Uplifting Life Lesson

I thought I'd document my favorite excerpts from a g-chat with "These Shoulders Don't Lie" and myself today. We live sad lives of not-so-quiet desperation. Just take a look below:

tsdl: i wish i had some crackers

Sent at 11:47 AM on Monday

tsdl: yall dont have an extra flask do you?

Sent at 11:56 AM on Monday

tsdl: why didnt anyone tell me i looked like an oompa loompa on Thursday?

Sent at 12:06 PM on Monday

tsdl: sucks to be nina garcia

Sent at 2:27 PM on Monday

tsdl: i would sue perez if i could

how does someone saying ""We are thrilled to confirm their engagement and congratulate this happy couple. Beyond that there is nothing to say."

"confirm a pregnancy"

Sent at 2:33 PM on Monday

tsdl: i hope we see carrot top this weekend in Vegas!!!

Sent at 2:46 PM on Monday

Most of these "thoughts" went unanswered. Part because I was busy or at lunch and part because well....what do you say to "I wish I had some crackers?"

But no worries. I'm not bashing my friend...because I'm the real psycho. In a fit of rage I bombarded her with the following:

me: GAHHHHHHHHHHHH
this has been THE MOST FRUSTRATING DAY

#1 on my shit list: a tie -- between my mother and fedex

my mother for the usual reasons -- wont answer the phone, is very unhelpful, then calls to ask about nothing/tell me what she ate for lunch

also she started flipping out and yelling at me about driving the jetta because its not insured

tsdl: hahhaha

me: fedex - their website is a FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. i have been trying to mail a package since 10am this morningn (its 4pm)

i have received an error message...

called

gotten that problem fixed

received another error message

called

told that i need to update our credit card info

searched the entire FUCKING SITE

THERE IS NO PLACE TO UPDATE YOUR CREDIT CARD INFO

IF THE POST OFFICE SUCKED JUST A LITTLE LESS FEDEX WOULD HAVE TO GO OUT OF BUSINESS

so thats my new motto for usps...suck a little less

ill tell the guy that next time i wait in line for 30 minutes just to get some fucking letter that a university sent to us by certified mail

WHICH I HAD TO DO TODAY

Lesson for the kids: Stay in school or your life could look like this.

Oh wait, we went to college and our lives still look like this...

New lesson for the kids: No matter what you do with your life, stupid people (ex. - Karen, people who work in shipping) will drive you to drink.

Overheard in My Office

There is this charming girl I work with, we will call her Karen, because Karen is always a bag of douche. Karen is frequently saying the most inappropriate shit ever so I think the only thing that could make it better would be to blog about it. A few of todays gems were:

"Maybe if you are nice I won't have to punch you in the uterus."


"Do grasshoppers have vages?"


These comments were shortly followed by "I need a beer" straight from my mouth to God's ears. Happy hour time kiddos.

Style Icon: Aubrey O'Day

Not only is Aubrey O'Day a style icon, she is a LIFESTYLE icon. Bitch always looks like she hasn't slept in about a week and just applied her eye makeup with a pressure washer. I can't really say anything bad about her in this picture though because my 4 year old niece designed that dress on her Barbie computer game and my legally blind friend sewed it one handed with her eyes closed and Aubrey was kind enough to wear it in public. She really is first and foremost a sweetheart. Well, actually, she is a lush first and foremost and a sweetheart second and THAT is why Aubrey O'Day is my style icon.

Asshat of the Week

And the asshat of the week is..... dudes who are oblivious. There is a HUGE difference between a girl being nice to you and a girl being into you. One way to tell a girl is not in to you is if you bring her home with you and when in the living room she chooses the chair. This does not mean you should try to sit in the chair with her, it means you should sit your strange ass on the couch and admit defeat. It's alot like when I say "I don't like dancing" it really means "I don't like dancing with you". Please do us all a favor and read these signs. I'm a red blooded woman, when I want to make out with you, YOU'LL KNOW (mainly because I'll club you, drag you back to my lair, and have my way with you). While we're on the topic of mixed signals, when I say "I don't like assholes" I'm serious, I don't like them. I FUCKING LOVE THEM. That being said, stop kissing my ass, it's awkward.

Maybe I need to be more direct and hand out my business card. I can think of at least 20 people who need that. For starters:
-the bartender who thinks a vodka soda is the same thing as a vodka sprite
-the cab driver who doesn't know the streets in the city he works in
-my roommate who has a job and wakes me up before noon
-waiters who make jokes about putting the calories on the side (this douche can usually be found at your neighborhood Chili's)

"I'd tap that."

Inspired by Michael K's famed "Hot Slut of the Week."

Ryan Scott from Top Chef.

My Life and Why I Drink So Much

Last Weekend's Highlights:

The Facts:I woke up on Friday morning feeling like death and I promptly called in sick to work for the first time in my entire life.
The Irony: My boss still accused me of just playing hooky on Monday morning.

The Facts: I managed to stay in on Friday night and even avoided boozing.
The Irony: I was so deep into a DaQuil haze that I passed out anyway.

The Facts: I drove to Dallas to apartment hunt, man hunt, and talk business.
The Irony: I didn't sign a lease, and the only man who actually wanted to talk to me was more intoxicated than I (that is saying A LOT) and nicknamed "Mellow" (I can't make this shit up). All of this occurred by 11:45.

The Facts: On Sunday I drove to my hometown where I attended a church and found out exactly what Hell is going to be like.
The Irony: Hell is a lot like attending a wedding shower with your mother.

The Facts: I drove home to Austin for approximately the 94,857,348,920,420,545,677th time.
The Irony: My mother called just to check and see if I had my headlights on.

The Facts: This is the first weekend in at least a month that I don't have to go out of town or have house guests which I was planning to celebrate by going downtown at my leisure, drinking beers by my pool at my leisure, and walking around my house buck naked just because I can at my leisure.
The Irony: My aunt just IM'd me to let me know that she is coming to Austin this weekend and might need to stay with me.

The Final Straw? SHE MIGHT BE BRINGING MY MOTHER WITH HER.

There is really only one thing I can do at this point. Dollar beer night, I'm bringing a $20 and I'm not sharing.

WTF??!!??!!

There are........


No words.