Now, this is a very valid question because so far this week I have been out Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and I am certainly going out tonight. So I decided to analyze my decision making process a little more closely. And what is the best way to analyze decision making processes? With a flowchart. So here is my typical line of thinking:
As you can see, work is a major determining factor. Monday through Friday my decision making process usually ends right there. Since Karen is currently humming and another lady who could very well be my grandmother started this sentence earlier "When my friend Lance whips out his bong..." this is clearly where my quest ends tonight. However, on some rare occasions I move on to step two.
The Crazylady. I had a guy from Craig's List come over and look at my apartment today for subletting purposes and I bribed Venus with a sandwich to come hang out and make sure he wasn't going to try and kidnap me and sell me into an Asian prostitution ring. My mother still calls at 3 pm to make sure that I am not being held hostage. The following conversation resulted:
Me: Hello?
Crazylady: So you aren't dead huh?
Me: Hi to you too Mom. No, I told you [Venus] was going to be there. That guy was really normal.
Crazylady: They all seem normal.
Me: What do you mean "they all" it was one guy.
Crazylady: I'm just saying, I bet that Judas Iscariot seemed normal too.
Me: I'm at work, I can't talk about this now.
Crazylady: OK, I'll let you go.
Me: OK, bye
Crazylady: Did you know we got three inches of rain last night?
Me: Mom, I have to go.
Crazylady: Is it raining there?
Me: Are you serious?
Crazylady: Frankie says hello. She's laying on the couch just a-starin' out the window. I'm thinking of painting her toenails.
Me: I'm hanging up the phone now.
Crazylady: (psychotic laughter)
And that call wasn't even that bad comparatively. Now you know why I drink so much.
Now, on occasion I screen calls from my mother or she just doesn't call. She has gotten pretty good at leaving me alone on the weekend mostly because she knows I'm going to be annoyed and short tempered if she does call. That is where the third question comes in. I know you are thinking, this one is pointless, she can't possibly know that many people who are getting engaged or married.
EVERYONE IN MY LIFE IS GETTING ENGAGED OR MARRIED.***
***disclaimer: that excludes anyone who writes for this blog.
Two people in my office have gotten engaged or married in the last month. One was last weekend. I was also invited to the same shotgun wedding as Venus via Facebook. And oh yeah, I have to attend the Future Mrs. W's wedding next week (although that one is at an all inclusive resort in Mexico so I really have no complaints there. Nescecito mas magaritas y cervezas por favor - I've been practicing). Someone is ALWAYS getting married and it really freaking annoys me. I wish there was a filter on Facebook where I could select "do not inform me by any means of anything wedding or engagement related".
I rarely if ever arrive at "are you tired of answering questions." The answer to this is always yes which is kind of a win win situation because I get to drink, and I do not have to answer any more questions. Quite brilliant if you ask me.
Although, to be fair, a lot of the time I don't even know how I got started drinking. I just look down and there is a drink in my hand. So this diagram really isn't used all that often.
Shit, I just looked down and there was a beer in my hand. I don't know how this keeps happening, I'm at work for Gods sake. Well I guess that can only mean one thing. I don't have to answer any questions tonight, I'll just be drinking.
No comments:
Post a Comment