I'm currently the most sober I've been in weeks (its my senior year of college and I start a new job in 3 weeks....leave me alone) and am attempting to piece together the shambles that are my life. (Read: Doing laundry. It appears I am single-handedly keeping the Hanes Corporation in business. I have Beefy T's, Heavyweights, Lightweights, ComfortSoft....the list goes on and on. Thanks sorority.)
Where to start, where to start....there's so much to say so I'll just hit some of the high points. But let me warn you...as far as length goes this one will be a doozy. Grab a soda (okay...a beer), sit back and enjoy making fun of the shitshow that is my life.
Thursday.....
Was the highly anticipated last day of class of my undergraduate career. I went to school (a rarity) --took a test and went to finance. There are 15 minutes left in my finance class (THE LAST CLASS OF MY COLLEGE CAREER) and my teacher says, "Okay there is one more thing you will need to know for the final (worth 60% of my grade). Usually it takes me three weeks to cover this topic but I am going to try and do it in the next 15 minutes."
Yes, he's serious. This is the man who wears a denim blazer and pulls dollar bills out of his pocket every time he says the term "treasury notes." He then waves said dollar bills around just in case none of us took oh.....basic economics and understand that a treasury note is in fact MONEY.
Neat. Needless to say drinks were in order. Luckily a happy hour had been arranged in my (and others') honor by our place of employment. Myself and one such other intern and dear friend, Bitty LaTitties (her choice) decided to take full advantage of the company funds. We drank 3 margs each and then had our "boss" coerce the bartender into serving each of us a fourth. Fully necessary, I assure you. THEN, BLT and I made our way to the campus bar for mason jars of Texas Teas. (Many apologies to Shoulders and Nouns for accidentally? walking out on the bill.)
Our next move?? Into some cute dresses (that my mother would not approve of) and DT. Now, in an effort to cut the calories, BLT and I decided to forgo dinner at our happy hour. Instead we stuck to the "hot girl diet" of chips, salsa and copious amounts of booze. This was a very bad idea. By the time we hit 6th street I was sure that another drop of alcohol would quite literally kill me. Luckily a greasy pizza stand was conveniently located next to our first stop, Cheers.
Oh Cheers.....
We walk in, I turn to BLT and say, "Wow, this looks like a sophmore SAE pledge class mixer." (Keep in mind I do not know a single one of these kids. I just have a feeling.) Everyone in the bar is CLEARLY underage. But we have a friend who bartends there, so we stay. Not five minutes into being there I can feel one of the babies staring at me. The he "accidentally" bumps into me. I ignore, but then realize....this might be fun. BLT and I head to the ladies and sure enough on our way back he grabs me and drops the one pick-up line that gets me every time, "Hey, do you want a shot?"
BLT (to all of them): "So what's your story? Year? Fraternal Affiliation? Etc?"
A baby: "We are sophomores....SAEs. FAKE IDs ARE SO COOL." (Okay they didn't really say that exactly but you get the gist.)
Anyway, I basked in my moment of glory knowing I had hit the nail right on the head. That is until the people next to me started toasting to "Being 19." Get. Me. Out. Of. Here.
We move on to MY BAR. As the night goes one we run into "friends" BLT and I made a few weeks ago at the campus bar. I don't think they are real people. I only see them at bars and the one "gentleman" who has taken a particular interest in me says the most jackass shit I have ever heard in my life. I should never talk to this person again, but the fact that he says asshole things allows me to do the same. You can see my dilemma....
I am doomed to be single for the rest of my life.
Friday....
Was senior day at the campus bar. Due in large part to the happy hour turned DT debauchery the previous evening, I had what might possibly be the worst hangover of my life. But I know I can't miss this sacred event. So I put my game face on and go. It was fun, good to see some people, not so good to see others, but all in all something I needed to attend. So go me for sacking up.
I didn't make it dt that night....and I should have. I was later informed that TB was at the blessed place I met him the week before and I have a few choice words for his no call routine. Typical.
Saturday....
Became an alum of the sorority. Had to drink as a result....I'm not sure I can handle being this old. AGAIN, spent the day drinking at the campus bar. They should seriously put my picture up in that place to commemorate how much time and money I have spent there. I was talking to a friend on Friday at senior day who said he calculated that over four years he had dropped close to $8,000 there. I doubt I'm that close because.....let's be honest, I usually coerce someone (of the male persuasion) into buying my drinks, but seriously I have had a bomb-ass (who says that?) fake ID since sophomore year (oh shit....I can now clearly remember toasting to being 19....) so I've dropped a pretty penny.
Anyway....decide I must head DT again. Shoulders and Suite 204 are in and ready to get funky. The night is looking TRULY AMAZING. We pre-party in Suite 204 where we lust over Chris Brown, join a love train, and Fiji twirl to our heart's content. It's time to take our dance moves to 6th....
AND THEN IT HAPPENS. That fat whore steals the purse. The night is lost. Fuck her. That night was going to be AMAZING.
Sunday....
After watching Shoulders put her life back together we grab Suite 204 and head to brunch at......you guessed it....THE CAMPUS BAR. I scare away my hangover with a few mimosas and a greasy sandwich. The rest of the day is spent drinking beer by the pool and drunkenly buying sequins at Michaels to make masks for the evening's masquerade party. In a moment of sheer genius, I figure out that the most efficient and "stylish" way to make my mask is to cover it in hot glue and roll the entire thing in a pile of sequins. (Read: Best mask I have ever seen. Think 80s Madonna mixed with the stylings of The Golden Girls.)
The party was a typical sorority function. Of course I didn't have a date. There was a fortune teller. She was not too insightful in my personal opinion....she told me I have trust issues with guys. Hmmmmm. That's so strange for someone my age who deals with fratdaddies on a regular basis....WHATEVER.
After some time there we head to 6th to MY BAR (Shoulders' too). Who should be there but Jared Paladecki of Gilmore Girls fame (though I know him better from the critically acclaimed "House of Wax"). OMG!! Shoulders is a HUGE Gilmore Girls fan. Personally, I can take it or leave it but I recognize that this is a big moment for her. She is literally jumping up and down, grinning from ear to ear like a five year old who has just walked into DisneyWorld for the first time. We scrounge up a camera while she talks his ear off about her love of the show. He is looking rather uncomfortable. We take the picture and.....he bolts. Leaves the bar all together. Hilarious. Shoulders doesn't even care....she has her picture and that's all that matters. (We also saw Darlene from the Bad Girls Club at a previous bar so it was truly a star-studded night.)
Monday....
My pledge class is supposed to be taking part in the Trudy's Challenge. We have even rented a limo for the occasion. As soon as I wake up in the morning I immediately throw up. My body hates me so much for the things I keep putting in it. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to drink anything ever again.
By 2pm I am on my second Mexican Martini. I have never felt better in my life. This is the best day of my life. And we still get to go to another Trudy's!! WHEEEEEEEEE!!
We finish with Trudy's and someone (let's be honest...probably me) has the brilliant idea that the limo should drop us off at....the campus bar. Nouns has the limo driver pull up right in front so anyone and everyone at the bar can see our sweet, sweet ride. We are met with cheers from the table of fratdaddies we all know so well who happen to be pounding Texas Teas as we roll up. Again....this is the best day of my life.
10pm.....I wake up on my couch. My hands are sticky. There is ketchup all over my coffee table. Rements of a cheeseburger and fries. Is that a melted chocolate shake? Nouns is passed out in the chair next to me. How did we get here?? Go to my bed...pass back out.
Tuesday....
1am.....wake up again. Four missed calls. Four text messages. Some from a number I don't recognize wanting to know "what you ladies are up to tonight." Apparently, we made new friends at the campus bar. I later learn they were Canadian and in town for a frisbee golf tournament. That's really almost as ridiculous as BILLIARDS. But not quite....
Call BLT who has also just woken up. We are sad we missed going DT. Pass back out.
6am....wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed. Judging from my missed calls I passed out sometime around 8pm so I am feeling refreshed. Find Nouns curled up in the same chair (too lazy to move to the couch). She is also awake. We watch a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie (yes, I own those) and try to piece together the previous day.
10am....wonder why my left foot hurts so damn bad. Nouns reminds me about the field goal kicking challenge that took place at the campus bar. I was determined to make one and after many failed attempts (I actually have a great kick from soccer....unfortunately my accuracy WASTED is lacking). Walk to where we left our cars and attempt to lead normal lives.
12:09am....receive a text from Nouns. "The canadians from (the campus bar) are at Aquarium (DT)."
She is DT.
I am at the campus bar.
"Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them."
-- George Santayana
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