So I found this on msn.com. Pretty sure these people are on CRACK because to me the one and only use for vodka is in a glass with some lime, accompanied by a straw inserted directly into my mouth.
Here is what the crackhead people at msn think vodka is useful for. Wasteful nut jobs...
http://green.msn.com/galleries/photos/photos.aspx?gid=200>1=45002
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
How Do I Meet These Men?
This is a question that is often asked of me. For instance, I get phone calls like this:
Venus: "Hey, I just got your text message, are you serious? You took home a guy wearing a bandanna on his head? How did you meet this guy?"
Me: "Yeah, in fact I'm sitting on top of a guy with a bandanna on his head right now."
Venus: "Shut up, this is awkward. Call me back later when you can talk."
Me: "I can talk now."
Venus: "YOU ARE SITTING ON TOP OF HIM."
I guess for proper perspective I should give a little rundown of the gents I've made out with in the last month.
Bandanna Man: A student from UNT. I picked him up down town where he was drinking a long island iced tea at Big Beer Bar (this should have been my first clue). He shacks, we wake up and watch 10 minutes of Saved By The Bell and 45 minutes of Scooby Doo. THEN WE PLAY SCRABBLE.
Man of Honor: The 19 year old best man at my best friend's wedding. Consequently he is also her brother in law now so I will be seeing him again.
Law College: Some guy who went to Penn State and now goes to UT Law. So named because he kept calling law school "law college." I thought this was hilarious and kept making him repeat it over and over again. This may or may not have been the result of drinking an entire vodka soda in shot fashion.
So you can see, this motley crew doesn't really make any kind of sense, so people are right in asking me "How did you meet this man?"
Let me explain myself. Despite the fact that I NEVER manage to hook up with frat guys, I LOVE THEM. I am at all times on the lookout for boat shoes, croakies, and vineyard vines attire. I refer to these people (thanks to the Vegas trip) as "Our People." I often find myself positioning myself and my ladies near Our People at any given opportunity. I'm like a modern day madam and I am well aware of it. I use my whores strategically. I attribute it to playing a lot of Battle Ship as a child.
Then we lurk and smirk. However, I am also a very impatient person. So while I am lurking, some freak walks up and says something to me. And I'm talking about pretty much anything. For example:
"Your dress is nice"
"I like your hair"
"I work at a gas station."
and most importantly:
"Do you need a drink?"
and there you have it folks. That is exactly how I meet "these men." I'm thinking of teaching classes so you too can meet weird men who you can giggle about with your friends later.
All fodder for the tell all kids.
Venus: "Hey, I just got your text message, are you serious? You took home a guy wearing a bandanna on his head? How did you meet this guy?"
Me: "Yeah, in fact I'm sitting on top of a guy with a bandanna on his head right now."
Venus: "Shut up, this is awkward. Call me back later when you can talk."
Me: "I can talk now."
Venus: "YOU ARE SITTING ON TOP OF HIM."
I guess for proper perspective I should give a little rundown of the gents I've made out with in the last month.
Bandanna Man: A student from UNT. I picked him up down town where he was drinking a long island iced tea at Big Beer Bar (this should have been my first clue). He shacks, we wake up and watch 10 minutes of Saved By The Bell and 45 minutes of Scooby Doo. THEN WE PLAY SCRABBLE.
Man of Honor: The 19 year old best man at my best friend's wedding. Consequently he is also her brother in law now so I will be seeing him again.
Law College: Some guy who went to Penn State and now goes to UT Law. So named because he kept calling law school "law college." I thought this was hilarious and kept making him repeat it over and over again. This may or may not have been the result of drinking an entire vodka soda in shot fashion.
So you can see, this motley crew doesn't really make any kind of sense, so people are right in asking me "How did you meet this man?"
Let me explain myself. Despite the fact that I NEVER manage to hook up with frat guys, I LOVE THEM. I am at all times on the lookout for boat shoes, croakies, and vineyard vines attire. I refer to these people (thanks to the Vegas trip) as "Our People." I often find myself positioning myself and my ladies near Our People at any given opportunity. I'm like a modern day madam and I am well aware of it. I use my whores strategically. I attribute it to playing a lot of Battle Ship as a child.
Then we lurk and smirk. However, I am also a very impatient person. So while I am lurking, some freak walks up and says something to me. And I'm talking about pretty much anything. For example:
"Your dress is nice"
"I like your hair"
"I work at a gas station."
and most importantly:
"Do you need a drink?"
and there you have it folks. That is exactly how I meet "these men." I'm thinking of teaching classes so you too can meet weird men who you can giggle about with your friends later.
All fodder for the tell all kids.
Bang goes the shot glass
Last night my life did a little imploding.
Venus, Shoulders and I decide to go to the campus bar mainly because Venus was bored, but also so we could scope out some of our people.
It was a little busier than we had originally thought and there were no tables available. So we hiked upstairs, perched on the ledge and creepily watched everyone else. While up top someone suggested we drink everytime we see someone we hooked up with. Funny at the time..until I see one and then another and then another...
1. Vandy's old roommate's ex boyfriend's fraternity brother whom I made out with when he was down visiting from Tennessee now convieniently lives in Austin and was at the campus bar.
2. Bed Maker. You all know that story. He came over, said hi and knew his place. Sufficiently akward, but it could have been worse.
3. Duck. Didn't exactly hook up. We were in a cab on the way back to his place after downtown and he has the cab pull over in a 7-11 parking lot so he can puke. I promptly got out of the car and walked my ass home. Akward enough almost hook up to count it.
4. Tamale. Ex boyfriend from high school that I dated off and on for 5 years. Can't really stand the kid in any size dose. But it made all the akwardness better when LC leans over to me after having talked to Tamale and says, "He's kind of a douche." I nodded as I have heard this many times before.
So it goes without saying that my plans to drink a beer or two and then drive home went straight out the window. Thank you little blinking shot glass. Best game ever.
Well today is my Birthday. I leave for Europe with Nouns tomorrow. So much amazingness is happening I don't even know how to contain myself. For the next 13 days I will not be sober and that is a promise.
Venus, Shoulders and I decide to go to the campus bar mainly because Venus was bored, but also so we could scope out some of our people.
It was a little busier than we had originally thought and there were no tables available. So we hiked upstairs, perched on the ledge and creepily watched everyone else. While up top someone suggested we drink everytime we see someone we hooked up with. Funny at the time..until I see one and then another and then another...
1. Vandy's old roommate's ex boyfriend's fraternity brother whom I made out with when he was down visiting from Tennessee now convieniently lives in Austin and was at the campus bar.
2. Bed Maker. You all know that story. He came over, said hi and knew his place. Sufficiently akward, but it could have been worse.
3. Duck. Didn't exactly hook up. We were in a cab on the way back to his place after downtown and he has the cab pull over in a 7-11 parking lot so he can puke. I promptly got out of the car and walked my ass home. Akward enough almost hook up to count it.
4. Tamale. Ex boyfriend from high school that I dated off and on for 5 years. Can't really stand the kid in any size dose. But it made all the akwardness better when LC leans over to me after having talked to Tamale and says, "He's kind of a douche." I nodded as I have heard this many times before.
So it goes without saying that my plans to drink a beer or two and then drive home went straight out the window. Thank you little blinking shot glass. Best game ever.
Well today is my Birthday. I leave for Europe with Nouns tomorrow. So much amazingness is happening I don't even know how to contain myself. For the next 13 days I will not be sober and that is a promise.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Asshat of the Week
Like a cold drink (read a few vodka sodas) on a hot day... the asshat of the week is back. drum roll please......
Seriously, this kid is the creepiest thing i've seen in a long time. I can't even believe I watch American Idol let alone care about the existance of the weirdos on it, but this kid is weird. sure he can sing, can't every 13 year old gay kid? my point is, whichever one of the douche nozzles wins will totally go straight to broadway or an alley near by giving blow joys for crack. you heard it here first.
ITS FETUS ARCHULETTA
Seriously, this kid is the creepiest thing i've seen in a long time. I can't even believe I watch American Idol let alone care about the existance of the weirdos on it, but this kid is weird. sure he can sing, can't every 13 year old gay kid? my point is, whichever one of the douche nozzles wins will totally go straight to broadway or an alley near by giving blow joys for crack. you heard it here first.
"Adults" At Play
Well I graduated college this past weekend. I'm supposed to be a grown up now I guess. This "real world" that everyone has been talking about doesn't seem so different from the...old world? Would you call it that?
I still get drunk most nights and this weekend was certainly no exception. I guess in the real world I just have more free time to get drunk without that nasty little thing of a conscience reminding me of my homework that hasn't magically done itself. Score! I could get used to this!
Mostly I am posting to inform the world that yes, you CAN in fact get Champagne at the Big Beer Bar. You have to talk to the manager to make it happen--something I didn't do myself, as I was in no capacity to even remember that we had to talk to the manager in order to get the bubbly, but isn't there always some kind of red tape to get through?
Tonight will be no exception to the rule as GP is having birthday festivities downtown. Debauchery (I'm actually beginning to think that word is overused by the general population, but what other word adequately describes our antics?) will ensue most definitely. Here is a list of things that will be on the radar and are likely to occur:
1. Shots
2. Vodka
3. Scoping out the mens
4. Dancing
5. Finding "our people"
6. More shots
7. Ridiculous picture taking
8. Blacking out at the end (or the middle?) of the night
9. Probably groping of some sort
10. Sore hands from holding a big beer too long
11. Conclude with shots
Should be a good time. I'm excited, especially by the thought of a mexican martini to kick off the night.
This weekend I will venture to Our nation's capitol to go to a wedding. That means a couple things to me, but namely: free booze. I'm going to party with Marines. It's going to be awesome. I should set some goals for myself like come home with a hat or something. I'll work on that tonight while I pack. Mostly I will ease any awkwardness by constantly having a drink in my hand. Sounds like a plan. I'm happy to see my nephew though, because he says funny things.
Anyways, the moral of the story is that I'm getting wild and crazy with my favorite peeps. And I'm excited.
I still get drunk most nights and this weekend was certainly no exception. I guess in the real world I just have more free time to get drunk without that nasty little thing of a conscience reminding me of my homework that hasn't magically done itself. Score! I could get used to this!
Mostly I am posting to inform the world that yes, you CAN in fact get Champagne at the Big Beer Bar. You have to talk to the manager to make it happen--something I didn't do myself, as I was in no capacity to even remember that we had to talk to the manager in order to get the bubbly, but isn't there always some kind of red tape to get through?
Tonight will be no exception to the rule as GP is having birthday festivities downtown. Debauchery (I'm actually beginning to think that word is overused by the general population, but what other word adequately describes our antics?) will ensue most definitely. Here is a list of things that will be on the radar and are likely to occur:
1. Shots
2. Vodka
3. Scoping out the mens
4. Dancing
5. Finding "our people"
6. More shots
7. Ridiculous picture taking
8. Blacking out at the end (or the middle?) of the night
9. Probably groping of some sort
10. Sore hands from holding a big beer too long
11. Conclude with shots
Should be a good time. I'm excited, especially by the thought of a mexican martini to kick off the night.
This weekend I will venture to Our nation's capitol to go to a wedding. That means a couple things to me, but namely: free booze. I'm going to party with Marines. It's going to be awesome. I should set some goals for myself like come home with a hat or something. I'll work on that tonight while I pack. Mostly I will ease any awkwardness by constantly having a drink in my hand. Sounds like a plan. I'm happy to see my nephew though, because he says funny things.
Anyways, the moral of the story is that I'm getting wild and crazy with my favorite peeps. And I'm excited.
19 is the New Black
I am drunk right now and that is pretty much the only time you will get this story out of me ever again so here goes nothing...
The Future Mrs. W became Mrs. W. three days ago. I was the only person who was not a member of the immediate family who was invited to join the wedding party in Mexico. My life is also a mess because on Tuesday (1 day before the wedding) I got fired from my job for quitting (that could be a whole story in its self, but I'd rather die before relive that shit). Ever since that dumb whore stole my things (see previous post) I wake up every morning feeling like I have been blindfolded, spun around for 10 minutes, and then given three shots of tequila before being sent on my way. So needless to say, I did something really stupid. I wasn't even drunk and I somehow managed to leave my ENTIRE suitcase at my house in Austin while I drove to Dallas to meet up with Nouns and then my dad who agreed to drive me to the airport the following morning.
I arrive at my dad's office and open the back of my car and just stare with my mouth hanging open. I can't believe what I've done. The Geek (my brother) just stands by giggling while I explain to my dad what just happened.
Me: "I think I forgot my suitcase"
Dad: (trying to hide laughter)
Me: "Wow, it's been a while since I've done something THAT stupid"
Dad: (outwardly laughing)
Me: "This really isn't funny"
Dad: "Just get in my car, we'll figure this out."
Me: "Just take me to Target, I will just reload"
Dad: "What about your bridesmaid's dress."
Me: "SHIT!"
I was perfectly willing a this point to drive myself back to my apartment then back to Dallas. After all, it was my effing mistake. But my dad refuses. Instead he calls in a personal favor to get The Nicest Guy I've Never Met to meet GP and get my suitcase. TNGINM drives all the way to Austin to get my suitcase and agrees to meet us in Dallas at 7:30.
MOTHER NATURE HATES ME.
There is a tornado in TNGINM's hometown and he doesn't make it to Dallas in time. In fact, he is about 10 minutes too late. Dad drives me to the airport and I am late for check in. I run up to the counter and inform the attendant of the situation.
Me: "Hi, I'm running a little late"
Attendant: "Are you Emily? They told me you were on your way."
Me: "Yes, sorry."
Attendant: "Sweetie, where is your luggage?"
Me: (bursting into tears)
The attendant had to fill out my forms for me because I was crying so hard. They try to convince me to wait a day and get on the next flight, but I know that Mrs. W. will freak out WAY more if I'm not there than if the dress isn't there.
I get into the airport and explain the situation to Mrs. W's sister, mother, and father. They all think this is hilarious and that I should have my own reality show (they are right, but that is beside the point). Her dad spends the entire next 3 hours convincing me that Mrs. W. is going to completely freak out when I tell her what happened.
I sit near Mrs. W's 15 year old brother and a strange man who is a Surveyor. The Surveyor orders a double whiskey and coke. He turns to me and says, "you don't look so good, are you OK?" I again explain the situation. He hands me an airplane bottle of whiskey and says "you need this more than I do."
I have never been so grateful to anyone in my entire life (except maybe GP for getting my bag out of my apartment in the first place.)
Mrs. W's Dad spends the entire flight convincing me that Mrs. W is not only going to freak out, but she is going to CRY TEARS OF SORROW because of me.
I start to hyperventilate.
He starts to laugh.
We get to the hotel, the following conversation transpires:
Mrs. W. : "Hey!!! I AM SO GLAD YOU GUYS ARE HERE!!! Get on your swimsuits, lets go to the pool!!!"
Me: "Uh, hey (starting to get teary eyed) I, uh, everything is OK, but I just have to tell you something. Um, I, uh, forgot my luggage. It's a long story, I uh, but my bridesmaid's dress was in the bag and it's going to be fine, it will be here, (outwardly crying) I'M SO SORRY, I WASN'T EVEN DRUNK."
Mrs. W. : "Oh. Do you need to borrow some clothes?"
SHE DIDN'T EVEN CARE!!!!
Fast forward to the wedding day:
I checked the night before and the package still hadn't arrived. My dad FedExed it and it was guaranteed to arrive by 6pm the prior day. I was certain that I was royally screwed. I woke up at 7:30 and talked to the front desk. They called the pilot of the FedEx plane (I have no effing idea how they got that number) and explained what was in the package. When I told them the wedding was at 1 pm they laughed at me. My only option was to chance it and go to the air port and try to get my package from customs myself.
I got a cab from our hotel. My driver's name was Alan. For the first moment in my life I was SO happy I had taken a cumulative 6 years of Spanish classes. I got the only taxi driver in Mexico that couldn't speak any English. I explained the situation, asked about his family, and told him I had to be back by 12:40. He agreed to help. Did I mention I wasn't wearing a bra?
So I suppose that in Cancun, Mexico there isn't a FedEx office, there is just a guy driving a FedEx truck. I am able to suppose that because I met this man. While I was waiting on him for "just 5 more minutes" between 11:30and 12:30 old men kept coming out of the customs office, kissing me on the cheek, and telling my that I was both "very beautiful" and "very lucky" because things never get through customs so fast. I pay $150 for my package, hop back in the cab with Alan a mere 10 minutes before the wedding, and yell that "Ahorita somos amiogs mejores, Alan (Right now we are BEST friends Alan)."
We get back to the hotel. I throw all of my remaining cash at Alan and take off running through the hotel lobby(in heels, so clearly I am a spectacle). Every single person in the lobby is staring at me...but I can't be bothered, I have places to be. I get to Mrs. W's room and start banging on the door and screaming. I change in 32 seconds and head out to the gazebo where they are getting married. The "wedding" occurs.
It has been a long day. I need a drink.
Me: "Carlos! (the bartender who I am now best friends with) Nescicito una margarita MUY grande."
Carlos: (holds up a 10 gallon bucket) "Como este?"
Me: "SI!"
Carlos: " No, no quieres una margarita mas grande, quieres una margarita mas fuerte! Si?"
Me: "Whatever Carlos, I just need some booze!"
Please note this conversation. It is important to the plot.
I continue to drink margaritas "mas fuertes."
Final highlight of the wedding:
Mr. W's 19 year old brother was the Man of Honor. He has a history with Mrs. W's little sister. I get loaded, go on a walk with MOH on the beach... end up making out with MOH on a beach chair.
It's not bad enough that I am currently making out with a child.
HIS PARENTS CATCH US.
His mother tells me that I need to "Get back to my room." In my state of being I think this is a brilliant idea and just leave to pass out in my room. Mrs. W's sister sees us making out. So I have adequately pissed off most of the wedding party. Curtains.
This morning, the MOH facebook messages me to make sure that I don't "hate" him. I inform him that he was merely a set of lips, and my brain was merely floated in tequila. My life continues to be silly. I am currently packing as much of my life up as possible in preparations for my move next Monday. I am also drinking vodka... bad combo. Let us see how the plot unfolds.....
The Future Mrs. W became Mrs. W. three days ago. I was the only person who was not a member of the immediate family who was invited to join the wedding party in Mexico. My life is also a mess because on Tuesday (1 day before the wedding) I got fired from my job for quitting (that could be a whole story in its self, but I'd rather die before relive that shit). Ever since that dumb whore stole my things (see previous post) I wake up every morning feeling like I have been blindfolded, spun around for 10 minutes, and then given three shots of tequila before being sent on my way. So needless to say, I did something really stupid. I wasn't even drunk and I somehow managed to leave my ENTIRE suitcase at my house in Austin while I drove to Dallas to meet up with Nouns and then my dad who agreed to drive me to the airport the following morning.
I arrive at my dad's office and open the back of my car and just stare with my mouth hanging open. I can't believe what I've done. The Geek (my brother) just stands by giggling while I explain to my dad what just happened.
Me: "I think I forgot my suitcase"
Dad: (trying to hide laughter)
Me: "Wow, it's been a while since I've done something THAT stupid"
Dad: (outwardly laughing)
Me: "This really isn't funny"
Dad: "Just get in my car, we'll figure this out."
Me: "Just take me to Target, I will just reload"
Dad: "What about your bridesmaid's dress."
Me: "SHIT!"
I was perfectly willing a this point to drive myself back to my apartment then back to Dallas. After all, it was my effing mistake. But my dad refuses. Instead he calls in a personal favor to get The Nicest Guy I've Never Met to meet GP and get my suitcase. TNGINM drives all the way to Austin to get my suitcase and agrees to meet us in Dallas at 7:30.
MOTHER NATURE HATES ME.
There is a tornado in TNGINM's hometown and he doesn't make it to Dallas in time. In fact, he is about 10 minutes too late. Dad drives me to the airport and I am late for check in. I run up to the counter and inform the attendant of the situation.
Me: "Hi, I'm running a little late"
Attendant: "Are you Emily? They told me you were on your way."
Me: "Yes, sorry."
Attendant: "Sweetie, where is your luggage?"
Me: (bursting into tears)
The attendant had to fill out my forms for me because I was crying so hard. They try to convince me to wait a day and get on the next flight, but I know that Mrs. W. will freak out WAY more if I'm not there than if the dress isn't there.
I get into the airport and explain the situation to Mrs. W's sister, mother, and father. They all think this is hilarious and that I should have my own reality show (they are right, but that is beside the point). Her dad spends the entire next 3 hours convincing me that Mrs. W. is going to completely freak out when I tell her what happened.
I sit near Mrs. W's 15 year old brother and a strange man who is a Surveyor. The Surveyor orders a double whiskey and coke. He turns to me and says, "you don't look so good, are you OK?" I again explain the situation. He hands me an airplane bottle of whiskey and says "you need this more than I do."
I have never been so grateful to anyone in my entire life (except maybe GP for getting my bag out of my apartment in the first place.)
Mrs. W's Dad spends the entire flight convincing me that Mrs. W is not only going to freak out, but she is going to CRY TEARS OF SORROW because of me.
I start to hyperventilate.
He starts to laugh.
We get to the hotel, the following conversation transpires:
Mrs. W. : "Hey!!! I AM SO GLAD YOU GUYS ARE HERE!!! Get on your swimsuits, lets go to the pool!!!"
Me: "Uh, hey (starting to get teary eyed) I, uh, everything is OK, but I just have to tell you something. Um, I, uh, forgot my luggage. It's a long story, I uh, but my bridesmaid's dress was in the bag and it's going to be fine, it will be here, (outwardly crying) I'M SO SORRY, I WASN'T EVEN DRUNK."
Mrs. W. : "Oh. Do you need to borrow some clothes?"
SHE DIDN'T EVEN CARE!!!!
Fast forward to the wedding day:
I checked the night before and the package still hadn't arrived. My dad FedExed it and it was guaranteed to arrive by 6pm the prior day. I was certain that I was royally screwed. I woke up at 7:30 and talked to the front desk. They called the pilot of the FedEx plane (I have no effing idea how they got that number) and explained what was in the package. When I told them the wedding was at 1 pm they laughed at me. My only option was to chance it and go to the air port and try to get my package from customs myself.
I got a cab from our hotel. My driver's name was Alan. For the first moment in my life I was SO happy I had taken a cumulative 6 years of Spanish classes. I got the only taxi driver in Mexico that couldn't speak any English. I explained the situation, asked about his family, and told him I had to be back by 12:40. He agreed to help. Did I mention I wasn't wearing a bra?
So I suppose that in Cancun, Mexico there isn't a FedEx office, there is just a guy driving a FedEx truck. I am able to suppose that because I met this man. While I was waiting on him for "just 5 more minutes" between 11:30and 12:30 old men kept coming out of the customs office, kissing me on the cheek, and telling my that I was both "very beautiful" and "very lucky" because things never get through customs so fast. I pay $150 for my package, hop back in the cab with Alan a mere 10 minutes before the wedding, and yell that "Ahorita somos amiogs mejores, Alan (Right now we are BEST friends Alan)."
We get back to the hotel. I throw all of my remaining cash at Alan and take off running through the hotel lobby(in heels, so clearly I am a spectacle). Every single person in the lobby is staring at me...but I can't be bothered, I have places to be. I get to Mrs. W's room and start banging on the door and screaming. I change in 32 seconds and head out to the gazebo where they are getting married. The "wedding" occurs.
It has been a long day. I need a drink.
Me: "Carlos! (the bartender who I am now best friends with) Nescicito una margarita MUY grande."
Carlos: (holds up a 10 gallon bucket) "Como este?"
Me: "SI!"
Carlos: " No, no quieres una margarita mas grande, quieres una margarita mas fuerte! Si?"
Me: "Whatever Carlos, I just need some booze!"
Please note this conversation. It is important to the plot.
I continue to drink margaritas "mas fuertes."
Final highlight of the wedding:
Mr. W's 19 year old brother was the Man of Honor. He has a history with Mrs. W's little sister. I get loaded, go on a walk with MOH on the beach... end up making out with MOH on a beach chair.
It's not bad enough that I am currently making out with a child.
HIS PARENTS CATCH US.
His mother tells me that I need to "Get back to my room." In my state of being I think this is a brilliant idea and just leave to pass out in my room. Mrs. W's sister sees us making out. So I have adequately pissed off most of the wedding party. Curtains.
This morning, the MOH facebook messages me to make sure that I don't "hate" him. I inform him that he was merely a set of lips, and my brain was merely floated in tequila. My life continues to be silly. I am currently packing as much of my life up as possible in preparations for my move next Monday. I am also drinking vodka... bad combo. Let us see how the plot unfolds.....
Monday, May 19, 2008
Get Me the F Out of Here
"Honey in a couple of minutes can you come wash my back?"
Words can not describe the skin crawling effect this request from my Dad to my Mom that I just overheard had on me.
Dallas can't come soon enough. I have no idea how I survived living at home for a year. Independence is going to be so great.
Nouns and Shoulders, don't ever ask me to wash your back.
Words can not describe the skin crawling effect this request from my Dad to my Mom that I just overheard had on me.
Dallas can't come soon enough. I have no idea how I survived living at home for a year. Independence is going to be so great.
Nouns and Shoulders, don't ever ask me to wash your back.
Drummer Update
Last Thursday we did dinner and a movie. Kid would not touch me. You know when you go on a movie date there is usually hand holding. I was practically groping the hand rest in the attempt to get arm on arm contact to signal that I was okay with him holding my hand. Didn't work. He dropped me back off and I got a good night kiss. Thank God for that. Jeeze.
Saturday was the big university commencement for my graduation!! My Mom, Dad, Aunt and Uncle go downtown with me after the ceremony to have some drinks and do a few shots. Drummer meets up with us. Reread that last sentence: Drummer met my family. The five of us take a shot together along with Boat Party, BDV and Watch Out Friends among others. My family knows all of us are ready to move on and start bar hopping so they leave. All of us go to a bar together and get more drinks. Drummer is doing very well and socializing with my friends. He is talking with BP near me when I over hear BP say
"...and then she called Dibs!"
BP decided to tell Drummer about my pursuit of him. Thanks BP. Drummer gets this big old grin on his face and I felt my upperhand in the relationship start to slip just a bit. But only a little bit. Drummer and I then sketch off to meet up with some of his friends. Drummer tells me that one of his friends checked up on me with one of his buddies in engineering. This is how he said the conversation went.
Drummer's Friend: My buddy met a hot engineer. Do you know a girl in engineering named [only my first name]?
Engineer: Yeah, definitely. She rolls with hot girls.
So congrats Nouns, Venus, Shoulders and LC, he was talking about y'all.
This gets Drummer's friend all excited because he assumes he would be able to get with one of my hot friends. (He can't) So its needless to say that when Drummer and I show up without any of my friends he was a little dissapointed.
Anyway, thats pretty much most of the night. We bounced around to a few more bars and then we went back to Drummer's apartment.
Sunday I invite Drummer to be my plus one to BLT's birthday dinner/out downtown. He says yes. He was such a good date. No PDA at the start of the night. As we get further through dinner there are some hands on some legs, but thats about it. By the end of the night, multiple bars and BLT birthday shots later we are on to kissing in the bar. Not gross nasty making out in the bar, we saved that for the car ride back to his place. Anyway, I had a great time with BLT and her friends. Venus even made it to the end of dinner and downtown. I got caught up on the latest TB dirt, so that was good.
We go back to Drummer's apartment again, I had originally told myself that I wanted to be able to drive home at the end of the night because I knew Drummer had to be at work at 6 this morning and I really didn't want to have to get up then. But obviously we all know how little will power I have against my friend Vodka. Well I wake up this morning and notice its light outside and Drummer is still lying next to me. He called into work again. He also did this after I stayed at his place after bar crawl. I am such a bad influence. He must not have minded because we stayed in bed until 2:30 in the afternoon. Understand what I just said - we were in bed for 12 hours straight. Basically we woke up cuddled for a few hours and then took a nap. He is the best person to share a bed with. We get up and get moving to go get my car which is still parked where we had dinner. Its parked at a two hour meter. Oops. I feel like the $15 dollar ticket was well worth the night and morning I had.
Okay, so let me ask all of you a question. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?? I will only have an Austin address for something like 20 more days, and I will be in Europe for 12 of those. So what the hell am I doing going and getting a man friend? He knows I am leaving too. So maybe the question is, what the hell is he doing? We don't have any plans at the moment. I told him I might go to his show tonight, but so far I can't find anyone to go with me, and I am not about to go show up by myself. So it looks like I'm not going. I'll keep you posted with how this whole Drummer thing progresses, or hopefully degresses. But he's so great to me, so I'm torn. So we will see.
Saturday was the big university commencement for my graduation!! My Mom, Dad, Aunt and Uncle go downtown with me after the ceremony to have some drinks and do a few shots. Drummer meets up with us. Reread that last sentence: Drummer met my family. The five of us take a shot together along with Boat Party, BDV and Watch Out Friends among others. My family knows all of us are ready to move on and start bar hopping so they leave. All of us go to a bar together and get more drinks. Drummer is doing very well and socializing with my friends. He is talking with BP near me when I over hear BP say
"...and then she called Dibs!"
BP decided to tell Drummer about my pursuit of him. Thanks BP. Drummer gets this big old grin on his face and I felt my upperhand in the relationship start to slip just a bit. But only a little bit. Drummer and I then sketch off to meet up with some of his friends. Drummer tells me that one of his friends checked up on me with one of his buddies in engineering. This is how he said the conversation went.
Drummer's Friend: My buddy met a hot engineer. Do you know a girl in engineering named [only my first name]?
Engineer: Yeah, definitely. She rolls with hot girls.
So congrats Nouns, Venus, Shoulders and LC, he was talking about y'all.
This gets Drummer's friend all excited because he assumes he would be able to get with one of my hot friends. (He can't) So its needless to say that when Drummer and I show up without any of my friends he was a little dissapointed.
Anyway, thats pretty much most of the night. We bounced around to a few more bars and then we went back to Drummer's apartment.
Sunday I invite Drummer to be my plus one to BLT's birthday dinner/out downtown. He says yes. He was such a good date. No PDA at the start of the night. As we get further through dinner there are some hands on some legs, but thats about it. By the end of the night, multiple bars and BLT birthday shots later we are on to kissing in the bar. Not gross nasty making out in the bar, we saved that for the car ride back to his place. Anyway, I had a great time with BLT and her friends. Venus even made it to the end of dinner and downtown. I got caught up on the latest TB dirt, so that was good.
We go back to Drummer's apartment again, I had originally told myself that I wanted to be able to drive home at the end of the night because I knew Drummer had to be at work at 6 this morning and I really didn't want to have to get up then. But obviously we all know how little will power I have against my friend Vodka. Well I wake up this morning and notice its light outside and Drummer is still lying next to me. He called into work again. He also did this after I stayed at his place after bar crawl. I am such a bad influence. He must not have minded because we stayed in bed until 2:30 in the afternoon. Understand what I just said - we were in bed for 12 hours straight. Basically we woke up cuddled for a few hours and then took a nap. He is the best person to share a bed with. We get up and get moving to go get my car which is still parked where we had dinner. Its parked at a two hour meter. Oops. I feel like the $15 dollar ticket was well worth the night and morning I had.
Okay, so let me ask all of you a question. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?? I will only have an Austin address for something like 20 more days, and I will be in Europe for 12 of those. So what the hell am I doing going and getting a man friend? He knows I am leaving too. So maybe the question is, what the hell is he doing? We don't have any plans at the moment. I told him I might go to his show tonight, but so far I can't find anyone to go with me, and I am not about to go show up by myself. So it looks like I'm not going. I'll keep you posted with how this whole Drummer thing progresses, or hopefully degresses. But he's so great to me, so I'm torn. So we will see.
Friday, May 16, 2008
seriously?
someone just got shot outside my place of work.
update: my mom (nanny-goat) calls here is the conversation that transpires.
NG: OH MY GOD NOUNS!! DID YOU JUST GET SHOT?!? (all caps bc shes YELLING)
me: no, mom, i did not get shot.
NG: DID YOU HEAR?!?
me: yes mom, i heard.
NG: A 43 YEAR OLD WOMAN GOT SHOT OUTSIDE NORDSTROM WAITING FOR HER DAUGHTER!!!!
me: you know it was a 43 year old woman and still called to see if it was me? i'm going to bed. good night.
NG: SOMETIMES THEY GET FACTS WRONG NOUNS!!!! ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS MOVING TO DALLAS BUSINESS?!! ITS NOT TOO LATE, MOVE HOME!!! YOU CAN HAVE THE GAME ROOM!!!
me: k byyyyeee
NG: YOU SHOULD TAKE THE CAT TO PROTECT YOU!!
me: goodnight. (click.)
everytime i talk to nanny-goat i feel like she should be besties with shoulders' mom.
update: my mom (nanny-goat) calls here is the conversation that transpires.
NG: OH MY GOD NOUNS!! DID YOU JUST GET SHOT?!? (all caps bc shes YELLING)
me: no, mom, i did not get shot.
NG: DID YOU HEAR?!?
me: yes mom, i heard.
NG: A 43 YEAR OLD WOMAN GOT SHOT OUTSIDE NORDSTROM WAITING FOR HER DAUGHTER!!!!
me: you know it was a 43 year old woman and still called to see if it was me? i'm going to bed. good night.
NG: SOMETIMES THEY GET FACTS WRONG NOUNS!!!! ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS MOVING TO DALLAS BUSINESS?!! ITS NOT TOO LATE, MOVE HOME!!! YOU CAN HAVE THE GAME ROOM!!!
me: k byyyyeee
NG: YOU SHOULD TAKE THE CAT TO PROTECT YOU!!
me: goodnight. (click.)
everytime i talk to nanny-goat i feel like she should be besties with shoulders' mom.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
seven days without booze makes one weak.
I'm living in a "hotel" in Dallas alone, I have $1.16 in my checking account, and I haven't had a drop of booze since last Wednesday. This explains why these are the contents of my fridge:
-Half full gallon of milk
-6 assorted flavors of Activa yogurt (that's all they had at CVS)
-2 heels from a loaf of bread. That's right, just the heels.
-Peanut butter
-Honey
-Duncan Donuts coffee (but no working coffee maker)
-2 frozen entrees
This is my sustanance until next Wednesday. I'd buy more food but clearly that is not an option, so I guess I'll just be one hot skinny bitch.
On an unrelated note, I think I was just a vicitim of reverse prostitution (where someone takes your shit when you dont sleep with them). One of my friends that I accidentally hooked up with after a victorious game of frat boy bingo (read: a tuesday night characterized by extreme intoxication) and then refused to sleep with on multiple occasions (he is an ex-roommate of mine, my ex's best friend, and also a dude) sent me this series of text messages.
me: I'm an asshole for leaving without saying goodbye... i'll come visit you in houston??
him: maybe if you weren't gay
me: i know i'm pretty gay.
him: yea you suck
me: thanks
him: you are shitty
him: thanks for the office.
me: oh ya i want that back.
him: no
me: you can't just keep it
him: it's mine
me: how do you figure?
him: ur gay
him: die
Ladies, let this be a lesson, if you keep your morals in tact, no one will like you and they will steal all of your seasons of you favorite mockumentary.
-Half full gallon of milk
-6 assorted flavors of Activa yogurt (that's all they had at CVS)
-2 heels from a loaf of bread. That's right, just the heels.
-Peanut butter
-Honey
-Duncan Donuts coffee (but no working coffee maker)
-2 frozen entrees
This is my sustanance until next Wednesday. I'd buy more food but clearly that is not an option, so I guess I'll just be one hot skinny bitch.
On an unrelated note, I think I was just a vicitim of reverse prostitution (where someone takes your shit when you dont sleep with them). One of my friends that I accidentally hooked up with after a victorious game of frat boy bingo (read: a tuesday night characterized by extreme intoxication) and then refused to sleep with on multiple occasions (he is an ex-roommate of mine, my ex's best friend, and also a dude) sent me this series of text messages.
me: I'm an asshole for leaving without saying goodbye... i'll come visit you in houston??
him: maybe if you weren't gay
me: i know i'm pretty gay.
him: yea you suck
me: thanks
him: you are shitty
him: thanks for the office.
me: oh ya i want that back.
him: no
me: you can't just keep it
him: it's mine
me: how do you figure?
him: ur gay
him: die
Ladies, let this be a lesson, if you keep your morals in tact, no one will like you and they will steal all of your seasons of you favorite mockumentary.
Condensed GP
More ridiculouness.
Venus, a bunch of 204 girls and I finally make it down town after multiple beers at the campus bar. There is a bar crawl going on with drink specials at three different bars for the different hours of the night. We make it to our bar where the first special is happening. Shots are bought and all is looking good.
Drummer and I had discussed meeting up at the bar crawl, and on cue he is there at our bar. We take a shot and grab a drink, then it is off to the second bar on the tour.
Luckily Drummer had gone on ahead with his friends because when I arrived at the second bar Bed Maker was standing there. As I am hoping he didn't see me, he walks over to say hi. Yada Yada Yada, akward conversation but its over. Lets hope thats the last chapter in that story.
Leave with Venus and two others over to the shot bar (not on the bar crawl) to see if our bartender friend is working there that night. He is not. Boo. Shots anyway.
I text drummer that we are going to stop by our bar before heading over to the last bar on the bar crawl stop. He meets us at our bar and at this point things get a little hazy. Its only 11:45.
I know I am pretty gone because I am holding hands with drummer as we move around the bars and I barely know this kid. More drinks of course. Someone said they saw me at the last bar and I looked to be in control so thats good. Get a message from LC the next day asking what happened to me and where did I go. Oops.
Break to next morning.
Wake up at 9:30. Figure out through context clues that I am at Drummer's. Check my phone - no missed calls, so thats good. Its raining and thundering outside, so I assume the Boat Party I was planning to attend will be cancelled.
Wake up again at 10 to call Boat Party and she informs me that it is indeed still on. Shit. I want to go, but I am supposed to meet people at my house at 10:30 and I have no car and look a mess.
So I shake drummer awake and he drives me back to Venus' where my car is parked. Oops. Car is not parked there. I have to call Drummer to come back and pick me up and take me to where my car actually is.
Get home at 10:40, not bad considering. BDV is already there, I told him I'd be 5 minutes. I was actually 15, but whatever. I throw my suit on, put my uniform (I have a kickball game to coach at 5) in my bag, grab a bottle of water and a yogurt and we are off. Its me, Boat Party, BDV, Taylor Swift (the boys call her that..I guess she looks like her?) and Watch Out Friends (aka Realtor's Cousin because he seems to hook up with all of my friends).
Everyone is hungry so we stop at a place for breakfast tacos. I grab a potato and egg, as well as a chopped beef sandwhich. When you are still wasted at 11 in the morning, a chopped beef sandwhich sounded perfect.
Get to the lake with plenty of time to spare. The four of them get out to start to drink. I curl up in a ball in the backseat of BP's truck to die. Last night must have really kicked my ass. Its about time to head to the boat and I know the only way I am going to get through it is to start drinking again. So I grab a beer and get started.
The party was a lot of fun, there was a slide and 2nd story jump off, flip cup and music. The best part was Watch Out Friends throwing up off the upper deck. He says he got a warm beer. I call BS. That time throwing up was funny, when BDV did it in the seat next to me on the way back to town with a window that wouldn't roll down that wasn't funny.
BP gets me to my game only 10 minutes late, which was impressive because the boat docked 30 minutes later than we had planned. Luckily I had texted my dad and assitant coach to get warm up started for me.
We finish warm ups and start the game and I am feeling pretty good. At one point I start to lean on a pole of the dugout and miss it. I didn't fall all the way down, but I had to grab at the fence to stay up. My assistant coach (16 and in high school) starts cracking up because she knew where I had been. Our other coach (40 something and a mom) has no idea where I have been and I don't want her to know, so my assistant and I try to play it off like one of the girls said something funny and thats what we were laughing at. I love her.
Get home with full intentions of going out again, but take a nap first. Naps are the kiss of death. Once you lay down there is pretty much no way you're getting up again. Needless to say I bailed on BP and WOF.
I had been texting with Drummer throughout the day and we decided to pick a night when both of us will not be pass out drunk so we can actually hang out. He suggested dinner and a movie. I think I can handle that.
Venus, a bunch of 204 girls and I finally make it down town after multiple beers at the campus bar. There is a bar crawl going on with drink specials at three different bars for the different hours of the night. We make it to our bar where the first special is happening. Shots are bought and all is looking good.
Drummer and I had discussed meeting up at the bar crawl, and on cue he is there at our bar. We take a shot and grab a drink, then it is off to the second bar on the tour.
Luckily Drummer had gone on ahead with his friends because when I arrived at the second bar Bed Maker was standing there. As I am hoping he didn't see me, he walks over to say hi. Yada Yada Yada, akward conversation but its over. Lets hope thats the last chapter in that story.
Leave with Venus and two others over to the shot bar (not on the bar crawl) to see if our bartender friend is working there that night. He is not. Boo. Shots anyway.
I text drummer that we are going to stop by our bar before heading over to the last bar on the bar crawl stop. He meets us at our bar and at this point things get a little hazy. Its only 11:45.
I know I am pretty gone because I am holding hands with drummer as we move around the bars and I barely know this kid. More drinks of course. Someone said they saw me at the last bar and I looked to be in control so thats good. Get a message from LC the next day asking what happened to me and where did I go. Oops.
Break to next morning.
Wake up at 9:30. Figure out through context clues that I am at Drummer's. Check my phone - no missed calls, so thats good. Its raining and thundering outside, so I assume the Boat Party I was planning to attend will be cancelled.
Wake up again at 10 to call Boat Party and she informs me that it is indeed still on. Shit. I want to go, but I am supposed to meet people at my house at 10:30 and I have no car and look a mess.
So I shake drummer awake and he drives me back to Venus' where my car is parked. Oops. Car is not parked there. I have to call Drummer to come back and pick me up and take me to where my car actually is.
Get home at 10:40, not bad considering. BDV is already there, I told him I'd be 5 minutes. I was actually 15, but whatever. I throw my suit on, put my uniform (I have a kickball game to coach at 5) in my bag, grab a bottle of water and a yogurt and we are off. Its me, Boat Party, BDV, Taylor Swift (the boys call her that..I guess she looks like her?) and Watch Out Friends (aka Realtor's Cousin because he seems to hook up with all of my friends).
Everyone is hungry so we stop at a place for breakfast tacos. I grab a potato and egg, as well as a chopped beef sandwhich. When you are still wasted at 11 in the morning, a chopped beef sandwhich sounded perfect.
Get to the lake with plenty of time to spare. The four of them get out to start to drink. I curl up in a ball in the backseat of BP's truck to die. Last night must have really kicked my ass. Its about time to head to the boat and I know the only way I am going to get through it is to start drinking again. So I grab a beer and get started.
The party was a lot of fun, there was a slide and 2nd story jump off, flip cup and music. The best part was Watch Out Friends throwing up off the upper deck. He says he got a warm beer. I call BS. That time throwing up was funny, when BDV did it in the seat next to me on the way back to town with a window that wouldn't roll down that wasn't funny.
BP gets me to my game only 10 minutes late, which was impressive because the boat docked 30 minutes later than we had planned. Luckily I had texted my dad and assitant coach to get warm up started for me.
We finish warm ups and start the game and I am feeling pretty good. At one point I start to lean on a pole of the dugout and miss it. I didn't fall all the way down, but I had to grab at the fence to stay up. My assistant coach (16 and in high school) starts cracking up because she knew where I had been. Our other coach (40 something and a mom) has no idea where I have been and I don't want her to know, so my assistant and I try to play it off like one of the girls said something funny and thats what we were laughing at. I love her.
Get home with full intentions of going out again, but take a nap first. Naps are the kiss of death. Once you lay down there is pretty much no way you're getting up again. Needless to say I bailed on BP and WOF.
I had been texting with Drummer throughout the day and we decided to pick a night when both of us will not be pass out drunk so we can actually hang out. He suggested dinner and a movie. I think I can handle that.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Hey! Toss me one of those biscuits!
I've traveled to the business school to study where I have yet to open my notes. Instead I.....
- Calculated that even if I get a D in the class my GPA will move less than a tenth of a point. The same goes for an A. HAH!
- Counted that of the 5 other people in here 4 are in my class.
- Checked up on www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com. #99 describes me to a T.
- Danced in my chair to "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me" by Billy Joel
- Texted one of my group members to bring me a pencil when he comes to campus. Because, of course, I forget the one essential for taking a scantron test.
- Downed a thermos of coffee....even though its making my stomach hurt. Addictions, addictions...
- Laughed out loud hysterically to what might be the funniest video I've ever seen....
http://thesuperficial.com/2008/05/bill_oreilly_is_a_man_who_stay.php
- Witnessed an AZN invasion break for lunch. They were eating......POPEYES. Wtf?? Is there even a Popeyes near here?? I think not.
Oh Tuesday, so far you are a silly, silly day!!
- Calculated that even if I get a D in the class my GPA will move less than a tenth of a point. The same goes for an A. HAH!
- Counted that of the 5 other people in here 4 are in my class.
- Checked up on www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com. #99 describes me to a T.
- Danced in my chair to "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me" by Billy Joel
- Texted one of my group members to bring me a pencil when he comes to campus. Because, of course, I forget the one essential for taking a scantron test.
- Downed a thermos of coffee....even though its making my stomach hurt. Addictions, addictions...
- Laughed out loud hysterically to what might be the funniest video I've ever seen....
http://thesuperficial.com/2008/05/bill_oreilly_is_a_man_who_stay.php
- Witnessed an AZN invasion break for lunch. They were eating......POPEYES. Wtf?? Is there even a Popeyes near here?? I think not.
Oh Tuesday, so far you are a silly, silly day!!
Venus goes on a date, hilarity ensues?
That's right....an actual date. I can hardly believe it myself. After about a week and a half of no-call from TB I get a text from him Friday afternoon as I'm on my way to the library (I don't want to talk about it....I'm STILL not done with school). The Suite 204 girls just happen to be in the car with me which I refuse to believe is a strange coincidence. Anyway, he says we need to get together and I just go ahead and tell him that Saturday night would be great for me. I no longer have the patience to be coy and cute. Forward and brash seems to be working out much better for me. Why try and be something you're not??
So TB and I go out Saturday night. Ten minutes before he is about to pick me up it starts to rain. Then, it starts to pour. THEN, 30 seconds before he is about to arrive at my house it starts to hail. I don't even let him come to the door....no reason for the both of us to get soaked and I make a run for his car. We went and had dinner/drinks at a place I had never been before so that was fun. Played pool and he kicked my ass. Which was definitely a good thing. I have issues with dating guys who are bad at sports (not that I consider pool a sport per se, but it does require skills that I think a guy should have).
All in all a really good date. No kiss at the end which was disappointing but I guess I'm not that forward yet. Besides, we had plans to go out with our respective groups of friends and meet up DT.
At this point I have consumed 3 beers at dinner. I get home and LC is studying at the kitchen table. I am soooo antsy. So I hop on over to the Tetco and pick up a 12 pack of beer. Start in on one of those and the Suite 204 girls pick me up. We pre-game in their room where i drink 2 more beers. I'm six beers in and have yet to make it DT.
We make it DT and I consume a "Cactus Juice" (Read: Everclear) an H-bomb and 2 vodka sodas. Then, we go to the bar where he and I met. We have been inside for maybe 5 minutes and I see him stumble in. That's right....stumble. Now keep in mind my drink count at this point. I should probably be on the floor, but for some reason my tolerance is through the roof (who am I kidding....anyone who reads this blog can tell why my tolerance is through the roof). TB is a goner. He's not a sloppy drunk....just clearly needs to go home and tells me so.
It's really nbd that he's wasted, but try telling that to a gaggle of drunk girls. I had put expectations on the night (Read: I wanted to DANCE!) and they had flown the coup along with TB's sobriety. Naturally, we all made a bit of a bigger deal out of the situation than it was worth.
Luckily, I manage not to act like a total drunk crazy and I say bye to him and go back into the bar where I stay for the remaining hour of the night and actually end up having a really fun time.
The next day, I am not worried at all that he won't contact me at some point. I'm not really sure why...I've never felt this confident about a guy's interest in me before. Sure enough I receive an apology text and we have been texting since (he and I both have our respective finance finals today, so we have been "studying" for 2 days).
Anyway, we will see where this all goes. I think I'm so calm about the whole situation because we both know I'm moving in 3 weeks. No pressure....hopefully just fun.
Back to the grind....I've already wasted too much study time on this post. Last final of my college career at 2....drinks directly after.
So TB and I go out Saturday night. Ten minutes before he is about to pick me up it starts to rain. Then, it starts to pour. THEN, 30 seconds before he is about to arrive at my house it starts to hail. I don't even let him come to the door....no reason for the both of us to get soaked and I make a run for his car. We went and had dinner/drinks at a place I had never been before so that was fun. Played pool and he kicked my ass. Which was definitely a good thing. I have issues with dating guys who are bad at sports (not that I consider pool a sport per se, but it does require skills that I think a guy should have).
All in all a really good date. No kiss at the end which was disappointing but I guess I'm not that forward yet. Besides, we had plans to go out with our respective groups of friends and meet up DT.
At this point I have consumed 3 beers at dinner. I get home and LC is studying at the kitchen table. I am soooo antsy. So I hop on over to the Tetco and pick up a 12 pack of beer. Start in on one of those and the Suite 204 girls pick me up. We pre-game in their room where i drink 2 more beers. I'm six beers in and have yet to make it DT.
We make it DT and I consume a "Cactus Juice" (Read: Everclear) an H-bomb and 2 vodka sodas. Then, we go to the bar where he and I met. We have been inside for maybe 5 minutes and I see him stumble in. That's right....stumble. Now keep in mind my drink count at this point. I should probably be on the floor, but for some reason my tolerance is through the roof (who am I kidding....anyone who reads this blog can tell why my tolerance is through the roof). TB is a goner. He's not a sloppy drunk....just clearly needs to go home and tells me so.
It's really nbd that he's wasted, but try telling that to a gaggle of drunk girls. I had put expectations on the night (Read: I wanted to DANCE!) and they had flown the coup along with TB's sobriety. Naturally, we all made a bit of a bigger deal out of the situation than it was worth.
Luckily, I manage not to act like a total drunk crazy and I say bye to him and go back into the bar where I stay for the remaining hour of the night and actually end up having a really fun time.
The next day, I am not worried at all that he won't contact me at some point. I'm not really sure why...I've never felt this confident about a guy's interest in me before. Sure enough I receive an apology text and we have been texting since (he and I both have our respective finance finals today, so we have been "studying" for 2 days).
Anyway, we will see where this all goes. I think I'm so calm about the whole situation because we both know I'm moving in 3 weeks. No pressure....hopefully just fun.
Back to the grind....I've already wasted too much study time on this post. Last final of my college career at 2....drinks directly after.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Grown up? Nah
I have been pretty distracted with everything I have had going on lately. I think I overbook myself sometimes to keep me from myself.
Tonight I had some me time after drinks and a movie with Vandy because everyone else was unable to go with me to Drummer's thing tonight. It turned out to be a good thing..
I got to watch some of my DVRed shows from tonight and just chill. I got to thinking about how big of a deal moving to Dallas is going to be for me. I have never left Austin for longer than three weeks, and this trip to Dallas has no return trip booked any time soon. Its really scary to me.
Once OTH ended I switched it to a digital music channel to get ready to bed to. And of all the 100s of songs that channel is playing it happened to be my most favorite and immature song of the moment: Leavin' by Jesse McCartney. As soon as I heard it I knew it was fate telling to stop being such a sap and realize that I am 22 and what I need to be doing right now is Leavin'. Just because I am going to Dallas and have a real job waiting for me there does not mean that I have to grow up.
I had a momentary lapse, but I am back and ready to continue this crazy party that will be the next month of my life and embark on the craziness that will be my Dallas life after that with three amazing girls.
Tonight I had some me time after drinks and a movie with Vandy because everyone else was unable to go with me to Drummer's thing tonight. It turned out to be a good thing..
I got to watch some of my DVRed shows from tonight and just chill. I got to thinking about how big of a deal moving to Dallas is going to be for me. I have never left Austin for longer than three weeks, and this trip to Dallas has no return trip booked any time soon. Its really scary to me.
Once OTH ended I switched it to a digital music channel to get ready to bed to. And of all the 100s of songs that channel is playing it happened to be my most favorite and immature song of the moment: Leavin' by Jesse McCartney. As soon as I heard it I knew it was fate telling to stop being such a sap and realize that I am 22 and what I need to be doing right now is Leavin'. Just because I am going to Dallas and have a real job waiting for me there does not mean that I have to grow up.
I had a momentary lapse, but I am back and ready to continue this crazy party that will be the next month of my life and embark on the craziness that will be my Dallas life after that with three amazing girls.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Little Drummer Boy
Last week a very attractive man walked into our bar. I immediately call dibs. Shoulders later told me that it doesn't count if I don't death grip the arm of the girl I am alerting the dibs call to. But that's neither here nor there, Boat Party knew what I meant.
Anyway, I do a little lurk and smirk and we get to talking. This man turns out the be a drummer for a band. He's pretty cool and he gets my number. Some texting ensues and I made plans to attend a gig they were playing at our bar's sister bar.
The gig was last night. Vanderbilt is with me as my wingman and Shoulders arrives shortly after us. She had the audacity to think about not coming out, but she did. We listen to the band, or rather drink to the music of the band.
I find out my cousin is having his bachelor party on 6th tonight...fun times. I decided to say hi and meet them earlier rather than later when gross disgusting bachelor party things are sure to happen, and I don't want to see my cousin like that. We go say hi and have a drink. I love my cousin. Don't love his married douchebaggy friend who decides its ok to hit on Shoulders.
Interjection: Earlier the three of us had discussed our taste in men so as to not step on any toes when we were on the prowl. I have learned what Vandy likes, the exact opposite of what I do. So we are good there. I told Shoulders I hadn't figured out what she looks for.
"Its simple...do they have lips?"
So after my cousin's friend hits on Shoulders, she turns to me and says
"Now I have two requirements, lips and not married."
We bounce around between a few bars, and end up at the big beer bar. At this point I don't know much about what is going on. What I do know is that I have texted drummer to alert him that I left and for him to let me know when they are done. I needed some reward for being good and staying for most of the night..
As 2 am rolls around Vandy's law school "friend" appears with his near little person status buddy. They ambush Vandy, and she decides she is going home with them. Shoulders appears with a bandannaed man. I tried my luck with two boys standing at the bar earlier that Vandy said were hott. They were Juniors and bought me a bottled miller lite. You just don't do that at the big beer bar. So I was left with nothing but trying to wait for Drummer to be done.
Shoulders had her car so she agrees to drop me off at Vandy's where my car is. Together with Bandanna Man we all ride. I get to my car and take the long way home. 1 to avoid cops on the highway and 2 to kill time in case Drummer calls.
Here is the correspondence that begins at 2:42.
Drummer: Finished
Me: So what are you doing now?
Drummer: I guess heading home
Me: No. That's boring. I'm at 6th and Lamar. Let's hang out.
Dummer: Where?
Me: Don't care
Drummer: Well I need to know
Me: Need to know what. Where I'm going to pick you up or where we're going to hang out?
Drummer: Eitheq
Me: I have no idea what that means (Looking back that is obviously supposed to be either, but after a good long night at the bars it was jibberish to me)
Drummer: Which ever.
Me: I'm calling you
He gives me directions to his house. Its south south. I live north north. I don't do past the river, only for Vandy and she is only one block south of the river.
His directions make sense in my head, but I could not find the interstate. I hate South Austin. Yeah, I was that lost that I couldn't find the major highway.
at 3:21
Me: South Austin sucks.
Drummer: Yeah I know. Where are u?
Me: Trying to find [the road he told me to take off the highway]
Drummer: Your first exit
Drummer: If you past [road that I actually know] you're too far
Me: Its north of [the road I actually know]?
Drive some more and find it, exit the right road and then I call him per his instructions. He thought I wouldnt be able to handle all of the directions at once. He was right.
3:32 call, no answer
3:35 call, no answer
So I am down in southland awaiting further instructions and Drummer passes out on me. In his defense though 50 minutes has passed since he first texted me. But still, I was a little perturbed.
Me: You owe me..
11:01 this morning
Drummer: Oh man. I am so sorry. I cannot believe I past out. I feel really bad u drove down here. I do owe u..
Drummer: Im really sorry. I woke up on my couch earlier, i said to myself..u gotta be kidding me!
I told him he can make it up to me if he meets me out tonight. He said cool.
So tonight is my big graduation party with Realtor's cousin. The party is at my house and then the plan is to go dt afterward to drink more and celebrate the twins' birthday which is tomorrow. I told Bed Maker on Monday that he should meet us out too. But now I have changed my mind and I want Drummer. Can someone call Bed Maker and tell him for me?
Update:
Me: I have been all over the place today trying to get the house ready. It is crazy over here.
Bed Maker: I figured u were pretty busy, just wanted to tell ya hey and have fun tonight.
Me: Thank you. I don't want you to feel like I am stringing you along or anything like that. Its just I can't be as available as I was before. These next two weeks are going to be nuts with graduation, my birthday, Europe and moving to Dallas.Plus kickball and trying to make sure I spend time with all my different groups of friends I am leaving behind before I go. I just want to make sure you understand where my head is at.
Bed Maker: No worries, that's what I figured.
Now I know thats all very serious and mature of me...but I still did it over texts. Hopefully he got the message.
Anyway, I do a little lurk and smirk and we get to talking. This man turns out the be a drummer for a band. He's pretty cool and he gets my number. Some texting ensues and I made plans to attend a gig they were playing at our bar's sister bar.
The gig was last night. Vanderbilt is with me as my wingman and Shoulders arrives shortly after us. She had the audacity to think about not coming out, but she did. We listen to the band, or rather drink to the music of the band.
I find out my cousin is having his bachelor party on 6th tonight...fun times. I decided to say hi and meet them earlier rather than later when gross disgusting bachelor party things are sure to happen, and I don't want to see my cousin like that. We go say hi and have a drink. I love my cousin. Don't love his married douchebaggy friend who decides its ok to hit on Shoulders.
Interjection: Earlier the three of us had discussed our taste in men so as to not step on any toes when we were on the prowl. I have learned what Vandy likes, the exact opposite of what I do. So we are good there. I told Shoulders I hadn't figured out what she looks for.
"Its simple...do they have lips?"
So after my cousin's friend hits on Shoulders, she turns to me and says
"Now I have two requirements, lips and not married."
We bounce around between a few bars, and end up at the big beer bar. At this point I don't know much about what is going on. What I do know is that I have texted drummer to alert him that I left and for him to let me know when they are done. I needed some reward for being good and staying for most of the night..
As 2 am rolls around Vandy's law school "friend" appears with his near little person status buddy. They ambush Vandy, and she decides she is going home with them. Shoulders appears with a bandannaed man. I tried my luck with two boys standing at the bar earlier that Vandy said were hott. They were Juniors and bought me a bottled miller lite. You just don't do that at the big beer bar. So I was left with nothing but trying to wait for Drummer to be done.
Shoulders had her car so she agrees to drop me off at Vandy's where my car is. Together with Bandanna Man we all ride. I get to my car and take the long way home. 1 to avoid cops on the highway and 2 to kill time in case Drummer calls.
Here is the correspondence that begins at 2:42.
Drummer: Finished
Me: So what are you doing now?
Drummer: I guess heading home
Me: No. That's boring. I'm at 6th and Lamar. Let's hang out.
Dummer: Where?
Me: Don't care
Drummer: Well I need to know
Me: Need to know what. Where I'm going to pick you up or where we're going to hang out?
Drummer: Eitheq
Me: I have no idea what that means (Looking back that is obviously supposed to be either, but after a good long night at the bars it was jibberish to me)
Drummer: Which ever.
Me: I'm calling you
He gives me directions to his house. Its south south. I live north north. I don't do past the river, only for Vandy and she is only one block south of the river.
His directions make sense in my head, but I could not find the interstate. I hate South Austin. Yeah, I was that lost that I couldn't find the major highway.
at 3:21
Me: South Austin sucks.
Drummer: Yeah I know. Where are u?
Me: Trying to find [the road he told me to take off the highway]
Drummer: Your first exit
Drummer: If you past [road that I actually know] you're too far
Me: Its north of [the road I actually know]?
Drive some more and find it, exit the right road and then I call him per his instructions. He thought I wouldnt be able to handle all of the directions at once. He was right.
3:32 call, no answer
3:35 call, no answer
So I am down in southland awaiting further instructions and Drummer passes out on me. In his defense though 50 minutes has passed since he first texted me. But still, I was a little perturbed.
Me: You owe me..
11:01 this morning
Drummer: Oh man. I am so sorry. I cannot believe I past out. I feel really bad u drove down here. I do owe u..
Drummer: Im really sorry. I woke up on my couch earlier, i said to myself..u gotta be kidding me!
I told him he can make it up to me if he meets me out tonight. He said cool.
So tonight is my big graduation party with Realtor's cousin. The party is at my house and then the plan is to go dt afterward to drink more and celebrate the twins' birthday which is tomorrow. I told Bed Maker on Monday that he should meet us out too. But now I have changed my mind and I want Drummer. Can someone call Bed Maker and tell him for me?
Update:
Me: I have been all over the place today trying to get the house ready. It is crazy over here.
Bed Maker: I figured u were pretty busy, just wanted to tell ya hey and have fun tonight.
Me: Thank you. I don't want you to feel like I am stringing you along or anything like that. Its just I can't be as available as I was before. These next two weeks are going to be nuts with graduation, my birthday, Europe and moving to Dallas.Plus kickball and trying to make sure I spend time with all my different groups of friends I am leaving behind before I go. I just want to make sure you understand where my head is at.
Bed Maker: No worries, that's what I figured.
Now I know thats all very serious and mature of me...but I still did it over texts. Hopefully he got the message.
Friday, May 9, 2008
G 1 2 3
I just want to let it be known that I love Boat Party's elevator at her apartment. It seems to always be there when I need it.
Such as:
Last night at 3 am. CA drove me back to Boat Party's and walked me up in case she didn't leave the door unlocked. Thank goodness the elevator was there waiting on the ground floor for me. This greatly reduced the amount of akward standing around time with CA.
This morning at 9 am. Woke up at BP's. She had left the door unlocked for me, so I got to stay there. I change back into my dress and collect my things. I am looking to minimize the amount of time I have to be seen in my state. So when I get to the elevator, it was already on the third floor as if it had been waiting for me since CA dropped me off.
This morning at 9:10 am. Walk my still drunk self over to where my car is parked, get in and asses the situation. I need to go by school and pick up my senior design reoprt. But I don't want to drive all the way up north to change just to come back down where I am right now. This means I have to go to school in my present state. I reach for my makeup...its not there. Drive back to BP's to get it. Park with my hazards in a loading zone and again the elevator is there. By this point I have to smile. Get up to BP's and she is still in bed, and surprised to see me.
"What's up?"
"I left my make up", in my grossest alcoholic smoker voice.
"You are a mess."
Thank you BP. That about sums it up.
The elevator thing might not seem like much, but I am all about instant gratification. So when I push that button and the doors automatically open up to greet me, I am happy.
Such as:
Last night at 3 am. CA drove me back to Boat Party's and walked me up in case she didn't leave the door unlocked. Thank goodness the elevator was there waiting on the ground floor for me. This greatly reduced the amount of akward standing around time with CA.
This morning at 9 am. Woke up at BP's. She had left the door unlocked for me, so I got to stay there. I change back into my dress and collect my things. I am looking to minimize the amount of time I have to be seen in my state. So when I get to the elevator, it was already on the third floor as if it had been waiting for me since CA dropped me off.
This morning at 9:10 am. Walk my still drunk self over to where my car is parked, get in and asses the situation. I need to go by school and pick up my senior design reoprt. But I don't want to drive all the way up north to change just to come back down where I am right now. This means I have to go to school in my present state. I reach for my makeup...its not there. Drive back to BP's to get it. Park with my hazards in a loading zone and again the elevator is there. By this point I have to smile. Get up to BP's and she is still in bed, and surprised to see me.
"What's up?"
"I left my make up", in my grossest alcoholic smoker voice.
"You are a mess."
Thank you BP. That about sums it up.
The elevator thing might not seem like much, but I am all about instant gratification. So when I push that button and the doors automatically open up to greet me, I am happy.
Tidbits
There are so many things I could blog about right now that I don't even know where to start. It is currently 12:56 and I am still a little drunk at work. So lets play this fun game where I tell you things that have been said to me in the last 24 hours. This is going to be a REAL gigglefest.
Me (to Venus): "My life is silly"
Sandwich shop employee: "easy there, don't use such strong words"
Me: "sorry sir, that is pretty much the only adjective that is appropriate."
Old friend: "Are you a hair model?"
(Venus lies and tells him I am in fact a hair model, I have no job, I just model hair he believes her)
Old friend: "If I had hair like that I would never have to work a day in my life"
Me: "I don't work, I just get deposits."
Old Friend: "I just want to do your hair all crazy"
Venus: "That's kind of kinky."
An Email conversation with my mother:
Hey,
what day are you leaving for your mexico trip?
wish i was going w/you! take sunscreen to avoid sun damage that i suffer from now...
luv u.
mom
(yes, my 50 year old mother just said "luv u.")
I replied with some mundane talk about moving, nothing you need to waste your time reading. She agrees to move me on Memorial Day because then she doesn't have to waste any vacation time.
..is a holiday, Memorial Day. JS and I are both off. ls
(please note that my mother signs almost all emails with her initials, because I am incapable of figuring out who is emailing me by reading the email address which is first.lastname@herjob.com)
Oh perfect.... want to spend your holiday lifting heavy things?
i will move your pillows for you.
actually, you should ditch your pillows, buy new ones!
This is going to sound strange... but who are my godparents? We were talking about it last night and I have no idea who mine are.
that is sad and what is sadder, I'm not sure, I will look it up- I kind of think it is someone you don't even know.
It may be our past priest and wife- The what's-their-names? They moved off from Mineola. OK, I will look it up. so sorry. do you want new ones? who would they be? ls
Donald and Melania Trump? At least then I would have gotten some money for graduation.
This might be worse than the time you told me you forgot my name for a whole day.
It was not for the whole day....only a moment in time. Its a hard job being a mom...
Especially when [My Asshole Brother] is one of your children
Oh, I love you all more than you'll ever know....you might know some day when you have children of your own!
Mother - You know how I feel about having children
(no reply, probably because she is currently praying for my salvation or talking to my dog.)
Then at work, I turn to Karyn and for some reason tell her I am still drunk, that I was drunk yesterday, and will probably be drunk again tonight. She loves this about me. Karen and I bond over talk about sandals and how we can't be bothered to buy expensive ones because we destroy things.
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME, I AM FRIENDS WITH KAREN??!?!?!
I have a 20 minute conversation with the guy who just got engaged at my office about Top Chef. He says he likes Dale, I tell him to go get a CAT scan. Then I say"
Me: "I'd really like to like Richard, I mean, he seems like a legit chef, but hes just such a douche bag."
Recently engaged guy: "Uh, wow, don't hold back, tell me how you really feel."
I HAVE TURNED IN TO KAREN ... I REPEAT, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME??!?!?!
He leaves, comes back a bit later and says THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD:
Recently engaged guy: "Everyone is engaged. You are engaged right? I mean I know you have a serious boyfriend."
Me: (can't speak, laughing too hard)
Recently engaged guy: "What's so funny?"
Me: "HAD a boyfriend of three years, we broke up like 2 weeks after I started working here."
(he starts to feel awkward)
Me: "Oh, its fine, I had 8 months to mull it over, I can't be bothered by it anymore."
Him: "Oh..."
Me: "I am pretty much the most single anyone can possibly be."
(crickets)
Me: "Wait, that sounded pathetic. I am pretty much the most single anyone can possibly be AND I FREAKING LOVE IT. There, much better"
(he all but runs out of the room)
My Facebook Wall:
Lyrical Cabbage says - Just opened my wallet thingy to find the business card of the man who drove us home on Wednesday night. In case you forgot, he was both a caterer AND a cab driver. AMAZING.
My text message inbox: "You are a puss...we're here and you didn't even bother to say hi you bitch."
My G Chat:
(For a little context...when I was drunk yesterday morning I asked my friend NoPantsParty to steal back some of my sorority koozies from my ex-boyfriend)
NoPantsParty: so i have bad news
me: oh no...
NoPantsParty: i went to joes last nightto do a little recon
there were two coozies in the drawer
one was purple and said something about eggs
me: i know the one
NoPantsParty: and the other was tiger and i dont remember what it said
so then i went back this morning after he had left for work
because joe said he had a huge stack of them on his dresser
NoPantsParty: but he must have moved them because they werent there
or IN his dresser
NoPantsParty: or on/in his desk
or in his closet
or under his bed
or in the bathroom
(I love her dedication - not only did she try to rob them from his kitchen, she went into his room, then dug through his underwear drawer for me, and his bathroom, and under his bed, I mean...wow. I need more friends like this)
me: its like he KNEW
Well, thats pretty typical... its not enough for that asshole to just shit all over my life, he has to throw out my koozies too
So the point of all of this is that, as you can see, through ANY form of communication, I am a hot mess. I have to go to a company wide meeting at 3pm where I fully intend to say more increasingly awkward things. Bet on it.
UPDATE: I just received this email:
After today’s company meeting we are having a happy hour at Baby Acapulco’s #3, 5610 N IH-35 (southbound frontage of I-35) around 5pm. First round is on us.
Come join us!
THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST DAY EVER.
Me (to Venus): "My life is silly"
Sandwich shop employee: "easy there, don't use such strong words"
Me: "sorry sir, that is pretty much the only adjective that is appropriate."
Old friend: "Are you a hair model?"
(Venus lies and tells him I am in fact a hair model, I have no job, I just model hair he believes her)
Old friend: "If I had hair like that I would never have to work a day in my life"
Me: "I don't work, I just get deposits."
Old Friend: "I just want to do your hair all crazy"
Venus: "That's kind of kinky."
An Email conversation with my mother:
Hey,
what day are you leaving for your mexico trip?
wish i was going w/you! take sunscreen to avoid sun damage that i suffer from now...
luv u.
mom
(yes, my 50 year old mother just said "luv u.")
I replied with some mundane talk about moving, nothing you need to waste your time reading. She agrees to move me on Memorial Day because then she doesn't have to waste any vacation time.
..is a holiday, Memorial Day. JS and I are both off. ls
(please note that my mother signs almost all emails with her initials, because I am incapable of figuring out who is emailing me by reading the email address which is first.lastname@herjob.com)
Oh perfect.... want to spend your holiday lifting heavy things?
i will move your pillows for you.
actually, you should ditch your pillows, buy new ones!
This is going to sound strange... but who are my godparents? We were talking about it last night and I have no idea who mine are.
that is sad and what is sadder, I'm not sure, I will look it up- I kind of think it is someone you don't even know.
It may be our past priest and wife- The what's-their-names? They moved off from Mineola. OK, I will look it up. so sorry. do you want new ones? who would they be? ls
Donald and Melania Trump? At least then I would have gotten some money for graduation.
This might be worse than the time you told me you forgot my name for a whole day.
It was not for the whole day....only a moment in time. Its a hard job being a mom...
Especially when [My Asshole Brother] is one of your children
Oh, I love you all more than you'll ever know....you might know some day when you have children of your own!
Mother - You know how I feel about having children
(no reply, probably because she is currently praying for my salvation or talking to my dog.)
Then at work, I turn to Karyn and for some reason tell her I am still drunk, that I was drunk yesterday, and will probably be drunk again tonight. She loves this about me. Karen and I bond over talk about sandals and how we can't be bothered to buy expensive ones because we destroy things.
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME, I AM FRIENDS WITH KAREN??!?!?!
I have a 20 minute conversation with the guy who just got engaged at my office about Top Chef. He says he likes Dale, I tell him to go get a CAT scan. Then I say"
Me: "I'd really like to like Richard, I mean, he seems like a legit chef, but hes just such a douche bag."
Recently engaged guy: "Uh, wow, don't hold back, tell me how you really feel."
I HAVE TURNED IN TO KAREN ... I REPEAT, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME??!?!?!
He leaves, comes back a bit later and says THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD:
Recently engaged guy: "Everyone is engaged. You are engaged right? I mean I know you have a serious boyfriend."
Me: (can't speak, laughing too hard)
Recently engaged guy: "What's so funny?"
Me: "HAD a boyfriend of three years, we broke up like 2 weeks after I started working here."
(he starts to feel awkward)
Me: "Oh, its fine, I had 8 months to mull it over, I can't be bothered by it anymore."
Him: "Oh..."
Me: "I am pretty much the most single anyone can possibly be."
(crickets)
Me: "Wait, that sounded pathetic. I am pretty much the most single anyone can possibly be AND I FREAKING LOVE IT. There, much better"
(he all but runs out of the room)
My Facebook Wall:
Lyrical Cabbage says - Just opened my wallet thingy to find the business card of the man who drove us home on Wednesday night. In case you forgot, he was both a caterer AND a cab driver. AMAZING.
My text message inbox: "You are a puss...we're here and you didn't even bother to say hi you bitch."
My G Chat:
(For a little context...when I was drunk yesterday morning I asked my friend NoPantsParty to steal back some of my sorority koozies from my ex-boyfriend)
NoPantsParty: so i have bad news
me: oh no...
NoPantsParty: i went to joes last nightto do a little recon
there were two coozies in the drawer
one was purple and said something about eggs
me: i know the one
NoPantsParty: and the other was tiger and i dont remember what it said
so then i went back this morning after he had left for work
because joe said he had a huge stack of them on his dresser
NoPantsParty: but he must have moved them because they werent there
or IN his dresser
NoPantsParty: or on/in his desk
or in his closet
or under his bed
or in the bathroom
(I love her dedication - not only did she try to rob them from his kitchen, she went into his room, then dug through his underwear drawer for me, and his bathroom, and under his bed, I mean...wow. I need more friends like this)
me: its like he KNEW
Well, thats pretty typical... its not enough for that asshole to just shit all over my life, he has to throw out my koozies too
So the point of all of this is that, as you can see, through ANY form of communication, I am a hot mess. I have to go to a company wide meeting at 3pm where I fully intend to say more increasingly awkward things. Bet on it.
UPDATE: I just received this email:
After today’s company meeting we are having a happy hour at Baby Acapulco’s #3, 5610 N IH-35 (southbound frontage of I-35) around 5pm. First round is on us.
Come join us!
THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST DAY EVER.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Inside the Mind of a Genius
The Future Mrs. W. called me today and I relayed the story of meeting Dean of Gilmore Girls (which by the way I don't remember happening. Until I see the photo evidence I am assuming that Venus made up this elaborate story just to torture me.) She asked me a question at this point that really got me thinking.
Now, this is a very valid question because so far this week I have been out Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and I am certainly going out tonight. So I decided to analyze my decision making process a little more closely. And what is the best way to analyze decision making processes? With a flowchart. So here is my typical line of thinking:
"How do you go out every night of the week?"
Now, this is a very valid question because so far this week I have been out Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and I am certainly going out tonight. So I decided to analyze my decision making process a little more closely. And what is the best way to analyze decision making processes? With a flowchart. So here is my typical line of thinking:
As you can see, work is a major determining factor. Monday through Friday my decision making process usually ends right there. Since Karen is currently humming and another lady who could very well be my grandmother started this sentence earlier "When my friend Lance whips out his bong..." this is clearly where my quest ends tonight. However, on some rare occasions I move on to step two.
The Crazylady. I had a guy from Craig's List come over and look at my apartment today for subletting purposes and I bribed Venus with a sandwich to come hang out and make sure he wasn't going to try and kidnap me and sell me into an Asian prostitution ring. My mother still calls at 3 pm to make sure that I am not being held hostage. The following conversation resulted:
Me: Hello?
Crazylady: So you aren't dead huh?
Me: Hi to you too Mom. No, I told you [Venus] was going to be there. That guy was really normal.
Crazylady: They all seem normal.
Me: What do you mean "they all" it was one guy.
Crazylady: I'm just saying, I bet that Judas Iscariot seemed normal too.
Me: I'm at work, I can't talk about this now.
Crazylady: OK, I'll let you go.
Me: OK, bye
Crazylady: Did you know we got three inches of rain last night?
Me: Mom, I have to go.
Crazylady: Is it raining there?
Me: Are you serious?
Crazylady: Frankie says hello. She's laying on the couch just a-starin' out the window. I'm thinking of painting her toenails.
Me: I'm hanging up the phone now.
Crazylady: (psychotic laughter)
And that call wasn't even that bad comparatively. Now you know why I drink so much.
Now, on occasion I screen calls from my mother or she just doesn't call. She has gotten pretty good at leaving me alone on the weekend mostly because she knows I'm going to be annoyed and short tempered if she does call. That is where the third question comes in. I know you are thinking, this one is pointless, she can't possibly know that many people who are getting engaged or married.
EVERYONE IN MY LIFE IS GETTING ENGAGED OR MARRIED.***
***disclaimer: that excludes anyone who writes for this blog.
Two people in my office have gotten engaged or married in the last month. One was last weekend. I was also invited to the same shotgun wedding as Venus via Facebook. And oh yeah, I have to attend the Future Mrs. W's wedding next week (although that one is at an all inclusive resort in Mexico so I really have no complaints there. Nescecito mas magaritas y cervezas por favor - I've been practicing). Someone is ALWAYS getting married and it really freaking annoys me. I wish there was a filter on Facebook where I could select "do not inform me by any means of anything wedding or engagement related".
I rarely if ever arrive at "are you tired of answering questions." The answer to this is always yes which is kind of a win win situation because I get to drink, and I do not have to answer any more questions. Quite brilliant if you ask me.
Although, to be fair, a lot of the time I don't even know how I got started drinking. I just look down and there is a drink in my hand. So this diagram really isn't used all that often.
Shit, I just looked down and there was a beer in my hand. I don't know how this keeps happening, I'm at work for Gods sake. Well I guess that can only mean one thing. I don't have to answer any questions tonight, I'll just be drinking.
Good Bye Nouns!!
So I just made it home. Thanks only to myself and Hott Dad.
Hott Dad is friends with our bar's owner. When our bar's owner was behind the bar tonight, I brought up the linkage. Thus our drinks were free. Thanks Hott Dad, I've texted him mulitple times earlier in the night, but no response.
So I text HD at 2 am to thank him for the hook up/drinks. He responds. Are you kidding me?? Now you respond?
Nouns and I catch a cab and I text him, "why did you not respond to my texts before??"
"I was busy before"
Then I call HD when I get to my car. 1 - I need to figure out what his deal is. 2 - I want to know why he can text now and not before. 3 - I need a sober person to talk me home.
Sooo....on my drunk drive back to the northside I talk to HD for about 15 minutes. The reason he couldn't talk to me before is that he was getting Hott Dad Baby a shower and then putting her to bed. Then he passed out. He woke up to my text at 2 am, realized he loved me and then got into my drunk dialgouge. Poor HD.
He talked to my drunk ass all the way home. He kept me from swerving lane to lane. All I want to do is Hott Dad, and leave it at that. Damn Dallas...
Let's all take a moment to thank HD for saving my life..........
DONE.
Bed Maker was involved in this evening because I am a drunk ass and kept texting him. But he is sober...always, and would be a good ride home. But when I text the "do you want to come pick me up?" He responds with "not really, do you have a ride?"
From that Bed Maker and I are done. Not that we had anything in the first place, but yeah...He should know his role.
I just want to let it be known right now that I love, love, love Nouns, Shoulders, Venus and Cabbage. I can not wait to be up in Dallas with Venus, Nouns and TSDL so that we don't have to deal with this rifraff that is Austin's 6th street.
FYI my dress broke tonight! Are you fing kidding me? Two hugs and my dress peaces out? NO way. I expect more from my dress than that. I at least need some hott rando to break my dress. That way he can feel like a man and enjoy it. I need someone to benefit from my dress breaking.
So good night! Its 3 am and I have to work tomorrow..
Hott Dad is friends with our bar's owner. When our bar's owner was behind the bar tonight, I brought up the linkage. Thus our drinks were free. Thanks Hott Dad, I've texted him mulitple times earlier in the night, but no response.
So I text HD at 2 am to thank him for the hook up/drinks. He responds. Are you kidding me?? Now you respond?
Nouns and I catch a cab and I text him, "why did you not respond to my texts before??"
"I was busy before"
Then I call HD when I get to my car. 1 - I need to figure out what his deal is. 2 - I want to know why he can text now and not before. 3 - I need a sober person to talk me home.
Sooo....on my drunk drive back to the northside I talk to HD for about 15 minutes. The reason he couldn't talk to me before is that he was getting Hott Dad Baby a shower and then putting her to bed. Then he passed out. He woke up to my text at 2 am, realized he loved me and then got into my drunk dialgouge. Poor HD.
He talked to my drunk ass all the way home. He kept me from swerving lane to lane. All I want to do is Hott Dad, and leave it at that. Damn Dallas...
Let's all take a moment to thank HD for saving my life..........
DONE.
Bed Maker was involved in this evening because I am a drunk ass and kept texting him. But he is sober...always, and would be a good ride home. But when I text the "do you want to come pick me up?" He responds with "not really, do you have a ride?"
From that Bed Maker and I are done. Not that we had anything in the first place, but yeah...He should know his role.
I just want to let it be known right now that I love, love, love Nouns, Shoulders, Venus and Cabbage. I can not wait to be up in Dallas with Venus, Nouns and TSDL so that we don't have to deal with this rifraff that is Austin's 6th street.
FYI my dress broke tonight! Are you fing kidding me? Two hugs and my dress peaces out? NO way. I expect more from my dress than that. I at least need some hott rando to break my dress. That way he can feel like a man and enjoy it. I need someone to benefit from my dress breaking.
So good night! Its 3 am and I have to work tomorrow..
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
On My Hour and a Half in Hell and Other Such Absurdities
I decided to use my lunch break today to replace my drivers license because some whore recently stole it. The following is a chronicle of the events that occured there.
(1:58 pm) I left my office and headed to the bank to replace my debit card. The man who was kind enough to cancel it for me over the phone assured me that any local branch could replace it for me. HE LIED. I wish I had gotten his name because his supervisor would be receiving a strongly worded letter. I cashed a check instead and suddenly realized what it feels like to do "hoodrat" things.
(2:11 pm) I arrive at the Department of Motor Vehicles License Office. I walk up to the lady at the information desk and explain my plight.
Me: Some whore stole my license. I need to have it replaced.
Young Rue McClanahan: * HA! You and everyone else in this world
Me: That whore must be crafty
Young Rue McClanahan: Fill this out and wait your turn. Oh, and take a number
*You may know Rue McClanahan better as that tramp Blanche Devereaux of the Golden Girls. In case you are still wondering, here's a little visual aid, Blanche is the slut in the yellow:
There are two elderly ladies (more on the Betty White and Bea Arthur side) sitting on the far left of one row. That doesn't seem too dangerous (remember that I just said that). A rotund woman is sitting on the far right hand side leaving three seats open in the middle. Yahtzee! I make my way there and sit down.
I immediately regret this decision.
The rotund lady is not alone as I originally thought, she is with a man who looks like he should be on one of those TLC shows (you know the ones I'm talking about -- World's Fattest Man, The 500 Pound Woman, I Ate the Rest of My Family and Now I'm Sad. Well Sad And Hungry). So I'm blocked in on the right.
Overweight people make me pretty uncomfortable as it is, but this guy is wheezing too. So when he turns to me and asks how long a passport lasts I jump and let out a little shriek. "I, uh, I don't know, I just got it this year." Then I pretend to be using my phone to avoid further conversation. I am actually sending myself a text message that says "Go to the gym tonight, avoid looking like man at DMV."
(2:24 pm) A voice from the heavens says "Now Serving Number A183." Its then that I realize NOT A SINGLE NUMBER HAD PASSED IN THE 13 MINUTES I HAD BEEN THERE. Then things got worse.
Bea Arthur and Betty White start talking. At first it is innocent chit chat. But then it turns into the most mundane shitfest anyone has ever been forced to listen to.
Bea Arthur: Yes, my shoes ARE leather. I have two pair in the same color. Isn't that funny? I mean you would never think that you would need two pair of brown leather shoes but one has a slight heel and I like to wear those to church (I can only speculate so that she can be closer to God?) The other pair are far more comfortable. I just love comfortable shoes. I always say, make sure you are wearing comfortable shoes. I just hate the uncomfortable ones.
Betty White: Oh, yes dear, that's lovely. I don't know what company makes these chairs but they always seem to cut me in just the wrong place. I'm not quite sure if I am too tall for them or too short, but they just hit me in the wrong place. And they seem to be everywhere. Restaurants, hotels, just everywhere. (please note that these chairs were plastic. When is the last time you went to a restaurant or a hotel with shitty plastic chairs?) I wonder what company has the contract for these chairs.
Bea Arthur: Well, that is just awful. I'm going to have my grandson look in to that. He uses those computers for things.
They droned on like this until (2: 36 pm) when their number was called. WHEN YOU WEAR YOUR HEELS TO CHURCH THANK GOD FOR ME, BEA. I had been tuning out Bea and Betty by watching the television which wasn't loud enough to hear, but had subtitles. General Hospital was on the TV. Now I've never watched General Hospital before (or any soap for that matter) but I was really getting in to it. I mean so much action, so much drama, so much passion! There was only one problem. Whoever was doing to closed captioning was drunk. I am certain of it. It would be perfect for two lines and then just make no sense at all. Sort of like this.
Mia: What are you doing here, Drake?
Drake: I think you know, Mia. I am here to find out who shot Michael.
Mia: Well dershtinel fine by my manther.
HUH? I am trying to figure out who the hell Michael is here. Stupid drunks.
(2:48 pm) I am starting to realize that this is going to take longer than an hour and I have a really important decision to make. Bail and try again tomorrow or tough it out. I look around the room. Man in the yellow polo shirt is gone, one hazard down. Betty and Bea have left, not bad. I guess I'll stay.
(2:59 pm) Shortly thereafter a woman who bears a striking resemblance to the Scarecrow of the Wizard of Oz comes and sits, not where Betty and Bea were, but in the seat right next to me on the left. Awesome. Then she is joined by a girl who is the exactly what I would imagine the love child of Mr. Koolaide and Anna Nicole Smith (in her reality show days) to look like. Double awesome.
They start talking about God knows what (tractors, Nascar, truck rallies, and Bret Michaels would all be fair guesses) and a couple sits down in front of me. I can already tell this is one of those PDA couples. Both fairly unattractive so they have to show the entire world "See, I knew I'd find someone else just as desperate as me someday, now I'm going to rub your face in it."
I am seriously considering jumping ship. I don't know if I can stomache the smell of The Scarecrow's Lady Stetson or the sight of what appears to be two over sized pickles groping each other any longer. I look around desperately for a new seat. There are none.
(3:08 pm) The number of the TLC man next to me is called. This is both good (he was only 2 numbers ahead of me) and bad (there are now two open seats to my right). I turn and see a small family about to occupy them when I hear the mysterious voice say "Now Serving A222." I am saved. I am pretty sure I knocked over a small child when I jumped out of my seat to go have a woman with the strangest haircut I have ever seen (think Chia Pet) get all of my information. By the time I left the DMV it was (3:26 pm) and I was $10 poorer, and I am sure as hell glad that's over with.
I get in my car, head back to work and my finger starts getting shooting pains in it when it hits me. SHIT. I HAVE HERPES NOW. THE CHAIR IN THE DMV GAVE ME HERPES.
I went to a small private school and our sex ed consisted of some kid's dad who was a gynecologist showing us pictures of the damage that STDs can do to the delicate parts of a person. It ended in "this is why you should never have sex unless it is for reproductive purposes with someone of the opposite sex that you are married to."
Someone did manage to ask a really great question though (they were probably expelled for it later). They asked him: "Can you get an STD from a toilet seat?" He said no, you can't. But I am right here, right now calling that man a liar. Because I know for a fact I just got herpes from that chair at the DMV. If not herpes then certainly diphtheria or something equally deadly.
The Moral of the Story: Thieving whores are directly related to second hand STDs. They are never to be trusted and must be stopped. I suggest that we put some legislation up for a vote to get rid of theiving whores. THEN, the rate of STDs would drop dramatically. We should also probably put in some sort of amendment to also rid the world of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Kim Kardashian. We really have no hope of combating STDs without getting rid of those three first.
(1:58 pm) I left my office and headed to the bank to replace my debit card. The man who was kind enough to cancel it for me over the phone assured me that any local branch could replace it for me. HE LIED. I wish I had gotten his name because his supervisor would be receiving a strongly worded letter. I cashed a check instead and suddenly realized what it feels like to do "hoodrat" things.
(2:11 pm) I arrive at the Department of Motor Vehicles License Office. I walk up to the lady at the information desk and explain my plight.
Me: Some whore stole my license. I need to have it replaced.
Young Rue McClanahan: * HA! You and everyone else in this world
Me: That whore must be crafty
Young Rue McClanahan: Fill this out and wait your turn. Oh, and take a number
*You may know Rue McClanahan better as that tramp Blanche Devereaux of the Golden Girls. In case you are still wondering, here's a little visual aid, Blanche is the slut in the yellow:
Now then, I take my number and I am A222. At the bottom of my ticket it says "estimated wait 8 minutes 27 seconds." This is the best news I have ever heard. I celebrate with a smile. An older gentleman in a yellow polo sees this smile and assumes that it is directed at him. He smiles back. I recoil in horror and run to the opposite side of the room. I fill out my forms and look up at the board where the "Now Serving Number XXX" is posted. It is now (2:16 pm). I quickly realize that the number that is being served is number A183. This little piece of paper just lied to me and I do not appreciate it there is no way I am getting help in 8 minutes. I suddenly understand the appeal of a flask.
There are two elderly ladies (more on the Betty White and Bea Arthur side) sitting on the far left of one row. That doesn't seem too dangerous (remember that I just said that). A rotund woman is sitting on the far right hand side leaving three seats open in the middle. Yahtzee! I make my way there and sit down.
I immediately regret this decision.
The rotund lady is not alone as I originally thought, she is with a man who looks like he should be on one of those TLC shows (you know the ones I'm talking about -- World's Fattest Man, The 500 Pound Woman, I Ate the Rest of My Family and Now I'm Sad. Well Sad And Hungry). So I'm blocked in on the right.
Overweight people make me pretty uncomfortable as it is, but this guy is wheezing too. So when he turns to me and asks how long a passport lasts I jump and let out a little shriek. "I, uh, I don't know, I just got it this year." Then I pretend to be using my phone to avoid further conversation. I am actually sending myself a text message that says "Go to the gym tonight, avoid looking like man at DMV."
(2:24 pm) A voice from the heavens says "Now Serving Number A183." Its then that I realize NOT A SINGLE NUMBER HAD PASSED IN THE 13 MINUTES I HAD BEEN THERE. Then things got worse.
Bea Arthur and Betty White start talking. At first it is innocent chit chat. But then it turns into the most mundane shitfest anyone has ever been forced to listen to.
Bea Arthur: Yes, my shoes ARE leather. I have two pair in the same color. Isn't that funny? I mean you would never think that you would need two pair of brown leather shoes but one has a slight heel and I like to wear those to church (I can only speculate so that she can be closer to God?) The other pair are far more comfortable. I just love comfortable shoes. I always say, make sure you are wearing comfortable shoes. I just hate the uncomfortable ones.
Betty White: Oh, yes dear, that's lovely. I don't know what company makes these chairs but they always seem to cut me in just the wrong place. I'm not quite sure if I am too tall for them or too short, but they just hit me in the wrong place. And they seem to be everywhere. Restaurants, hotels, just everywhere. (please note that these chairs were plastic. When is the last time you went to a restaurant or a hotel with shitty plastic chairs?) I wonder what company has the contract for these chairs.
Bea Arthur: Well, that is just awful. I'm going to have my grandson look in to that. He uses those computers for things.
They droned on like this until (2: 36 pm) when their number was called. WHEN YOU WEAR YOUR HEELS TO CHURCH THANK GOD FOR ME, BEA. I had been tuning out Bea and Betty by watching the television which wasn't loud enough to hear, but had subtitles. General Hospital was on the TV. Now I've never watched General Hospital before (or any soap for that matter) but I was really getting in to it. I mean so much action, so much drama, so much passion! There was only one problem. Whoever was doing to closed captioning was drunk. I am certain of it. It would be perfect for two lines and then just make no sense at all. Sort of like this.
Mia: What are you doing here, Drake?
Drake: I think you know, Mia. I am here to find out who shot Michael.
Mia: Well dershtinel fine by my manther.
HUH? I am trying to figure out who the hell Michael is here. Stupid drunks.
(2:48 pm) I am starting to realize that this is going to take longer than an hour and I have a really important decision to make. Bail and try again tomorrow or tough it out. I look around the room. Man in the yellow polo shirt is gone, one hazard down. Betty and Bea have left, not bad. I guess I'll stay.
(2:59 pm) Shortly thereafter a woman who bears a striking resemblance to the Scarecrow of the Wizard of Oz comes and sits, not where Betty and Bea were, but in the seat right next to me on the left. Awesome. Then she is joined by a girl who is the exactly what I would imagine the love child of Mr. Koolaide and Anna Nicole Smith (in her reality show days) to look like. Double awesome.
They start talking about God knows what (tractors, Nascar, truck rallies, and Bret Michaels would all be fair guesses) and a couple sits down in front of me. I can already tell this is one of those PDA couples. Both fairly unattractive so they have to show the entire world "See, I knew I'd find someone else just as desperate as me someday, now I'm going to rub your face in it."
I am seriously considering jumping ship. I don't know if I can stomache the smell of The Scarecrow's Lady Stetson or the sight of what appears to be two over sized pickles groping each other any longer. I look around desperately for a new seat. There are none.
(3:08 pm) The number of the TLC man next to me is called. This is both good (he was only 2 numbers ahead of me) and bad (there are now two open seats to my right). I turn and see a small family about to occupy them when I hear the mysterious voice say "Now Serving A222." I am saved. I am pretty sure I knocked over a small child when I jumped out of my seat to go have a woman with the strangest haircut I have ever seen (think Chia Pet) get all of my information. By the time I left the DMV it was (3:26 pm) and I was $10 poorer, and I am sure as hell glad that's over with.
I get in my car, head back to work and my finger starts getting shooting pains in it when it hits me. SHIT. I HAVE HERPES NOW. THE CHAIR IN THE DMV GAVE ME HERPES.
I went to a small private school and our sex ed consisted of some kid's dad who was a gynecologist showing us pictures of the damage that STDs can do to the delicate parts of a person. It ended in "this is why you should never have sex unless it is for reproductive purposes with someone of the opposite sex that you are married to."
Someone did manage to ask a really great question though (they were probably expelled for it later). They asked him: "Can you get an STD from a toilet seat?" He said no, you can't. But I am right here, right now calling that man a liar. Because I know for a fact I just got herpes from that chair at the DMV. If not herpes then certainly diphtheria or something equally deadly.
The Moral of the Story: Thieving whores are directly related to second hand STDs. They are never to be trusted and must be stopped. I suggest that we put some legislation up for a vote to get rid of theiving whores. THEN, the rate of STDs would drop dramatically. We should also probably put in some sort of amendment to also rid the world of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Kim Kardashian. We really have no hope of combating STDs without getting rid of those three first.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Still haven't sent those grad announcements....
I've been meaning to post for about oh......going on 6 days now. I actually started a post on Friday in a rare moment of sobriety, but then was distracted either by booze, my raging hangover or both.
I'm currently the most sober I've been in weeks (its my senior year of college and I start a new job in 3 weeks....leave me alone) and am attempting to piece together the shambles that are my life. (Read: Doing laundry. It appears I am single-handedly keeping the Hanes Corporation in business. I have Beefy T's, Heavyweights, Lightweights, ComfortSoft....the list goes on and on. Thanks sorority.)
Where to start, where to start....there's so much to say so I'll just hit some of the high points. But let me warn you...as far as length goes this one will be a doozy. Grab a soda (okay...a beer), sit back and enjoy making fun of the shitshow that is my life.
Thursday.....
BLT (to all of them): "So what's your story? Year? Fraternal Affiliation? Etc?"
A baby: "We are sophomores....SAEs. FAKE IDs ARE SO COOL." (Okay they didn't really say that exactly but you get the gist.)
Anyway, I basked in my moment of glory knowing I had hit the nail right on the head. That is until the people next to me started toasting to "Being 19." Get. Me. Out. Of. Here.
We move on to MY BAR. As the night goes one we run into "friends" BLT and I made a few weeks ago at the campus bar. I don't think they are real people. I only see them at bars and the one "gentleman" who has taken a particular interest in me says the most jackass shit I have ever heard in my life. I should never talk to this person again, but the fact that he says asshole things allows me to do the same. You can see my dilemma....
I am doomed to be single for the rest of my life.
Friday....
Was senior day at the campus bar. Due in large part to the happy hour turned DT debauchery the previous evening, I had what might possibly be the worst hangover of my life. But I know I can't miss this sacred event. So I put my game face on and go. It was fun, good to see some people, not so good to see others, but all in all something I needed to attend. So go me for sacking up.
I didn't make it dt that night....and I should have. I was later informed that TB was at the blessed place I met him the week before and I have a few choice words for his no call routine. Typical.
Saturday....
Became an alum of the sorority. Had to drink as a result....I'm not sure I can handle being this old. AGAIN, spent the day drinking at the campus bar. They should seriously put my picture up in that place to commemorate how much time and money I have spent there. I was talking to a friend on Friday at senior day who said he calculated that over four years he had dropped close to $8,000 there. I doubt I'm that close because.....let's be honest, I usually coerce someone (of the male persuasion) into buying my drinks, but seriously I have had a bomb-ass (who says that?) fake ID since sophomore year (oh shit....I can now clearly remember toasting to being 19....) so I've dropped a pretty penny.
Anyway....decide I must head DT again. Shoulders and Suite 204 are in and ready to get funky. The night is looking TRULY AMAZING. We pre-party in Suite 204 where we lust over Chris Brown, join a love train, and Fiji twirl to our heart's content. It's time to take our dance moves to 6th....
AND THEN IT HAPPENS. That fat whore steals the purse. The night is lost. Fuck her. That night was going to be AMAZING.
Sunday....
After watching Shoulders put her life back together we grab Suite 204 and head to brunch at......you guessed it....THE CAMPUS BAR. I scare away my hangover with a few mimosas and a greasy sandwich. The rest of the day is spent drinking beer by the pool and drunkenly buying sequins at Michaels to make masks for the evening's masquerade party. In a moment of sheer genius, I figure out that the most efficient and "stylish" way to make my mask is to cover it in hot glue and roll the entire thing in a pile of sequins. (Read: Best mask I have ever seen. Think 80s Madonna mixed with the stylings of The Golden Girls.)
The party was a typical sorority function. Of course I didn't have a date. There was a fortune teller. She was not too insightful in my personal opinion....she told me I have trust issues with guys. Hmmmmm. That's so strange for someone my age who deals with fratdaddies on a regular basis....WHATEVER.
After some time there we head to 6th to MY BAR (Shoulders' too). Who should be there but Jared Paladecki of Gilmore Girls fame (though I know him better from the critically acclaimed "House of Wax"). OMG!! Shoulders is a HUGE Gilmore Girls fan. Personally, I can take it or leave it but I recognize that this is a big moment for her. She is literally jumping up and down, grinning from ear to ear like a five year old who has just walked into DisneyWorld for the first time. We scrounge up a camera while she talks his ear off about her love of the show. He is looking rather uncomfortable. We take the picture and.....he bolts. Leaves the bar all together. Hilarious. Shoulders doesn't even care....she has her picture and that's all that matters. (We also saw Darlene from the Bad Girls Club at a previous bar so it was truly a star-studded night.)
Monday....
My pledge class is supposed to be taking part in the Trudy's Challenge. We have even rented a limo for the occasion. As soon as I wake up in the morning I immediately throw up. My body hates me so much for the things I keep putting in it. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to drink anything ever again.
By 2pm I am on my second Mexican Martini. I have never felt better in my life. This is the best day of my life. And we still get to go to another Trudy's!! WHEEEEEEEEE!!
We finish with Trudy's and someone (let's be honest...probably me) has the brilliant idea that the limo should drop us off at....the campus bar. Nouns has the limo driver pull up right in front so anyone and everyone at the bar can see our sweet, sweet ride. We are met with cheers from the table of fratdaddies we all know so well who happen to be pounding Texas Teas as we roll up. Again....this is the best day of my life.
10pm.....I wake up on my couch. My hands are sticky. There is ketchup all over my coffee table. Rements of a cheeseburger and fries. Is that a melted chocolate shake? Nouns is passed out in the chair next to me. How did we get here?? Go to my bed...pass back out.
Tuesday....
1am.....wake up again. Four missed calls. Four text messages. Some from a number I don't recognize wanting to know "what you ladies are up to tonight." Apparently, we made new friends at the campus bar. I later learn they were Canadian and in town for a frisbee golf tournament. That's really almost as ridiculous as BILLIARDS. But not quite....
Call BLT who has also just woken up. We are sad we missed going DT. Pass back out.
6am....wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed. Judging from my missed calls I passed out sometime around 8pm so I am feeling refreshed. Find Nouns curled up in the same chair (too lazy to move to the couch). She is also awake. We watch a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie (yes, I own those) and try to piece together the previous day.
10am....wonder why my left foot hurts so damn bad. Nouns reminds me about the field goal kicking challenge that took place at the campus bar. I was determined to make one and after many failed attempts (I actually have a great kick from soccer....unfortunately my accuracy WASTED is lacking). Walk to where we left our cars and attempt to lead normal lives.
12:09am....receive a text from Nouns. "The canadians from (the campus bar) are at Aquarium (DT)."
She is DT.
I am at the campus bar.
"Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them."
-- George Santayana
I'm currently the most sober I've been in weeks (its my senior year of college and I start a new job in 3 weeks....leave me alone) and am attempting to piece together the shambles that are my life. (Read: Doing laundry. It appears I am single-handedly keeping the Hanes Corporation in business. I have Beefy T's, Heavyweights, Lightweights, ComfortSoft....the list goes on and on. Thanks sorority.)
Where to start, where to start....there's so much to say so I'll just hit some of the high points. But let me warn you...as far as length goes this one will be a doozy. Grab a soda (okay...a beer), sit back and enjoy making fun of the shitshow that is my life.
Thursday.....
Was the highly anticipated last day of class of my undergraduate career. I went to school (a rarity) --took a test and went to finance. There are 15 minutes left in my finance class (THE LAST CLASS OF MY COLLEGE CAREER) and my teacher says, "Okay there is one more thing you will need to know for the final (worth 60% of my grade). Usually it takes me three weeks to cover this topic but I am going to try and do it in the next 15 minutes."
Yes, he's serious. This is the man who wears a denim blazer and pulls dollar bills out of his pocket every time he says the term "treasury notes." He then waves said dollar bills around just in case none of us took oh.....basic economics and understand that a treasury note is in fact MONEY.
Neat. Needless to say drinks were in order. Luckily a happy hour had been arranged in my (and others') honor by our place of employment. Myself and one such other intern and dear friend, Bitty LaTitties (her choice) decided to take full advantage of the company funds. We drank 3 margs each and then had our "boss" coerce the bartender into serving each of us a fourth. Fully necessary, I assure you. THEN, BLT and I made our way to the campus bar for mason jars of Texas Teas. (Many apologies to Shoulders and Nouns for accidentally? walking out on the bill.)
Our next move?? Into some cute dresses (that my mother would not approve of) and DT. Now, in an effort to cut the calories, BLT and I decided to forgo dinner at our happy hour. Instead we stuck to the "hot girl diet" of chips, salsa and copious amounts of booze. This was a very bad idea. By the time we hit 6th street I was sure that another drop of alcohol would quite literally kill me. Luckily a greasy pizza stand was conveniently located next to our first stop, Cheers.
Oh Cheers.....
We walk in, I turn to BLT and say, "Wow, this looks like a sophmore SAE pledge class mixer." (Keep in mind I do not know a single one of these kids. I just have a feeling.) Everyone in the bar is CLEARLY underage. But we have a friend who bartends there, so we stay. Not five minutes into being there I can feel one of the babies staring at me. The he "accidentally" bumps into me. I ignore, but then realize....this might be fun. BLT and I head to the ladies and sure enough on our way back he grabs me and drops the one pick-up line that gets me every time, "Hey, do you want a shot?"
BLT (to all of them): "So what's your story? Year? Fraternal Affiliation? Etc?"
A baby: "We are sophomores....SAEs. FAKE IDs ARE SO COOL." (Okay they didn't really say that exactly but you get the gist.)
Anyway, I basked in my moment of glory knowing I had hit the nail right on the head. That is until the people next to me started toasting to "Being 19." Get. Me. Out. Of. Here.
We move on to MY BAR. As the night goes one we run into "friends" BLT and I made a few weeks ago at the campus bar. I don't think they are real people. I only see them at bars and the one "gentleman" who has taken a particular interest in me says the most jackass shit I have ever heard in my life. I should never talk to this person again, but the fact that he says asshole things allows me to do the same. You can see my dilemma....
I am doomed to be single for the rest of my life.
Friday....
Was senior day at the campus bar. Due in large part to the happy hour turned DT debauchery the previous evening, I had what might possibly be the worst hangover of my life. But I know I can't miss this sacred event. So I put my game face on and go. It was fun, good to see some people, not so good to see others, but all in all something I needed to attend. So go me for sacking up.
I didn't make it dt that night....and I should have. I was later informed that TB was at the blessed place I met him the week before and I have a few choice words for his no call routine. Typical.
Saturday....
Became an alum of the sorority. Had to drink as a result....I'm not sure I can handle being this old. AGAIN, spent the day drinking at the campus bar. They should seriously put my picture up in that place to commemorate how much time and money I have spent there. I was talking to a friend on Friday at senior day who said he calculated that over four years he had dropped close to $8,000 there. I doubt I'm that close because.....let's be honest, I usually coerce someone (of the male persuasion) into buying my drinks, but seriously I have had a bomb-ass (who says that?) fake ID since sophomore year (oh shit....I can now clearly remember toasting to being 19....) so I've dropped a pretty penny.
Anyway....decide I must head DT again. Shoulders and Suite 204 are in and ready to get funky. The night is looking TRULY AMAZING. We pre-party in Suite 204 where we lust over Chris Brown, join a love train, and Fiji twirl to our heart's content. It's time to take our dance moves to 6th....
AND THEN IT HAPPENS. That fat whore steals the purse. The night is lost. Fuck her. That night was going to be AMAZING.
Sunday....
After watching Shoulders put her life back together we grab Suite 204 and head to brunch at......you guessed it....THE CAMPUS BAR. I scare away my hangover with a few mimosas and a greasy sandwich. The rest of the day is spent drinking beer by the pool and drunkenly buying sequins at Michaels to make masks for the evening's masquerade party. In a moment of sheer genius, I figure out that the most efficient and "stylish" way to make my mask is to cover it in hot glue and roll the entire thing in a pile of sequins. (Read: Best mask I have ever seen. Think 80s Madonna mixed with the stylings of The Golden Girls.)
The party was a typical sorority function. Of course I didn't have a date. There was a fortune teller. She was not too insightful in my personal opinion....she told me I have trust issues with guys. Hmmmmm. That's so strange for someone my age who deals with fratdaddies on a regular basis....WHATEVER.
After some time there we head to 6th to MY BAR (Shoulders' too). Who should be there but Jared Paladecki of Gilmore Girls fame (though I know him better from the critically acclaimed "House of Wax"). OMG!! Shoulders is a HUGE Gilmore Girls fan. Personally, I can take it or leave it but I recognize that this is a big moment for her. She is literally jumping up and down, grinning from ear to ear like a five year old who has just walked into DisneyWorld for the first time. We scrounge up a camera while she talks his ear off about her love of the show. He is looking rather uncomfortable. We take the picture and.....he bolts. Leaves the bar all together. Hilarious. Shoulders doesn't even care....she has her picture and that's all that matters. (We also saw Darlene from the Bad Girls Club at a previous bar so it was truly a star-studded night.)
Monday....
My pledge class is supposed to be taking part in the Trudy's Challenge. We have even rented a limo for the occasion. As soon as I wake up in the morning I immediately throw up. My body hates me so much for the things I keep putting in it. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to drink anything ever again.
By 2pm I am on my second Mexican Martini. I have never felt better in my life. This is the best day of my life. And we still get to go to another Trudy's!! WHEEEEEEEEE!!
We finish with Trudy's and someone (let's be honest...probably me) has the brilliant idea that the limo should drop us off at....the campus bar. Nouns has the limo driver pull up right in front so anyone and everyone at the bar can see our sweet, sweet ride. We are met with cheers from the table of fratdaddies we all know so well who happen to be pounding Texas Teas as we roll up. Again....this is the best day of my life.
10pm.....I wake up on my couch. My hands are sticky. There is ketchup all over my coffee table. Rements of a cheeseburger and fries. Is that a melted chocolate shake? Nouns is passed out in the chair next to me. How did we get here?? Go to my bed...pass back out.
Tuesday....
1am.....wake up again. Four missed calls. Four text messages. Some from a number I don't recognize wanting to know "what you ladies are up to tonight." Apparently, we made new friends at the campus bar. I later learn they were Canadian and in town for a frisbee golf tournament. That's really almost as ridiculous as BILLIARDS. But not quite....
Call BLT who has also just woken up. We are sad we missed going DT. Pass back out.
6am....wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed. Judging from my missed calls I passed out sometime around 8pm so I am feeling refreshed. Find Nouns curled up in the same chair (too lazy to move to the couch). She is also awake. We watch a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie (yes, I own those) and try to piece together the previous day.
10am....wonder why my left foot hurts so damn bad. Nouns reminds me about the field goal kicking challenge that took place at the campus bar. I was determined to make one and after many failed attempts (I actually have a great kick from soccer....unfortunately my accuracy WASTED is lacking). Walk to where we left our cars and attempt to lead normal lives.
12:09am....receive a text from Nouns. "The canadians from (the campus bar) are at Aquarium (DT)."
She is DT.
I am at the campus bar.
"Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them."
-- George Santayana
The Big Five-O
So yesterday marked 50 years of my mother. She celebrated by going to a resort called the Gaylord Texan (I know you just giggled) and getting a facial (if that didn't get an outright laugh I don't know what will). So I was trying to think of a way to accurately honor her when it hit me. In true spoiled cynical bitch style, lets chronicle the ways that I have made the Crazylady's life incomprehensibly miserable.
-----Age: 2 minutes old
Doctor: "Congratulations, its a girl!"
(and it begins)
-----Age: 14 days old
----Age: 5 years old
Why was my mother so upset? I mean all kids do stupid things right?
MY FIRST SCHOOL PICTURES EVER WERE THE NEXT DAY.
-----Age: 8 years
Me and my Asshole Brother decided to go out on some land owned by the utility company and start a small fire. I don't really feel like this story needs any elaboration. We started a freaking fire. My mom had to pay the volunteer fire department $300 to come and put it out.
----Age: 16 years
I managed to receive 3 speeding tickets in a 2 month period. Two of them were within a week. I also backed into a woman at a stop sign within the same month. I know that sounds damn near impossible, but I've always been one to think outside the box. As a result my entire family was dropped from our insurance. But I didn't stop there, I went on to get a total of 7 tickets in the next 3 years. Please note that because of my pure genius, not a single one of these is on my record. I also know every answer to every question about Defensive Driving ever.
----Age: 21 years
Although we have a pretty strict don't ask, don't tell policy, I am fairly certain that the Crazylady is well aware that I am a lush. She knows I drink copiously and I think the jig is up when it comes to my ahem, chastity thanks to this little conversation I had with her one time when I was drunk:
Me : I am really excited about moving in with [Nouns] and [GP].
Crazylady: Really? Why?
Me: I don't know, I've just never really lived with girls before. It's going to be fun.
Crazylady: What do you mean? You lived in the sorority house for 2 years.
*Note: I had to bold that statement as it was the most rediculous thing I could have said at that exact moment. I have never explicitly told my mother this, but I lived with my ex-boyfriend for 3 years while she paid for me to live in the sorority house and a dorm.
Me: Uh... yeah, I did? I mean I did. But, it's uh... different. You know, uhm different.
Crazylady: (I can only speculate here, but I am fairly certain that she rolled her eyes and said) riiiiiiiiiiight.
-----Age: 22 years
Crazylady called me this year and told me that by growing up (and therefore no longer being a dependant) I had CAUSED her to have to pay taxes instead of getting a refund. I kindly reminded her that my not being a dependent meant that she wasn't paying for school, rent, gas, car problems, and various other expenses and therefore was actually saving thousands upon thousands of dollars. It seemed like this was the first time this had ever dawned on her. But in true Crazylady fashion she didn't care at all and instead was still upset about the $281.97 that she had to send Uncle Sam because of my inconsiderate ass.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!
THANKS FOR LOVING ME EVEN THOUGH I SCREW EVERYTHING UP!
**Please note, there are many, MANY other things I did to truly disgrace my mother (deciding to work for my dad, not attending church for over 4 years, telling her that stirrup pants are no longer in style, etc.) but if I wrote about them all, this blog would be longer and more painful than the movie A League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
-----Age: 2 minutes old
Doctor: "Congratulations, its a girl!"
The Crazylady: "No its not."
(and it begins)
-----Age: 14 days old
The Crazylady forgot my name. Here's the kicker. She had a deal with my dad that if any of their kids turned out to be boys, he got to name them, if any of their kids turned out to be girls, she got to name them. So not only had she been calling me by it for two weeks, she had been plotting my name for 4 years by this point. She spent the whole day at home saying girls names to me and hoping I would respond to one like a stray puppy. ("Amy?" no "Rebecca?" no "Sara?" no) and anxiously waiting for my dad to get done hawking used cars so she could ask him what the hell she named me. Can you feel the love yet?
----Age: 5 years old
The Crazylady was out on a date and left us with a baby sitter. This baby sitter was a bit of a free spirit (read: she was high) and decided to teach us how to make friendship bracelets. Being the, um, unique child that I was, I decided to make mine out of human hair. But not just any human would do-- it had to be my hair. But once I started cutting I just couldn't stop. It just felt so good! At one point I had a Lifetime Movie moment where I looked up at the mirror and stared in shock at what I had done while grasping handfulls of hair. The results were something similar to this:
I was immediately overcome with fear of the wooden spoon that my mother kept in her purse for small offenses like saying the word "crap." If she used that for something so tiny what was she going to do when she saw me looking like I had just gone to the same hairstylist as Christian Siriano? Then my puny little child's brain thought this up: If I just hide the hair trimmings, no one will EVER know what I have done. But hiding the hair in one place just wasn't going to cut it (no pun intended), I had to scatter the hair about.
A few examples of where I hid my hair:
1. Under the couch cushions
2. In a pair of my mother's shoes
3. Underneath the mousepad of our Acer computer
4. In between the books on my bookshelf
My mother shrieked when she saw me and I knew the jig was up. She put me straight in the car and drove me to a Sally's Haircutters (they used to cut my hair, the Geek's hair, and my Asshole Brother's hair all for the bargain price of $10.99 - that's how you know it was quality. That translates into a $3.66 haircut for those of you who aren't math majors). I think she might have even been crying when she told the lady to do "whatever you can to make it look she's not the product of an Ewok and a rooster."
Now, I'm not saying the hairstylist was on crack or anything, it's not like she had a lot to work with, but I also might BE saying that she got her cosmetology licence from a man in a van in a dark alley. Because this is pretty much the EXACT haircut she gave me except that on the right hand side the bangs were about a quarter of an inch long.
Why was my mother so upset? I mean all kids do stupid things right?
MY FIRST SCHOOL PICTURES EVER WERE THE NEXT DAY.
-----Age: 8 years
Me and my Asshole Brother decided to go out on some land owned by the utility company and start a small fire. I don't really feel like this story needs any elaboration. We started a freaking fire. My mom had to pay the volunteer fire department $300 to come and put it out.
----Age: 16 years
I managed to receive 3 speeding tickets in a 2 month period. Two of them were within a week. I also backed into a woman at a stop sign within the same month. I know that sounds damn near impossible, but I've always been one to think outside the box. As a result my entire family was dropped from our insurance. But I didn't stop there, I went on to get a total of 7 tickets in the next 3 years. Please note that because of my pure genius, not a single one of these is on my record. I also know every answer to every question about Defensive Driving ever.
----Age: 21 years
Although we have a pretty strict don't ask, don't tell policy, I am fairly certain that the Crazylady is well aware that I am a lush. She knows I drink copiously and I think the jig is up when it comes to my ahem, chastity thanks to this little conversation I had with her one time when I was drunk:
Me : I am really excited about moving in with [Nouns] and [GP].
Crazylady: Really? Why?
Me: I don't know, I've just never really lived with girls before. It's going to be fun.
Crazylady: What do you mean? You lived in the sorority house for 2 years.
*Note: I had to bold that statement as it was the most rediculous thing I could have said at that exact moment. I have never explicitly told my mother this, but I lived with my ex-boyfriend for 3 years while she paid for me to live in the sorority house and a dorm.
Me: Uh... yeah, I did? I mean I did. But, it's uh... different. You know, uhm different.
Crazylady: (I can only speculate here, but I am fairly certain that she rolled her eyes and said) riiiiiiiiiiight.
-----Age: 22 years
Crazylady called me this year and told me that by growing up (and therefore no longer being a dependant) I had CAUSED her to have to pay taxes instead of getting a refund. I kindly reminded her that my not being a dependent meant that she wasn't paying for school, rent, gas, car problems, and various other expenses and therefore was actually saving thousands upon thousands of dollars. It seemed like this was the first time this had ever dawned on her. But in true Crazylady fashion she didn't care at all and instead was still upset about the $281.97 that she had to send Uncle Sam because of my inconsiderate ass.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!
THANKS FOR LOVING ME EVEN THOUGH I SCREW EVERYTHING UP!
**Please note, there are many, MANY other things I did to truly disgrace my mother (deciding to work for my dad, not attending church for over 4 years, telling her that stirrup pants are no longer in style, etc.) but if I wrote about them all, this blog would be longer and more painful than the movie A League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Word of Caution: Never Drink and Dress
It is 3:46 pm.
I just looked down.
And realized that the shirt I have been wearing all day at work is on inside out.
I just looked down.
And realized that the shirt I have been wearing all day at work is on inside out.
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