Heckling Men in Tight Pants

Last night the entire crew plus one attended our first Texas Rangers baseball game. In true form, we arrived about 45 minutes late, headed straight to the concession stand to buy $7 beers and proceeded to say inappropriate things in front of children.

(Note: There was a child there with his father who was both swinging a plastic bat, and rolling around recklessly on those damn roller skate shoes. From previous posts you should know how I feel about those shoes. I can't understand what would allow any human being to arm their offspring and then set them loose in a crowd at high speeds. I felt like calling CPS. I am adding this story to the letter I am writing my congressman in favor of spiking the drinking supply with birth control.)

Our tickets are in the outfield on the second deck. We get in line to take the escalator up and the hobbit checking tickets informs us that we are not allowed to take our beers from downstairs upstairs even though they are in plastic cups. Any logical person would have just taken the stairs or found some way around this situation. We shrug our shoulders and begin to pound 22 ounces of frosty deliciousness. I suggested that the hobbit is merely trying to get us drunk and take advantage of us. Someone says, "I don't even want to imagine what that would look like." Which leads me immediately to imagine what the Hobbit would look like.... I almost spit my beer all over a small family trying to hold in my mix of disgust and bemusement.

I am already feeling a little buzzed. So I am thrilled when I realize that the crowd hates this guy on the opposing team who was formerly a Ranger and then made a big stink about getting off the team. I decide to try my hand at insulting him.

With the general boo's of the crowd in the background, I shout with all my might....

"YOUR PANTS ARE TIGHT"

"YOUR WIFE IS A BAD COOK"

and

"YOU SMELL LIKE PICKLES"

I was thrilled with myself and GP and Venus let out a resounding round of giggles. Some guys behind us were talking about security and Venus automatically assumes that they are trying to have me thrown out of the game. GP spent the entire game looking at baseball rosters on her iPhone in an attempt to find a new conquest. And I can only assume that Nouns spent the entire game trying to refrain from impulsively running her fingers through the AMAZING mullet of the man in front of her. I wish I could say that I was actually thrown out. Instead I got drunk and hit on by old men. Thus is my life.