Drop the Hint

So I had my date with Bed Maker.

He called me yesterday to set it up. He suggested putt-putt. I said, "of course, I used to play golf in high school, so I am a fan".

"I know you told me the other night." (oops, just because I don't remember anything from that night doesn't mean other people, especially sober people, don't)

"How does the Peter Pan one sound?"

"That's fine with me, I like it because its BYOB."

SILENCE (Forgot he doesn't drink...I feel like an alcoholic)

"...its fun for other reasons that that though" is how I try to save myself.

For some reason this kid still wants to take me out on a date.

I meet him at his apartment and he drives us to putt-putt.

We got along really well. Good conversation, friendly competition. He beat me..but whatever. You can't beat a guy on the first date, sets the wrong tone. I don't want to date a wuss who loses to girls. Finish with Peter Pan and go to dinner at Wahoos.

Wahoos totally fits Bed Maker. He's from California, he's into extreme sports and wears DC shoes (not all the time though, thank God). The food at Wahoos is really good, they have amazing fish tacos. Anyway.. I needed to figure out how I was going to get some booze with sober date over here.

On the ride to Wahoos:
"Wahoos has great food, good choice. You know whats also good there are their margaritas."
"Yeah, all their stuff is really good."

Ordering at the counter:
"And can I get you both anything to drink?"
"I'll just have a soda, but did you want that margarita?"
"Margarita, rocks, salt!"
SUCCESS

At dinner he talks about his crazy family. His grandfather owns a water park out in east Texas. He's a big religious guy so the water park is a Chirstian water park (I have no idea what makes a water park Christian, but I didn't ask) and its called Water Kingdom. Like God's Kingdom. Then Bed Maker tells me that he wished his grandfather had picked the name he suggested, which was Sprays the Lord. Hilarous. I would have gone to that water park for sure.

Head back to his place after dinner to change. (I wasn't going to putt-putt in a dress.) So I change and Bed Maker I guess realizes I'm dressed up a lot more than he was planning. He goes and stands in his closet to refigure the clothes situation. He picks a button down and nice shoes. Later when we get over to his friend's house the guys all whistle and ask what the occasion is. He blushes. I guess he never wears more than a t-shirt down town. So funny. He looked good though.

The rest of the night was crazy drunken debauchery down town with sober date. I came to the realization that its actually a benefit to date someone who doesn't drink. They get to pick up the pieces once I'm too drunk to do it myself. He's a steady hand as a photographer. Safe ride home. Arm to hold when stumbling down 6th at 2 am. And we all know I could use that.

I don't think this is going anywhere with Bed Maker. Mainly because I am moving to Dallas in a month. But its nice to have a boy to play with and pay for things.

Today's Show is Sponsored By, The Number 7

So, today is the first of the month. In my world that means I have to do a lot of extra reporting that is really important and that I will probably mess up. Assuming that my day is getting a grade out of 100%, this automatically drops it to about a (70). I set my alarm for 7am because my jeans are getting curiously tight and I wanted to go to the gym.

I hit the snooze button for an hour and 20 minutes. (64)

I shower and eat some oatmeal and head to work. (67)

When I get there, one of my co-workers is having an annoyingly loud phone conversation and keeps saying things like "I don't think she will be surprised" and "I bought it, I just hope she likes it" and "No, I will probably do it the second day."(52) I can only deduce that he is proposing to his girlfriend of 2 years. Then he says something truly funny:

"I mean, its like, nothing is really going to change after two years." (73 - because I like to laugh)

Oh really? We should have a chat. Everyone else in my office gradually catches on to what he is talking about when he says "She doesn't like the solitaire kind so I got the kind that has two little diamonds on each side of the big one." Thank God I don't work at a detective agency (actually that would be freaking AMAZING. I look good in plaid and I'd get to say things like "By George" in a British accent.). The girls I work with get all giddy. Fantastic. (48)

I leave to get coffee from the kitchen (things are looking up - 52) . The coffee tastes like someone made it with their feet (37) .

I start to hear something annoying and I know I've heard this noise before, but I just can't place it (32) . I go to get more foot coffee and I see it--a child (15) . My boss has brought his youngest in to work. Normally I would be kind of annoyed, but this kid is a riot (36) . He just keeps yelling things like "No Dad... CUBA! (44) " and "SPIDERMAN COULD TOO BEAT BATMAN." (51)

Venus asks me how old the kid is and I say, I don't know 5, 6 maybe (he later tried to lie to me and tell me he was 5 when he was in fact 4. Lesson learned: Children are not to be trusted). She thinks this is hilarious and suggests that my answer should have been "kid aged". Sorry, I am really bad with kids. I forget everything about them except that they are sticky, think it is funny to touch my hair and jewelry, and vomit way more than necessary. A shudder just ran down my spine thinking about it. (46)

I somehow manage to finish all of my reporting by 1:00 (68) with no major problems (73) and have a few minutes to read blogs (82 - blogs make me REALLY happy). I am about to take an hour for lunch (94) where I will watch some Gilmore Girls (98) but the thought of how bored I am going to be when I get back is floating around inside my head (92) .

Done and Done

Well, I am pretty drunk from my engineering happy hour. We had our final class today, and as I posted earlier our senior design project was due yesterday. So now I am done with that!

Our professor set up a free happy hour for us at the posse. OK, so you're like happy hour...that's cool, whatever. No, this was free free. Like as many pitchers as we wanted free.

I was bored with all of the engineering boys. Obviously. So I had Venus come and have a drink (no engineering dude is going to object to giving more girls free drinks) so we could talk about Bahama. She discussed the status of their situation. I'm kind of in the same boat with Bed Maker. We like to plan our evenings ahead of time. So a notification of a date would be preferred before the day of.

Then she showed me the bruises...oh my lord the bruises. She may have been drunk when "the biter" attacked, haha. But they had to have hurt. They covered her upper arm.

Then I left Venus to go to the bathroom. While I was there, one of my engineering "buddies", who I left Venus to talk to, tells her "Name and I would have dated if the timing had been right". HAHAHAHA No way. Never ever. I can't even explain him, but we're going to name him Tae Kwan Do, if that gives you any sort of picture. Nice guy, but seriously no way.

Now I am home, about to get ready to go experience the glow in the dark tour! We shall see.

Hott Dad update: Texted back and forth about some kickball stuff the night after I played with him and Hott Dad baby, but I was short with him because I had so much to do. Nothing since...oops. Looks like he is sensitive.

Bed Maker update: Nothing since he dropped me off at my rain soaked car and laughed at me. I'm hoping he calls tomorrow, otherwise I am going to have to explain how he is a computer science nerd and I am way too good for him. But for now, he made me pancakes and I really want to go out on a date with him..

An update on all the crap I had to do: DONE! I cranked it out today and yesterday and am completely done. I knew if I wanted to drink today/tonight I would need to get everything done ahead of time. Crazy what the motivation of alcohol will cause one to do.

Who needs an A?

I have been slacking to the extreme.

I called into work and took off all of last week. I just called my boss on her cell to tell her I can't come in tomorrow. Glad I got her message machine for that call... Too bad I am amazing and they love me. I come and only work two days a week and I don't have a specific start or end time and I wear gym clothes, and I have usually just worked out. The real world is going to kick my ass.

I have a test tomorrow at 8 am, that I have barely brushed the surface on reading for.

My SENIOR DESIGN PROJECT (for which I am the team leader) is due tomorrow at Noon, and I peaced out on my team today to go give another lesson. Hott Dad showed up at the end of my lesson with the Hott Dad baby to work on her pitching. I stopped by after my lesson to visit (flirt shamelessly) and give Hott Dad baby some pitching tips. Just FYI I would be an amazing stepmom...ha.

I have another test at 9:30 am Wednesday and still have not read 6 of the 9 chapters.

I have a research paper due Thursday at 8 am and I have not written a single word to fill up the 8 pages required.

And with all of this, what do I decide to do? Blog. You can all see where my head is at. Basically I can not wait for Thursday at 8 am.

I mean come on, who needs an A? Screw that, who needs a B? All I need to do is pass. I already have a job and they love me for my drunk self. As was shown when they threw a happy hour together for Noun's and my visit to Dallas.

Some of the Contents of my Purse Today

1. Wallet, devoid of any money, and with two sad, abused credit cards hiding inside.

2. Can of soup. My car is currently non-functioning so I walked to work this morning (across a major highway) and brought my own lunch, the fact that I haven't eaten it by now means I'm probably not going to.

3. Keys to my house and car (reunited and it feels so good).

4. Several bags of Tazo Tea. It is typically about 16 degrees in our office and I make tea frequently and hold the cup in my hands until they defrost enough to type a little.

5. Two pairs of Forever 21 Sunglasses, because three would just be overkill.

6. Enough pennies to fill a sock. I would then use said sock to do some serious damage to Karen's phone. She chatted someone up for 20 minutes earlier, hung up and said "what the hell was that guy talking about."

7. And now we come to the best part - A strapless bra. I don't know why or how this got in my purse. I took it off in the back of Nouns' car because it was annoying the crap out of me, but I was digging through my purse looking for my cell phone earlier and I pulled it out and sat it on the desk.

That is exactly when my boss happened to walk in.

Can my life get any better?

No Money in tha Bank....I Need a DRANK!

Things I neglected to do last week:

-Order my cap/gown and grad announcements. This sacred event occurs in 3 weeks and likely should have been done oh....about 2 months ago.

-Pay my gas and cable bills. Not to mention I need to write LC a check for the electric and water. (LC - if you are reading this...you are a SAINT. Anyone else would have bitch-slapped the shit out of me. My turn to clean the bathroom. I deserve it.)

-My marketing homework.

-Work-out. (You're probably thinking....oh, shut up. People neglect to work out all of the time. But, those people probably don't drink 2,500 calories of booze on any given night. PLUS, I pay for a work-out class that I just chose to skip for the week. Read: Lighting money on fire.)

-Some shit for the sorority. The standards chair keeps emailing me so I guess I'm in trouble. Can't really pinpoint exactly what it is for -- I do too many bad things.

Anyway, I had probably the best sleep of my life last night. Likely because I never really slept this weekend. Passed out, sure. Slept, no. As a result I woke up this morning resolving to do better and be good this week.

Then I got to work.....

Keep in mind that I have had this job for 2 years and I have about 2 weeks left to work here. So, as you can imagine I am beyond sick of it. I have some seriously ADD tendencies and sitting in front of TWO computer screens for 7 hours straight makes me want to kick puppies. (Sorry, LC.)

I sit down at my desk and realize that I forgot to turn in my time sheet on Friday. (SHIT, FUCK, DAMN!!) I quickly fill it out and hit print. Strut my happy little ass down to the printer to find the IT guy standing there with the plug in his hand.

"Oh.....yeah....I'm working on the printers."

Great, wonderful. Nice of you to inform the people who use the printers 7,864 times a day. Superb social skills.

I go talk to the lady who does payroll. She has just finished. She will not accept my time sheet. MY LIFE IS BAD. (Guess my credit card will be getting some serious action for the next 2 weeks.)

I go back to my computer so that I can rant to Shoulders via gchat -- not connected to the internet. Apparently the IT guy has moved on from the printers to just generally fucking up my life.

Then, my "boss" starts poking her head in all of the offices. There are three of us who are college interns here. She used to be one and now works full time (Read: Power Trip). She stops in the office next to me and says, "We have some investors coming in today so you girls need to BE ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR."

I am already annoyed and she hasn't even said this to me. I am not a child and I'm pretty sure that I can figure out that if a bunch of dudes in suits that I've never seen before strut in the door (conveniently located right behind me), I should probably not yell about my weekend debauchery over the cubicle walls. Despite being wildly inappropriate downtown and via this blog, I actually have a pretty firm grasp on manners and social norms.

She stops in my office and in a whiny voice says "Name....."

I don't even turn around to look at her and before she can even go any further I just respond. "Yes, I heard."

She scampers off. Score one for me.

Needless to say, on the whole, this morning blows. One of my fellow interns is just as annoyed as I am. How to remedy the situation? Drinks at lunch. We really have no other choice.




As for the shit I didn't do last week....it can wait until tomorrow. I can't really be expected to overexert myself under this kind of stress can I? I didn't think so.





P.S. -- Some girl just came in for an interview.....WEARING JEANS AND A SWEATER. Jeez...let's talk wildly inappropriate. GET A CLUE.

She's Getting Married, I'm Getting Drunk

As stated before, I hosted my best friend from highschool's bachelorette party this weekend. Despite a rocky start (namely me being too drunk to function when they got in to town) we ended up having a really good time. A few highlights:

- I hired a female stripper to come teach us how to give lap dances. I would highly recommend this.

- After dinner, most of us were drunk, I was drunk enough for those who weren't. We decided to go to an adult store. It was my first time to go there and I was AMAZED at the number of creepy men perusing the porn section. I was even more shocked that 12 really attractive and really drunk girls stumbled in and they didn't even look up. Maybe there is some type of etiquette involved here?

- I bought a "Bachelorette Bar Challenge Game" (this is important to the plot later)

- We continue to drink and then head downtown... at 10:50. We were pretty much the only people in the first few bars that we went to. Now, The Future Mrs. W has the tolerance of, oh, Dakota Fanning so when she takes 3 shots in the first 4 minutes I start to get a little concerned. But she surprisingly held her own all night. We did have to stay up talking for at least an hour after we got home while I made her a few glasses of ice water because she couldn't close her eyes.

- I met a guy in Aquarium who's name was Kip. He told me he owned the bar, I told him I was a professional scuba diving instructor. He ate it up.

- We start playing this card game, and I am certain that there are some rules involved, but it is basically a deck of cards that say things like "find a man wearing tighty whities," "get a lap dance from a stranger," and then some cards just have shots on them. But several of the cards are really stupid and I was pissed because I spent $8 on this game. So anytime someone pulls a card that I think is stupid I say "give me that, its garbage" and throw it over my shoulder. I referred to this as "trimming the fat" the bachelorettes LOVED it. When we got home I had 2 cards left. I guess I messed with Texas last night, my apologies.

- At some point the pimp from Sapphire approaches us. I make him draw a card, it says "get a stranger to buy you a drink." I feel like it is destiny and we follow him to the bar. He was trying to get us to go to some secluded VIP area in the back but first The Future Mrs. W. spotted a Bachelor who she must have said was "SO HOT" at least 495 times. I make him pull a card. It says "get a stranger to serenade you." I look at this guy and all of his friends are wearing Top Gun shirts. I have a brilliant idea. I start screaming at all of them that they have to sing "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" to her. They all kind of shy away. I grab the card and hold it in his face and scream "YOU HAVE TO, THE CARD SAYS SO, YOU HAVE TO SING TO HER NOW, DON'T BE A VAGINA." At last they give in. Then they buy me a shot, and tell me I am awesome. I already know this.

- I came to find out later that they had a list of things to do and that was #1, which means they had clearly practiced it beforehand. Thats cute I guess, if your idea of a good time is watching Telletubbies and holding hands or something.

- We went back to that secluded VIP lounge where the girls decide to practice what we learned in our striptease class earlier. I was talking to the bartender and he was literally staring straight past me where 11 attractive girls were all humping each other with his mouth hanging open. He calls over every other male that works in the bar and they do the same. He says "if you guys keep this up, I'm going to have to buy you shots." Needless to say, we had shots.

- On our way out of Sapphire we passed Top Gun Bachelor again and he grabbed another one of the blond girls at our party and said something to the effect of "It was really fun singing to you, I hope you get married good, you know, really good." (translation: "I am drunk, and scared shitless of only having sex with one person for the rest of my life, want to bone?). This guy couldn't even remember who he had been talking to earlier. And the Future Mrs. W was wearing a sash that said Bride to Be on it. He has good friends.

Everything else was pretty typical for a bachelorette party. The Future Mrs. W got a lap dance from someone at Pure, she also met an exchange student from Argentina that she fell in love with. It was a girl. She molested my Austin friends and screamed at them that "NONE OF YOU ARE [SHOULDERS'] REAL FRIENDS I AM HER BEST FRIEND AND YOU ARE NOT" then we went home.

This morning, one of the attendees told me that anytime we pulled a shot card we gave them to strangers, and they were taking them to the bar and redeeming them like freaking drink tickets. Apparently I am a 6th Street goddess and whatever I say goes.

Currently I am recovering from being drunk for over 24 hours in a row, there are penises and half empty drinks scattered all over my apartment and I still don't have my keys. So all in all its been a successful weekend.