Tidbits

There are so many things I could blog about right now that I don't even know where to start. It is currently 12:56 and I am still a little drunk at work. So lets play this fun game where I tell you things that have been said to me in the last 24 hours. This is going to be a REAL gigglefest.

Me (to Venus): "My life is silly"
Sandwich shop employee: "easy there, don't use such strong words"
Me: "sorry sir, that is pretty much the only adjective that is appropriate."

Old friend: "Are you a hair model?"
(Venus lies and tells him I am in fact a hair model, I have no job, I just model hair he believes her)
Old friend: "If I had hair like that I would never have to work a day in my life"
Me: "I don't work, I just get deposits."
Old Friend: "I just want to do your hair all crazy"
Venus: "That's kind of kinky."

An Email conversation with my mother:

Hey,
what day are you leaving for your mexico trip?
wish i was going w/you! take sunscreen to avoid sun damage that i suffer from now...
luv u.
mom

(yes, my 50 year old mother just said "luv u.")

I replied with some mundane talk about moving, nothing you need to waste your time reading. She agrees to move me on Memorial Day because then she doesn't have to waste any vacation time.

..is a holiday, Memorial Day. JS and I are both off. ls

(please note that my mother signs almost all emails with her initials, because I am incapable of figuring out who is emailing me by reading the email address which is first.lastname@herjob.com)

Oh perfect.... want to spend your holiday lifting heavy things?

i will move your pillows for you.

actually, you should ditch your pillows, buy new ones!

This is going to sound strange... but who are my godparents? We were talking about it last night and I have no idea who mine are.


that is sad and what is sadder, I'm not sure, I will look it up- I kind of think it is someone you don't even know.
It may be our past priest and wife- The what's-their-names? They moved off from Mineola. OK, I will look it up. so sorry. do you want new ones? who would they be? ls

Donald and Melania Trump? At least then I would have gotten some money for graduation.

This might be worse than the time you told me you forgot my name for a whole day.

It was not for the whole day....only a moment in time. Its a hard job being a mom...


Especially when [My Asshole Brother] is one of your children


Oh, I love you all more than you'll ever know....you might know some day when you have children of your own!

Mother - You know how I feel about having children

(no reply, probably because she is currently praying for my salvation or talking to my dog.)

Then at work, I turn to Karyn and for some reason tell her I am still drunk, that I was drunk yesterday, and will probably be drunk again tonight. She loves this about me. Karen and I bond over talk about sandals and how we can't be bothered to buy expensive ones because we destroy things.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME, I AM FRIENDS WITH KAREN??!?!?!

I have a 20 minute conversation with the guy who just got engaged at my office about Top Chef. He says he likes Dale, I tell him to go get a CAT scan. Then I say"

Me: "I'd really like to like Richard, I mean, he seems like a legit chef, but hes just such a douche bag."
Recently engaged guy: "Uh, wow, don't hold back, tell me how you really feel."

I HAVE TURNED IN TO KAREN ... I REPEAT, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME??!?!?!

He leaves, comes back a bit later and says THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD:

Recently engaged guy: "Everyone is engaged. You are engaged right? I mean I know you have a serious boyfriend."
Me: (can't speak, laughing too hard)
Recently engaged guy: "What's so funny?"
Me: "HAD a boyfriend of three years, we broke up like 2 weeks after I started working here."
(he starts to feel awkward)
Me: "Oh, its fine, I had 8 months to mull it over, I can't be bothered by it anymore."
Him: "Oh..."
Me: "I am pretty much the most single anyone can possibly be."
(crickets)
Me: "Wait, that sounded pathetic. I am pretty much the most single anyone can possibly be AND I FREAKING LOVE IT. There, much better"

(he all but runs out of the room)

My Facebook Wall:
Lyrical Cabbage says - Just opened my wallet thingy to find the business card of the man who drove us home on Wednesday night. In case you forgot, he was both a caterer AND a cab driver. AMAZING.

My text message inbox: "You are a puss...we're here and you didn't even bother to say hi you bitch."

My G Chat:

(For a little context...when I was drunk yesterday morning I asked my friend NoPantsParty to steal back some of my sorority koozies from my ex-boyfriend)

NoPantsParty: so i have bad news
me: oh no...
NoPantsParty: i went to joes last nightto do a little recon
there were two coozies in the drawer
one was purple and said something about eggs
me: i know the one
NoPantsParty: and the other was tiger and i dont remember what it said
so then i went back this morning after he had left for work
because joe said he had a huge stack of them on his dresser
NoPantsParty: but he must have moved them because they werent there
or IN his dresser
NoPantsParty: or on/in his desk
or in his closet
or under his bed
or in the bathroom

(I love her dedication - not only did she try to rob them from his kitchen, she went into his room, then dug through his underwear drawer for me, and his bathroom, and under his bed, I mean...wow. I need more friends like this)

me: its like he KNEW
Well, thats pretty typical... its not enough for that asshole to just shit all over my life, he has to throw out my koozies too


So the point of all of this is that, as you can see, through ANY form of communication, I am a hot mess. I have to go to a company wide meeting at 3pm where I fully intend to say more increasingly awkward things. Bet on it.


UPDATE: I just received this email:

After today’s company meeting we are having a happy hour at Baby Acapulco’s #3, 5610 N IH-35 (southbound frontage of I-35) around 5pm. First round is on us.

Come join us!


THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST DAY EVER.