not so much. Anyway, drove to dinner and there was a wait. So we got more drinks. Mexican martini for me, marg rocks no salt for him.

He's a good conversationalist. I'll give him that. He was witty and he fought back. If you want to win my heart all you have to do is fight with me. I am sarcastic and cutting, don't take it personally dish it back. You'll be so much more of a man for it. And Hott Dad is a man who could dish it back.

We get our table and order Bob Armstrong dip. You have to at Matt's. This stuff is good. Its Queso on steriods. Cycle 10 maybe? Anyway, we couldn't decide what to order. Then HD comes up with the genius idea to get two things and split them. So we each get different tacos and trade one each when they come. We are the cutest couple already..

Forgot to include the drinks at dinner. Marg rocks salf for me, Coors and a sweet tea for HD. I mean I get sweet tea and vodka, right nouns? But coors? Come on HD I thought you were cooler than that.

Up until this point I hadn't really been paying attention to others around me. I couldn't keep my eyes off HD. I mean he is really hot. But once I look around I find a gold mine..

Realtor is at the table right next to me. I have shacked with realtor, gone home from my best guy friend's sister's wedding with realtor's brother, dated realtor's cousin in law and plan on marrying realtor's cousin - who noun's gotten together with if you get my drift. Basically I own the men of that family.

So we finish dinner and I tell HD I need to say hi to my "friend". So HD goes off and waits by the front door like a good little boy while I talk to realtor. I say hi, how are you..all the akward rando stuff. Find out he is coming to my graduation party in two weeks. Oops. I guess it never crossed my mind that when I throw a joint graduation party with realtor's cousin, realtor might also be there. So lets all look forward to that.

Well HD drives me home and I look at the clock kinda pissed that its 9:30. He was starting to cut into my drinking time. I was almost thinking about cracking open another Coors. But 8 oz is not worth my effort. We talk about our weeks, figuring out when we will see eachother again. I have a lesson on Monday (I get paid to give private kickball lessons - I rule) and HD said he would come by and visit. Read he loves me. We play eachother again in two weeks so we've made the same bet but different place. Don't know where yet.

Completely new part of the evening with a completely different vibe:

Take off the cami I have under my dress to keep what cleavage I have tamed so as not to distract HD and head to Noun's for more drinking of course. Throw a beer in my passenger seat and I'm off.

Park in BFE and walk to Noun's. Luckily I have my beer to keep me occupied on the walk. Get to Nouns. We are sitting around waiting for our ride downtown and I'm bored so I make myself another drink. Pour the rando rum in the can and add a splash of diet pepsi and we're good to go.

Break time. The rest of my night, which is on the level of HD date, but with more booze, to come shortly.

I Love Guns.

I can't believe that this hasn't been addressed yet, but let it be known that I am an NRA-lovin, gun-toteing hardcore conservative Republican.

In any case, despite that fact, I'm not really that political.....I just love being extreme, and I agree with everything W does (Duh).  

One night.....many weeks ago, I got drunk (surprise, surprise).  Anywho, I found my finance-class friend (he was in MY bar....yes, MY BAR) and we started talking politics (something I NEVER do....EVERRRR).  Something else you don't know about me.....I was born in Canada.  So naturally, I think Obama is a straight up foolio.  Why you say??  Lets just talk...nationalized healthcare.  Anyone who thinks THAT is a good idea has no idea what they are talking about.  My grandparents pay out the ass to fly to the U.S. to get quality healthcare.  RIDIC.  So back to the point.....My FCF is a bleeding heart liberal.  I start talking "outta my neck" at MY BAR.  We get on the topic of politics and I tell him this:

"Look.....as much as presidential candidates talk about social issues like gay rights and abortion and what not....that is BULLSHIT.  No one actually does a damn thing about that once in office.  It's all about the economics (I'm a finance minor.  Read:  Genius.)"

So, I continue to (very drunkenly) elaborate on the nationalized healthcare issues and taxes (which I hate) and what not.  (I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT AT THIS POINT).  I don't know where the convo goes after that.....my bartender at MY BAR gives me shots and all goes south.  

But, here's the point (or the climax as Shoulders would say).  I actually went to class on Tuesday and in all seriousness FCF says to me....

"I have been thinking a lot about what you said the other night.  You need to tell me more about nationalized healthcare.  Now that I think about what you said more I am really thinking about voting for McCain."

I'm drunk so I don't really know how to finish this post ($5 bottomless mimosas).  But, here's what I'm trying to convey via this post......

I AM THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE WORLD.   (Anyone who disagrees is obvi W-R-O-N-G.)

I am ALWAYS right.   

I LOVE MY LIFE.  

Fin.  

Satan in a Squirrel Suit

As I write this, I am STILL drunk, curled up in Lyrical Cabbage's bed giggling like a school girl.

Any ladies out there excluding the people who now write for this blog should know this about me.

You do not want me in your wedding. I am just going to get drunk and fuck shit up.

PROMISE.

Case in point. Tonight I am hosting my best friend from highschool's bachelorette party at my apartment and in my city. All of the guests drove over 2 hours to get there. And what did I decide to do last night? Drink a fifth of vodka and be a belligerent mess.

I get a call from Venus at about 5:45. I got off work at 5:30. She says something to the effect of "blah blah blah, I need booze, blah blah." So I shower and drive to her house. While in transit, I get call from Nouns that goes a little something like this "blah blah blah, I'm already drunk, blah blah, case of beer, blah blah." You can see where I'm going with this.

Venus and I go to Nouns' apartment and get housed on some weird leftover vodka (at one point we had some Raspberry Absolute that we put in a blender with raspberry sorbet and made "vodka smoothie shots"). The Guinea Pig (who is now a writer for this blessed piece of non-fiction) is there, in full force and is texting lil' spoon.

We get downtown and head to our regular haunt where none of us get carded because we live there. Venus is DONE. I was drinking her drinks on the sly, but I don't think she would have noticed.

The typical debauchery ensues. I crash at Nouns' house and I DO mean crash. I woke up this morning, still drunk (there were jello shots involved). Nouns drives me to LC and Venus' house. I pull out my phone to call LC and it dies. Don't worry, it gets worse.

I sit on the front porch giggling and thinking I am screwed. At this point I am CERTAIN that my keys are in Venus & LC's house. Make note of that, it's important to the story line. The whole time, I'm thinking my best friend is already in Austin, waiting on me, and I have no way to contact her - In short, I am going to hell. About this time a squirrel arrives. This squirrel belongs to the devil. I am certain.

This squirrel wants me to die. He is holding a big fat nut and he drops it. The squirrel KNOWS that this is somehow my fault. He stares at me unwaveringly and hates every ounce of my being. It was a serious confrontation.

Me: "Ahh, go away squirrel"

Squirrel continues giving me the evil eye

Me: "Seriously, I did nothing"

Squirrel continues giving me the evil eye

Me: "Ok, you win, I'm going across the street."

So I sit across the street for a bit and decide that I am going to walk back to Nouns house and beg her roommate to drive me home. I have no key to my house.

I stumble to a stoplight at 11 AM and stand there. I might have been swaying a little (thanks, Jello shot). I look to the right and I see LC's car pull in. Yahtzee! I am saved. I run through their house and frantically search for my purse with my keys in it. Its a no go. So it dawns on me: My purse isn't at their house at all, I left it at Nouns apartment. LC is kind enough to drive me there and I scamper upstairs to find the door locked. BAD THINGS.

I could carry this story on, but here is the point. My keys are in the back of Nouns car while she toils away at Nordie. My friends are in town, driving around aimlessly because I have no keys.

I once gave a spare to Venus. She told me she lost it the other day. I call her on LC's phone and she says "What do you want, I am getting drunk." She has no time for me. Finally she agrees to "chug another mimosa" and meet me with my key. I haven't cleaned my apartment, I haven't planned anything. I am a bad friend.

Lyrical Cabbage just gave me a beer. All is right with the world.

How Sin City Confirmed I Have No Soul: Part 2

At this point, I should mention that I went downtown last night and poured various types and amounts of alcohol down my throat, so that pesky little thing we like to call "sobriety" is no longer a problem for me. However, I promised to relay my second favorite moment of our trip and so I shall!

ACT I

Setting: Tao Beach

A group of men from various parts of the country are having the "crunkest" time ever. Little do they know what awaits them.

ACT II

Setting: The hottest cabana at Bare where the Vodka is flowing like... well... free Vodka.

Several drinks are had, millions of pictures are taken, and the most stellar updo I have ever seen emerges. Good times were had by all. Little do we know what awaits us.

ACT III

Setting: The dance floor at Moon

A dear personal friend who will be referred to as "Guinea Pig" from here on out and I return from getting drinks to observe the scene. There is a big dance floor lined with tables and I see the tallest man I have ever seen in my life wearing a Vineyard Vines shirt. I immediately know that these are our people. GP and I stand around for awhile when we are joined by the rest of the group. The rest of the group positions themselves right next to these guys in a way that can only confirm... these are our people. I leave for the ladies room, and when I come back Venus grabs me.

VFS: "WE MET THESE GUYS, THEY WANT TO TAKE US TO BODY ENGLISH, THEY KNOW SOMEONE FAMOUS"

TSDL: "Okay"

(I don't do well with peer pressure)

She drags me over and I immediately realize, everyone is already buddied up. So I do the only logical thing, throw my straw over my shoulder and pour my drink straight down my throat. If there had been a faster way to get it in my system I would have done it. I always say, if you can't beat 'em... get hammered.

About this time, Venus starts to look a little like Amy Winehouse.... I'm beginning to think something is wrong. Then she does something ELSE I have never seen her do before and orders a WATER from the bar. Now I KNOW something is VERY wrong. We later found out she had food poisoning which is evidently nothing like mint poisoning.

I think it is important at this moment to give you a full picture of just who "Our People" are:

The Little Spoon: This guy has got to be at least 8 feet tall, sweating all over the place and bouncing around like a 12 year old watching his favorite Barney video - in a word, precious. And the only other thing I know about him is that his friends immediately told me "he has never had a girlfriend." Clearly, GP was all over that. His nickname is derived from the fact that later in the night he made GP be the big spoon HE WAS 8 FEET TALL.

Pierre: Pierre was VERY attractive, and also a douche. A combination often found in nature. Pierre's friends just kept asking him "why did you do your hair like that?" Spawning the catch phrase "Pierre's Hair." Venus was originally on top of that shit until food poisoning made her its bitch and she had to go home.

The Suckiest Guy I've EVER Met: This guy was definitively the suckiest guy I have ever met.

He was in Vegas, not drinking, standing around and pouting. I stumbled over and said "Do you ever have a good time" his answer was quite predictably "No."

Then for good measure throw in a guido and some guy in a blazer.

This brings us to the climax. (I love when that happens)

There is one of "Our People" I have yet to describe. I call him Dibbs, some call him Pooh Bear. Dibbs was a really nice guy, fun to talk to (although in all fairness when the Vodka kicks in there are very few people I don't enjoy talking to), and bought me 2 drinks so he is automatically okay in my book. However, he was rather unfortunate looking. If I had to describe him physically in 10 words all 10 would be "bug-eyed." As I mentioned before, everyone was paired up and I was disinterested in any of them because my date for the evening (booze) was treating me well.

We decide to take a limo to Body English - I'm taking pictures all over the place in the limo and generally having a good time. I lean in for a picture with Dibbs then lean over to take a picture with NounsAboutMe when it happens.

Nouns grabs my arm with surprising force and a look in her eyes that says "I kill puppies for fun in front of small children" and says:

"THAT ONE IS MINE, DON'T EVEN FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT"

Did I mention this guy looks like a goldfish? Oh Vodka, the silly things you make us do.

I can't really judge her though, I later stumbled up to a complete stranger and said something to the effect of "Hey you take me home now." Thus is my life.

How Sin City Confirmed I Have No Soul

I think it's probably a good idea to acknowledge at this point that we got back to Austin on Monday and I am just now sober enough to write this account of my activities in Vegas. I don't want to drone on about how great it was, I'd much rather focus on what was my favorite moment of the trip (I'll add a post about my second favorite moment later).

ACT I

Setting: Airplane

Two hour flight, three drinks that can only be referred to as "a cup of vodka." Thank you mysterious flight attendant. I love you.

ACT II

Setting: Standing outside Pure directly in front of the door, staring at the line and knowing we don't belong there.

We quickly learned that if 6 attractive young women just stand around long enough, lots of men are willing to pour copious amounts of Vodka down their throats.

ACT III

Setting: Revolution

We then headed over to Revolution where we were again pimped out to a table of guys where the BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE would shortly follow.

Now if you have been reading this blog you know that Venus Fly Slap is anything BUT your typical, sweet, southern girl. She's got a mouth like a sailor and an attitude like, well, me. Sarcastic, cynical, bitchy, etc. So needless to say, she is WAY too good for most of the human species and seeing her find anyone remotely worthy of her time is a rarity.

Well after 2 bottles of vodka (most of which went in my mouth), she takes a liking to one of the gentlemen at the table. (I had to be told all of this later because I was too busy sucking the face off of someone at the table - classy, I know). Venus is in LOVE. I have 2 favorite moments in this instance:

SCENE I

Setting: Table in Revolution

VFS: "So what do you do?"

(keep in mind that they all worked in bonds)

Love of Venus: "I'm a writer"

Skinny Drew Carey: "It's true, he is."

VFS: "Oh, really (eyes shining, heart melting), what do you write about?"

Love of Venus: "Billiards"

And she ate that shit up. Loved every minute of it.

SCENE II

Setting: Cab line

As we stumble out of Revolution, I am engrossed in a "conversation" (read: tongue wrestling competition) with my new friend and I look up for a moment and stop DEAD IN MY TRACKS. I am fairly certain that my new friend fully believed that I was either having a coronary or going to throw up (both safe assumptions considering my BAC at that very moment). Why was I in cardiac arrest one might ask? VENUS FLY SLAP IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH HER ARM AROUND THIS GUY.

Tonsil Hockey Player: "Are you OK?"

TSDL: "Huh? Are you seeing this?"

THP: "Yeah, and?"

TSDL: "NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND"

THP: "What are you talking about?"

TSDL: "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND"

(more kissing)

I have NEVER in all my 22 years seen anything like it. So we get in a cab, head home, I am still in shock. Go upstairs, change into pajamas. I come out of the bathroom and Venus' new love is on the phone.

Love of Venus" "What? Wait? Where are you guys? Yeah I'm leaving. Why? Well I wanted to make out with this girl, but she passed out. (giggling)"

I look over at the couch and lo and behold. There is Venus, sprawled out in a sorority t-shirt and some Victorias Secret pants. I was fairly certain that she was faking so I started saying ridiculous things to try and get her to giggle and give away her game. Its a no go, so I decide for once in my life to be nice.

I feed the poor sap some vodka and water (we didn't have any mixers) then kindly suggested, maybe you should get a cab somewhere else?

ACT IV

Setting: Sitting fully clothed in our hotel bathtub with Venus

The next morning while reviewing my pictures I realized I managed to snap a picture of said incident as well as plenty of other embarrassing candids. And when Venus sees the picture she FLIPS.

VFS: "YOU CANNOT PUT THAT ON FACEBOOK."

I could have showed her a picture of her giving the Pope the finger and it could have gone on Facebook, but with this one, where she looks like a decent human being she was concerned that "PEOPLE MIGHT SEE THAT!!!"

CURTAIN

Just When I Think Life is Really Bleak, I Get to LMFAO at Work

Today has been pretty bad. Karen has been gone for quite a bit of the day, which would normally be a good thing, but unfortunately, Karen either didn't know or didn't care to press the "do not disturb" button on the phone. So its been ringing non-stop. When she gets back she listens to her voicemails, interjecting obscene comments like

"I have no idea what this douche bag is talking about, I don't know how to do my job."

and

"You actually expect me to work, HA!"

Did I mention that Karen is EXTREMELY loud? She shares an office with me and two other people and insists on yelling into the phone at all times. Often using the words "dear" and "thanks much" both of which are slowly draining my will to live. Then she sat around and yelled and laughed at people on the phone for awhile longer before leaving at 4:00. I will be here until 6:00.

On other fronts:

- I spent about half of my day contacting 113 websites such as "stupidfartvideos.com" and "frenchmaidtv.com." All of which could have been done by a trained chimp. And I'm not talking one of those chimps who knows sign language, just a standard chimp who knows how to push buttons.

-I went to the doctor yesterday against my will and what did she have to say? Allergies. What did she have to prescribe? An over-the-counter allergy medicine. I might as well have just lit $50 on fire and waved it in the air until it burnt my hand. Would have been a more pleasurable experience.

- I normally spend a good portion of my day chatting with NounsAboutMe and Venus Fly Slap, but Nouns is being Nordstrom's bitch today and Venus is being held hostage by a group project, so instead I just set my away message to "Waiting for Booze O'Clock" and plodded on.

All of this adds up to a pretty shitty day if you ask me, UNTIL... in my regular blog route (Start with dlisted.com, head over to Perezhilton.com, check out the superficial.com then swing by geekologie.com and iwatchstuff.com) I stumbled upon this gem.



BAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHA!

This kid got himself stuck in the claw machine because he wanted a SpongeBob toy! What an idiot! Who are these kids parents? Mr. & Mrs. Dumbshit?


Oh life, sometimes you beat me down just so I remember to appreciate the simple things.

Style Icon: Hot Tranny Mess

In honor of our trip to the "Tranniest Town in the World," I've decided to feature the Hot Tranny Mess as the style icon this week. I mean, OK, so you are a man, who likes to dress like a woman - fair enough. But why stop there? Why not dress like the whoreiest whore of a woman you can? Pounds of makeup to cover that 5 o'clock shadow, a few waterbaloons filled with pudding, and more bling than Fiddy Cent. Now THATS how you do Hot Tranny Mess. I can only imagine the years of trying on your mommy's clothes in secret that led up to this event. If nothing else, they put in more effort than a non-tranny mess and THAT is why a Hot Tranny Mess is a style icon for all.

Update: We saw a tranny at In-and-Out (and no, the irony is not lost on me) but I FOR ONCE didn't have a camera. Plus he/she was VERY tall and could have beat me to a pulp.

Open letter to American Idol

Dear American Idol,
I am over Brooke White's lame ass. Strap her to a couch and make her ass watch a rated R movie and while she's defenseless, wipe that shit-eating grin off her face. Also, go ahead and kick David Archuwhatever off. He's squinty and weird and kind of scares me. I don't think that's idol-ish. After you get rid of those two clowns, bring back Micheal Johns. Lord knows I need MJ around for some eye candy because everyone else (except Dreds who I'm on the fence about) has a face only a mother could love.
In short, trim the fat, keep the hottness.
Warm wishes and V-Neck Sweaters (for Simon of course),
NounsAboutMe

"I'd tap that."

I know that this is really obvious, but with the return of The Office it had to be done. Plus I hear his new movie is pretty lame so I thought we would throw him a bone.

John Krasinski

Asshat of the Week

Debbie Downer

Every one has that one friend who is always shitting all over everything in their life, I happen to have 2 (because God has a sense of humor). This is for the douche nozzle who is always treating you like they treat their 4 year old, telling you that drinking a 5th of vodka on a wednesday is "inappropriate" for a college graduate, or reminding you how many calories are in a beer when you're halfway through your second pitcher of Coors. The best way to combat the "Debbie" in your life?

1. Stare blankly when they speak, eventually they will catch on that you don't give a shit.

2. Finish that pitcher of Coors, and order a third

3. Remember Debbie sucks at life and has no fun, and you suck at life and have a little fun, and a large drinking problem (simple math says you win)

4. NO ONE likes Debbie, and at least people pretend to like you because when you drink enough you start buying other people EVERYTHING and making out with anyone in a 10 foot radius.

This hurts me.

See http://popsugar.com/1552573 for accompanying article. Ughhhh....I HATE tatoos. The fantasy is OVER.

Reasons Why I Love My Sister-In-Law

I guess I need to give a little backstory here for people to understand. My brother (here referred to as "The Asshole") is an asshole. In addition, he is a pathalogical liar. So one day I get this phone call:

The Asshole: Hey I got married today
Me: Shut up asshole
The Asshole: No seriously, I got married today. Her name is [Way Too Good For My Asshole Bother]. Call The Geek (my other brother) and ask him. I really got married.

He had only been dating this girl for a couple of months and I had no reason to believe he was telling me the truth. The conversation went on like that for about 15 minutes at which point I hung up on him and called not only The Geek, but also my Dad. The Asshole didn't want to tell my mom (Crazylady) for fear of an exorcism. Anyway.... as it turns out [Way Too Good For My Asshole Brother] ended up being WAY cooler than anticipated and way too good for my asshole brother.

Today she sends me this email:

"Hi everyone! I can't believe it, but it's finally here! [The Ginger] (my niece) is turning one! Wow! It has gone by so fast! We are going to have a small family get-together this Sunday at 2pm at our house. [The Ginger] would be so happy if you came and helped her celebrate her first birthday! Hope to see you there!"

Normally the words "family" and "Sunday" make me naseous because I associate both with needing to be being REALLY drunk or being REALLY hung over. But, as I said, [Way Too Good For My Asshole Brother] is really cool and I would love to go hang out with her. Unfortunately (or fortunately really) I will be in Las Vegas with the other drunks that write this blog. So I replied:

"Wish I could be there! I'll be in vegas, and probably drunk at that exact moment. But give [The Ginger] a big birthday hug and kiss for me! Take lots of cake pictures... those are always the funniest!"

Now at this point, my other sister-in-law's (we'll call her the Drama Teacher) reaction would be to somehow backhandedly call me a lush (which I am) and tell me I have poor hygine (which I sometimes do). Then she would try to make me feel extremely guilty. The Crazylady would have just dropped to her knees on the spot and had a little chat with the big guy upstairs about my sinful ways. What does [Way Too Good For My Asshole Brother] have to say?

"Wow, that's so not fair! Drink one for me and try to win some money if your sober enough to find the craps table! I'll send you some pics!"

Case in point.

Uplifting Life Lesson

I thought I'd document my favorite excerpts from a g-chat with "These Shoulders Don't Lie" and myself today. We live sad lives of not-so-quiet desperation. Just take a look below:

tsdl: i wish i had some crackers

Sent at 11:47 AM on Monday

tsdl: yall dont have an extra flask do you?

Sent at 11:56 AM on Monday

tsdl: why didnt anyone tell me i looked like an oompa loompa on Thursday?

Sent at 12:06 PM on Monday

tsdl: sucks to be nina garcia

Sent at 2:27 PM on Monday

tsdl: i would sue perez if i could

how does someone saying ""We are thrilled to confirm their engagement and congratulate this happy couple. Beyond that there is nothing to say."

"confirm a pregnancy"

Sent at 2:33 PM on Monday

tsdl: i hope we see carrot top this weekend in Vegas!!!

Sent at 2:46 PM on Monday

Most of these "thoughts" went unanswered. Part because I was busy or at lunch and part because well....what do you say to "I wish I had some crackers?"

But no worries. I'm not bashing my friend...because I'm the real psycho. In a fit of rage I bombarded her with the following:

me: GAHHHHHHHHHHHH
this has been THE MOST FRUSTRATING DAY

#1 on my shit list: a tie -- between my mother and fedex

my mother for the usual reasons -- wont answer the phone, is very unhelpful, then calls to ask about nothing/tell me what she ate for lunch

also she started flipping out and yelling at me about driving the jetta because its not insured

tsdl: hahhaha

me: fedex - their website is a FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. i have been trying to mail a package since 10am this morningn (its 4pm)

i have received an error message...

called

gotten that problem fixed

received another error message

called

told that i need to update our credit card info

searched the entire FUCKING SITE

THERE IS NO PLACE TO UPDATE YOUR CREDIT CARD INFO

IF THE POST OFFICE SUCKED JUST A LITTLE LESS FEDEX WOULD HAVE TO GO OUT OF BUSINESS

so thats my new motto for usps...suck a little less

ill tell the guy that next time i wait in line for 30 minutes just to get some fucking letter that a university sent to us by certified mail

WHICH I HAD TO DO TODAY

Lesson for the kids: Stay in school or your life could look like this.

Oh wait, we went to college and our lives still look like this...

New lesson for the kids: No matter what you do with your life, stupid people (ex. - Karen, people who work in shipping) will drive you to drink.

Overheard in My Office

There is this charming girl I work with, we will call her Karen, because Karen is always a bag of douche. Karen is frequently saying the most inappropriate shit ever so I think the only thing that could make it better would be to blog about it. A few of todays gems were:

"Maybe if you are nice I won't have to punch you in the uterus."


"Do grasshoppers have vages?"


These comments were shortly followed by "I need a beer" straight from my mouth to God's ears. Happy hour time kiddos.

Style Icon: Aubrey O'Day

Not only is Aubrey O'Day a style icon, she is a LIFESTYLE icon. Bitch always looks like she hasn't slept in about a week and just applied her eye makeup with a pressure washer. I can't really say anything bad about her in this picture though because my 4 year old niece designed that dress on her Barbie computer game and my legally blind friend sewed it one handed with her eyes closed and Aubrey was kind enough to wear it in public. She really is first and foremost a sweetheart. Well, actually, she is a lush first and foremost and a sweetheart second and THAT is why Aubrey O'Day is my style icon.

Asshat of the Week

And the asshat of the week is..... dudes who are oblivious. There is a HUGE difference between a girl being nice to you and a girl being into you. One way to tell a girl is not in to you is if you bring her home with you and when in the living room she chooses the chair. This does not mean you should try to sit in the chair with her, it means you should sit your strange ass on the couch and admit defeat. It's alot like when I say "I don't like dancing" it really means "I don't like dancing with you". Please do us all a favor and read these signs. I'm a red blooded woman, when I want to make out with you, YOU'LL KNOW (mainly because I'll club you, drag you back to my lair, and have my way with you). While we're on the topic of mixed signals, when I say "I don't like assholes" I'm serious, I don't like them. I FUCKING LOVE THEM. That being said, stop kissing my ass, it's awkward.

Maybe I need to be more direct and hand out my business card. I can think of at least 20 people who need that. For starters:
-the bartender who thinks a vodka soda is the same thing as a vodka sprite
-the cab driver who doesn't know the streets in the city he works in
-my roommate who has a job and wakes me up before noon
-waiters who make jokes about putting the calories on the side (this douche can usually be found at your neighborhood Chili's)

"I'd tap that."

Inspired by Michael K's famed "Hot Slut of the Week."

Ryan Scott from Top Chef.

My Life and Why I Drink So Much

Last Weekend's Highlights:

The Facts:I woke up on Friday morning feeling like death and I promptly called in sick to work for the first time in my entire life.
The Irony: My boss still accused me of just playing hooky on Monday morning.

The Facts: I managed to stay in on Friday night and even avoided boozing.
The Irony: I was so deep into a DaQuil haze that I passed out anyway.

The Facts: I drove to Dallas to apartment hunt, man hunt, and talk business.
The Irony: I didn't sign a lease, and the only man who actually wanted to talk to me was more intoxicated than I (that is saying A LOT) and nicknamed "Mellow" (I can't make this shit up). All of this occurred by 11:45.

The Facts: On Sunday I drove to my hometown where I attended a church and found out exactly what Hell is going to be like.
The Irony: Hell is a lot like attending a wedding shower with your mother.

The Facts: I drove home to Austin for approximately the 94,857,348,920,420,545,677th time.
The Irony: My mother called just to check and see if I had my headlights on.

The Facts: This is the first weekend in at least a month that I don't have to go out of town or have house guests which I was planning to celebrate by going downtown at my leisure, drinking beers by my pool at my leisure, and walking around my house buck naked just because I can at my leisure.
The Irony: My aunt just IM'd me to let me know that she is coming to Austin this weekend and might need to stay with me.

The Final Straw? SHE MIGHT BE BRINGING MY MOTHER WITH HER.

There is really only one thing I can do at this point. Dollar beer night, I'm bringing a $20 and I'm not sharing.

WTF??!!??!!

There are........


No words.