There Are Now Two Phases of Your Life...

Ok, first things first. I realize I haven't blogged since Michael Jackson was the same color as LaToya. I was in a bit of a funk. But ladies and gentlemen. Let me introduce you to the object that has changed my life:

That is the French Connection Denim Romper.

After a sort of lack luster Friday night, I am awakened by a call from my brother. He informs me that we are having lunch together, he will be at my apartment in 20 minutes.

I cannot currently see the floor of my bedroom, our chalk board coffee table is covered in lovingly drawn pictures of penises and empty beer cans from the night before.

Agenda:

1. Put on clothes that you did not wear to bars the night before.

2. Remove raccoon-like circles under eyes.

3. Wipe off coffee table and place all beer cans in trash receptacle.

4. Throw everything on my floor in my bedroom into the closet and PRAY that my sister in law does not want to see how big it is.

We had a leisurely lunch and I had promised to help a friend go shopping for business attire as his first day of work is today. What he did not realize at the time was that my idea of "helping" a guy shop is acting like a petulant child, saying vulgar things just loud enough to make salesmen really uncomfortable, and pointing out how much said shopper needs things like a black and white checked blazer or a seersucker suit all while demanding that we get a Starbucks every 5 minutes.

Luckily Venus came along and is an experienced shopper as she has outfitted her younger brother for most of his life. Once we finished shopping I hijacked Venus and forced her to do, what else, more shopping. We had a religious experience at Sephora and then headed to Dillards for the sheer fact that we had never been to the Dillards in that mall.

The paycheck that I get at the first of the month is used mainly for rent, so my spending room is really pretty limited. However, when I saw this romper, I knew it was destiny. (I had previously been seeking out a white romper to wear to an all white party to be hosted by Nouns and I - but this one was SO much better). We were also planning to attend a country concert and I could NOT resist. Oh yeah, and then I spent even more money that I don't have on some new MAC eyeshadow that I bought from what was certainly a Tranny.

I headed back to Venus's apartment and took a shower. When I got out, I wasn't going to put on my old clothes. So I dawned the Romper. A LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE. As soon as I had it on, I knew I could flirt better, drink more, and be more ridiculous in general. In short, it made me rowdy.

So we all meet back at our apartment and pile into one car and head to this concert. Copious amounts of beer are had. We are the only people dancing through most of the concert, and when I say dancing, I mean twirling around like small children. Everyone is so annoyed with us.

Venus has slipped some Vodka in between her beers and is starting to get a little out of hand. I can tell that she is about 1 sip away from turning into a mean drunk, so I implore our DD to babysit her. I turn to say something to someone else, turn back, and now Venus has two beers in her hands. There is only one thing to do. Chug and reload.

I kindly inform Venus that we have plans when we get back to pour her into bed, then go out. Mainly because I felt bad for the DD who I don't think ended up having a great time anyway. The Romper has given me a renewed confidence, so upon the first meeting of a man we get the initial "I work in finance, you are a consultant" bs out of the way. I cut him off in mid sentence to discuss this with him.

Dude: "So basically I just tell businesses what..."

Me: "I'm bored of this. If someone invented a way to travel instantaneously from point a to point b but it would take two years off your life, would you do it?"

Dude (a little bewildered): "can I go anywhere"

Me: "Sure"

Dude: "Like from here to the bathroom"

Me: "Yeah, why not"

Dude: "Absolutely"

We chatted for awhile, I gave him a business card. He said "Maybe I'll give you a call sometime." No sir, you absolutely will not.

So its about 1:45 and I send some precarious text messages. Nouns, Boat Party and I begin the trip home. All the while I am yelling obscene things. For instance a car honked at us and I retorted "come back and rip this romper right off me." You get the picture. Nouns and I hatch a plan to go to the Spearmint Rhino. It is really the best idea I have heard. By the time we get home I am over the moon.

At about 2:15 I get a text message. A return from the precarious texts earlier. Somebody is taking the bait. That's right ladies and gentlemen, Thing Two is back on the scene. He informs me via text that Spearmint Rhino closes at 2:00. Nouns and I experience simultaneous breaking of the heart. I decide now is a good time to drive to Thing Two's apartment for a late night make-out.

When I leave in the morning, he is still sleeping and right after I close his door he wakes up and yells "Hey." He comes to the door and says:

T2: "Are you leaving"

Me: "Yeah"

T2: "Oh, I thought I heard something"

Me: "Yeah, you did, me. Getting up. And leaving"

I then proceded to slap him on the ass and stroll out of his apartment still wearing the Romper and my cowboy boots. Normal people doing normal things on the street were staring at me like I was a prostitute.

When I got home and relayed this information to Nouns and Venus, Nouns had the clarity to say.

"Wow, its like there were two phases of your life. Pre-romper, and Post-romper."

I think shes right. And I think I like it.