How Do I Meet These Men?

This is a question that is often asked of me. For instance, I get phone calls like this:

Venus: "Hey, I just got your text message, are you serious? You took home a guy wearing a bandanna on his head? How did you meet this guy?"
Me: "Yeah, in fact I'm sitting on top of a guy with a bandanna on his head right now."
Venus: "Shut up, this is awkward. Call me back later when you can talk."
Me: "I can talk now."
Venus: "YOU ARE SITTING ON TOP OF HIM."

I guess for proper perspective I should give a little rundown of the gents I've made out with in the last month.

Bandanna Man: A student from UNT. I picked him up down town where he was drinking a long island iced tea at Big Beer Bar (this should have been my first clue). He shacks, we wake up and watch 10 minutes of Saved By The Bell and 45 minutes of Scooby Doo. THEN WE PLAY SCRABBLE.

Man of Honor: The 19 year old best man at my best friend's wedding. Consequently he is also her brother in law now so I will be seeing him again.

Law College: Some guy who went to Penn State and now goes to UT Law. So named because he kept calling law school "law college." I thought this was hilarious and kept making him repeat it over and over again. This may or may not have been the result of drinking an entire vodka soda in shot fashion.

So you can see, this motley crew doesn't really make any kind of sense, so people are right in asking me "How did you meet this man?"

Let me explain myself. Despite the fact that I NEVER manage to hook up with frat guys, I LOVE THEM. I am at all times on the lookout for boat shoes, croakies, and vineyard vines attire. I refer to these people (thanks to the Vegas trip) as "Our People." I often find myself positioning myself and my ladies near Our People at any given opportunity. I'm like a modern day madam and I am well aware of it. I use my whores strategically. I attribute it to playing a lot of Battle Ship as a child.

Then we lurk and smirk. However, I am also a very impatient person. So while I am lurking, some freak walks up and says something to me. And I'm talking about pretty much anything. For example:

"Your dress is nice"

"I like your hair"

"I work at a gas station."

and most importantly:

"Do you need a drink?"

and there you have it folks. That is exactly how I meet "these men." I'm thinking of teaching classes so you too can meet weird men who you can giggle about with your friends later.

All fodder for the tell all kids.