19 is the New Black

I am drunk right now and that is pretty much the only time you will get this story out of me ever again so here goes nothing...

The Future Mrs. W became Mrs. W. three days ago. I was the only person who was not a member of the immediate family who was invited to join the wedding party in Mexico. My life is also a mess because on Tuesday (1 day before the wedding) I got fired from my job for quitting (that could be a whole story in its self, but I'd rather die before relive that shit). Ever since that dumb whore stole my things (see previous post) I wake up every morning feeling like I have been blindfolded, spun around for 10 minutes, and then given three shots of tequila before being sent on my way. So needless to say, I did something really stupid. I wasn't even drunk and I somehow managed to leave my ENTIRE suitcase at my house in Austin while I drove to Dallas to meet up with Nouns and then my dad who agreed to drive me to the airport the following morning.

I arrive at my dad's office and open the back of my car and just stare with my mouth hanging open. I can't believe what I've done. The Geek (my brother) just stands by giggling while I explain to my dad what just happened.

Me: "I think I forgot my suitcase"
Dad: (trying to hide laughter)
Me: "Wow, it's been a while since I've done something THAT stupid"
Dad: (outwardly laughing)
Me: "This really isn't funny"
Dad: "Just get in my car, we'll figure this out."
Me: "Just take me to Target, I will just reload"
Dad: "What about your bridesmaid's dress."
Me: "SHIT!"

I was perfectly willing a this point to drive myself back to my apartment then back to Dallas. After all, it was my effing mistake. But my dad refuses. Instead he calls in a personal favor to get The Nicest Guy I've Never Met to meet GP and get my suitcase. TNGINM drives all the way to Austin to get my suitcase and agrees to meet us in Dallas at 7:30.

MOTHER NATURE HATES ME.

There is a tornado in TNGINM's hometown and he doesn't make it to Dallas in time. In fact, he is about 10 minutes too late. Dad drives me to the airport and I am late for check in. I run up to the counter and inform the attendant of the situation.

Me: "Hi, I'm running a little late"
Attendant: "Are you Emily? They told me you were on your way."
Me: "Yes, sorry."
Attendant: "Sweetie, where is your luggage?"
Me: (bursting into tears)

The attendant had to fill out my forms for me because I was crying so hard. They try to convince me to wait a day and get on the next flight, but I know that Mrs. W. will freak out WAY more if I'm not there than if the dress isn't there.

I get into the airport and explain the situation to Mrs. W's sister, mother, and father. They all think this is hilarious and that I should have my own reality show (they are right, but that is beside the point). Her dad spends the entire next 3 hours convincing me that Mrs. W. is going to completely freak out when I tell her what happened.

I sit near Mrs. W's 15 year old brother and a strange man who is a Surveyor. The Surveyor orders a double whiskey and coke. He turns to me and says, "you don't look so good, are you OK?" I again explain the situation. He hands me an airplane bottle of whiskey and says "you need this more than I do."

I have never been so grateful to anyone in my entire life (except maybe GP for getting my bag out of my apartment in the first place.)

Mrs. W's Dad spends the entire flight convincing me that Mrs. W is not only going to freak out, but she is going to CRY TEARS OF SORROW because of me.

I start to hyperventilate.

He starts to laugh.

We get to the hotel, the following conversation transpires:

Mrs. W. : "Hey!!! I AM SO GLAD YOU GUYS ARE HERE!!! Get on your swimsuits, lets go to the pool!!!"
Me: "Uh, hey (starting to get teary eyed) I, uh, everything is OK, but I just have to tell you something. Um, I, uh, forgot my luggage. It's a long story, I uh, but my bridesmaid's dress was in the bag and it's going to be fine, it will be here, (outwardly crying) I'M SO SORRY, I WASN'T EVEN DRUNK."
Mrs. W. : "Oh. Do you need to borrow some clothes?"

SHE DIDN'T EVEN CARE!!!!

Fast forward to the wedding day:

I checked the night before and the package still hadn't arrived. My dad FedExed it and it was guaranteed to arrive by 6pm the prior day. I was certain that I was royally screwed. I woke up at 7:30 and talked to the front desk. They called the pilot of the FedEx plane (I have no effing idea how they got that number) and explained what was in the package. When I told them the wedding was at 1 pm they laughed at me. My only option was to chance it and go to the air port and try to get my package from customs myself.

I got a cab from our hotel. My driver's name was Alan. For the first moment in my life I was SO happy I had taken a cumulative 6 years of Spanish classes. I got the only taxi driver in Mexico that couldn't speak any English. I explained the situation, asked about his family, and told him I had to be back by 12:40. He agreed to help. Did I mention I wasn't wearing a bra?

So I suppose that in Cancun, Mexico there isn't a FedEx office, there is just a guy driving a FedEx truck. I am able to suppose that because I met this man. While I was waiting on him for "just 5 more minutes" between 11:30and 12:30 old men kept coming out of the customs office, kissing me on the cheek, and telling my that I was both "very beautiful" and "very lucky" because things never get through customs so fast. I pay $150 for my package, hop back in the cab with Alan a mere 10 minutes before the wedding, and yell that "Ahorita somos amiogs mejores, Alan (Right now we are BEST friends Alan)."

We get back to the hotel. I throw all of my remaining cash at Alan and take off running through the hotel lobby(in heels, so clearly I am a spectacle). Every single person in the lobby is staring at me...but I can't be bothered, I have places to be. I get to Mrs. W's room and start banging on the door and screaming. I change in 32 seconds and head out to the gazebo where they are getting married. The "wedding" occurs.

It has been a long day. I need a drink.

Me: "Carlos! (the bartender who I am now best friends with) Nescicito una margarita MUY grande."
Carlos: (holds up a 10 gallon bucket) "Como este?"
Me: "SI!"
Carlos: " No, no quieres una margarita mas grande, quieres una margarita mas fuerte! Si?"
Me: "Whatever Carlos, I just need some booze!"

Please note this conversation. It is important to the plot.

I continue to drink margaritas "mas fuertes."

Final highlight of the wedding:

Mr. W's 19 year old brother was the Man of Honor. He has a history with Mrs. W's little sister. I get loaded, go on a walk with MOH on the beach... end up making out with MOH on a beach chair.

It's not bad enough that I am currently making out with a child.

HIS PARENTS CATCH US.

His mother tells me that I need to "Get back to my room." In my state of being I think this is a brilliant idea and just leave to pass out in my room. Mrs. W's sister sees us making out. So I have adequately pissed off most of the wedding party. Curtains.

This morning, the MOH facebook messages me to make sure that I don't "hate" him. I inform him that he was merely a set of lips, and my brain was merely floated in tequila. My life continues to be silly. I am currently packing as much of my life up as possible in preparations for my move next Monday. I am also drinking vodka... bad combo. Let us see how the plot unfolds.....