Just When I Think Life is Really Bleak, I Get to LMFAO at Work

Today has been pretty bad. Karen has been gone for quite a bit of the day, which would normally be a good thing, but unfortunately, Karen either didn't know or didn't care to press the "do not disturb" button on the phone. So its been ringing non-stop. When she gets back she listens to her voicemails, interjecting obscene comments like

"I have no idea what this douche bag is talking about, I don't know how to do my job."

and

"You actually expect me to work, HA!"

Did I mention that Karen is EXTREMELY loud? She shares an office with me and two other people and insists on yelling into the phone at all times. Often using the words "dear" and "thanks much" both of which are slowly draining my will to live. Then she sat around and yelled and laughed at people on the phone for awhile longer before leaving at 4:00. I will be here until 6:00.

On other fronts:

- I spent about half of my day contacting 113 websites such as "stupidfartvideos.com" and "frenchmaidtv.com." All of which could have been done by a trained chimp. And I'm not talking one of those chimps who knows sign language, just a standard chimp who knows how to push buttons.

-I went to the doctor yesterday against my will and what did she have to say? Allergies. What did she have to prescribe? An over-the-counter allergy medicine. I might as well have just lit $50 on fire and waved it in the air until it burnt my hand. Would have been a more pleasurable experience.

- I normally spend a good portion of my day chatting with NounsAboutMe and Venus Fly Slap, but Nouns is being Nordstrom's bitch today and Venus is being held hostage by a group project, so instead I just set my away message to "Waiting for Booze O'Clock" and plodded on.

All of this adds up to a pretty shitty day if you ask me, UNTIL... in my regular blog route (Start with dlisted.com, head over to Perezhilton.com, check out the superficial.com then swing by geekologie.com and iwatchstuff.com) I stumbled upon this gem.



BAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHA!

This kid got himself stuck in the claw machine because he wanted a SpongeBob toy! What an idiot! Who are these kids parents? Mr. & Mrs. Dumbshit?


Oh life, sometimes you beat me down just so I remember to appreciate the simple things.

Style Icon: Hot Tranny Mess

In honor of our trip to the "Tranniest Town in the World," I've decided to feature the Hot Tranny Mess as the style icon this week. I mean, OK, so you are a man, who likes to dress like a woman - fair enough. But why stop there? Why not dress like the whoreiest whore of a woman you can? Pounds of makeup to cover that 5 o'clock shadow, a few waterbaloons filled with pudding, and more bling than Fiddy Cent. Now THATS how you do Hot Tranny Mess. I can only imagine the years of trying on your mommy's clothes in secret that led up to this event. If nothing else, they put in more effort than a non-tranny mess and THAT is why a Hot Tranny Mess is a style icon for all.

Update: We saw a tranny at In-and-Out (and no, the irony is not lost on me) but I FOR ONCE didn't have a camera. Plus he/she was VERY tall and could have beat me to a pulp.

Open letter to American Idol

Dear American Idol,
I am over Brooke White's lame ass. Strap her to a couch and make her ass watch a rated R movie and while she's defenseless, wipe that shit-eating grin off her face. Also, go ahead and kick David Archuwhatever off. He's squinty and weird and kind of scares me. I don't think that's idol-ish. After you get rid of those two clowns, bring back Micheal Johns. Lord knows I need MJ around for some eye candy because everyone else (except Dreds who I'm on the fence about) has a face only a mother could love.
In short, trim the fat, keep the hottness.
Warm wishes and V-Neck Sweaters (for Simon of course),
NounsAboutMe

"I'd tap that."

I know that this is really obvious, but with the return of The Office it had to be done. Plus I hear his new movie is pretty lame so I thought we would throw him a bone.

John Krasinski

Asshat of the Week

Debbie Downer

Every one has that one friend who is always shitting all over everything in their life, I happen to have 2 (because God has a sense of humor). This is for the douche nozzle who is always treating you like they treat their 4 year old, telling you that drinking a 5th of vodka on a wednesday is "inappropriate" for a college graduate, or reminding you how many calories are in a beer when you're halfway through your second pitcher of Coors. The best way to combat the "Debbie" in your life?

1. Stare blankly when they speak, eventually they will catch on that you don't give a shit.

2. Finish that pitcher of Coors, and order a third

3. Remember Debbie sucks at life and has no fun, and you suck at life and have a little fun, and a large drinking problem (simple math says you win)

4. NO ONE likes Debbie, and at least people pretend to like you because when you drink enough you start buying other people EVERYTHING and making out with anyone in a 10 foot radius.

This hurts me.

See http://popsugar.com/1552573 for accompanying article. Ughhhh....I HATE tatoos. The fantasy is OVER.

Reasons Why I Love My Sister-In-Law

I guess I need to give a little backstory here for people to understand. My brother (here referred to as "The Asshole") is an asshole. In addition, he is a pathalogical liar. So one day I get this phone call:

The Asshole: Hey I got married today
Me: Shut up asshole
The Asshole: No seriously, I got married today. Her name is [Way Too Good For My Asshole Bother]. Call The Geek (my other brother) and ask him. I really got married.

He had only been dating this girl for a couple of months and I had no reason to believe he was telling me the truth. The conversation went on like that for about 15 minutes at which point I hung up on him and called not only The Geek, but also my Dad. The Asshole didn't want to tell my mom (Crazylady) for fear of an exorcism. Anyway.... as it turns out [Way Too Good For My Asshole Brother] ended up being WAY cooler than anticipated and way too good for my asshole brother.

Today she sends me this email:

"Hi everyone! I can't believe it, but it's finally here! [The Ginger] (my niece) is turning one! Wow! It has gone by so fast! We are going to have a small family get-together this Sunday at 2pm at our house. [The Ginger] would be so happy if you came and helped her celebrate her first birthday! Hope to see you there!"

Normally the words "family" and "Sunday" make me naseous because I associate both with needing to be being REALLY drunk or being REALLY hung over. But, as I said, [Way Too Good For My Asshole Brother] is really cool and I would love to go hang out with her. Unfortunately (or fortunately really) I will be in Las Vegas with the other drunks that write this blog. So I replied:

"Wish I could be there! I'll be in vegas, and probably drunk at that exact moment. But give [The Ginger] a big birthday hug and kiss for me! Take lots of cake pictures... those are always the funniest!"

Now at this point, my other sister-in-law's (we'll call her the Drama Teacher) reaction would be to somehow backhandedly call me a lush (which I am) and tell me I have poor hygine (which I sometimes do). Then she would try to make me feel extremely guilty. The Crazylady would have just dropped to her knees on the spot and had a little chat with the big guy upstairs about my sinful ways. What does [Way Too Good For My Asshole Brother] have to say?

"Wow, that's so not fair! Drink one for me and try to win some money if your sober enough to find the craps table! I'll send you some pics!"

Case in point.