How Sin City Confirmed I Have No Soul

I think it's probably a good idea to acknowledge at this point that we got back to Austin on Monday and I am just now sober enough to write this account of my activities in Vegas. I don't want to drone on about how great it was, I'd much rather focus on what was my favorite moment of the trip (I'll add a post about my second favorite moment later).

ACT I

Setting: Airplane

Two hour flight, three drinks that can only be referred to as "a cup of vodka." Thank you mysterious flight attendant. I love you.

ACT II

Setting: Standing outside Pure directly in front of the door, staring at the line and knowing we don't belong there.

We quickly learned that if 6 attractive young women just stand around long enough, lots of men are willing to pour copious amounts of Vodka down their throats.

ACT III

Setting: Revolution

We then headed over to Revolution where we were again pimped out to a table of guys where the BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE would shortly follow.

Now if you have been reading this blog you know that Venus Fly Slap is anything BUT your typical, sweet, southern girl. She's got a mouth like a sailor and an attitude like, well, me. Sarcastic, cynical, bitchy, etc. So needless to say, she is WAY too good for most of the human species and seeing her find anyone remotely worthy of her time is a rarity.

Well after 2 bottles of vodka (most of which went in my mouth), she takes a liking to one of the gentlemen at the table. (I had to be told all of this later because I was too busy sucking the face off of someone at the table - classy, I know). Venus is in LOVE. I have 2 favorite moments in this instance:

SCENE I

Setting: Table in Revolution

VFS: "So what do you do?"

(keep in mind that they all worked in bonds)

Love of Venus: "I'm a writer"

Skinny Drew Carey: "It's true, he is."

VFS: "Oh, really (eyes shining, heart melting), what do you write about?"

Love of Venus: "Billiards"

And she ate that shit up. Loved every minute of it.

SCENE II

Setting: Cab line

As we stumble out of Revolution, I am engrossed in a "conversation" (read: tongue wrestling competition) with my new friend and I look up for a moment and stop DEAD IN MY TRACKS. I am fairly certain that my new friend fully believed that I was either having a coronary or going to throw up (both safe assumptions considering my BAC at that very moment). Why was I in cardiac arrest one might ask? VENUS FLY SLAP IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH HER ARM AROUND THIS GUY.

Tonsil Hockey Player: "Are you OK?"

TSDL: "Huh? Are you seeing this?"

THP: "Yeah, and?"

TSDL: "NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND"

THP: "What are you talking about?"

TSDL: "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND"

(more kissing)

I have NEVER in all my 22 years seen anything like it. So we get in a cab, head home, I am still in shock. Go upstairs, change into pajamas. I come out of the bathroom and Venus' new love is on the phone.

Love of Venus" "What? Wait? Where are you guys? Yeah I'm leaving. Why? Well I wanted to make out with this girl, but she passed out. (giggling)"

I look over at the couch and lo and behold. There is Venus, sprawled out in a sorority t-shirt and some Victorias Secret pants. I was fairly certain that she was faking so I started saying ridiculous things to try and get her to giggle and give away her game. Its a no go, so I decide for once in my life to be nice.

I feed the poor sap some vodka and water (we didn't have any mixers) then kindly suggested, maybe you should get a cab somewhere else?

ACT IV

Setting: Sitting fully clothed in our hotel bathtub with Venus

The next morning while reviewing my pictures I realized I managed to snap a picture of said incident as well as plenty of other embarrassing candids. And when Venus sees the picture she FLIPS.

VFS: "YOU CANNOT PUT THAT ON FACEBOOK."

I could have showed her a picture of her giving the Pope the finger and it could have gone on Facebook, but with this one, where she looks like a decent human being she was concerned that "PEOPLE MIGHT SEE THAT!!!"

CURTAIN