The other title was too unPC.

Just as an FYI, I am wearing my "where did you get that dress?" Vegas dress. Things should get quite interesting tonight. I can promise that.

All of us girls who went out last night stayed with a different man.

In nouns' defense it was on WOF's couch. And in Boat Party's her and one of the Vandy Boys both slept in all of their clothes.

But Shoulders and I, well we have no defense besides booze. But I have never needed an excuse for anything I have done. So there you go.

The white party is getting started. If you read this and you aren't coming. Sucks for you. You are going to miss an amazing evening. Losers.

breath of fresh mess

last night was somehoe (typo, i'm leaving it) simultaneously the classiest and unclassiest night of my life.

after night of drinking at our usual spots, i decide i want to go to a strip club. i'm under the disillusion that everyone is coming until i pay 53 bucks for a cab ride and find out its just me watch out friends and the photographer. i paid another 25 to get in i dont REALLY know what happened inside, but here's what i can piece together.

1. a stripper stole my diet coke forcing me to pay 18 bucks for a replacement.
2. a stripper not only licked my boobs, but got her lady juices on my very expensive birthdress and slapped me when i asked why she had a bandana covering her face
3. i walked (without falling, i think) to watch out friends' apt bc i apparently dont travel with keys
4. i did NOT hook up with watch out friends (miraculous, i know)
5. watch out friends' roommate found me on the couch and the only sentence i could muster was "a stripper licked me, i'm walking home"
5. i walked home barefoot in my lady juice covered birthdress through a fucking festival AND a concert

my mom and grandparents are about 25 minutes away from my apartment, i'm kind of hoping they don't smell my lack of dignity.

Carosel of a day

Friday was full of ups and downs.

Down - woke up incredibly hungover from our company supported booze fest the night before. We had no milk, I really really need to go to the grocery store, so I ate a PB and J.

Up - No one was in the office all morning, so I didn't have to deal with anyone while my head pounded.

Down - Stand up Sid rolled in at 10:30.

Up - Went and got greasy Mexican food for lunch.

Down - Ate way too much.

Up - Got back to the office and my boss told me the big job we have been working on is going into mediation and it may settle. Which means the whole case from hell might vanish.

Down - A coworker comes by and tells me that there's no way in hell this thing will actually settle.

Up - Stand Up Sid finally got what was coming to him. Now he is on the boss' shit list. And I love it.

Down - Still had a pounding headache.

Up - Called the woman who does my nails and she fit me in for a pedicure after work.

Down - Got a parking ticket while I was receiving that pedicure.

Up - Finally getting to enjoy a weekend with my friends in Dallas!

three strikes and you're out

last night boat party "talked" me into going to a hockey game with some dude she met at a bar and his friend. clearly i agreed, it sounded like there might be free booze involved. then i realized (slash everyone informed me) that i was really going on a blind double date. YIPES

after the first period we go to get beers. i order a beer and boat party's 'date' pays for it? (i tried to give him cash but i'm pretty sure the wadded up ones in the bottom of my purse gave him the impression i use food stamps.) anyways the lady rings him up for 3 beers and some chicken tenders. no one ordered chicken. i lean over to boat party and our 'dates' and say "wow do you have to be retarded to work here?" judging by the looks on their faces these two are either the co-founders of best buddies or have a sibling in the paralympics. strike one.

aside from that, things were going pretty well until.....
my 'date' asks "did you meet [insert generic male name] this weekend?" blank stare... i repeat the name a few times and then he points to the guy sitting next to boat party. FUCK. strike two.

then he caught a glimpse of a text message i sent to watch out friends. it says "yea i'm kinda disappointed we didn't make it on the kiss cam considering i'm already picking out our kids' names." i cant really tell if my 'date' thinks i really want to have kids with him, or i really don't want to be sitting next to him, either way he can't be feeling good. strike three. i am out.

ps: on an unrelated rant, today is my birthday and one of my lovely co-workers bought me a cake... however some OTHER lady in our office is under the impression that it is her cake. despite it saying "happy birthday [nouns]" on it she just marched into my office (read tiny cubicle) and said "i'm about to cut my birthday cake, do you want some?" bitch.

i know the economy is in bad shape... but?

my mom has completely lost it. shes driving up to dallas this weekend for my birthday and just sent me the following email:

I was looking to see if one of the angel food ministries was near you b/c they only open 1 sat a month…this sat. If there is one near you, maybe I (and you if you like) can get some food from them. It would be a shot in the dark, as you have to pre-order, but if they have leftovers they sell them to whoever is there wanting some. I attached the Sept menu…can you believe how much stuff you get for $30???

ummm hi mom, you are attempting to abuse a system meant for i don't know... REAL POOR PEOPLE!!! if she's actually trying to get me to stand in line at a food bank on a saturday after i make her pay for an expensive brunch with bottomless mimosas, bitch is mistaken.

oops

ladies and gents, perpare to hear me bitch. i fell asleep with my white strips on, which means i bleached my teeth for... TWO HOURS AND TEN MINUTES!!! i fully expect my teeth to fall out when by the time i wake up orrr my teeth to be so sensitive that i cant eat. FUUUCCCKK im retarded...



but i have white teeth? ish?

correction

[Dumbass] is the victim of a backpack fashion faux-pas (?). There's a girl in her gov 312 class that has the exact same design, same colored polka dots and all. Oh no!

dear Dumbass,
the faux pas you are committing is owning a polka dotted back pack past the 7th grade. you are a senior at a prestigious university, there is no need to make your facebook status about your tacky backpack.

no love,
nouns.

ps: i know i'm just as gay for blogging about it.

further proof that i am shallow and selfish

today i found myself lost in a text fest with my step dad. usually i shy away from any and all communication with him since we are both incredibly stubborn and usually wrong (makes for an interesting argument, trust). about 30 minutes into the conversation i realize that i'm just talking to him so he will

a) buy me a vacation of sorts (new york or vegas for new years?!)
b) send money for my birthday
c) tell my mom to do a. or b.

another 10 minutes into the conversation i realize that we are only discussing the differences in weather between texas and pennsylvania and abruptly end the conversation by saying, "i dont know how i feel about beer and chocolate together" (not sure how that ended it, but it did)

am i really this shallow and selfish? the answer is no. he is a STEP parent so i'm only half as shallow and selfish as one might think... BA-ZING

UPDATE: he offered to pay for my hotel room for a vacation of my choice. I WIN! i'm not shallow OR selfish, just really fucking smart.

I Should Probably Act More Mature

This weekend's "To Do" list: (yes, I make TONS of lists)
1. Clean room
2. Do Laundry
3. Reorganize Closet
4. Work out
5. Give up drinking beer
5. Go to the grocery store
6. Pay bills
7. Go to church

This weekend's "Acutally Done" list:
1. Throw clothes all over my room in a wasted attempt to find an outfit that fits (due to the lack of the aforementioned #4)
2. Get dressed to go to the gym and instead go to brunch with the Vandy Boys and Boat Party.
3. Buy handle of Tito's to prevent me from drinking beer
4. Go to Boat Party's and have a beer; go to Watch Out Friends', have 3 beers; go to a bar, have 2 more beers. (there was vodka in there too but that was all within the guidelines)
5. Make a certain mistake that the Vandy Boys will not let me live down
6. Have a waiter give me a frightened look bc everytime he walks by I say something really appropriate like "titty fuck"
7. Buy $400 in dresses for my birthweekend.

Texas Fight

I am kind of dissapointed that my first college football game of the year is going to be a Texas A&M game. But I guess that's what I get for working with aggies, and dating one. As my own personal rebellion, however, I will be wearing a burnt orange thong. That way I won't be heckled by male cheerleaders with crew cuts for wearing my school colors to their game, but I will still know where my allegiance lies.

So that's where I will be this weekend; with Mr. Wonderful in hick town College Station. We already have the Franzia on ice so its ready to go. Wish me luck.

Too Bad Intern Struck Out Last Night.

I just want to relay a conversation to you all that took place yesterday between our new intern and Stand Up Sid.

Background: A partner in our firm was having us fill in on his softball team that night. And I can't stand Stand Up Sid.

Stand Up Sid: I'm totally going to hit a home run.
Intern: Have you ever hit one?
SUS: No.
Intern: Well hitting one in slow pitch softball is way harder than in baseball.
SUS: I'm strong and athletic, that should help.
Intern: Too bad being a douche won't help, other wise you would hit a home run for sure.

reasons i live in the south.

i am currently in milwaukee... scratch that... a suburb of milwaukee. it fucking sucks. here are the low-lights of my trip.

1. the most noteworthy news is that a kid in the mall here beat someone up for telling him he looks like a jonas brother.
2. people talk so fucking fast here that i cant understand them
3. if i hear someone call a coke "pop" one more time im going to kill them
4. i paid $11.95 for a cup of yogurt for breakfast
5. everytime i walk into the conference room, the whole crowd says "DAALLLAASSS" like its my fucking name
6. i gained like 10 pounds from going out to eat for every meal. sick.

Sally is a Whore

When I was in elementary school, we never participated in fund raisers because I went to private school (that's right public school kids, suck it - not only am I smarter than you, I am infinitely more socially awkward).

Today my Boss (who is coincidentally my Step-MILF) came in and set down a rather large catalogue of what looked like crap to me. Then she said "OK, Aunt Shoulders, you have to buy SOMETHING."

It dawned on me that I had just gotten roped into some kind of PTA fundraiser for my Niece. It also dawned on me that I needed a drink.

I immediately began to feel nauseous. As I thumbed through the catalogue I realized that it was comprised of four categories:

1) Christmas Wrapping Paper

2) Things that will make me fat

3) Useless crap that no-one needs

4) Overpriced useless crap that no-one needs

Despite the fact that I am one of the least decisive people that I know, I begin to search desperately for something to buy so that I could get this thing out of my life. This is made increasingly difficult because:

1) I hate Christmas

2) I am already fat(ish) and do not wish to become more so

3) I have way too much useless crap

4) I have no money

Throughout the catalogue there are helpful hints from "Sally." I have no idea who "Sally" is but I hate her guts.

She suggests wrapping tiny jewelry boxes in Christmas paper and adding them to a wreath for a decorative touch. Hey Sally - NO ONE GIVES ME JEWELRY AND I AM TOO POOR TO BUY IT FOR MYSELF THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN, BITCH.

She later suggests that I reuse old Christmas bows by making them into a miniature tree using a wooden dowel and a coffee can as the base. Sally, that is just tacky. That will look like shit, and I will not do it.

Long story short, my decision process consisted of closing my eyes and pointing at something then opening them to find that I was the proud owner of a set of 6 "stylish" votive candles for the low low price of $15.50.

I completely plan on playing this up in order to skip out early on the kids soccer games

which i have to attend

at 9 am

ON SATURDAY


UPDATE: I just walked into my brother's office and told him I purchased the aforementioned candles. His response: "If you are telling me this so that you don't have to come to soccer on Saturday, you are shit out of luck."

I am now convinced that my brother has some sort of program installed on my computer that lets him see what I am doing on the internet. I'm doomed.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: I was informed that BOTH of my nieces are participating so I have to buy TWO things. I caved and got snickerdoodles and m&m cookies. I hope someone will still love me when I look like Kirstie Alley.

Also, the other girl who works in my office brought in her kids fund raiser. Apparently I have "pushover" written in my file or something. The sad thing is, I'm totally going to buy something.

Like McGyver but With Booze

Yesterday at work I made the decision to treat myself to a pedicure after I got off. So I called up the nail salon I go to, and made an appointment with my girl. This nail salon is great. The girl I get speaks amazing english ( I swear when I talk to her on the phone you can't tell she is Asian at all), they give a really good pedicure, and they serve booze. Now that's my kind of place!

One problem - I was feeling really cheap, and their wine is, at a minimum, $6 a glass. When I am already paying $30 for a pedicure, I don't want to pay $6 more if I can help it.

So I come up with a genius idea - bring my own wine! I remembered I had 3/4 of a bottle of reisling left over in the fridge. Usually, I would just throw my bootlegged drink in a Ozarka bottle, seeing as how my usual vodka soda is clear. But that just won't work for wine. I decided to empty one of the Fresca's I have at the house and then I will pour it in there and take it with me. Genius!

So all day long at work I had been looking forward to my relaxing pedicure and can o' wine I was going to sneak in. I run home after work to change quickly and grab the booze. That's when I open the refirgerator and see -

THE WINE IS GONE!!!

I go to Nouns' room to inquire if she knows where my wine is. But she is passed out in her bed for her usual after work nap. I have to hurry and make my appointment, so I have no time to deal with waking her up.

I can't cry over missing wine, so I move on and figure out how to get booze into my pedicure another way.

Head to the lime bowl - they are all old - Vodka soda is out
Remember the Fresca I had planned to pour down the sink - Vodka Fresda it is!

Like Shoulders texted me earlier - You are like McGyver but with booze. It kind of has a ring to it.

So I make it to my appointment a few minutes late with a big glass of Vodka Fresca on ice with a straw of course. And my nail girl was none the wiser. Ha. I win!

Side note:
I found out later when I got home that the roommates had assumed Boat Party had left the wine from when she stayed with us for a couple of weeks. So they drank it while I was over at Mr. Wonderful's place eating the dinner he cooked for me and him. They promised to repay for the damage they caused by replacing the bottle for me. So we're all good, and the mystery was solved. And not to worry, Nouns and Shoulders, my Vodka Fresca worked out just fine!

office memo.

dear coworkers,

despite having worked here for nearly a month, i have no FUCKING clue about how to do anything, or even what my job entails. as far as i'm concerned, i was hired to read blogs, gchat, guzzle coffee and stare at the clock until 4:30 pm. speaking of coffee, whoever walked off with the creamer has a world of pain coming to them, black coffee with 3 splendas just isn't satisfying.

that being said, do not ask me questions like "what does this mean?" and "did you do that?" because theres a 100% chance i don't know the answer. however, if you would like to hear a silly story about me sleeping on the bathroom floor or getting lost on the 6 block trek back to my apartment, i'd be happy to help you. until then, i will plotting a way to build a fort around my cubicle rendering me invisible so that i can both take a nap undermy desk and avoid your nonsense.

thanks,
nouns.

Pity Me.

I have officially decided that I have shrunk all of my clothes in the dryer.

Why you ask?

Because this conclusion is far less painful than admitting that I am getting fat.

le sigh.

fuck you crackberry.

dear blackberry,

YOU SOLD ME FAULTY GOODS! actually, that is a lie. travis, the nice man in your tech support department has informed me that you designed your phone to automatically delete the call and text message log ON PURPOSE! now at first i liked that feature bc living through "the shame" of seeing who i drunk dialed and texted is usually pretty painful. however, today i found it to be a real fucking inconvenience.

i left work at 4:30 today. somewhere between the drive home and my nap (afterall, i did sleep on the bathroom floor) someone called me! (WHICH NEVER FUKCING HAPPENS since calling me is openning a HUGE can of worms, i will totally talk your ear off). anyways, by the time i finally decided to look at my phone, the peice of shit also deleted said call. this call could have been:
A) a hot man who wants to take me to a nice dinner
B) someone calling bc i owe them money
C) someone calling about a happy hour
D) my mom calling to tell me she bought the dog a sweater

aside from B i would have wanted to know about ALL of those calls. tomorrow i'm totally marching into verizon and demanding a refund.

no love bc you are retarded,
nouns

ps: person who called between 4:30 and 6, i am not ignoring you. or at least i'm probably not ignoring you.

Its True, She Does.

Nouns -
I can attest to that. I got up to wash my face at 2:15 after watching half of a Harry Potter movie in bed (because sleeping in your make-up is bad for you apparently, and I'm trying to break the habit). However the door was stopped by something. I pushed on through to find that that "something" was your leg.

You were asleep on the bathroom floor, and you looked so peaceful that I couldn't dream of waking you. Also I am selfish and lazy and knew that waking you would lead to pouring you into your bed. So instead I maniacally giggled, and shut the door again.

Score:
Bad Habits: 1
Good Habits: 0

Although to be fair, I too drank a bottle of wine and 2 screw drivers, gossiped, and cursed like a sailor. So upon further review:

Bad Habits: 4
Good Habits: 0

Back With a PSA

I know, its been like forever since I posted...but in my defense I just got done with a huge report at work blah blah blah...you don't care, and really neither do I.

Well last week at work, our marketing girl grabs me and takes me to this Bar Association Law lunch thing. Initially I think...score! Hot lawyer dudes and a free lunch on work? I am in!

We get there, and it is nothing like I imagined, they are all old. There is one decent guy at our table, but he has a wedding ring on - strike one. He brings a plate mounded high of like 8 enchiladas to the table and then cleans his plate - strike two. I don't really know what strike three was, I guess I just wasn't in the mood to give him another one. Its kind of like IM softball when you start 1-1.

Then this awful dude comes in late. He is the epitome of white trash and his greasy mulletted light denim wearing ass decides to pick the one open seat at our table next to me instead of many other open tables. He sits down and our marketing girl quickly scoots her chair over as far as possible to help me move away from him. After I have scooted over so far we are basically sharing a chair, I look over at his plate. Its just a plateful of fajita beef drown in salsa. No rice, No beans, no salad. Just meat and salsa. Sir, you sicken me.

Once I got through judging everyone at our table, I began looking around the room to judge others. Thats when I get to the point of this story which is my PSA.

It is no longer acceptable to wear claw clips! I just want to make everyone aware of this because construction lawyers in the Dallas area are not. Once I got over the abhorrant man next to me I found 5 women, in a room with 8 of which the marketing girl and I are two, who had their hair up with claw clips. It was amazing and disturbing all at the same time. I just couldn't believe it. These women make plenty of money. Why would they need a 50 cent hair accessory?

The marketing girl and I had to leave early to get back to the office, which rules my life, so I didn't get a chance to tell each and every one of those women the damage they were doing to themselves before I left.

That's why I am reaching out to all of you. Hopefully with some awareness we can put an end to the claw clip once and for all.

sometimes i drink

i had a bottle of wine and 2 screw drivers for dinner. the pillow on my bathroom floor tells me i tried to sleep there.

two posts. one day.

ha. i am tickled pink with my "pop culture" reference that no one else will find funny. (no i have not and will not watch the video in question). anyways, i'm being extremely productive at work,(read: restarting my computer 95 times and sitting on the phone with tech support until they tell me i cant do anything for 2 days. UGH) so i'm blogging again because i'm just as annoying and talkative in real life. people hate me.

i digress.


i'm totally bringing back asshat of the week.

MTV: you are officially on notice. last night i made the mistake of staying up to watch the VMA's. i really only wanted to see some kickass dance moves from chris brown, some funny commentary from the host (whoever that guy was), some eye candy in the form of justin timberlake, and brit brit make a fool of her self.

NONE OF THESE THINGS HAPPENED. (well they might have, but i was so turned off by that british guy that i couldn't understand and the fact that britney didn't perform that i didn't tune in for more that ohhhh 4 minutes and 23 seconds.) i mean watching her regurgitate some poorly written lines in a feeble attempt to resuscitate her career is... heartwarming? but id much rather watch a panty-less trainwreck. (i have no soul)

last night was my last ditch effort to remain a part of your "demographic". FAIL. instead i watched 3 tivoed episodes of john and kate plus 8, ate half an apple, and cried during the christian the lion youtube video. i believe that puts me in the same demographic as... my mom? SICK. i'm checking out of work early to have a vodka soda and go to the gym. yes, in that order. don't judge.

it is 1 pm, that is neat.

6:00 am- my alarm goes off

6:10 am- again.

6:15 am- i set my alarm for 6:45

6:45 am- i am halfway through my bowl of grits and beef jerky (judge me.)

6:46 am- i realize it is actually 7:46 am.

7:48 am- i run out the door whilst still putting on my shirt.

8:13 am- late for work. CRAP

8:14 am- the lights are off in my office, no one else is here yet. SCORE! there is already a pot of coffee made... weird but DOUBLE SCORE! and i somehow have the will power to walk past a table of donuts and kolaches... we'll see how long that lasts.

9:00 am- i give in to the kolache temptation

9:10 am- someone who i incorrectly assume has a better knowledge of computers than i do comes to install my dual monitors (so now i can read celeb gossip and check my personal email at the same time)

9:25 am- i sit in a meeting i know nothing about.

11:00 am- tech lady is missing. i have no monitors.

11:15 am- i give into the kolaches... again.

11:30 am- tech lady returns, asks me how to install the software for the video card... why are we paying her $75 bucks an hour?

12:00 noon- finally she finishes and asks to use the fax machine, i politely point it out to her and tell her dial 9 assuming all other functions of a fax are pretty standard.

12:15 pm- she is still standing at the fax talking really loudly about how she knows nothing about computers or printers (obvi.)

12:25pm- i hear her yell "OOHHHH you have to put them face down?!?! the girl that works here didn't mention they had a WEIRD fax machine." how is this my fault?

12:40 pm- i finally get to do some "work" i change the date on an entry in the database. i have no idea what this means.

12:45 pm- everyone goes to lunch. i am full from the 2 kolaches i gobbled earlier so i sit at my computer and read the company bitch.

and here we stand. these people pay me. they are silly.

There Are Now Two Phases of Your Life...

Ok, first things first. I realize I haven't blogged since Michael Jackson was the same color as LaToya. I was in a bit of a funk. But ladies and gentlemen. Let me introduce you to the object that has changed my life:

That is the French Connection Denim Romper.

After a sort of lack luster Friday night, I am awakened by a call from my brother. He informs me that we are having lunch together, he will be at my apartment in 20 minutes.

I cannot currently see the floor of my bedroom, our chalk board coffee table is covered in lovingly drawn pictures of penises and empty beer cans from the night before.

Agenda:

1. Put on clothes that you did not wear to bars the night before.

2. Remove raccoon-like circles under eyes.

3. Wipe off coffee table and place all beer cans in trash receptacle.

4. Throw everything on my floor in my bedroom into the closet and PRAY that my sister in law does not want to see how big it is.

We had a leisurely lunch and I had promised to help a friend go shopping for business attire as his first day of work is today. What he did not realize at the time was that my idea of "helping" a guy shop is acting like a petulant child, saying vulgar things just loud enough to make salesmen really uncomfortable, and pointing out how much said shopper needs things like a black and white checked blazer or a seersucker suit all while demanding that we get a Starbucks every 5 minutes.

Luckily Venus came along and is an experienced shopper as she has outfitted her younger brother for most of his life. Once we finished shopping I hijacked Venus and forced her to do, what else, more shopping. We had a religious experience at Sephora and then headed to Dillards for the sheer fact that we had never been to the Dillards in that mall.

The paycheck that I get at the first of the month is used mainly for rent, so my spending room is really pretty limited. However, when I saw this romper, I knew it was destiny. (I had previously been seeking out a white romper to wear to an all white party to be hosted by Nouns and I - but this one was SO much better). We were also planning to attend a country concert and I could NOT resist. Oh yeah, and then I spent even more money that I don't have on some new MAC eyeshadow that I bought from what was certainly a Tranny.

I headed back to Venus's apartment and took a shower. When I got out, I wasn't going to put on my old clothes. So I dawned the Romper. A LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE. As soon as I had it on, I knew I could flirt better, drink more, and be more ridiculous in general. In short, it made me rowdy.

So we all meet back at our apartment and pile into one car and head to this concert. Copious amounts of beer are had. We are the only people dancing through most of the concert, and when I say dancing, I mean twirling around like small children. Everyone is so annoyed with us.

Venus has slipped some Vodka in between her beers and is starting to get a little out of hand. I can tell that she is about 1 sip away from turning into a mean drunk, so I implore our DD to babysit her. I turn to say something to someone else, turn back, and now Venus has two beers in her hands. There is only one thing to do. Chug and reload.

I kindly inform Venus that we have plans when we get back to pour her into bed, then go out. Mainly because I felt bad for the DD who I don't think ended up having a great time anyway. The Romper has given me a renewed confidence, so upon the first meeting of a man we get the initial "I work in finance, you are a consultant" bs out of the way. I cut him off in mid sentence to discuss this with him.

Dude: "So basically I just tell businesses what..."

Me: "I'm bored of this. If someone invented a way to travel instantaneously from point a to point b but it would take two years off your life, would you do it?"

Dude (a little bewildered): "can I go anywhere"

Me: "Sure"

Dude: "Like from here to the bathroom"

Me: "Yeah, why not"

Dude: "Absolutely"

We chatted for awhile, I gave him a business card. He said "Maybe I'll give you a call sometime." No sir, you absolutely will not.

So its about 1:45 and I send some precarious text messages. Nouns, Boat Party and I begin the trip home. All the while I am yelling obscene things. For instance a car honked at us and I retorted "come back and rip this romper right off me." You get the picture. Nouns and I hatch a plan to go to the Spearmint Rhino. It is really the best idea I have heard. By the time we get home I am over the moon.

At about 2:15 I get a text message. A return from the precarious texts earlier. Somebody is taking the bait. That's right ladies and gentlemen, Thing Two is back on the scene. He informs me via text that Spearmint Rhino closes at 2:00. Nouns and I experience simultaneous breaking of the heart. I decide now is a good time to drive to Thing Two's apartment for a late night make-out.

When I leave in the morning, he is still sleeping and right after I close his door he wakes up and yells "Hey." He comes to the door and says:

T2: "Are you leaving"

Me: "Yeah"

T2: "Oh, I thought I heard something"

Me: "Yeah, you did, me. Getting up. And leaving"

I then proceded to slap him on the ass and stroll out of his apartment still wearing the Romper and my cowboy boots. Normal people doing normal things on the street were staring at me like I was a prostitute.

When I got home and relayed this information to Nouns and Venus, Nouns had the clarity to say.

"Wow, its like there were two phases of your life. Pre-romper, and Post-romper."

I think shes right. And I think I like it.

also.

watch out fiends (typo, i'm not fixing it.) feels like a celeb when he gets mentioned in the blog, so let it be known hes way jealous of our almost stripclub tryst.

forgive me. i am drunk.

the scene: my living room. post booze fest at a concert. i have already been told my left breast is entirely exposed and i totally want whataburger.

the facts
- i lied about my name to 85% of the people i met
-shoulders needs a man to rip her denim romper off her nubile body
-i am texting people to accompany me to a strip club
-everyone else is passed out

k bye.

Nouns and Boat Party do Austin.

First things first... some stage directions to set the scene. The crew minus a few (most importantly lyrical cabbage) have moved to the big D. Boat party and i took a trip back for a little walk down debauchery lane.

Picture it: Labor Day 2008, college football opening weekend.
Act one, Scene one: Upon our arrival in austin, we meet up with Lyrical cabbage at her new "adult" apartment and immediately head out for Mexican Martinis. After a round of drinks and a huge bowl of queso, we get in a cab (which i clumisly cut my foot on) and head straight for "our bar."
Act one, Scene two: we are immediately greeted with a free round of vodka sodas the familiar sound of the DJ creepily saying "JEENNNYY" (nope not my real name... he just thinks it is) as i prance up the bar. the next few hours are a blur "omg how are yous" and "UGHHH theres that girl i hate". we head to the big beer bar to end the night and i could not be more pleased. some nice man places a glass of the colorado koolaid in my hands and i'm set. i'm catching up with old friends when i turn and see him. the ex. i have yet to name this creature, soo i guess that will be his name. hes there with his new girlfriend (they met when she was sleeping with his roommate, classy i know). luckily its close to closing i pound a couple of beers and me, boat party, lc, next door neighbor, and his military friend pour ourselves in cab.
Act one, Scene three: now this where the night gets REALLY blurry. i dont know how it happened, but lc gets offended by something ndn does... at first i think shes crazy. later i found out he said "bitch money and shit to me" and threw money in her face (no wonder she was pissed). LC is so angry she leaves her new phone in the cab. these are my people.

Act two, Scene one: we spend the next day tailgating and head to a bar (since they don't sell the hooch at the stadium) to watch to watch UT beat the shit out of some no talent assclowns.
Act two, Scene two: we head down town where we meet up with watch out friends, bdv and crew who after one round of drinks decide to go to the campus bar instead. i should have just lit money on fire, it would have been a better investment.
Act two, Scene three: boat party and i essentially babysit a table while the boys booze like crazy. cut to the end of the night. its 1:55 and WOF has 5 shots lined up and 2 beers in his hand. BDV is asleep at the table (after he fell over backwards in his chair) and boat party and i are trying fruitlessly to round the troops. we finally get them in the car and head home. at the destination WOF decides getting out of the car is an AWFUL idea.
Act two, Scene four: he comes with us to taco cabana. i am a shit talker. i love to heckle and make outlandish claims of my awesomeness. so is WOF.we begin arguing about who can drink more and as hes listing all the things he can beat me at he yells "I WILL EAT YOU OUT". silence followed by GUTTERAL laughter. inside taco cabana there is a newly wed couple. like just wed 20 minutes ago at the local community center. maybe their backyard. WOF proposes a polygamous relationship (which is why i suppose we are supposed to watch out??) we inhale some tacos and head back to LC's to pass out on the floor. as soon as i park the car WOF gets out and voms ALL over a tree. after trying to deny his trail of booze clues, we get him up stairs and we immediately pass out.

Act three, Scene one: breakfast at the fattest restaurant in the world we are the only table who doesnt have to buy two tickets when flying. we recap the evening, show WOF the evidence he left outside LC's apartment and embark on another day boozing.
Act three, Scene two: we head to an outdoor music festival put on by LC's man friend. after downing 16oz bud lights for about an hour, Lyrical Cabbage, Boat Party, our new friends Broadway and the photographer begin to put on a show singing and dancing included. best concert ever (not sure if i feel that way due to booze, music, or the company). We settled into bed with a bottle of wine and a 90210 marathon (not to mention the harsh realization that we are old).

CURTAIN.