A Little Trip Down Memory Lane

Here is some dumb shit I did as a child and totally forgot about until my mother was so kind as to bring it all up in front of the entire family.

-1986 I was born. On accident. This is something she'll never let me forget. Every now and then she says "I only had one child because I got it right the first time" but that is a lie. She only had one because she meant to have none and OOPS!

-1989 I put pennies in an electrical socket because my nightlight stopped working. I thought if i paid the socket it would work for me. Instead it singed my eyebrows, broke up the party my mom was attempting to have downstairs, and prompted the fire department's first visit to our house on my behalf.

-1990 Stole every goodie bag from the birthday party of a neighborhood kid I didn't like by stuffing them all in a knee brace and running. Fast. Fortunately, her parents didn't press Grand Theft charges. Unfortuantely, I didn't get to keep any of my loot.

-1992 I tried to stab my piano teacher. I know this sounds violent, but hear me out. It was with a plastic spoon and she was trying to slip me pills that would "make my fingers limber" by hiding them in a snickers bar. She threatened to press charges against my parents (I guess I drew blood when I bit her finger, my bad.)

-1993 I caught the bathroom on fire by trying to "put out the candles like they do at church" except with paper cups. Trip number 2 from the fire department.

-1994 I called my Grandma to tell on my mom for saying "Shit." This same year I also gave the cat a bath and tried to put her in the dryer.

-1995 I called my stepdad a bastard at the dinner table. In front of his parents. The first time we met them.

-1996 I refused to move off the boys baseball team. Other parents were very mean to my parents and threatened them. Apparently, I was not very good.

-1998 I put a frozen burrito in the microwave for 20 minutes instead of 2. Then I went swimming. Both things I was not allowed to do when my parents weren't home. The fire department was alerted (for the third time) and our house smelled AWFUL for about 6 months.

-1999 I quit school. I decided I was way to fucking smart for those people so I quit going. This lasted for 6 weeks until the district threatened legal action on my parents.

I have done MANY MANY more stupid things, however she quit paying attention to me when I could make my own macaroni and cheese and we moved to house where I could walk to school.