Any ladies out there excluding the people who now write for this blog should know this about me.
You do not want me in your wedding. I am just going to get drunk and fuck shit up.
PROMISE.
Case in point. Tonight I am hosting my best friend from highschool's bachelorette party at my apartment and in my city. All of the guests drove over 2 hours to get there. And what did I decide to do last night? Drink a fifth of vodka and be a belligerent mess.
I get a call from Venus at about 5:45. I got off work at 5:30. She says something to the effect of "blah blah blah, I need booze, blah blah." So I shower and drive to her house. While in transit, I get call from Nouns that goes a little something like this "blah blah blah, I'm already drunk, blah blah, case of beer, blah blah." You can see where I'm going with this.
Venus and I go to Nouns' apartment and get housed on some weird leftover vodka (at one point we had some Raspberry Absolute that we put in a blender with raspberry sorbet and made "vodka smoothie shots"). The Guinea Pig (who is now a writer for this blessed piece of non-fiction) is there, in full force and is texting lil' spoon.
We get downtown and head to our regular haunt where none of us get carded because we live there. Venus is DONE. I was drinking her drinks on the sly, but I don't think she would have noticed.
The typical debauchery ensues. I crash at Nouns' house and I DO mean crash. I woke up this morning, still drunk (there were jello shots involved). Nouns drives me to LC and Venus' house. I pull out my phone to call LC and it dies. Don't worry, it gets worse.
I sit on the front porch giggling and thinking I am screwed. At this point I am CERTAIN that my keys are in Venus & LC's house. Make note of that, it's important to the story line. The whole time, I'm thinking my best friend is already in Austin, waiting on me, and I have no way to contact her - In short, I am going to hell. About this time a squirrel arrives. This squirrel belongs to the devil. I am certain.
This squirrel wants me to die. He is holding a big fat nut and he drops it. The squirrel KNOWS that this is somehow my fault. He stares at me unwaveringly and hates every ounce of my being. It was a serious confrontation.
Me: "Ahh, go away squirrel"
Squirrel continues giving me the evil eye
Me: "Seriously, I did nothing"
Squirrel continues giving me the evil eye
Me: "Ok, you win, I'm going across the street."
So I sit across the street for a bit and decide that I am going to walk back to Nouns house and beg her roommate to drive me home. I have no key to my house.
I stumble to a stoplight at 11 AM and stand there. I might have been swaying a little (thanks, Jello shot). I look to the right and I see LC's car pull in. Yahtzee! I am saved. I run through their house and frantically search for my purse with my keys in it. Its a no go. So it dawns on me: My purse isn't at their house at all, I left it at Nouns apartment. LC is kind enough to drive me there and I scamper upstairs to find the door locked. BAD THINGS.
I could carry this story on, but here is the point. My keys are in the back of Nouns car while she toils away at Nordie. My friends are in town, driving around aimlessly because I have no keys.
I once gave a spare to Venus. She told me she lost it the other day. I call her on LC's phone and she says "What do you want, I am getting drunk." She has no time for me. Finally she agrees to "chug another mimosa" and meet me with my key. I haven't cleaned my apartment, I haven't planned anything. I am a bad friend.
Lyrical Cabbage just gave me a beer. All is right with the world.
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