She's Getting Married, I'm Getting Drunk

As stated before, I hosted my best friend from highschool's bachelorette party this weekend. Despite a rocky start (namely me being too drunk to function when they got in to town) we ended up having a really good time. A few highlights:

- I hired a female stripper to come teach us how to give lap dances. I would highly recommend this.

- After dinner, most of us were drunk, I was drunk enough for those who weren't. We decided to go to an adult store. It was my first time to go there and I was AMAZED at the number of creepy men perusing the porn section. I was even more shocked that 12 really attractive and really drunk girls stumbled in and they didn't even look up. Maybe there is some type of etiquette involved here?

- I bought a "Bachelorette Bar Challenge Game" (this is important to the plot later)

- We continue to drink and then head downtown... at 10:50. We were pretty much the only people in the first few bars that we went to. Now, The Future Mrs. W has the tolerance of, oh, Dakota Fanning so when she takes 3 shots in the first 4 minutes I start to get a little concerned. But she surprisingly held her own all night. We did have to stay up talking for at least an hour after we got home while I made her a few glasses of ice water because she couldn't close her eyes.

- I met a guy in Aquarium who's name was Kip. He told me he owned the bar, I told him I was a professional scuba diving instructor. He ate it up.

- We start playing this card game, and I am certain that there are some rules involved, but it is basically a deck of cards that say things like "find a man wearing tighty whities," "get a lap dance from a stranger," and then some cards just have shots on them. But several of the cards are really stupid and I was pissed because I spent $8 on this game. So anytime someone pulls a card that I think is stupid I say "give me that, its garbage" and throw it over my shoulder. I referred to this as "trimming the fat" the bachelorettes LOVED it. When we got home I had 2 cards left. I guess I messed with Texas last night, my apologies.

- At some point the pimp from Sapphire approaches us. I make him draw a card, it says "get a stranger to buy you a drink." I feel like it is destiny and we follow him to the bar. He was trying to get us to go to some secluded VIP area in the back but first The Future Mrs. W. spotted a Bachelor who she must have said was "SO HOT" at least 495 times. I make him pull a card. It says "get a stranger to serenade you." I look at this guy and all of his friends are wearing Top Gun shirts. I have a brilliant idea. I start screaming at all of them that they have to sing "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" to her. They all kind of shy away. I grab the card and hold it in his face and scream "YOU HAVE TO, THE CARD SAYS SO, YOU HAVE TO SING TO HER NOW, DON'T BE A VAGINA." At last they give in. Then they buy me a shot, and tell me I am awesome. I already know this.

- I came to find out later that they had a list of things to do and that was #1, which means they had clearly practiced it beforehand. Thats cute I guess, if your idea of a good time is watching Telletubbies and holding hands or something.

- We went back to that secluded VIP lounge where the girls decide to practice what we learned in our striptease class earlier. I was talking to the bartender and he was literally staring straight past me where 11 attractive girls were all humping each other with his mouth hanging open. He calls over every other male that works in the bar and they do the same. He says "if you guys keep this up, I'm going to have to buy you shots." Needless to say, we had shots.

- On our way out of Sapphire we passed Top Gun Bachelor again and he grabbed another one of the blond girls at our party and said something to the effect of "It was really fun singing to you, I hope you get married good, you know, really good." (translation: "I am drunk, and scared shitless of only having sex with one person for the rest of my life, want to bone?). This guy couldn't even remember who he had been talking to earlier. And the Future Mrs. W was wearing a sash that said Bride to Be on it. He has good friends.

Everything else was pretty typical for a bachelorette party. The Future Mrs. W got a lap dance from someone at Pure, she also met an exchange student from Argentina that she fell in love with. It was a girl. She molested my Austin friends and screamed at them that "NONE OF YOU ARE [SHOULDERS'] REAL FRIENDS I AM HER BEST FRIEND AND YOU ARE NOT" then we went home.

This morning, one of the attendees told me that anytime we pulled a shot card we gave them to strangers, and they were taking them to the bar and redeeming them like freaking drink tickets. Apparently I am a 6th Street goddess and whatever I say goes.

Currently I am recovering from being drunk for over 24 hours in a row, there are penises and half empty drinks scattered all over my apartment and I still don't have my keys. So all in all its been a successful weekend.