Holiday Gift Giving Guilde

T-minus 3 days until Christmas. If you're anywhere near as lazy as I am (which I doubt because I'm off the charts lazy, like so lazy sometimes I wonder if my roommate can just shower for me), you have not completed your Christmas shopping, or hell even started it. I thought I'd go ahead and compile a nice little list of gifts with which you can delight your family on Christmas morning requiring little to no effort.
1. For your far less stylish niece, give her items of clothing from your closet that no are no longer useful to you (ie: they involve dry-cleaning, ironing, or they are a size 2-- get over it, you'll never be back there again)
2. For your parents, a picture. Chances are one of them took this picture and they probably already have a copy, but maybe throw in that frame your boss gave you at the gift exchange, who cares if it says "gIrLfRiEnDs" in glitter? Its the thought that counts right??
3. For your uncle, that bottle of Skol Vodka you opened last night. Unless you've really mastered torturing your liver, there is NO way you finished the whole handle (every thrifty drunk knows it's much more cost effective to buy in bulk). To cover your tracks, fill the empty portion with water.
4. For the babies in the family (God forbid you have any yourself, I know you're not responsible enough to brush your teeth every night let alone feed a baby more than once a week), I suggest knives. I know this sounds risky, but might as well get them stared cutting the limes for your vodka soda early right? What else are babies good for except servantry?
4. Grandparents. This is where things get tricky. If you cross any sort of line you could be out of the will and let me tell you, Grandpa's decanter? You're going to want that. And his money. I would just draw them a picture. Use lots of glitter and macaroni. Hopefully they will mistake it as a gift from one of the kids in the family and be so moved by the thoughtfulness, or the bourbon, that they forget you were even there.
5. If you have a real drunk in your family (the kind of drunk like you who is also reading this list) just don't get them anything. Everyone knows they would rather be drinking cocktails watching the twinkle lights on the house across the street with rapt attention yelling "HEY IS THAT A DOG OR A REINDEER??" or "Question, are you Santa, pregnant, or just fat? If you're Santa bring me some fucking whiskey!!" at passersby.