Holiday Gift Giving Guilde

T-minus 3 days until Christmas. If you're anywhere near as lazy as I am (which I doubt because I'm off the charts lazy, like so lazy sometimes I wonder if my roommate can just shower for me), you have not completed your Christmas shopping, or hell even started it. I thought I'd go ahead and compile a nice little list of gifts with which you can delight your family on Christmas morning requiring little to no effort.
1. For your far less stylish niece, give her items of clothing from your closet that no are no longer useful to you (ie: they involve dry-cleaning, ironing, or they are a size 2-- get over it, you'll never be back there again)
2. For your parents, a picture. Chances are one of them took this picture and they probably already have a copy, but maybe throw in that frame your boss gave you at the gift exchange, who cares if it says "gIrLfRiEnDs" in glitter? Its the thought that counts right??
3. For your uncle, that bottle of Skol Vodka you opened last night. Unless you've really mastered torturing your liver, there is NO way you finished the whole handle (every thrifty drunk knows it's much more cost effective to buy in bulk). To cover your tracks, fill the empty portion with water.
4. For the babies in the family (God forbid you have any yourself, I know you're not responsible enough to brush your teeth every night let alone feed a baby more than once a week), I suggest knives. I know this sounds risky, but might as well get them stared cutting the limes for your vodka soda early right? What else are babies good for except servantry?
4. Grandparents. This is where things get tricky. If you cross any sort of line you could be out of the will and let me tell you, Grandpa's decanter? You're going to want that. And his money. I would just draw them a picture. Use lots of glitter and macaroni. Hopefully they will mistake it as a gift from one of the kids in the family and be so moved by the thoughtfulness, or the bourbon, that they forget you were even there.
5. If you have a real drunk in your family (the kind of drunk like you who is also reading this list) just don't get them anything. Everyone knows they would rather be drinking cocktails watching the twinkle lights on the house across the street with rapt attention yelling "HEY IS THAT A DOG OR A REINDEER??" or "Question, are you Santa, pregnant, or just fat? If you're Santa bring me some fucking whiskey!!" at passersby.

Not Really Gone

Just wanted to let everyone know that I created a new blog for myself. Here it is. If you don't like it, I don't want to hear about it.

That is all.

Ask and You Shall Receive

Everything has been going my way today. Somedays are just like that. Usually I bitch and moan on here about things that bug me. But not today!

Woke up incredibly hungover from a night out with Our Next Door Neighbor, his roommate, Canadian Guinea Pig, her hot tall friend from Canadia, One of the Vandy Boys and his two coworkers. All I wanted to do this morning was go back to sleep. And I did. So I was 45 minutes late to work. When I got in, no one was around to see me come in then. Perfection!

Still hungover, I get to my desk thinking how much I need some coffee to make it through the day. I look down and some magical Christmas fairy had placed a starbucks giftcard on my desk! My head thanks you whoever you are. I still don't know who gave it to me.

Feeling a little better I get into my email, hoping I don't have a bunch of work to do. I have three emails from my boss, and they take 5 minutes total. Piece of cake!

We had gotten an email yesterday that today during lunch the whole office was going to be decorating the Christmas tree. Cute, sure. But I wasn't really up for it. Luckily my boss who is in hearings in Chicago called and needed a bunch of stuff done, so we worked through lunch. Got me out of mingling with coworkers. Thanks!

But then because I worked through lunch I was trying to figure out what I was going to eat now. Then I overhear that one of our other bosses just ordered pizza for the whole office. My day just kept getting better. Free lunch!

Got my pizza, and was just finishing at my desk when my thought became "Man, it would be nice to have dessert...I don't really think a granola bar from the snack bowl is going to cut it." Then I hear our receptionist heading my way, and she delivers the tiff's treats that my contact at our copy place sent me. Sugar cookies with peppermint chunks. Copy man, I love you.

Work has been pretty hectic today though, one of those days that make you think "I could use a drink." Well lucky for me, our office is having a happy hour mixer with the other company on our floor at 4:15 in our lobby. So I am totally set. I just have to make sure I can drive home to get to our party tonight. But if a cab pulls up to me as I am headed to my car after work and offers me a free ride home then I will know that today really is my lucky day.

Please don't let today be my only lucky day. If I could get a lucky weekend the 13th-15th, that would be great. Thanks.

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells

The holidays are here. You know how I know? Their events have taken over my calendar.

Tonight - Dallas Bar Construction Law Section Christmas Party. Thanks Marketing Girl at my office for not telling me about it until today, especially when it starts at 5:30. Do you think I pack a party dress in my purse? But I won't be able to go anyway because I got an email from my boss saying "I am going to be working on stuff late, and I need your help on it." So no party for me.

Tomorrow night - Tree Decorating Party at The Brothel. Shoulders and I thought about stringing popcorn to hang on the tree, but then we remembered the dogs would eat it. We thought about having people make ornamnets at the party, but then realized they would all end up looking like penises because thats what our friends do (namely one Vandy Boy).

Saturday night - Bar Crawl for Venus' Birthday organized by Venus' coworker. Not particularly a holiday party, but its cold outside, and in Texas that makes me think holiday. I will be drinking festively, and thats good enough for me.

Sunday night - Office Christmas Party. Seriously Office? A Sunday? Plan on getting no work out of me on Monday. You only have yourself to blame. Newly named Tech Guy is coming with me to the party. There will be a white elephant type gift exchange. My office is pretty unconservative, but I don't know if I can go with the 6X lace thong I took to a white elephant party last year. That may rub some of the larger coworkers the wrong way. Especially if they opened that bad boy up..how ironic would that be!

Monday night - Young Republican Christmas Party with Nouns and a friend of mine, Torchness, who used to work at my aforementioned office, and is now a fancy lawyer with an office with a window and everything. The last and first event we went to with this group was their monthly happy hour. Torchness scored a cute guy, I am hoping to acheive similar results at the Christmas Party. (Isn't that usually my mission for most things I do??) But on the fourth night of parties after three nights of heavy drinking, I don't like my chances.

Friday night - Texas Exes Board Christmas Party for which I got invited to after only having been on the board two weeks. Sweet deal. I also found out that our Christmas present is a case of beer for every member! Yeah, that's how we do it at Texas. So you know I won't be missing that party.


Robin laid an egg...

A Little Trip Down Memory Lane

Here is some dumb shit I did as a child and totally forgot about until my mother was so kind as to bring it all up in front of the entire family.

-1986 I was born. On accident. This is something she'll never let me forget. Every now and then she says "I only had one child because I got it right the first time" but that is a lie. She only had one because she meant to have none and OOPS!

-1989 I put pennies in an electrical socket because my nightlight stopped working. I thought if i paid the socket it would work for me. Instead it singed my eyebrows, broke up the party my mom was attempting to have downstairs, and prompted the fire department's first visit to our house on my behalf.

-1990 Stole every goodie bag from the birthday party of a neighborhood kid I didn't like by stuffing them all in a knee brace and running. Fast. Fortunately, her parents didn't press Grand Theft charges. Unfortuantely, I didn't get to keep any of my loot.

-1992 I tried to stab my piano teacher. I know this sounds violent, but hear me out. It was with a plastic spoon and she was trying to slip me pills that would "make my fingers limber" by hiding them in a snickers bar. She threatened to press charges against my parents (I guess I drew blood when I bit her finger, my bad.)

-1993 I caught the bathroom on fire by trying to "put out the candles like they do at church" except with paper cups. Trip number 2 from the fire department.

-1994 I called my Grandma to tell on my mom for saying "Shit." This same year I also gave the cat a bath and tried to put her in the dryer.

-1995 I called my stepdad a bastard at the dinner table. In front of his parents. The first time we met them.

-1996 I refused to move off the boys baseball team. Other parents were very mean to my parents and threatened them. Apparently, I was not very good.

-1998 I put a frozen burrito in the microwave for 20 minutes instead of 2. Then I went swimming. Both things I was not allowed to do when my parents weren't home. The fire department was alerted (for the third time) and our house smelled AWFUL for about 6 months.

-1999 I quit school. I decided I was way to fucking smart for those people so I quit going. This lasted for 6 weeks until the district threatened legal action on my parents.

I have done MANY MANY more stupid things, however she quit paying attention to me when I could make my own macaroni and cheese and we moved to house where I could walk to school.

To the Gorgeous Man on the 39th Floor

I saw you two consecutive mornings last week. You are gorgeous, and both of those days were better for having shared 15 seconds in the elevator with you. I vowed that if I saw you again I would tell you that I want to make out with your face and you would instantly realize that you would like me to have your babies.
Well, coming back from lunch, there you were standing in our elevator bank. However, I was with Stand Up Sid and a recruit, and you were with 5 other coworkers. So I didn't feel that I could profess my love for you in an elevator packed with seven other men.
Hopefully, some day soon, we can ride the elevator alone. Let's hope we don't have security cameras in our elevators because I don't think I will be able to contain myself.
Here's Hoping,
Your Schoolgirl Crush on the 36th Floor

Actual Text Message From My Acutal Inbox

November 14, 2008 3:25:20 AM

Please foot forget to call of u endu of here taking granandes.

employee of the month.

this morning someone brought by a card for me to sign for a co-worker's birthday. just as i finished writing, "51 huh? you're closer to 100 than you are to birth -nouns", i spill a whole fucking nalgene of water (and $0.25 ice) on my keyboard. awesome.
for the following two hours my keyboard just keeps typing random shit... mainly one certain letter. naturally, i try to pry that key off and clean underneath it. i finally get the key off, get the keyboard to work and get back to my real job (gchatting) when i realize... I RENDERED THAT KEY USELESS.

now i have no "ecks" key. and all i want to do is say words like: ne_t, e_pendable, and fi_.

UPDATE: said coworker chose to go to chipotle for her big bday lunch. CHIPOTLE. not only is that a FAST FOOD ESTABLISHMENT, but it is IN MY BUILDING. that is where i go when i'm feeling like a lazy shit and forgot my lunch. GAAAHHH

'04 and '05 were good years

It has been a week since the last time I saw my camera. I have come to the sad conclusion that it is lost forever. I got to thinking about what bad luck I have with things of value. Here is a list of my shortcomings.

Senior Prom, lost camera - drinking

Spring Break '06, lost diamond earrings - black out drunk

Halloween '07 6th street, lost wallet - drunk

April '08 6th street, lost iPhone - drunk

May '08 river trip, water logged camera - drinking

August '08 Pineapple Express, lost wallet - drunk

August '08 Wedding, camera dropped in Margarita - drinking

October '08 Maverick's game, lost camera - drinking

Not once have I lost something valuable sober. Huh, imagine that. Whelp, its off to buy another camera. I am thinking about purchasing some BestBuy stock to make some money off the business I give them. Because I am sure I won't be able to stop my camera cycle anytime soon, mainly because I don't plan on stopping drinking anytime soon.

Current Mood

Annoyed. Is it necessary to YELL (in what you consider a "funny" accent) WHILE YOU ARE ON THE PHONE WITH SOMEONE 2 CUBICLES AWAY?!?

ps: Watch Out Friends's new name is: Tech Guy, the name I gave him when we originally met, plus hes the only Texas Tech fan in the Urban Fam so it fits.

You are welcome.

Truth in Latin

Stand Up Sid might just be good for something after all!

Our company has an outing next Friday. During the day we get to choose a round of golf or spa day. Then that night we have a cocktail hour and dinner at the House of Blues. To the later portion of the evening we get to bring a spouse/date/guest.

Mr. Wonderful was supposed to be my date...at least that was the plan. His friend bought him a plane ticket to St. Louis for the same weekend, which landed me dateless.

I am pretty good at turning a negative into a positive. I decided this would be a chance for me to take a new boy out.

I thought about bringing Ball Boy. I met him at the pool over the summer, and saw him again at the Strong Drinks Bar a few weekends back. Free booze and a good dinner, what boy would turn that down? But then I realized my choice in date reflects on me to my whole company, and I don't know how confident I am in his social behaviors.

I then turned to Stand Up Sid. He had a barbeque a few months back where I met an attractive friend of his who is up here in Dental School. I don't think I talked to him at all at the barbque; we left pretty early to go out to have dinner at Shoulders' Aunt's house. But that didn't stop me from asking SUS to see if The Dentist would come as my date to our company outing. It makes it easier too that he knows SUS so he won't feel completely out of place at the dinner.

Supposedly Dental school is really hard and they study 6 days a week. Which is so twisted. I can't imagine doing any sort of studying right now. SUS has called him to see if he would be willing to use his one night off a week on me. We are supposed to get the verdict today.

Wednesday's Morsel of Wisdom

If you avoid looking at your bank account and bills for over month, you will forget to pay rent and be over due on your car and credit card payments.

15 minutes!

Another thing I did today is google what the PJ I named my PJ after stands for.

Penelope Jane.

It isn't horrible, and at least now I have two different answer choices to give when faced with the question "What does your dog's name stand for?"

I still like "Paula Jabdul" for my answer, but it will be nice to have a back up.

36 minutes!

The day started off busy with two calls from my boss who is in Chicago with the lawyers before I had even gotten into the office. It was a little unnerving, but we got through it. It only took us about two hours to handle what he needed.


Then I found out that the other case I had been working on settled. This was a curse and a blessing. I was glad I didn't have to look at the plans more than the 13 hours I already had, but that was the only project on my agenda. So I was left with nothing to do.

Here is how I have spent my large number of unbillable hours so far today....


Checking Perez every 5-10 minutes for new posts.
Checking D-Listed every 15-20 minutes.
Playing Scrabble on Facebook with a coworker of mine who's last day is today, so after she leaves I really will be in desperate need of work.
Reading Overheardinnewyork.com (today are the Wednesday One Liners, my favorite)
Facebook stalking.
Texting HD.
Myspace stalking my half brothers.
Counting down the minutes until a Smoothie King break at 3:45. (Its Double Stamp Thursday)
Getting my work email on my iPhone - because obviously I get sooo much work email...
Figuring out when and where Drummer is playing next.
Clicking to my work email anytime anyone walks by my cube so that it looks like I am "working."

So all in a very exciting day.

Get Your Grades Up.

This weekend I made a brave trip to Lubbock, Texas with Watch Out Friends (who has put in a request for a name change that I'm still working on) and Boat Party. It was pretty much everything I expected (flat, dusty, and full of drunks, myself included).

Here are some highlights from our trip:
-Boat Party learned that there are few sins greater than chugging my only Boone's Farm Fuzzy Navel while I painstakingly make a 6 hour drive (yes, I got conned into driving)

-I did not go to sleep sober or before 4:30 AM the entire trip.

-Friday morning at breakfast, some kind gentleman gave our table $50 because Boat Party and I were wearing burnt orange.

-Halloween was a very long night that ended with Boat Party wandering around "downtown" (if you can call it that) Lubbock crying in a nurse costume with no cell phone.

-I spent all morning listening to 5 guys talk about "I did this to this slut" and "Let me describe LemmonParty.com/Goatsee.com/Meatspin.com/Two Girls One Cup in great detail" but when Boat Party asked for a band aid because she had a blister, Watch Out Friends decided that was WAY too disgusting to talk about.

-I made the mistake of introducing the Lubbock-ians to the concept of Party Butt.

-I lost a bet on the UT football game that involved me taking 5 shots of vodka. Luckily, Watch Out Friends either has a really big heart or really didn't want to put up with drunk Nouns (I'll go with the latter) and let me off with 3.

-Some dude in a bar with no affiliation with UT, Tech, or Lubbock used "How do you feel about the JFK assassination?" as a pick up line and then licked my face when I said "Nobama Nobama Nobama". We are now engaged.

-After what can only be described as 10 hours of binge drinking (God bless Daylight Savings Time), I tell Boat Party she is too drunk to drive my car, offend the living shit out of her, and hand my keys to the drunkest person in the room so that he can drive my car 90mph in a 30 while I scream "PULL OVER! STOP THE CAR!" at the top of my lungs. (I think that guy hates me now).

-Somehow even though 6 people came home with us I wake up to find it is only me and Boat Party. All of the Lubbock-ians somehow magically got home and Watch Out Friends disappeared and shacked up at some undisclosed location.

-Watch Out Friends left his esophagus somewhere in Lubbock.

-I came home with what must be Tuberculosis so I can't stop coughing and last night I had the worst NyQuil Nightmare involving the loss of my teeth, dead Urban Family members, and a lack of ketchup.

Needless to say the trip was sheer entertainment and my liver is on strike for at least a week.

False Advertising.

I sat down today to enjoy my Campbell's Select Harvest Southwestern Veggie Soup and found nothing but disappointment. While the label shows a spoon full of corn and black beans and tomatoes, my can contained about 2 corn kernels, 5 black beans and about 1,600 effing carrots.

Answers to Noun's Little Questions

1. Because people don't like to be fat alone. That person is looking for a partner in next season's biggest loser, and it looks like they are trying to make it be you.

2. He knows the client is into that sort of thing. Don't worry he's a professional.

3. The person from #1.

4. Its never inappropriate to wear a chicken costume for Halloween, some just aren't ready for you yet.

5. No.

6. Take that back. If not, maybe its because I have become a mother?

7. Because you are too easily persueded, which is why #1.

8. Because you have to get ready at 7 am, and have the largest bladder in the world so you didn't have to pee until 2 pm.

9. No, you're not a terrible person. Go ahead and take him. I think Mr. Wonderful's dog needs to go to a more appropriate owner, ie anything without a penis.

10. There is no good reason for iTunes to do that to you. Don't they realize how crappy car trips are all alone in the backseat?

11. You stumped me on that one, none of my friends have boyfriends, and that's how I like it. Jerk-face is not really an insult.

Life's Little Questions

1. Why is that when I bring a healthy feast for lunch some ill intentioned person offers me free french fries?

2. Why did someone in my office just say to a big client "let me put my hand up my butt..."?

3. Who put a candy bowl next to my desk?

4. When did it become "inappropriate" for me to wear a giant furry chicken costume for Halloween?

5. Is it 4:30 yet?

6. When did Guinea Pig get so sappy?

7. Why am I going to Lubbock this weekend instead of watching UT dominate Tech from the comfort of my bed or local bar?

8. Why did it take me until 2 pm to notice the pants I wore to work today are not only missing A button but THE button?

9. Am I a terrible person for plotting ways to steal Frankie's's (seriously, how does the punctuation on that mess work?) new fluff ball puppy? (and yes, I call "Mr. Wonderful" Frankie's and will continue to do so)

10. Is there a good reason for iTunes not offering "Stanky Legg" by G Spot Boyz? Because iReally need it on my iPod for the horrifying trip to Lubbock tonight.

11. Why do single girls always talk mad shit about their friends' boyfriends? And is jerk-face REALLY an insult?

Good morning!

This morning at 2:45 am I got a little surprise...

A drunk dial from drummer! He knows I now live in Dallas, and there was no chance I was going to drive three hours for a late night hang out. He just wanted to chat; how sweet.

When I answered, I didn't have a chance to disguise my sleepy voice to feign alertness. I got a little reality check when I realized that he is still living the fun carefree life, while I am engrossed in the corporate world. But then I remembered I am making a lot more money than an unknown drummer, so I am okay with it. Money is all that matters right?

Good thing Mr. Wonderful didn't stay over last night, and instead went home after everyone came over to have postkickball game drinks like the old tired man that he is. Otherwise that middle of the night phone call could have been kind of awkward for him.

Wishful Thinking

I would love to blog about my strange coworkers, but I can't for fear that I get fired like Dooce.