My Life and Why I Drink So Much

Last Weekend's Highlights:

The Facts:I woke up on Friday morning feeling like death and I promptly called in sick to work for the first time in my entire life.
The Irony: My boss still accused me of just playing hooky on Monday morning.

The Facts: I managed to stay in on Friday night and even avoided boozing.
The Irony: I was so deep into a DaQuil haze that I passed out anyway.

The Facts: I drove to Dallas to apartment hunt, man hunt, and talk business.
The Irony: I didn't sign a lease, and the only man who actually wanted to talk to me was more intoxicated than I (that is saying A LOT) and nicknamed "Mellow" (I can't make this shit up). All of this occurred by 11:45.

The Facts: On Sunday I drove to my hometown where I attended a church and found out exactly what Hell is going to be like.
The Irony: Hell is a lot like attending a wedding shower with your mother.

The Facts: I drove home to Austin for approximately the 94,857,348,920,420,545,677th time.
The Irony: My mother called just to check and see if I had my headlights on.

The Facts: This is the first weekend in at least a month that I don't have to go out of town or have house guests which I was planning to celebrate by going downtown at my leisure, drinking beers by my pool at my leisure, and walking around my house buck naked just because I can at my leisure.
The Irony: My aunt just IM'd me to let me know that she is coming to Austin this weekend and might need to stay with me.

The Final Straw? SHE MIGHT BE BRINGING MY MOTHER WITH HER.

There is really only one thing I can do at this point. Dollar beer night, I'm bringing a $20 and I'm not sharing.