Pancakes

This is going to be short and sweet, mainly because I don't remember much of the rest of the night.

We made it down town. Rode in the trunk of an SUV with nouns. Real classy. Kept trying to figure out where Venus was, eventually I saw her. We were both trying to be good and not text Pierre and Little Spoon. I was weak and sent a "long time not talk" message. Got a "what u doing" back an hour later and to which I responded "drinking. I miss you". I suck.

But at some point that evening I found a man to take my mind off of Little Spoon. Its not that I really like LS, I just like male attention.

So let me tell you about the object of my affection for the evening - Bed Maker (explained later). He doesn't drink. Crazy, I know. I meet a man at a bar who doesn't drink. He may not like drinking, but he must love drunk messes (aka me) because we woke up and he made me pancakes and sausage.

As we were eating our breakfast we got into tales from the night before, because I remember nothing..NOTHING. I couldn't even tell you this kid's name. He told me of the "questions" all of the boys he took home were asking me. He couldn't give me one example other than "do you like it in the front or back" that wasn't too raunchy for breakfast banter. Good stuff.

So we finish breakfast. I go to the bathroom and when I get back to his room he is making his bed. Are you kidding me? I could not believe it. I told him I had no idea he was a bed maker.

I put my clothes back on and he drives me to my car. As we get nearer I notice my sunroof is cracked open. Fine normally, no one can steal shit out of a crack, but it rained this morning. A lot. He pulls over to let me out of the car and bed maker proceeds to get out as well just so he can see the damage and laugh at me. I love him already. We find a puddle and everything inside is damp. Gross muggy damp.

To finish things, bed maker got my number and asked me out for Thursday night. So we will see about that.

True Story

An actual series of text messages from yesterday that aptly describes the relationship I have with Venus:

TSDL: "I am such a fuck up everyone hates me here I need you and a drink" sent at 1:43 PM

VFS: "I am drunk." recieved at 2:08 PM

TSDL: "I have won them over with booze and my wit" sent at 4:27 PM

VFS: "Im wasted" recieved at 4:37 PM

Hello Vodka, Its me GP

Hello world! This is my first post and I want to thank venus, nouns and TSDL for inviting me to be a part. Now that that is out of the way..I have much to say.

Let me first tell you about Hott Dad. He is just that, a hot dad. He is 35, has an eight year old daughter, and I had a date with him last night.

I'm getting ahead of myself. I coach little girls kickball. So does Hott Dad. Our teams played eachother last week and we made a bet that whoever loses has to buy the one dinner. Obviously a clever ploy by HD to finally get to take this hot piece of ass out to dinner.

So I lost last week, don't even get me started. I hate hate hate to lose. You will learn this about me, I am the most competitive person ever....EVER. That may be why I drink so much, I don't want to be the one to stop first.

Because I lost I had to buy dinner.

So Hott Dad picks me up in his dad car (Toyota) and as soon as I get in he reaches to the backseat for something. I'm thinking....flowers? This is a date. No. Not flowers. Its a six pack of mini coors. Mini like the 8 oz little cokes kids have these days. WTF? So I say whatever and throw one back that gets to play in my tummy with the margarita I made for myself at the house before HD picked me up. Obviously.

Finish the beer very quickly..it was mini. Why would anyone want less beer? Tall boys I understand. This mini stuff..not so much. Anyway, drove to dinner and there was a wait. So we got more drinks. Mexican martini for me, marg rocks no salt for him.

He's a good conversationalist. I'll give him that. He was witty and he fought back. If you want to win my heart all you have to do is fight with me. I am sarcastic and cutting, don't take it personally dish it back. You'll be so much more of a man for it. And Hott Dad is a man who could dish it back.

We get our table and order Bob Armstrong dip. You have to at Matt's. This stuff is good. Its Queso on steriods. Cycle 10 maybe? Anyway, we couldn't decide what to order. Then HD comes up with the genius idea to get two things and split them. So we each get different tacos and trade one each when they come. We are the cutest couple already..

Forgot to include the drinks at dinner. Marg rocks salf for me, Coors and a sweet tea for HD. I mean I get sweet tea and vodka, right nouns? But coors? Come on HD I thought you were cooler than that.

Up until this point I hadn't really been paying attention to others around me. I couldn't keep my eyes off HD. I mean he is really hot. But once I look around I find a gold mine..

Realtor is at the table right next to me. I have shacked with realtor, gone home from my best guy friend's sister's wedding with realtor's brother, dated realtor's cousin in law and plan on marrying realtor's cousin - who noun's gotten together with if you get my drift. Basically I own the men of that family.

So we finish dinner and I tell HD I need to say hi to my "friend". So HD goes off and waits by the front door like a good little boy while I talk to realtor. I say hi, how are you..all the akward rando stuff. Find out he is coming to my graduation party in two weeks. Oops. I guess it never crossed my mind that when I throw a joint graduation party with realtor's cousin, realtor might also be there. So lets all look forward to that.

Well HD drives me home and I look at the clock kinda pissed that its 9:30. He was starting to cut into my drinking time. I was almost thinking about cracking open another Coors. But 8 oz is not worth my effort. We talk about our weeks, figuring out when we will see eachother again. I have a lesson on Monday (I get paid to give private kickball lessons - I rule) and HD said he would come by and visit. Read he loves me. We play eachother again in two weeks so we've made the same bet but different place. Don't know where yet.

Completely new part of the evening with a completely different vibe:

Take off the cami I have under my dress to keep what cleavage I have tamed so as not to distract HD and head to Noun's for more drinking of course. Throw a beer in my passenger seat and I'm off.

Park in BFE and walk to Noun's. Luckily I have my beer to keep me occupied on the walk. Get to Nouns. We are sitting around waiting for our ride downtown and I'm bored so I make myself another drink. Pour the rando rum in the can and add a splash of diet pepsi and we're good to go.

Break time. The rest of my night, which is on the level of HD date, but with more booze, to come shortly.

I Love Guns.

I can't believe that this hasn't been addressed yet, but let it be known that I am an NRA-lovin, gun-toteing hardcore conservative Republican.

In any case, despite that fact, I'm not really that political.....I just love being extreme, and I agree with everything W does (Duh).  

One night.....many weeks ago, I got drunk (surprise, surprise).  Anywho, I found my finance-class friend (he was in MY bar....yes, MY BAR) and we started talking politics (something I NEVER do....EVERRRR).  Something else you don't know about me.....I was born in Canada.  So naturally, I think Obama is a straight up foolio.  Why you say??  Lets just talk...nationalized healthcare.  Anyone who thinks THAT is a good idea has no idea what they are talking about.  My grandparents pay out the ass to fly to the U.S. to get quality healthcare.  RIDIC.  So back to the point.....My FCF is a bleeding heart liberal.  I start talking "outta my neck" at MY BAR.  We get on the topic of politics and I tell him this:

"Look.....as much as presidential candidates talk about social issues like gay rights and abortion and what not....that is BULLSHIT.  No one actually does a damn thing about that once in office.  It's all about the economics (I'm a finance minor.  Read:  Genius.)"

So, I continue to (very drunkenly) elaborate on the nationalized healthcare issues and taxes (which I hate) and what not.  (I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT AT THIS POINT).  I don't know where the convo goes after that.....my bartender at MY BAR gives me shots and all goes south.  

But, here's the point (or the climax as Shoulders would say).  I actually went to class on Tuesday and in all seriousness FCF says to me....

"I have been thinking a lot about what you said the other night.  You need to tell me more about nationalized healthcare.  Now that I think about what you said more I am really thinking about voting for McCain."

I'm drunk so I don't really know how to finish this post ($5 bottomless mimosas).  But, here's what I'm trying to convey via this post......

I AM THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE WORLD.   (Anyone who disagrees is obvi W-R-O-N-G.)

I am ALWAYS right.   

I LOVE MY LIFE.  

Fin.  

Satan in a Squirrel Suit

As I write this, I am STILL drunk, curled up in Lyrical Cabbage's bed giggling like a school girl.

Any ladies out there excluding the people who now write for this blog should know this about me.

You do not want me in your wedding. I am just going to get drunk and fuck shit up.

PROMISE.

Case in point. Tonight I am hosting my best friend from highschool's bachelorette party at my apartment and in my city. All of the guests drove over 2 hours to get there. And what did I decide to do last night? Drink a fifth of vodka and be a belligerent mess.

I get a call from Venus at about 5:45. I got off work at 5:30. She says something to the effect of "blah blah blah, I need booze, blah blah." So I shower and drive to her house. While in transit, I get call from Nouns that goes a little something like this "blah blah blah, I'm already drunk, blah blah, case of beer, blah blah." You can see where I'm going with this.

Venus and I go to Nouns' apartment and get housed on some weird leftover vodka (at one point we had some Raspberry Absolute that we put in a blender with raspberry sorbet and made "vodka smoothie shots"). The Guinea Pig (who is now a writer for this blessed piece of non-fiction) is there, in full force and is texting lil' spoon.

We get downtown and head to our regular haunt where none of us get carded because we live there. Venus is DONE. I was drinking her drinks on the sly, but I don't think she would have noticed.

The typical debauchery ensues. I crash at Nouns' house and I DO mean crash. I woke up this morning, still drunk (there were jello shots involved). Nouns drives me to LC and Venus' house. I pull out my phone to call LC and it dies. Don't worry, it gets worse.

I sit on the front porch giggling and thinking I am screwed. At this point I am CERTAIN that my keys are in Venus & LC's house. Make note of that, it's important to the story line. The whole time, I'm thinking my best friend is already in Austin, waiting on me, and I have no way to contact her - In short, I am going to hell. About this time a squirrel arrives. This squirrel belongs to the devil. I am certain.

This squirrel wants me to die. He is holding a big fat nut and he drops it. The squirrel KNOWS that this is somehow my fault. He stares at me unwaveringly and hates every ounce of my being. It was a serious confrontation.

Me: "Ahh, go away squirrel"

Squirrel continues giving me the evil eye

Me: "Seriously, I did nothing"

Squirrel continues giving me the evil eye

Me: "Ok, you win, I'm going across the street."

So I sit across the street for a bit and decide that I am going to walk back to Nouns house and beg her roommate to drive me home. I have no key to my house.

I stumble to a stoplight at 11 AM and stand there. I might have been swaying a little (thanks, Jello shot). I look to the right and I see LC's car pull in. Yahtzee! I am saved. I run through their house and frantically search for my purse with my keys in it. Its a no go. So it dawns on me: My purse isn't at their house at all, I left it at Nouns apartment. LC is kind enough to drive me there and I scamper upstairs to find the door locked. BAD THINGS.

I could carry this story on, but here is the point. My keys are in the back of Nouns car while she toils away at Nordie. My friends are in town, driving around aimlessly because I have no keys.

I once gave a spare to Venus. She told me she lost it the other day. I call her on LC's phone and she says "What do you want, I am getting drunk." She has no time for me. Finally she agrees to "chug another mimosa" and meet me with my key. I haven't cleaned my apartment, I haven't planned anything. I am a bad friend.

Lyrical Cabbage just gave me a beer. All is right with the world.

How Sin City Confirmed I Have No Soul: Part 2

At this point, I should mention that I went downtown last night and poured various types and amounts of alcohol down my throat, so that pesky little thing we like to call "sobriety" is no longer a problem for me. However, I promised to relay my second favorite moment of our trip and so I shall!

ACT I

Setting: Tao Beach

A group of men from various parts of the country are having the "crunkest" time ever. Little do they know what awaits them.

ACT II

Setting: The hottest cabana at Bare where the Vodka is flowing like... well... free Vodka.

Several drinks are had, millions of pictures are taken, and the most stellar updo I have ever seen emerges. Good times were had by all. Little do we know what awaits us.

ACT III

Setting: The dance floor at Moon

A dear personal friend who will be referred to as "Guinea Pig" from here on out and I return from getting drinks to observe the scene. There is a big dance floor lined with tables and I see the tallest man I have ever seen in my life wearing a Vineyard Vines shirt. I immediately know that these are our people. GP and I stand around for awhile when we are joined by the rest of the group. The rest of the group positions themselves right next to these guys in a way that can only confirm... these are our people. I leave for the ladies room, and when I come back Venus grabs me.

VFS: "WE MET THESE GUYS, THEY WANT TO TAKE US TO BODY ENGLISH, THEY KNOW SOMEONE FAMOUS"

TSDL: "Okay"

(I don't do well with peer pressure)

She drags me over and I immediately realize, everyone is already buddied up. So I do the only logical thing, throw my straw over my shoulder and pour my drink straight down my throat. If there had been a faster way to get it in my system I would have done it. I always say, if you can't beat 'em... get hammered.

About this time, Venus starts to look a little like Amy Winehouse.... I'm beginning to think something is wrong. Then she does something ELSE I have never seen her do before and orders a WATER from the bar. Now I KNOW something is VERY wrong. We later found out she had food poisoning which is evidently nothing like mint poisoning.

I think it is important at this moment to give you a full picture of just who "Our People" are:

The Little Spoon: This guy has got to be at least 8 feet tall, sweating all over the place and bouncing around like a 12 year old watching his favorite Barney video - in a word, precious. And the only other thing I know about him is that his friends immediately told me "he has never had a girlfriend." Clearly, GP was all over that. His nickname is derived from the fact that later in the night he made GP be the big spoon HE WAS 8 FEET TALL.

Pierre: Pierre was VERY attractive, and also a douche. A combination often found in nature. Pierre's friends just kept asking him "why did you do your hair like that?" Spawning the catch phrase "Pierre's Hair." Venus was originally on top of that shit until food poisoning made her its bitch and she had to go home.

The Suckiest Guy I've EVER Met: This guy was definitively the suckiest guy I have ever met.

He was in Vegas, not drinking, standing around and pouting. I stumbled over and said "Do you ever have a good time" his answer was quite predictably "No."

Then for good measure throw in a guido and some guy in a blazer.

This brings us to the climax. (I love when that happens)

There is one of "Our People" I have yet to describe. I call him Dibbs, some call him Pooh Bear. Dibbs was a really nice guy, fun to talk to (although in all fairness when the Vodka kicks in there are very few people I don't enjoy talking to), and bought me 2 drinks so he is automatically okay in my book. However, he was rather unfortunate looking. If I had to describe him physically in 10 words all 10 would be "bug-eyed." As I mentioned before, everyone was paired up and I was disinterested in any of them because my date for the evening (booze) was treating me well.

We decide to take a limo to Body English - I'm taking pictures all over the place in the limo and generally having a good time. I lean in for a picture with Dibbs then lean over to take a picture with NounsAboutMe when it happens.

Nouns grabs my arm with surprising force and a look in her eyes that says "I kill puppies for fun in front of small children" and says:

"THAT ONE IS MINE, DON'T EVEN FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT"

Did I mention this guy looks like a goldfish? Oh Vodka, the silly things you make us do.

I can't really judge her though, I later stumbled up to a complete stranger and said something to the effect of "Hey you take me home now." Thus is my life.

How Sin City Confirmed I Have No Soul

I think it's probably a good idea to acknowledge at this point that we got back to Austin on Monday and I am just now sober enough to write this account of my activities in Vegas. I don't want to drone on about how great it was, I'd much rather focus on what was my favorite moment of the trip (I'll add a post about my second favorite moment later).

ACT I

Setting: Airplane

Two hour flight, three drinks that can only be referred to as "a cup of vodka." Thank you mysterious flight attendant. I love you.

ACT II

Setting: Standing outside Pure directly in front of the door, staring at the line and knowing we don't belong there.

We quickly learned that if 6 attractive young women just stand around long enough, lots of men are willing to pour copious amounts of Vodka down their throats.

ACT III

Setting: Revolution

We then headed over to Revolution where we were again pimped out to a table of guys where the BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE would shortly follow.

Now if you have been reading this blog you know that Venus Fly Slap is anything BUT your typical, sweet, southern girl. She's got a mouth like a sailor and an attitude like, well, me. Sarcastic, cynical, bitchy, etc. So needless to say, she is WAY too good for most of the human species and seeing her find anyone remotely worthy of her time is a rarity.

Well after 2 bottles of vodka (most of which went in my mouth), she takes a liking to one of the gentlemen at the table. (I had to be told all of this later because I was too busy sucking the face off of someone at the table - classy, I know). Venus is in LOVE. I have 2 favorite moments in this instance:

SCENE I

Setting: Table in Revolution

VFS: "So what do you do?"

(keep in mind that they all worked in bonds)

Love of Venus: "I'm a writer"

Skinny Drew Carey: "It's true, he is."

VFS: "Oh, really (eyes shining, heart melting), what do you write about?"

Love of Venus: "Billiards"

And she ate that shit up. Loved every minute of it.

SCENE II

Setting: Cab line

As we stumble out of Revolution, I am engrossed in a "conversation" (read: tongue wrestling competition) with my new friend and I look up for a moment and stop DEAD IN MY TRACKS. I am fairly certain that my new friend fully believed that I was either having a coronary or going to throw up (both safe assumptions considering my BAC at that very moment). Why was I in cardiac arrest one might ask? VENUS FLY SLAP IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITH HER ARM AROUND THIS GUY.

Tonsil Hockey Player: "Are you OK?"

TSDL: "Huh? Are you seeing this?"

THP: "Yeah, and?"

TSDL: "NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND"

THP: "What are you talking about?"

TSDL: "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND"

(more kissing)

I have NEVER in all my 22 years seen anything like it. So we get in a cab, head home, I am still in shock. Go upstairs, change into pajamas. I come out of the bathroom and Venus' new love is on the phone.

Love of Venus" "What? Wait? Where are you guys? Yeah I'm leaving. Why? Well I wanted to make out with this girl, but she passed out. (giggling)"

I look over at the couch and lo and behold. There is Venus, sprawled out in a sorority t-shirt and some Victorias Secret pants. I was fairly certain that she was faking so I started saying ridiculous things to try and get her to giggle and give away her game. Its a no go, so I decide for once in my life to be nice.

I feed the poor sap some vodka and water (we didn't have any mixers) then kindly suggested, maybe you should get a cab somewhere else?

ACT IV

Setting: Sitting fully clothed in our hotel bathtub with Venus

The next morning while reviewing my pictures I realized I managed to snap a picture of said incident as well as plenty of other embarrassing candids. And when Venus sees the picture she FLIPS.

VFS: "YOU CANNOT PUT THAT ON FACEBOOK."

I could have showed her a picture of her giving the Pope the finger and it could have gone on Facebook, but with this one, where she looks like a decent human being she was concerned that "PEOPLE MIGHT SEE THAT!!!"

CURTAIN