When I was in elementary school, we never participated in fund raisers because I went to private school (that's right public school kids, suck it - not only am I smarter than you, I am infinitely more socially awkward).
Today my Boss (who is coincidentally my Step-MILF) came in and set down a rather large catalogue of what looked like crap to me. Then she said "OK, Aunt Shoulders, you have to buy SOMETHING."
It dawned on me that I had just gotten roped into some kind of PTA fundraiser for my Niece. It also dawned on me that I needed a drink.
I immediately began to feel nauseous. As I thumbed through the catalogue I realized that it was comprised of four categories:
1) Christmas Wrapping Paper
2) Things that will make me fat
3) Useless crap that no-one needs
4) Overpriced useless crap that no-one needs
Despite the fact that I am one of the least decisive people that I know, I begin to search desperately for something to buy so that I could get this thing out of my life. This is made increasingly difficult because:
1) I hate Christmas
2) I am already fat(ish) and do not wish to become more so
3) I have way too much useless crap
4) I have no money
Throughout the catalogue there are helpful hints from "Sally." I have no idea who "Sally" is but I hate her guts.
She suggests wrapping tiny jewelry boxes in Christmas paper and adding them to a wreath for a decorative touch. Hey Sally - NO ONE GIVES ME JEWELRY AND I AM TOO POOR TO BUY IT FOR MYSELF THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN, BITCH.
She later suggests that I reuse old Christmas bows by making them into a miniature tree using a wooden dowel and a coffee can as the base. Sally, that is just tacky. That will look like shit, and I will not do it.
Long story short, my decision process consisted of closing my eyes and pointing at something then opening them to find that I was the proud owner of a set of 6 "stylish" votive candles for the low low price of $15.50.
I completely plan on playing this up in order to skip out early on the kids soccer games
which i have to attend
at 9 am
ON SATURDAY
UPDATE: I just walked into my brother's office and told him I purchased the aforementioned candles. His response: "If you are telling me this so that you don't have to come to soccer on Saturday, you are shit out of luck."
I am now convinced that my brother has some sort of program installed on my computer that lets him see what I am doing on the internet. I'm doomed.
UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: I was informed that BOTH of my nieces are participating so I have to buy TWO things. I caved and got snickerdoodles and m&m cookies. I hope someone will still love me when I look like Kirstie Alley.
Also, the other girl who works in my office brought in her kids fund raiser. Apparently I have "pushover" written in my file or something. The sad thing is, I'm totally going to buy something.
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3 comments:
Welcome to the SINK team: Single Income, No Kids. We are always the ones buying the crap for little Chester and Donna. Votives were a good choice; I probably would have caved and gotten the white chocolate covered pretzels or something equally as fatty.
At work earlier in the week, our office manager pulled me aside and asked me if I wanted to get any cookie dough from her daughter's fund raiser. She said, "Since you weren't here on Friday (I called in semi-sick), I wanted to make sure you didn't get left out!" Please lady, my ass would have loved for you to leave me out. But instead I purchased three pounds, or something obnoxious like that, of oat meal raisin cookie dough. I fully intend to cook batches for UFD as well as pass them out to homeless people. My goal is to not eat a single one. So Shoulders, I feel your pain.
In accordance with the update to the update, I too purchased about 3 lbs. of cookie dough in various flavors. so in our apartment, we will have the equivalent of 6 lbs of cookie dough. Which I plan to sculpt into a new pet.
I've been feeling a little lonely lately. How would you feel about having a cookie dough cocker spaniel?
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