Nouns, Venus, and I decided (shockingly) to go out on the Uptown. Venus had gotten a tip from a co-worker on where to go. We show up there, it appears to be both closed and a clothier. Not sure what that means, but the doors didn't say "boozery," so we abandoned those plans to go to some other bar that we never even made it to. Instead we stopped at a neighborhood bar that we had visited a time or two before. Things were looking a little bleak. Aside from a table full of men who managed to say "check out those three" just loud enough for us to hear upon entry, the crowd was a little sub par.
As we stood awkwardly in the path of EVERYONE in the bar, two uh... guys? approached.
Fuh-reak #1: "Guess what we did today" (yes that really was his opener, I couldn't make that up.)
(my immediate impulse was to say 'celebrated the legalization of gay marriage in Texas with a modest, but lovely ceremony?' somehow, I censored myself -don't worry...I WILL NEVER LET ME LIVE IT DOWN.)
Venus: "Uh......"
Fuh-reak # 2: "We laid out by a pool" (revealing sunburn)
They followed up this conversation by 1) abbreviating the word obvious 2) referring to something as "sex" (as in 'this Mexican food is sex in my mouth') and finally 3) hugging each of us as they left.
They said something awkward along the lines of :
Fuh-reak #2: "Well, we are going to go outside now...... (awkward pause)"
Nouns: "OK, we might join you later?"
We were just about to follow these guys outside just for the sheer entertainment factor when a tall gent turns and says something charming (read: something an asshole would say). I immediately eat it up.
We continue talking to this guy and his two friends. HIGHLIGHTS:
Thing One: "This is my special friend [Jerry's Kid]."
Nouns: "Special like Jerry's Kids?"
Thing Two: "This is Jerry's son!"
Me: "How do you spell your name"
(he spells it)
Me: "Oh, the cool way!" (obligatory high five)
Thing One: "That is so sweet, you are being nice to him because he is special."
Thing One (who I am clearly now drunkenly throwing myself at): "I think I want a cigarette. See if you can go steal me one and we will split it."
Me: (with stars in my eyes) "Okay!"
Me: "I need to ask you a favor. Can I borrow a cigarette?"
Me: "And by borrow I mean have..."
Matchstick man: "Yeah, sure, I'm [matchstick man]."
Me: "Yeah great, you are a god among men, see you later."
Thing One: "Thanks, you are awesome."
Me: "I know, can we go somewhere he can't see you smoke his cigarette?"
Thing One: "Oh, he knew it was coming."
Me: "I told him he was a god among men."
Thing One: "How poetic, but don't you thing that was kind of overkill? That guy is a douche."
Me: "Every dog needs their day."
Thing One: "Wow..."
Needless to say, when the bar closed Venus and I decide to post party with these guys. They are jerks, as funny as we are, and they are offering us free beer. Nouns concedes to go home as she has been out late the night before and she has to work in the morning.
Being as it was Father's Day weekend, we had been commenting on the large number of decrepit old people at the bar. One in particular had caught our eye at around closing time. I SWEAR ON A LITER OF VODKA THIS WOMAN THOUGHT SHE WAS SAMANTHA FROM SEX AND THE CITY. We briefly try to guess this cougar's age then think nothing more of it.
We arrive at said post party. Who should be there but the afore mentioned cougar. Thing One, Thing Two, Venus, and I giggle endlessly. We go in, partake in some libations, and continue to try and guess the Cougar's age. Keep in mind that the oldest of the guys is around 26. Guesses range from 32 to 48. After my second beer I am determined to put a stop to it.
Thing One: "No way man. She is at least 40."
Me: "That's it, I've had enough... I am going to finish this."
(I've clearly devised a plan. I run over to the balcony where The Cougar and several others are standing)
Me (to Jerry's Kid): "We are playing a drinking game, what's your birthday?"
Jerry's Kid: "May 5th."
Me: "of what year?"
Jerry's Kid: "1984"
Me: "Shit!" (I drink half of my beer and turn to some other guy)
Me: "You, what's your birthday?"
Random Guy: "September 23"
Me:"of what year?"
Random Guy: "1983"
Me: "Shit" (drink half of what's left and turn to The Cougar)
Me: "What's your birthday?"
The Cougar: "I don't want to say, I'm embarrassed, I'm old."
Me: "Oh, shut up you look great!"
The Cougar (obviously trying to lie but to drunk to do so): "19...80...uh....70....1964!!!!!"
Me: "OH SHIT!!!!" (I chug my beer and run away)
Of course I shared my information with my comrades. They all died of laughter. All of the sudden Venus gets a funny look on her face and says "SHE IS THE SAME AGE AS MY MOM!"
Thing One has decided that he MUST figure out this woman. I give him my blessing and send him over to chat her up. They are talking for quite some time and I look up and they have begun to dance.
Now, I saw Thing One dance earlier in the night and he was a great dancer. As soon as he starts dancing with this woman he busts out some PHENOMENAL moves. I'm talking clog dancing, crazy kick moves, and even a little lasso action. Venus, Thing Two and I sit on the couch giggling endlessly. At one point the following series of events were born:
1. Venus laughs at The Cougar.
2. The Cougar locks eyes with Venus and says "STOP LAUGHING AT ME BITCH!" with the force of Nouns calling dibs.
3. Thing one senses something is amiss. To remedy the situation he reels back as hard as he can and slaps The Cougar's ass.
4. The Cougar is so thrilled by said ass slapping that she forgets that Venus exits and instead topples to the floor in a drunken heap.
Later in the night Thing Two tries to convince Venus that in a fight Venus could take The Cougar. Venus' both comical and true line of response"
Venus: "No way. She is packing 43 years of pain behind that punch."
Thing One invites me back to his place after I inadvertently say "cheap champagne is sex" which is misinterpreted as "this hoe wants to have sex with you." Nothing monumental happened, but there was an exchange of numbers, so we shall see my friends. I spent the remainder of the next day napping in my dad's pool because, after all, it was father's day.
More posting to come soon on the topics of the responsibility of being the Paris Hilton of the Auto Auction, Boot Camp Blunders, and so much more.
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